parties ARE stupid

It feels wrong.

The hands in his hair feel wrong. The alcohol clouding his senses feels wrong, the taste of vodka on his tongue. The taste of another person on his tongue.

The distraction he thought would work. Desperately hoped.

He's propped against a wall, shoulder blades digging into the plaster, and there's another body close to his. Couldn't get any closer. Physically impossible.

His lips move on muscle memory, and the girl tastes like strawberries and alcohol, a hint of artificial lip gloss flavoring coating his tongue. Mina. He isn't sure when they ended up kissing, when he separated from his friends, when he got to where he is now. Isn't sure how either.

But he's really drunk.

The room above him spins, and each time he tries to open his eyes the room around him spins too, and he feels like he's on a rollercoaster that would be enjoyable if he didn't feel sick. Kissing Mina made him feel sick.

It wasn't supposed to make him feel this way. He liked Mina, liked her a lot, but the phrase being in past tense is impossible to avoid in his mind, because he knows, right now, even with alcohol clouding his mind, that he doesn't currently like Mina.

Her lip gloss is sticky, her breath is warm, her hands roam his body in places they shouldn't, and the whole time he just feels irked, like he only wants a specific pair of hands there.

He knows which hands his brain automatically jumps to think of, and feels himself tense up as chemistry beakers and snaking veins pop up in his mind, thighs and couches, metaphors and children's shows, the image too crystal clear while his lips are lazily attached to another person.

He pulls back, and mumbles a "hey," he wants the hands off him, the mouth far away from his own, but instead, it just pulls back a bit, attaches to a spot at the base of his neck. Arousal pools in his gut, and it would usually feel good, but it doesn't right now, it just feels wrong.

Because it's not Taehyung.

Fuck, he doesn't know where that thought came from, but once it pops into his head, it's impossible to shake. He can't think of anything else, but how it would feel if the lips attached to his neck belonged to Taehyung, if the hands around his neck were instead gripping his waist, pulling him closer, wanting more.

But they're not.

"Hey," he murmurs again, one of Mina's hands creeping lower, and he feels bile rising up in his chest slowly but surely, bubbling over and reaching a boiling point while her hands roam his body and his mind thinks of his best friend. His best friend. That's fucked up.

What's even more fucked up is he promised him he wouldn't ditch him, but Kim Taehyung is nowhere in sight, and here Jeongguk is, making out with the very girl he ditched Kim Taehyung for.

"Hey," he tries again, and this time Mina hums into his neck, the sound sending vibrations straight to his throat, and the bile rises further, this time getting more aggressive in the form of alcohol beginning to burn his esophagus as it rises up steadily.

His knees weaken, and he's hardly holding himself up anymore, but every kiss on his neck feels vomit inducing, every time hands trace his abs downwards he feels like the acid is gonna singe a hole in his throat, like he needs more vodka but also needs his stomach pumped simultaneously.

"Mina, I'm," he tries to say, but he feels like he's going to faint, or vomit, or both, and he opens his eyes and looks around, sweaty bodies everywhere, liquor placed haphazardly on tables, and it's the epitome of a trashy high school party, and Jeongguk feels like the epitome of a stupid drunk teen, "Mina I'm gonna-"

She just keeps kissing down his neck, dipping below the collar of his shirt, and now it feels more wrong than ever before. Not just then position he's in physically, but the one mentally, Mina herself feels wrong, and Jeongguk has no idea what he was thinking.

When she starts to suck a hickey the size of a coin in one spot, Jeongguk can't take it anymore, can't take the wrongness, can't withhold the vomit rising up his throat, so in one swift motion he pushes Mina away, and bolts.

He can see her stunned expression as he pushes her back, and his subconscious hopes he didn't push her too hard, but his hand is over his mouth while he searches for a bathroom.

He stumbles into a dark room, and immediately, he dives over to the toilet, arms propped on it's sides while his face opens up and he vomits, and his eyes tear up from how disgusting it feels, and his throat burns and every single one of his senses is overloaded by the horrible sensation.

