Chapter 43: Smart Girls Brains Don't Work

Marley

The brain is an amazing vigorous, adaptive, and redundant system.

It's also quite vulnerable to fear.

Because I'm generally pretty sharp, but right now I can't comprehend the simplest of things. I couldn't explain to the driver which route to take to Vanderbuilt Medical Canter. I also wasn't able to find the surgeon's multi-use consult office in the hospital, even though I've been here on more than one occasion. Right now, I can't absorb the directions that Kade is giving to us in that office, explaining how to self-sample the cheek swabs. My heart is pounding in my own ears, making his voice sound like nothing but distorted noise.

He's holding the packaged swab out to me. It's not a big deal and I know having my sample just makes Darius' genetic profile easier to interpret, but as I reach for the swab, my hand starts to shake.

I take the swab, put it in my mouth, gag, and bolt from the consult room like a maniac. I'm into the stairwell when Bodie catches up. Before I can decide to go up or down, he's caught me with both hands.

"Whoa, whoa...what's the matter?"

"I...can't..." I shake my head, my mess of curls flopping all around. I put my face in my hands, unable to explain.

Fortunately I don't have to. Bodie understands. "You're scared. That the first test was right. That I'm not Darius' father."

I nod into my hands as Bodie's arms go around me. He's shaking and he feels damp, but his lack of composure is physical, not emotional. It takes a few days for methadone to leave the body, and Bodie's missed doses are finally catching up to him.

It couldn't come a worse time. We are both coming apart, and we just ran out on Darius, who needs us to keep it together.

He pries my hands away. "Listen to me. I know he's mine. I know it, Marley."

"You can't know...the other test could be right...I can't do this, Bodie..."

"You can. We can. We have to, Baby. Darius needs this."

I start to cry.

I used to sleep beside a killer. A few weeks ago he tried to have me killed, too. I've been hurt, hit and intimidated by him.

I have never been more terrified of anything than this.

I'm so afraid that this bond Bodie and I believe we have is just...a insubstantial wishing. A dream that will evaporate when we get these results back.

Bodie is pressing a kiss backed by ragged breath into my forehead. He pulls away so I'm forced to meet his eyes.

"If you need to hear the words...I don't care if he is or if he isn't my biological son. I'm in love with him just like I'm in love with you. It's your DNA in him that I love, not mine."

He sounds as sincere as when he told me he loved me a couple of hours ago. God, that seems like a lifetime ago. It feels like we have been loving each other forever.

I guess we have. Darius feels like the living proof of our love.

But what if I'm wrong? One DNA test has already proven me wrong.

I wrap my arms around Bodie's shaking frame because he's too good and I'm almost afraid he's not real, either.

"I know you mean that. But I...I need him to be yours. I feel like if he's not...I'll be taking something from you..."

He shakes his head. "You could never take the way I feel about Darius from me. He's mine now, because you're mine. But I swear to you, your fear is unfounded. My mama took one look at him and knew her flesh and blood. Saw it plain as day. He's a Jamison. I just need you to trust me and do this test so Darius knows it, too. Do you trust me, Jaz?"

My answer is a kiss. Because I need his love and his strength to do this. We kiss and I cry and we kiss some more until he burns away my fear with courage.

He feels it, the moment I tip. When my fragile fierceness blossoms like jasmine for him.

"That's right, Jaz. You got this," he murmurs breaking the kiss, tugging me down the hall before my courage can fail.

Back in the office, Kade is sitting on the corner of the desk, keeping up a constant calm doctor speech while he shows Darius a raw test result...a long spreadsheet of data while explaining exactly how the test is performed. How the DNA is extracted and amplified and processed to determine the genetic markers, and how Darius' genetic markers will be compared to mine and Bodie's.

"So you will have half the genetic markers identified from your mother. Sometimes, it won't be perfectly 50%, because you might have a random mutation. But it will be very close to 50%. Your father provides the other 50% of the markers detected on the test, of course. If Bodie is your father, nearly 50% of your markers will pair up to markers identified in profile. If he's not, his markers will not match up to yours. Nowhere near that 50% mark.

"Now, here's another thing: because your mom feels like the last test might be in error, we are going to take three sets of samples, and perform the test three times. That's what you do in a lab when an original test result is in question. You triple check the original result. This time, there is only one candidate for paternity being tested, so in the morning, if all three test results come back the same, we will know the tests were performed correctly, and you will know for sure if Bodie is your father, or isn't your father. That I can promise you, okay?"

"Makes sense," Darius says. He looks automatically up at Bodie. "Right?"

"Sounds like, but your mom's the one with a phD, Darius. She's the better one to ask," Bodie says lightly.

Darius gives a shrug. "No. I mean, Dr. Kade explained it well. I got it."

Bodie and I exchange a glance. He reaches from my hand and gives it a squeeze.

Darius has hardly acknowledged me at all since he returned from his run-away stunt, but I don't blame him. He's angry. Not just because I kept this from him.

I think he's angry that there is a possibility he has two fathers.

He's not a child. He knows how babies are made. He also knows, from seeing me with Marc, and more from seeing TJ with Shay, that good relationships between men and women are straight up loyal. And monogamous.

