Chapter 44: Smart Girls Give TMI

Marley

When I knock on Darius' door, a grumbly "what?" greets me.

I poke my head and the plate of brownies in. "Gwen made these for you."

He's lying with one hand behind his head, his other holding his phone in front of his face, but at that, he tosses the phone down.

"She did?"

"Yep. She sent you a note, too. It's nice."

Now he sits up and gives me the full glare. "You read it?"

"Yes. Because you know, world's worst mom," I tap my chest and enter.

He huffs. "Ya think?"

"Darius, how could I not be? I wasn't there for you the first whole year of your life. That was not my choice, but it was still a consequence of my choices. After that I kept making choices that let the distance remain between us. I know I haven't been a great mother to you. Not when I was younger. I couldn't put you first. I didn't know how. And I'm sorry.

"In hindsight, if I had to do over again, I would never have gone to UGA. I would have gone to school in Atlanta, done some different kind of program. Maybe nursing, like Shay. Something that would have given me more time with you. I would have never left you with Pat and TJ and moved in with Marc. But I can't go back. All I can do is to try to be a better mother now."

I stand there, with the plate of brownies in my hands and my heart on my sleeve.

Darius stares at me. He rolls his eyes. He beckons me forward. We eat brownies. He reads Gwen's note and, after a long moment of what looks like indecision, he tucks it under his pillow without any comment.

Eating my brownie is hard to do when my lips are wanting to curl upward in a smile at that.

"What?" he challenges.

"Nothing," I say, taking another large bite to prevent my smile.

We totally kill the brownies. Like a thousand calories each of wordless chocolate wonder.

When they are gone, Darius lays back down on the bed.I fight the urge to run a hand over his shorn hair, that looks so much like Bodie's new do. I don't pet Darius, though. Darius finds the babying gestures irritating now.

"You're not a bad mom. All that stuff...it's not your fault. You did the best you could."

"I shouldn't have moved in with Marc. I think I really messed us up there. Especially because—"

"Because you didn't even love him." Darius says quickly. "Because you were escaping the whole TJ-Shay thing. Yeah, that did kind of make me mad. Would been different if—"

He stops abruptly.

After a long moment, I probe. "If what, Darius?"

"If you and me and Marc were ever going to be a family," he says. "We weren't and it's weird how I kind of knew it. Even at ten  years old, I knew it. You two were weird. Not...easy together. Not like TJ and Shay."

"That's why you like living with TJ and Shay. Because they feel like a real family."

He shrugs. "Shoulda been you and TJ. Not her."

"That was never going to happen, Darius."

"Because of Daemon."

"Because of Bodie," I say quickly, surprised at my own truth. "TJ and Bodie were best friends. They were always together. Maybe that's why I never got over Bodie. Every day, he was always surrounding me in that house. I saw him in memories, because of TJ. I...I saw him in you, but I thought I was imagining it. Seeing what I want to see."

"And now?" he sits up again, putting his face close to mine. "You really see him in me? You really think he's my father?"

I do touch his face now, feathering my fingers over his brows. "Oh, yeah. So much. The way your eyes look when you are thinking hard...it's exactly like him. And earlier today, when I found him at the honkey tonk...he wasn't drinking. He was singing. Like a frontman. Like you. So much like you."

His mouth twitches. But then he pulls away.

"You were with Daemon. But you think Bodie is my father. How did that happen?"

I sigh. "Darius—"

"Don't!" he says sharply. "Don't tell me I'm a kid and you are parent. Don't hide behind all that parental boundaries BS. This is important. Daemon doesn't know, does he? He was trying to be my dad all this time. Just because he wants be to be the Prince of Sixmob or whatever, but he really did want to be a father to me. Because he really thinks he is my father. He has no idea you were with Bodie, does he?"

Slowly, I shake my head.

"So you were cheating on a gangleader with one of his baby bangers? That's not very smart, Dr. Watkins."

"It was not smart, no," I say hoarsely. "But it wasn't exactly like that. I've never told you how it was, not because I think you are too young to understand, but because I thought Daemon was your father. I didn't want to speak badly of him to you. But I see now, Daemon is not your father. It doesn't matter what that blood test says tomorrow. He has never been your father. So I guess it's time you understand what Daemon really is.

"He's a man with a personality disorder. He's a narcissist that doesn't care about me or you or TJ or Mama Pat, or the girl that he's with now, or the baby that he made with her. He can't care about any of us because he cares more about feeding his ego. His narcissism is a vicious circle. He loves himself more and more all the time.