He's sure some gets on his shirt, but he doesn't care in the moment, just violently unloads the contents of his stomach, feeling horrid, awful, and in his head he thinks he'll never drink again but he knows thats not true, despite that he's still drunk right now and that's just making this process eight times worse.

He finishes and wipes his mouth on the back of his hand, flushing the toilet and wanting nothing more than to rid himself of this disgusting taste that lingers, coats the roof of his mouth and the saliva around his tongue.

Jeongguk gets up after a minute of just panting and staring at the ceiling, thoughts incoherent while he tries to catch his breath, and he hunches over the sink. Slowly washing his hands off, leaning down to wash his mouth out in suit, he reaches over to flick the light on.

He catches sight of himself in the mirror.

God. He looks rough.

His eyes are bloodshot, lips swollen and mouth covered in water smeared down the side of his face. Tears make the eyeliner resting on his lower lashes run ever so slightly, and there's a small hickey on his neck, the sight of him almost making him retreat back to the toilet and gag until something more comes up.

Sure enough, a small amount of vomit stains his white shirt, and his eyes trace down to where it's been untucked from his black jeans, skin tight, accentuating his ass like he intended for them to. Seeing the clothing now just feels wrong.

He quickly tucks the shirt back in, erasing any signs of Mina, and then he's about to reach over and attempt to clean off his shirt with some toilet paper, when there's a knock on the door.

He freezes. "It's occupied," he just snaps, waiting for a second for whoever's on the other side to get the message and leave, leave Jeongguk alone while he wallows in how tonight went wrong and thinks about how it may be possible to fix it-

"Jeongguk."

He opens the door as quickly as physically possible, because he knows that voice, and it's Taehyung, and he feels like crying so bad he's gonna burst, melt into a puddle of tears and fade away from existence while Taehyung's last memory of him is being ditched at a party.

Taehyung enters quickly, black hair slightly sweaty, looking incredible as ever in a slick button down tucked into - not important. How good he looks isn't important, because he just walks in and closes the door behind him, and then once it's locked he's looking at Jeongguk, and there's this mixture of concern and confusion in his eyes, and, oh god.

They make eye contact for a moment, the music muffled in the background as the party is still going on, and Jeongguk is still just so drunk, and before he can even stop himself his shoulders are trembling and so is his bottom lip.

Taehyung's expression morphs into one of hurt, because Jeongguk's hurting, and he always says he can feel it whenever Jeongguk's in pain, but the younger has tagged that for bullshit up until now.

Now it feels like the furthest thing from bullshit, as Taehyung mumbles a, "hey," and the hey sounds so worried it just breaks Jeongguk, and before he knows it he's crumpling up and sinking into Taehyung's arms, entire body melting as he goes boneless.

Water leaves his eyes in waves, and he's not sure why he's crying but he can't even control it, body trembling as Taehyung leans back against the door to hold him up.

His arms wrap around Jeongguk's rib cage and pull him so his face is flush against Taehyung's chest, because Jeongguk's fall is more of a lazy slump forward, and his legs feel like jelly along with the rest of his body as Taehyung supports his entire weight like it's nothing.

His tears wet the front of Taehyung's shirt, and Jeongguk finally knows why he's crying, he's known for days now, ever since that stupid day in his dorm, because he's stupid enough to have feelings for his best friend, the one whose been with him since first grade, by his side through all the bullshit and all the good shit.

He's crying because he's stupid enough to not have noticed before, the flutter in his chest when Taehyung says certain words to him, how enticing the pink of his lips look to Jeongguk, the way he smells like vodka and burning wood and sea salt and home, and Jeongguk's just stupid.

He can't believe what made him notice was an overturned chemistry beaker, big hands, a conversation about a TV show, a kiss with someone that felt so wrong he threw up, some alcohol, a shitty party, and more, more things that have built up slowly over the years, because if he really thinks about it?

Jeon Jeongguk has had a crush on Kim Taehyung from the beginning.

God, Jeongguk was so blind. He recognizes the state of blissful ignorance he allowed himself to fall into over the years, he recognizes it now, as a hand rubs up and down his back, soothing, and the touch leaves this fuzzy warmth behind it that shouldn't feel right right now, especially when Jeongguk feels so wrong.

