Her words prompted Jin Yun to shake his head slightly. Seemingly having thought of something. He let out a sigh and smiled bitterly.
âBecause I wasnât worthy of you back thenâ¦Thatâs why.â
Gong Yimo raised her brows high.
âWhy would you think that?â Then, as if feeling that her sentence wasnât quite right, she added, âWhat I mean is, why do you put yourself down like that? Is this how you are with everyone?â
Could this be the real reason why Jin Yun never married?
Jin Yun smiled faintly as he thought of the past.
âItâs not everyone, itâs just with youâ¦that I feel that way.â
Gong Yimo was dumbfounded. She couldnât understand why he thought that way.
Jin Yun looked at her deeply and said in a gentle voice, âYou know, since I was youngâ¦Iâve had a tough life, and it really weighed down on me. But I was also conceitedâ¦The texts that my brothers could not recite even after studying for many days, I could memorize in one. The imperial teacherâs lessons that they struggled with, I could easily learn by analogyâ¦â
When he spoke of these matters, he was smiling, yet it was out of bitterness.
â
âPerhaps I had not learned to restrain myself back then since I was young, they often complained about me to Father, and I was not allowed to study since I was young. Even though I was eager to learn, I couldnât go against Fatherâs orders. Now, reading is all I can do. Poetry and songsâ¦I really donât know much about them.â
Gong Yimo suddenly felt a little sad for him. Well, all beautiful jades have to go through the carving process, right?
He frowned. âI didnât understand back then. I was clearly so smart, so hardworking, always improving myself. Even in terms of looks and character, I was better than my brothers. Why is it that Father didnât trust me and even doubts my birth? Was Iâ¦really so undeserving of praise? Why canât they see the good that I can offer, why do they only criticize me and call me a bastard?
âSo, I gradually started to lose confidence in myself, and it may have taken root deep inside me. Even later, when Iâ¦dressed up as a woman to dance. I couldnât feel satisfied when I hear the cheers of those around me. I want the world to praise me, I want to gain their affirmation! Maybeâ¦thereâs no hope for me anymore.
âEven though Iâve clearly achieved so much in Yuheng, even my brothers canât hold me back anymore. Just, when Iâm in front of youâ¦I canât help but feel inferior. When it comes down to it, I still donât dare to take that step.
âBut after you left, I was easily able to gain power in Yuheng! Thatâs when I realize how close in my grasp these things were to me. Just like you were back thenâ¦â
He suddenly reached out, gently laying his hand over the back of Gong Yimoâs. Gong Yimo looked up to see his beautiful eyes that seemed to be glowing. Even the mole under his eye was so stunning.
âYou treat me so well, and youâre so beautiful, so talented! Just like the blazing sun, anyone staying by your side could gain unlimited power! While Iâ¦I was just like a blade of grass, a flower. You helped me grow, but I wanted to be able to obtain you. What a delusion!
âItâs such a ridiculous thought, but thatâs really how I thought. I knew you would leave one day, but I couldnât even say anything to make you stay, much less admit my feelings for you.
âSo, when you asked me, when my friends asked me, and even when Mother asked me, I would say that i didnât have feelings for you. But each time I was shouting madly in my heart. Lies! Those are all lies! I do like you! And Iâve liked you for a very, very long time!â
His words made Gong Yimo feel as if she had been burned and she quickly pulled her hand back.
âYou think too highly of me. Iâm not as noble as you think I am.â