He must have questions about what the sketch behavior on my part.

Bodie is still squeezing my hand. Almost unconsciously, he pulls it to his mouth and gives me a quick kiss. Like he's done it a million times. It does give me a final quick boost of courage, however.

Strong enough that Darius' eye roll doesn't even diminish it.

"Okay, let's do this. The sooner we get it done, the sooner we get back the result," Bodie says, squeezing Darius' shoulder again, depositing me in the chair, and passing Darius his swabs before reaching for his own set of samples.

I scoot up to the table, looking at my tray. I'm trying to remember what Kade said...how many times to scrape the swab.

"Here, let me," Kade says kindly, snapping open my first swab. He smiles at me with sad eyes and reaches out.

His knowledgeable fingers probe my jaw in just the right spot to encourage me to open up. His touch is innocent, but it's like the way he used to reach for my face in passionate moments, and I can't abide it. I quickly pull away.

That's crazy. When did my flesh and bone decide it belongs to Bodie?

He drops his hand and his gaze.

"I've got it, thanks," taking the swab to scrape my cheek, following it methodically with the other two.

Kade carefully puts the labeled samples in three separate bags, then in a larger bag. "Okay, I'll walk it down there right now, and I'll let you know as soon as the lab texts me.

"One more thing man," Bodie says. "Is there any way you could get me some methadone? I'm out, for about three days."

"You let him run out?" Kade's gaze turns to me for explanation.

"He was out of the country. You know they won't give a refill without him testing. It's not like I could go pick it up in preparation for his return."

Kade looks regretfully at Darius, bites his lips, crosses his arms. "I'm sorry. I can't."

"Come on, man. Please."

"I can't, Bodie," Kade's voice is surprisingly firm. "I can't simply write a script for methadone. It's more tightly controlled than a narcotic. The methadone clinic affiliated with the hospital is just like all methadone clinics. You have to be enrolled in the program. You have to be counseled. You have to be tested first. I can't do it. Above board. Or below. I'm on tight oversight in the hospital pharmacy since I had a oxytocin count in my trauma kit come up short."

There's a bitterness in Kade's voice I don't understand until I see Bodie's head duck slightly in shame.

Oh, baby. You were so desperate you stole pills from Kade?

Kade's intolerant attitude towards Bodie's addiction makes a little more sense to me now.

I wrap my arm around Bodie's bicep, squeezing. "It's okay. I already called the methadone clinic supervisor to see if I can get you an emergency supply here in Nashville somehow. I'm working on it. You're doing great. We'll get you back on program soon. Tomorrow I hope."

Darius is examining Bodie. "If you don't get your medicine, is it going to be like that time the ambulance came next door?"

"No. I'm okay, Darius. It will be fine. But let's go, okay? Because I think we will all feel better waiting this out at home. Madam's home, I mean."

We rise. Bodie holds out his hand to Kade. "Thank you. Sincerely. Thank you."

He sighs and shakes Bodie's hand. "You're welcome. I hope it rolls your way. For their sake."

Bodie sighs. "I know you don't like me much right now, but I'm gonna make it right with you, Kade. Somehow."

Kade gives me one long look, so charged I have to look away. "No, I really don't think you will, Bodie," he says stiffly.

As we walk down the hall, Darius resentfully striding ahead, Bodie comments. "You really are a heart-breaker, aren't you? First me. Then TJ. Then Kade."

"That's not funny," I mumble.

"Not to Kade. Or TJ." Bodie says, hooking an arm around my shoulder and kissing my temple. His grin spreads cool against my hot skin. "But I'm smilin', Jasmine."

It shouldn't thrill me—all these new small intimacies. Not in the middle of this mess we are in. But it does. Every time Bodie makes me his with a gesture, time drops away. I'm just a little closer to the girl I want to be.

Darius is quiet on the way back to the farm, and despite the vigil of Adam and his dad waiting up for us, he insists he just wants to go to bed.

I'm torn between wanting to follow him up and staying with Bodie, who is sweating through his shirt now, but who is stoically tolerating his discomfort. I want to wrap my arms around him, but I know that withdrawals can make a person easily irritated, so instead I respect his personal space. I stick close, but several feet away.

His eyes follow Darius up the stairs.

"You should go to him," Bodie says quietly. "He'll be wanting you."

"I don't think so," I whisper.

"Why don't you take these up to him?" The Reverend says as he strolls from the kitchen with a plate of gorgeous looking homemade brownies chunked full of peanut butter cups.

Adam reminds me of Trace as he tucks his hands in his armpits and gives a minuscule shake of his head. "Gwen made those. For Darius. This is getting way too serious for me. Bodes, man...we've got to sit Darius down and give it to him straight. From personal experience."

I snort. Adam means...how both he and Bodie ended up getting girls pregnant on accident. Adam acts like just because I'm a woman, I don't know how to talk to Darius about his sexuality. I'm a freakin' psychologist, for goodness sakes.