"Gguk," Taehyung starts, lifting a hand up to curl around the back of Jeongguk's head, his hair tickling his palm while he holds him close, "talk to me."

Jeongguk doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what would happen if he were to say it.

"I-I just," Jeongguk manages to get out between cries, breathing sharp, filling up the room, and his mouth kind of tastes like vomit still, "I feel like shit Tae."

He feels like that's substantial enough a reason, that's valid, because he is drunk of his ass and he did just throw up the entire contents of his stomach in a probably STD ridden bathroom. Yeah, totally makes sense.

"Any specific reason?" Jeongguk's shoulders still shake under Taehyung's hold, his lip bitten to try and calm himself down and speak, come up with an excuse, and it's like Taehyung can sense his restraint because he just holds him even tighter and whispers, "It's okay, you can cry. You don't have to talk. I'm here."

Jeongguk's breathing stops in his chest, and he tries to exhale, but those words knocked the wind out of him. He can't even cry, can't think, just pulls back a bit from Taehyung's chest, and looks up at him, blinking, eyes watering, mouth agape.

Their faces are so close, Jeongguk feels his breath tickling his chin, the ghost of vodka on his upper lip, and it should make him queasy, but it just makes Jeongguk impossibly more breathless, staring, looking into Taehyung's eyes.

They're the same deep brown as always, concern swimming in them as they dart up and down the expanse of Jeongguk's face, and Jeongguk wonders what it would be like to go swimming in Kim Taehyung's eyes. If the water would be warm or cold, if it would leave him feeling empty and exposed, or protected and embraced.

Taehyung scrunches his eyebrows, and his voice is soft when he says, "What?", barely audible over the sound of music making the walls shake.

It's like time stops for a moment, and Jeongguk is still just gaping at him, looking at his lips, back to his eyes, the moles, even down to those goddamn hands that circle his waist now, and shit, how did those get there?

He feels them grip a bit tighter, pull him a bit closer, and Taehyung is practically breathing into his mouth right now, which should be a good thing, because Jeongguk isn't, breathing, the big hands he can't stop thinking about finally touching the places he wanted them to, just not quite in the way he wanted them to.

The tension is thick, and Jeongguk can't tell if he's just imagining it, but what he wouldn't give to just fall, lean forward four more inches and capture Taehyung's lips with his own, maybe not swim in his eyes specifically but in Taehyung as a whole, dive in headfirst.

But, Jeongguk is drunk, and Jeongguk is scared, and Taehyung just looks confused and concerned, and he's being a supportive best friend as always, which only makes Jeongguk want to kiss him more-

Just when he thinks he's about to do it, take the leap, metaphorically and physically bridge the gap, his breathing comes back to him, and he remembers why he's crying in the first place.

Right.

Taehyung opens his mouth as if to say something again, and he looks kind of dazed too, but Jeongguk's eyes just water up and he just exhales raggedly and lets out a choked sob, and then Taehyung's pulling him back in for another hug, holding him close.

"Shhhh," Taehyung's voice is still so soft, and he's speaking right next to Jeongguk's ear, "It's okay."

No it's not. Jeongguk thinks, but he doesn't say anything. Instead he just lets himself be held, lets Taehyung whisper sweet nothings into his ear while he cries and cries, until his tear ducts dry out and all that's left is heavy breathing and a shitty feeling stuck in his stomach and lungs.

And his mind. His mind feels so shitty, shittier than the vomit or the crying ever could make him feel, because he doesn't even know what he's thinking, just that it's horrible and all kinds of self deprecating. Taehyung wouldn't want him to think like that.

But he can't help it. Especially when the hands holding him make everything a bit clearer, but yet that much more confusing at the same time, because what the fuck is he supposed to do? How do you be this close with someone you feel this way for?

He didn't even realize he stopped crying, and he hasn't, really, because his brain is still crying, his heart, he just doesn't have any more physical tears left. Unfortunately, the tears in his mind are infinite, pooling in his stomach and maybe he'll throw up again. Maybe not. Preferably not on Taehyung.

