42 | 𝐶𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑓𝑒𝑖𝑡 𝐿𝑜𝑣𝑒

Nothing could explain the feeling of loathing I felt towards myself.

I was putrid, disgusting, horrible, and yet; I liked every bit of guilt it gave me. Tears were in my eyes at the faint thought of wrongdoing, but each pleasuring moan that came from my mouth made each spurt of regret vanish. I wanted to say "stop" and in fact, it was on the tip of my tongue, but I didn't desire to let it go. I didn't want to, because if I told him to stop, I'd be lying to myself thinking I could live another second without having this feeling.

The benumbing air slid over the curvature of my face as he murmured into me, "look down," he said, not talking about himself, but the obvious. As I tilted my head so I was peering over the edge of bricks, my back was against the cold stone and my eyes caught the sight of people walking the sidewalks this late at night, though lesser cars were on the road and the street lamps were the only bit of light aside from two stores. Just as I was getting comfortable overlooking the property, his velvet tongue brought me back to reality as he entered me, his hands clawing and massaging at my thighs.

Another flurry of heat decorated my cheeks as his tongue circled a wave of nerves inside of me. I thrusted my hips ever-so-slightly towards his explorative mouth and threw my head back up against the brick when my vision turned white and spotty. I curled my toes as he dug deeper and reached impossibly further until my moans grew louder and breathier. I couldn't bear the waves of continuous warmth, my skin was reddened and feverish with heat, but finalizing the tentative movements, he finished with a delicate flick of his tongue, sending me mentally over the edge of the rooftop, going tumbling to the ground as my arm clasped over my mouth. My limbs went into overdrive, trembling in shock at something incredibly exhilarating came over me.

I couldn't tell if I was on the verge of death, ready to run a marathon, take a nap for ages, or simply faint. When my vision somewhat returned, and my breath was better than what it used to be, I started to see him approach and plant himself right next to me on that rooftop, his back pressed to the wall of the ledge. The air seemed to roll over my body, cooling me off from the excitement as I squirmed and pulled up my jeans.

I swallowed, turning to him. "I never felt that before. Any of it."

"Mad that Corbett couldn't do it first?" Victor questioned me, but he wore a smug smile atop the dried blood on his lip that made me know he knew the answer.

"Let's just say, you made me feel things I didn't exactly want to feel at three fifty-eight in the morning," I jested after checking my phone, nudging into his side as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, tugging me into his body. I melted into the cubby of warmth as I met his eyes. "Say it for me--"

"Practice purposes," he concluded gravelly. "When do you want me to take you home?" His fingertips drifted over my shoulder.

"Never."

"You have to go home eventually, but believe me, I want to procrastinate that inevitability. We should go on a vacation together..." His tone trailed as the realization dawned on him. "With Corbett, of course," he finished sarcastically.

"Well, actually." I sat upright and smiled cutely. "We have a Vulpine Union field trip." I got happy and started to feel like myself after feeling like the only girl Victor has ever wanted to please. Of course I knew he made other girls feel the exact same things that he allowed me to explore, but my heart felt swollen with a rock-hard adjustment to this whole practice purpose thing. As disgusting as it made me feel knowing that I was hurting Sullivan, I felt... in better words, at home, selfishly

"Guess where it is?" I amped up. After seeing his shrug and grin, I released, "Canada! British Columbia to be exact," I elaborated. "Isn't that exciting?!" I threw my hands up and leapt from the seat, twirling in front of him. "Just imagine the possibilities! We get to go to a farm stand, festivals, bake sales, and I just--" My breath slipped from my containability. "Aren't you just as happy?"

"I just can't get over the fact that you feel so energized after I ate you out," he remarked with a quiet chuckle. I rolled my eyes and shook my head as if I wanted to dismiss it entirely. I couldn't find it in me to address the amount my heart yearned for his touch and for his eyes to lustfully gaze over me as again. I needed to push that thought aside, for Sullivan, it was the least I could do.

"But doesn't that sound fun?" My voice was lower than I intended to be.

"Yes." He nodded. "But, Rhy, off-topic, maybe the day isn't over yet?" His voice sounded hopeful as if he intended my mind to fill in the empty spaces for him. I leaned closer, now sitting on the ground opposite of him with my hands neatly on my lap.

"What are you implying?" My voice, equally just as hopeful, wasn't ready for this day to end either. I was only beginning to wake up after what felt like centuries of sleep.