"I didn't see that when I was a sixteen year old runaway. He saved me from the streets, and I thought he loved me. He didn't. The truth was...our relationship bordered on perversion. He was almost thirty years old and I barely more than a child. He loved my body and the way I did everything he told me to. He loved the power he had over me in every way. He basically had me brain-washed into believing that being a trap queen was the highest calling."

"Until I met Bodie. At first, Bodie and I were friends. Only friends. He's a couple of years younger than me, you know."

"I know. Google."

"Right. Well, there's a big difference in a seventeen year old girl that's been living with a thirty year old man and a fifteen year old guy. I...I didn't see Bodie like that, at first. Despite being with Daemon, I was pretty confused and lonely and I didn't fit in the neighborhood. Bodie was the only person that didn't treat me like an outsider. We both liked books. We went to the library. We went to the coffeeshop. We laughed. We joked around. There was nothing romantic about us. We truly were friends for months and months.

"I knew he had a crush on me, but I didn't think much of it, because I thought I was a grown woman. He was just a kid. I was with a man. An aggressive, strong man in his twenties, who took care of me.

"Then that man grew suddenly even more aggressive, and more controlling and more manipulative. Violent even. He started asking me to do things I didn't want to do. Started hitting me if I didn't. I didn't even think about leaving, though. Because I didn't have anywhere to go."

"When Daemon became abusive, I started to see Bodie in a whole different light. He didn't seem like a kid to me anymore. He seemed...stronger than Daemon in ways I hadn't seen before. He seemed...good and kind and dependable. He seemed like a person who knew who he was. Not a person that was swayed by a bad day or a bad mood. He was a person that stood up for people he cared about. His concern and affection felt...safe and warm. Being with him made me happy."

"The...romantic part...it was complicated. It wasn't something I planned. It came at a time when Bodie was being initiated into the gang. Daemon wanted me to be a part of that initiation. He wanted me to pretend to seduce Bodie to then reject him, so that he could accuse Bodie of trying to mess with me. He wanted to bully and threaten Bodie as part of his initiation. He wanted to make Bodie think he was going to kill him over me. He wanted to see how brave Bodie was."

Darius is staring at me with glittering eyes. "That's really messed up."

"Yes. It was. I thought so too, even then. When I refused, he beat me up. I maybe shouldn't have turned to Bodie for help, but I didn't have anywhere else to go. I didn't really mean to go along with Daemon's initiation plan, but Bodie was so sweet and so worried about me." I gesture at my face. "Daemon had hit me pretty good."

"So...I was upset and Bodie was concerned about me and one thing led to another. We didn't plan it, it just happened—which is how you end up with an unplanned pregnancy, by the way..."

He rolled his eyes. "Jeez, I know that."

"Right. I know you know. So...I know this is all TMI, but the thing I'm trying to explain...it was just one time with your dad...with Bodie, I mean.

"The one time only happened because I was very vulnerable and he was worried about me. The whole experience was...safe and loving and good. And you came from that safe and loving and good thing. So don't ever think it was some...shady or random situation. I've made a lot of mistakes, but being with Bodie? In my heart, I can't feel like that was one of them. That time with Bodie got me through a lot of hard things. It got me through prison and loneliness and doubt. Because that time with him? I felt free and connected and sure. And I hang on to that. I always have. And so did he. That's how he and I found each other again."

"You love him?" Darius mumbles.

"So much, Darius."

To my surprise, Darius frowns at that and picks restlessly at the quilt on the bed. "So you guys are gonna get married or something?"

"I don't know about that, Darius. There's a lot going on now, I don't think we need to add that wrinkle. But I know that Bodie told you what he told me—that he loves you. That he wants to be there for you."

"Ok, so what if the test comes back that he is my father? Now we are just supposed to a perfect family with Bodie like my life ever happened? Like TJ isn't—" he cuts off with a growl.

I look at the ceiling. I should have seen. Why Darius is so angry. He thinks we are trying to push TJ out. He loves TJ. And he should. TJ has been more of a father to him that Daemon ever could have been. And no amount of Bodie's love can replace the hands-on parenting that TJ gave to Darius for his first thirteen years.

"TJ is what he's always been. He always will be. Nothing's going to change that."

"You don't know that. What if that test comes back tomorrow and Bodie is my dad, and it makes TJ feel...differently?"

"Not going to happen, I can promise you that."