When Taehyung senses that he's calmed down he loosens his grip a bit, and Jeongguk takes this as an opportunity to step back, their close proximity broken. His mind goes clear for a moment, and then murky again, and then clear, endlessly cycling, until Jeongguk decides to ignore his mind. Think with his heart.

There's a small silence but it's not awkward, just Taehyung and Jeongguk both thinking of what to say, of what should be said. Taehyung opens his mouth first, but, because Jeongguk's stupid, he cuts him off, beats him to the punch.

"I'm sorry," is all he says wiping the remnants of tears off his eyes slowly, and he realizes there's still throw up on the front of his shirt and he probably, definitely, reeks of it, but Taehyung hugged him anyways.

Taehyung's expression falls, and he looks devastated to have heard those words, hands slowly falling to his sides and finding solace in his pockets. "Jeongguk, you don't need to apologize for crying, you know I-"

"No," Jeongguk stops him sharply, voice a weakened croak, "No. It's not that."

Taehyung's eyebrows unfurrow, quirking one, and his shoulders fall slightly. "What is it then?"

Jeongguk sighs loudly, almost exasperated that Taehyung is so nice, because if it were him, Jeongguk would never let him hear the end of it, "I promised not to ditch you, but here I am, throwing up in a bathroom because I can't make proper decisions when I'm fucked up and," he pauses.

Taehyung's looking at him with that look in his eye, the concerned one, the one that makes Jeongguk feel like everyone in the world could hate him but as long as Kim Taehyung cares, Jeongguk couldn't give a rats ass about everyone in the world.

"What?" He asks when Taehyungs still just staring, breathing unevenly.

"You threw up?"

Oh god, he's such a good person it's painful.

"Yeah, but Tae, that's not the point, I-"

"Are you okay?" The same look.

"Taehyung, I'm fine, but I still-"

"Did you get some water?"

"Taehyung!"

He isn't sure why it comes out as a yell, but he needed Taehyung to stop talking, he needed to apologize. Taehyung's too nice, too lenient, and Jeongguk wants to be held accountable, wants Taehyung to know how sorry he is.

Taehyung stops, fish mouthing, and then he ultimately just decides to listen.

"I'm fine," he inhales deeply, and is he fine? maybe, "I'm just sorry. I promised."

Taehyung looks at him, expression blank, and he just nods. Jeongguk realizes that Taehyung's probably drunk too, probably had nothing better to do while Jeongguk spiraled into self destruction.

"I know you did." His voice is still soft, gaze softer, and Jeongguk feels his own soften. There's no need for him to feel worked up, because this is Taehyung, and everything comes naturally when he's with Taehyung, except apparently the ability to not think of Taehyung in a unfriendly way-

"And you aren't mad?"

Taehyung's lips quirk up ever so slightly, giving this kind of half smile, but not quite there because there's still this weird air between them, "Who said I wasn't mad?"

Jeongguk almost smiles back, but he still feels weak from throwing up and he's still a tad bit drunk, his eyes heavy from crying. Too many external factors to smile. Feels the side of his mouth crawling upwards anyways. "A-are you?"

It's meant to be lighthearted, but his voice breaks, and there's that concern again. This time though, he welcomes it, doesn't feel exasperated, because he feels fragile. Feels like the porcelain doll he specifically asked Taehyung to avoid treating him like.

Taehyung walks forward with an exhale, and suddenly his hands are cupping Jeongguk's face, forcing their eyes to lock, and this is what it feels like. To go swimming in Kim Taehyung's eyes. They're both warm and cold, scary and comforting, and his hands are cold but all Jeongguk's body can feel is warmth.

Everywhere, he's warm. His fingertips, the back of his neck, all the way down to the backs of his thighs. It's all tingling with warmth, spreading outwards, slow, but his face is the warmest, because Taehyung's touch is burning. His skin is fire underneath his palms, and the apples of his cheeks are a bright red, he's sure, but that's easy to blame on the alcohol, easy to pretend.