"Come on, limited nighttime, People," Victor chided, jumping up from his situation on the ground and helping me rise. "You ready to go make some memories?"

And fatefully, I responded with, "of course."

♡♡♡

"And it was perfect?" she urged.

"And it was perfect!" My exaggeration on the letters made her squeal. I jumped for joy and suddenly felt the spawn of a seed that I remembered having a long time ago, this emotion wasn't just born, but it had transpired into something bigger. No matter what, my heart was for Sullivan's possession, but maybe Victor had more than what I took granted for.

"What happened?" Keiona waved her hand, begging for me to go on and I couldn't hold back the words anymore.

"We went to this nature reserve that opens at like five, it was a bit of a walk and then we watched the sunrise from the highest point of the hike--"

"God!" she groaned out frustratingly, making me halt. "What kind of romance novel are you in?"

"Please," I scoffed. "I am in no romance novel. If I was, don't you think that--oh, I don't know, I'd be in love with Sullivan by now?" I questioned mockingly, rolling my eyes and settling back onto the comfort of my bed. "Damn, if I was a romance novel, I don't think people would like me all that much--"

"Oh, get over yourself," Keiona swore, smiling gracefully as she seated herself on the bed. "The readers of your life would absolutely adore you! You guys are too cute for words, and yet you still are with Sullivan--"

"Because," I stiffly intercepted. "I know I love him."

"Love?" she retorted with a squint. "Define it."

I fixed my posture and declared, "love is supposed to feel like oxygen, like you can't be without it. It's a loud emotion that feels like the walls are enclosing you and it's supposed to be like a spacious island resort all in one."

"English?" Keiona wondered.

I glared at her. "It's everything a person could dream of, the sweetest candies, the most obnoxious laughters, the biggest smiles, and the whirlwind of storms; and then the fear of it all vanishing. As if love is one big lucid dream and we're all afraid to wake up from it," I expressed cooly. "Am I right?"

"You've thought about this before, haven't you?" Her voice was meek and I didn't like it. Keiona was usually very empowering and her voice was demanding and understandable, she was clear and straight to the point, but now it was more of an inquiry and ridden with uncertainty.

"Well--" My voice cracked. "I have." Then paused. "But I've experienced it. With Sullivan." After seeing her look of discernment, I defended, "I'm not trying to convince myself or force this indication--"

"Hey!" She threw her hands up. "Your words."

"Whatever." I ran my hands through my hair and sat upright. "We're going to Canada for a school field trip--"

"Roe was telling me!" she exclaimed, happy to be in-the-know of something happening in Fox Point High. It was unfortunate she went to the school over, because it would be nice having one of my closest friends be there.

"Roe?" I repeated, feeling the name. "Rowan? Since when did you and him talk?" I asked, genuinely curious.

She toyed with her fingers. "Well, needless to say, we started talking after we exchanged numbers at Sullivan's party and he asked me on a date, and he was so cute and nervous." She blushed, her face slightly bowed. "He's adorable, and such a dork when you get to know him."

I smiled instinctually. "Keiona, to hear that makes me so happy."

"Yeah," she hummed, twiddling with her fingers and the fabric of her bralette. She finally met my eyes and admitted, "you know you haven't been yourself lately, right? Like, I love you, don't get me wrong, but you just don't seem as lively as you did."

"Aw," I murmured, "I love you too, but ouch."

"No." She chuckled to reassure me, bobbing her body further and closer to me till the laughter ceased into a quiet hum. "I just think you used to be so excited before, y'know?"

"Well, you're not wrong." I threw my back up against the bed, creating a starfish as I said, "between school and my relationship, it's been hard. But yesterday, I feel like I had something..."

"Like?" she urged, creeping closer and launching her back to the spot next to me, creating an equally sized starfish, our limbs grazing the other.

"I feel like last night I had something that couldn't be ruined. I was alive without living life," I summarized calmly. "Does that make sense?"

"Lil' bit." She smiled as she spoke, though we looked up at the ceiling, I could just tell. I sighed into the comforters and she announced, "I dated this awful guy last year, but I thought it was love so I stayed for as long as I did. He'd text me within four hours of me texting him, and I thought that was improvement from the day late responses. He made me feel special by giving me the bare minimum."

"Why are you telling me this?" I lifted myself off the bed to look down at her with a soft look in my eyes.