"Calm down, Adam. Something tells me Dr Watkins has capably handled the sex talk. And Darius seems to have more sense than you two rock star knuckleheads who procreated a bit prematurely. And certainly Alex is doing a wonderful job building an open relationship with Gwen. Puppy love is something to be celebrated, not feared," the Reverend purses his lips, and takes a brownie. "Mmmm. Gwen seems to have her grandmother's talent for baking away her worries."

"Fine," Adam pouts. "But I want to know what's in the note she wrote. What if they are planning to sneak out? Or run away together?"

"What note?" Bodie asks.

Adam points to a half folded piece of cardstock tucked beneath the lacy paper doily and the plate.

"She wrote him a note? Like an actual note? That's crazy, for kids. They always use their phones." Adam and I exchange a long glance.

"Yeah, I wanna know too," I say and snatch the note.

Bodie says "Whoa there, Mama Bear," at the same time Peter chuckles and says, "That's an MJ move if I ever saw one."

It reads:

Hey D,

I'm so sorry that your whole world sucks right now.

But have you ever thought...

If the whole world didn't suck, we'd fall off?

Since we are both sort of stuck to the planet, it would be nice if we could stick together because friends make stuff suck less.

Brownies too. If you don't feel like answering my texts...I made these for you.

XOXOXO

G

I'm already in my feels, so it doesn't take much to turn the faucet on again. Tears trickle over Gwennie's kindness and how much she cares for Darius. How old-fashioned and innocent the whole thing is.

I hand it to Bodie who chuckles after a moment. "Wow, your granddaughter is a keeper, Rev."

"Damn straight," the Reverend Peter deadpans, and Bodie, despite his nausea and slight shaking, manages a belly laugh.

Adam snatches the note. His face relaxes as he reads. "Gwen's such a good girl. Real sweet. Always has been, since she was a little thing..." he looks a little confused. I think it's hard for him to see his nieces and nephews growing up so fast while he's out on the road.

"See, it's like this, Adam...you have to trust in your children. And your children's children. You live by the best example you can make and that's genuince. Your children's instincts for good will grow from that Their confidence to make good decision will grow from your trust. Lecture over, Mini-me," The Reverend winks at Adam and looks at Bodie over his glasses. "Now. Bodie. You don't look so good, son."

"Truthfully? I don't feel so good, Rev. I'm in withdrawals," Bodie says bluntly. "From methadone, I mean. I've stopped abusing drugs a while ago. Methadone keeps me straight but is just as addictive as the old pills I used to take, it seems. I was kind of worried about that, and I was right to be." He gives me a wry smile, like an affectionate I-told-you-so-Dr.Watkins.

I bite my lip. "Yes, but it restored your health." I gesture to his new physique. "It prevents relapse. That's proven by numerous studies."

"Kade couldn't get you a few day's worth to tied you over?" Adam asks in surprise.

"Sure he could have. It's more like...he wouldn't," Bodie shrugs.

"That's not true..." I object.

Bodie laughs. "It is so true, Sweetheart. The dude is fucking pissed—excuse my French, Reverend—he's pretty angry at being dumped by this lovely lady." He rubs my back.

"Anybody would be," Adam grins at me, "But a guy like that? Probably never happened to him before."

The Reverend is still munching the brownie, completely comfortable in the discussion of my love life and Bodie's addiction. "Methadone can be a lifechanger, of course. But I can understand why it feels like another albatross around your neck. I counsel a lot of people that have been able to transition off it successfully without returning to street drugs. Especially if they've stepped away from the drug lifestyle. If they lean on their faith and their families for the habits and support they need, instead of methadone."

"I would like to get off methadone, Reverend. Very much," Bodie says quietly.

"Now is not the time to stop your treatment program," I object. "I'm hoping to have your prescription refilled in 48 hours at the latest. You just need to hang on until then."

"I definitely don't want to stop addiction treatment, but there is a lot more to treating my addiction than the pharmaceutical part of it. I'm just saying...today showed me that I want to own my sobriety, you know? On methadone, I feel like it's...not mine. Like it's artificial. If I'm already in withdrawals, maybe I should just...get it out of my system for good."

The Reverend squeezes Bodie's shoulder. "Well, Marley is right about one thing. Now is not the time to make a decision like that. You're having a very tumultuous day. Why don't you come with me, over to Brett's place? She's big into homeopathic remedies, and she might be able to help relieve some of your withdrawal symptoms."

"Sure, I need all the help I can get, Rev," Bodie says diplomatically. "I'll try some herbs if it will help the shakes."

"Bodie, maybe you should wait..."

He smiles at me sweetly. "Baby, I'm not going to be able to sleep at all like this. I'll be on the bathroom floor by morning. Not really the way I want to start my first day as Darius' Dad. I'll ask questions about what's in the remedies. No opiates. No THC. I swear."

I search his face. I don't want to run his sober life anymore. I don't want to bully him into my choices, holding the idea of our son over his head. I just want to be there for him.

"Okay," I say simply. And I mean it.

He gives me a nod. "Go on now. Darius needs you. I'll be fine."

Reluctantly, I take the brownies and the note and I slowly climb the stairs. Not for the first time in his young life, I have no idea what Darius needs from me right now.

So I decide to give him the truth. The whole truth.

Guess what? Double Update! And Marley finds out the who her baby-daddy is for sure! Finally!