// what was changed is never the same //
_______________________________
You Don't Know What It's Like
You don't know what it's like to know better than this.
You don't know what it's like to have once lived where the sun never stopped shining.
You don't know what it's like to remember every detail of the ghost of the past.
You don't know what it's like to remember everything that happened long ago.
You don't know what it's like to be reminded of it by the littlest things.
You don't know what it's like to regret a gesture so small so desperately.
You don't know what it's like to want to warn the ghost of your past about now.
You don't know what it's like to cry on for so long and be the only one that cared, then have everyone tell you it's all your fault.
You don't know what it's like to want something before you realize it's too late.
You don't know what it's like to even have the shortest amount of time.
You don't know what it's like to have once lived the life you were supposed to live.
_______________________________
The truth is, I'm not sorry.
The truth is, I didn't do anything.
The truth is, I didn't ask for this.
The truth is, you started this.
The truth is, you finalized this.
The truth is, you broke me.
I never broke you.
So how's this my fault? I didn't hurt anyone.
Nobody cared who I ignored.
Nobody cared when I shut the door.
Nobody cared until today.
And somehow I'm all to blame.
---------------------------------------------
YOU SAY THAT I CAN JUST TAKE THE REIGNS, THROW IN THE TOWEL.
YOU THINK YOU CANNOT HURT ME WITH A SIMPLE SCOWL.
YOU THINK I CAN JUST SURRENDER.
THAT THIS IS JUST ANOTHER PRETENDER.
YOU THINK I CAN JUST TAKE CONTROL.
LIKE I DON'T NEED ANY PATROL.
I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE I CAN JUST FIX THIS MYSELF WITH NO REGET.
BUT I CAN PROMISE YOU I'M NOT READY YET.
THE MEMORIES WILL NOT LEAVE ME ALONE.
I AM JUST NOT READY TO HANG UP THE PHONE.
MY TEARS CREATED A FLOOD.
I'VE LOST A WHOLE LOT OF BLOOD.
AND SOMEHOW THIS IS MY FAULT.
_______________________________
You left me out in the dark
Blew out our every spark
We used to laugh and play all day
Before you carelessly pushed that away
I thought we'd maybe go this far
That one day I'd be your shining star
But I never wanted it to happen this way
I regret it almost everyday
________________________________
You have no idea what you've done. I don't know about you, well actually I do. And you didn't care, you don't remember anything. And that's fine. Those were my days. The ones I cherish the memories from.
I can't remember a time when everything was okay. I can't remember a time when I was happy. For real.
You don't know what I mean by real. You think you do but I promise you that is not what is true.
You held me tight just to stab me with a knife. That just ain't right.
You tell me to just get over the past because it's never coming back.
You tell me to just take control of this myself, like it's just that easy.
Well, it's not.
I can't do that, I'm not ready to do that.
I've spent the past two months thinking of nothing but April. Goddamn April.
I've obsessed over it, made myself a mess over it.
And a while back I thought that I wouldn't care if it was real, if there was something or someone else in it for you. But now I know I do.
Every moment nothing is happening I think it'd be better to have something fake than nothing at all.
Until it happens. Then it happens and we're together with a price tag stuck on it that costs more than I can afford.
But somehow I pull through and I pay the price with the money and energy I simply do not have.
I'm a weak ten-year-old girl who's spent the last while dreaming and weeping for something that is never coming back.
I have no strength left. I'm always upset and I'm always missing something, if not something else.
I don't have the strength in me to go so crazy and do things that are a little bit hazy. We're just kids, but not anymore.
I feel like I've already paid enough. I gave up my innocence, I gave up my family, my house and my entire lifestyle.
I gave up the days I would wake up in my little white and black house, get up and surround myself with the clicking and typing of my two favorite people.
I gave up the days I'd ride the bus to school, right next to you with your little sister rows ahead.
I gave up the races at school, the times I'd win but never make you a fool.
I gave up the bus rides home, making fun of the big kids and not being alone.
I gave up the friendship that we once shared, the only time you ever cared.
I gave up the days we'd spend time in our kingdom, the good old days we'd race down the road to the treehouse.
I gave up the magic that we created in the forest, to still be the richest but the emotional poorest.
I gave up me and you, like there was nothing else we could do.
I gave up my life, for the stabbing of a knife (literally).
And if you think I'm asking for all of that back, like I expect it to be like it was in the past...
I promise I'd never expect that again.
Cause between what I want and what I expect, there is a huge difference.
That's what I want but I'd never expect, I feel so stupid for even thinking about that.
Just let me tell you one more thing, maybe I would rather have none than fake bling.
All I'm really trying to say is that I know this is never going to go away.
I feel better when we're real enemies than fake friends, so I guess that this is probably the end.
What I want, I know we will never come near because now I know that there is no such thing as
M I R A C L ES
D O W N
H E R E