And he's thinking with his heart right now. His heart that wants Taehyung to be even closer, to be everywhere, and why is it that Taehyung's looking at him like that? Why is he looking at Jeongguk like he wants Jeongguk everywhere too, like it's reciprocated, and he's also thinking with his heart?

"Look," Taehyung starts, voice soft again, and Jeongguk wonders why he's doing this. Being touchy, being close, being everything good Jeongguk can possibly fathom, "I was mad at first okay? I mean we were only here for an hour before you were off doing god knows what."

"I-I, I was-" Jeongguk begins to stutter out, internally cursing when his vocal chords collapse in on themselves, but Taehyung stops him before he can get very far.

"Shhh." It's so soft it has Jeongguk reeling, Taehyung's voice hardly even a sound, hardly there, and Taehyung's never held his face like this before, never been this close, so what's compelling him to do it now?

"Let me continue, alright?" Taehyung brushes a thumb over the side of his cheek, and it's not warm, it's burning hot, but it's good.

Jeongguk, dumbfounded, nods, urging him to keep going, to finish.

"I was gonna say, Jeongguk, I'm not mad at you."

Jeongguk's heart sinks. "No, because I specifically told you I wouldn't, and then-"

"Jeongguk."

His voice is almost desperate, and his face is flat but there's a sparkle in his eyes as he stares into Jeongguk's own, faces way too close to be normal. This isn't normal. Best friend's don't do this.

"You've had a bad night," Taehyung whispers, still cradling his face in his hands, those big hands, "And I think if anything, that's plenty of retribution. You puked your guts out, and you're visibly upset." Taehyung's thumb still smooths over his cheekbone, "So how could I be mad at you?"

Jeongguk's breathless again. Recovers faster this time. But his head doesn't. His chest doesn't.

Because this whole time, he automatically assumed that he was stupid for feeling this way. Dumb, Idiotic. But maybe it's okay. Because feeling this way about Taehyung feels so natural, and Taehyung's palms on his face feel so natural.

And maybe, just maybe. Taehyung feels the same way.

"But, Taehyung,"

"No."

Jeongguk's caught off guard by the insistence in his voice, and silences.

"No buts." Taehyung just says, softer. He brushes his thumb over Jeongguk's cheek one more time and then backs up, and starts unbuttoning his shirt, revealing a plain white one underneath.

Just like that. Moment over, and now Jeongguk's just confused.

"What are you-"

"I have a proposition for you Ggukkie."

He loves it when Taehyung calls him that. He's still sort of dazed, and he feels sober, but still drunk all the same, because Taehyung's touch still lingers on his face and he almost wants it to linger forever.

Deciding to fake it, he pretends he still has his composure, bites back a stutter so the words are firm when they come out, "And what may that be?"

Taehyung finishes, sliding the button up off and throwing it towards Jeongguk. Sea salt and wood. Taehyung.

"You," he runs a hand through his damp locks and points the other at the button down, now sitting crumpled in Jeongguk's arms, "Put that on, and we," his hand curls around the doorknob, giving Jeongguk a blinding smile, "get the fuck out of here."

Jeongguk thinks for a second, looks at the button down, looks back at Taehyung.

Thinks of the remnants of vodka in his stomach, thinks of how it's still only 1:00am, thinks of Taehyung's hands on his face, thinks of the same hands around his waist while he cried for hardly any reason at all, thinks of Mina, and how wrong it felt, how right Taehyung does.

Because its okay.

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but it's not as stupid as Jeongguk thinks to fall for your bestfriend. Because Taehyung touched him like Jeongguk isn't crazy, like Jeongguk matters, like Jeongguk could press a big red button that ends the word and Taehyung would still stick by his side.

Maybe it's the smartest thing he's ever done.

"Yeah," and there's a big smile adorning his face as he looks at Taehyung's own, and he doesn't try to hide the fact that he's staring at his best friend's teeth this time. There's no teacher to distract him, no Mina to tear him away. There's just Taehyung.

"Yeah, I can get behind that."

-