I can say that with conviction. I know that for sure, even more than I know that Bodie is Darius' dad. TJ has never lied to me. Never betrayed me in any way. Never done anything to make me doubt him.

"You think?"

"I know. I know TJ. He's my person. He's Bodie's oldest friend. He's...he's your bonus dad, ok? He will always want to be that for you."

"Even if I..." Darius chews on the inside of his mouth.

"If you what?"

"If I wanted Bodie to be my dad?"

I lunge at Darius and no amount of teenage need for boundaries can make me stop from hugging him hard. "You do not have to feel guilty if Bodie is your father. You do not have to feel guilty for wanting him to be—for wanting to have a relationship with him. TJ will understand that."

"Ok, ok, ok, jeez..." he says patting me and trying to let go at the same time.

I let go, even though I don't want to. One day I'm going to hug him and he will be a man and it won't be the same as hugging my baby. It's not that time yet, but every time I hug him now, I think about that.

We sit in awkward silence for a while. Eventually Darius says. "So what happened?"

"What?"

"With the initiation? Did Daemon go through with it?"

I put my hands over my eyes. "Uhhhm. Yeah."

"What happened?" he presses.

"Daemon initiated Bodie that same night...the night I was with Bodie. Daemon had his lieutenants spying on me, so they knew that I went to Bodie's. Daemon...sort of...caught us...after we had been together. But he's so egotistical that he couldn't see the truth that I was with Bodie because I was falling in love with him. He thought the beating had worked—that I had just gone to Bodie's to follow his orders.

"I was scared he would kill Bodie, so I lied to Daemon. I told him I had done what he asked—led Bodie on and rejected him. Daemon did exactly what he planned. He threatened Bodie, accused him of messing around with me. Bodie was very brave, because Daemon was very...violent. He backed up my story. He said nothing happened. After a lot of...stupid gang stuff...Bodie was initiated, and as far as Daemon was concerned, it was all just...fun."

"It wasn't fun for me or for Bodie. It was heartbreaking. I guess my performance for Daemon very convincing, because even Bodie believed I had set him up. He thought what happened between him and I wasn't real. He was incredibly angry with me. We didn't talk any more. Then, months later, when I found out I was pregnant, Daemon had forgotten all about the timing of Bodie's initiation. He never questioned that you were his child. He's just too egotistical to see anything but what he wants to see."

"But if he did...know the truth..."

I stare at Darius. I shouldn't put this on him. But it's maybe more dangerous not to give him the full disclosure now that he had a glimpse of the truth.

"Daemon is a killer, Darius. He might try to hurt any one of us. Right now, Bodie bought Daemon off for three million dollars to leave us all alone. So we can't let him know anything about this paternity test. He can't know the truth."

"So if Bodie is my father, I'm just supposed to pretend for the rest of my life that it's not true? I'm supposed to own a drug-dealing killer for my father?"

"No, I'm not saying that. We will figure something out."

"What?"

"I don't know." I can't tell him about Bodie's drug sting plan. That's the one thing I can't do.

Darius rolls off the bed, grabbing the empty plate. He throws it against the wall. It shatters.

"This is so fucked up!" he yells at me.

"I know, Darius." I start to cry. I can't help it. I have never broken down in front of him before. Not once. But my soul is layed open and all of my strength is gone. "I know. I'm so sorry, Darius. I'm so sorry, baby."

He stands over me, watching uncomfortably as my shoulders shake. Eventually I lay down on the bed, because I'm totally gone. I can't stop.

I cry for my child who never got the childhood he deserved. Now I'm stealing more from him. I cry for his innocence. I cry for what I am denying him—his right to live free and without worry.

I'm not even sure if Darius is still there, until he sits down on the bed beside me and says gruffly, "Here." He's thrusting a wet washcloth in my face. "Can you stop, please? You're freaking me out."

I hold my breath, trying to stop. Another large sob escapes me. I hold my breath again, to no avail.

Shit, get it together. Where the hell is Dr. Watkins when I need her?

"I'm gonna go get Bodie," Darius says.

That stops me. The thought of Bodie and Darius both worried about me? No. It's my job to take care of them both.

I grab Darius' arm. "No. I'm fine. He's getting some tea and some rest, for his withdrawals."

Slowly I climb to my feet and go to the en suite bathroom to splash water on my face. When I come back Darius is picking up the pieces of the shattered plate.

He puts them in a wastebasket and sits back down on the bed. I'm afraid to start crying again, so I walk toward the door without saying goodnight.

"Where are you going?" he says, with sudden urgency.

I turn around. "I guess...uhhhm..." I honestly don't know where I am going. To my room? To Bodie's?

"Can you just..." he looks at me and the wall and then he shakes his head. "Nevermind. Just go."

I look at him, bewildered. Does he want me to stay? He hasn't crawled into my bed since he was five years old.

"Darius...actually...would you mind if we doubled up tonight?"

"Yeah that's fine," he says.

But when we are lying in the california king with miles of space between us in every way, Darius says very softly. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I'm sorry I threw the plate. I just want you to be happy."

"It's okay, Darius. I want you to be happy, too."

After a long silence, Darius says. "I love you, Mom."

When I start to cry again, he groans. "Jeez-louise, that's exactly why I never say that...it never makes you happy."

I reach out for his hand. "It makes me happy. You just don't understand girls."

"You're right about that. I sent Gwen a really mean text telling her I didn't want to talk to her right now and I thought she would unfollow me, but she sent me brownies and a note instead. What's that about?"

"She knows you were only mean because you are upset. The brownies were telling you she forgives you and still likes you."

"Oh. That's good."

"You should still apologize for being mean though."

"Yeah, I get that."

We lie in silence. I don't think I will be able to sleep, but eventually it overtakes me.

The next thing I know, some subtle shift in the room is waking me. I can tell it's morning, even with the heavy blackout shades in the room. I roll over. Bodie is standing at the bottom of the bed.

His eyes scare me. Full of devastation, spilling tears.

He's looking from me to Darius. His eyes lock to mine and his gaze claims me, sharpens me like a spit.

He shakes his head, looking at his feet, and my heart plummets.

I crawl to the end of the bed, afraid to touch him.

I sit on my knees in front of him, not knowing what to say. Were we wrong? Can we not make something from this, without Darius between us?

One single sound—between a swear and sob—escapes him and he grabs my face in both hands.

His kiss feels like his eyes look—pure devastation. But not the tragic kind.

This is the good kind of ruin. Pure joy. Overwhelm.

I crawl up him, giving him back all the emotion he's giving me.

Finally he breaks the kiss. "Morning, Mama," he says quietly.

"Morning...Daddy?" Desperate hope in my whisper.

"Of course. All three tests were a perfect match," he grins, pressing his phone into my hand. "How could you ever doubt my rock star swimmers against that fucker's evil little polluters?"

I don't even bother to look at the results Kade sent. I let out a shriek of happiness and hilarity as I leap into Bodie's arms, wrapping around him. He laughs and twirls me, but he stumbles a little and I quickly release. We fall over each other, trying to find our balance and kiss at the same time.

"Oh my god, it this what it's going to be like from now on?" Darius groans as he sits up and regards us critically. He makes a show of grabbing my pillow and falling back, putting it over his face. I think to hide his smile, because there's only one way to interpret the happy scene.

"You wanna see the result for yourself?" Bodie asks him, picking up his phone.

Darius reaches an imperious hand for the phone without removing the pillow. He pulls Bodie's phone beneath the covers with him, mumbles "Cool," and thrusts the phone back at Bodie while remaining undercover.

Bodie snorts, reaches under the covers, tussles for a teenage foot and drags Darius from the bed.

"Hey!" Darius yells from the floor, but he's grinning.

"Get your ass up here and give your old man a hug!" Bodie grins at him.

Darius climbs to his feet as slowly as possible, puts hands on hips and stares at Bodie like he's a zombie, or perhaps a circus freak. Bodie is grinning like a loon, his arms thrown open wide.

"Real men hug, son."

Darius goes in for a tentative embrace. Bodie grips him hard and pulls him off his feet.

"You are already like the world's most obnoxious dad, you know that right?" Darius gasps.

"I'm absolutely not. I know the world's most obnoxious dad personally. His name is Matt del Marco. I've got nothing on that guy."

Bodie releases him and squints, then he pulls me to his side and grabs Darius again. "Nope. Not enough. I think we need a family hug."

Bodie manipulates us all so that I'm squished between them.

I laugh, overwhelmed and overstimulated, but I think perhaps Bodie is going to give Matt a run for his money in the larger-than-life dad department.

Awwww, Bodes. He was so overwhelmed for a minute there...watching Marley and Darius sleeping. But he bounced back with his cheerful dad person, didn't he? I love him.