"Because," she began, leaning against her elbows. "There is not one person who doesn't experience counterfeit love at least once in their lives and it's pathetic, and horrible, and makes us feel less than we actually are worth." She paused to add, "I gave my everything to that guy and he would ignore me, silence me, and our relationship was determined by his terms and I'm starting to think," Keiona continued, "that we're a lot more in common than I thought."

I changed the subject to food after that conversation.

♡♡♡

I kicked my legs out and folded them back, manipulating the wind as I started flying forward, then hurling back. My hands gripped the chain links of metal as Jay's laughter fell over the prolonged squeals of metal crying under my weight.

He implored, "isn't this fun?"

"Just because Keiona called to tell you I need babysitting so she could go on a date with Rowan doesn't mean you actually need to do it," I rebuked with a faint smile.

"You know that's not it," Jay argued, swinging on the playground swing more forcefully than prior. He was much higher than myself, but with each push, I felt that I got closer to an airy lift in my chest, that same feeling I craved. "Are you really starting to have second thoughts?"

"I never said such a thing."

"But Keiona did, in fact, she had a lot to say about it," Jay argued, the wails of the swing getting in the way of his words, making him talk louder than intended. "I heard you worked on your project with Kayla recently at the cafe?"

"I did do that," I mumbled, "but besides just working independently together, we didn't talk much. This project is so stupid anyway and I swear that the teacher assigned these partners and envelopes ahead of time. Some of these quotes that we have to decipher are too... personal," I emphasized, tilting my head in adjustment.

"Are you almost done yet?" A kid asked from the barricade of the sandbox where the swings were.

"No," I snapped. "Five more minutes!"

"You said that last time," he declaimed, jogging back to the slide. I rolled my head back to Jay as he gave me a worrisome and questioning glance. "We were here first," I fought under my breath.

"So, what happens if Sullivan falls out of love with you?" Jay inquired, briefly displaying how intrigued he was, but I shot him a shudder and glare.

"Never in a million years, Victor is teaching me how to be better and how to keep him. Besides, I'm going to go to prom with him and that day he's going to tell me he loves me," I confirmed.

"How long would you two have been dating by then?" he pondered with the thought as I calculated in my head.

"Three months." I pursed my lips. "That's a long enough time, right? We've been friends for longer," I argued further, but then closed my eyes and let the wind carry me up and down and up and down again. The warm sun rays fell over my exposed arms and I felt somewhat comforted.

"I'm planning on asking Penelope to be my girlfriend."

"Damn, between yours and Keiona's love lives taking off with mine, we're all so on top of this," I jested, only joking, but Jay's face was serious. "She's going to say yes, you know that," I told him.

"Yeah, I mean, she's told me herself she was picturing our friendship more... you know, not a friendship, but I'm just afraid of ruining what we have. It's nothing--" he brushed off, and I decided not to push it. Jay was known for talking about everything and if there was something he didn't want to express, then I would never force him to.

I sung more powerfully, kicking my legs up then wrapping them back just as the blond haired six year old boy came jogging over. "Are you done with the swings, now?" he drawled out exhaustingly.

Jay nodded, but I was going to persist. "Yep, you can have them now."

The boy got all excited as we slowed our swings and we watched the boy run quickly back to the playground, ducking under the slides before crawling out with a girl with black hair in hand. He started running to the swings saying 'they're done now.'

I threw myself off the swing, leaving it to rock behind me as I landed on my feet and watched as the two children darted to the swings. The boy took my swing, slowing it down and steadying it for the girl to go on.

Jay was smiling but I scoffed. "Even the children have better love lives than us! Can you believe this?" I deadpanned, starting to walk out of the sandbox. "This is absurd."

"Are you done bashing on elementary school kids' love lives?" he asked me with a few short laughs, nudging my side as we exited the playground. "How about this, I found this really fun place to go to while on the Vulpine Union field trip, it's near where we're staying and Clem said we could go."

"What is it?" I slowed my pace, scuffing my shoes against the sidewalk opposing the fence that surrounded the playground.

"I'll keep that to Penn and me, since it was both of our ideas." He deviously smiled. "Let's just say it involves... heat."

"Oh, Jesus," I groaned, then another thought popped in my head. "Oh my God," I started off topic, getting as excited as he had. "I didn't tell you. Victor ate me--"

He slammed a hand to my mouth before I could finish. "Keiona told me over the phone and I think you're forgetting we're standing outside of a playground." He raised a brow in the direction of the very close playground only a chain link fence away.

"Good point," I mused. "I am slowly devirginizing... slowly, but with the wrong guy." I rolled my eyes as we began to resume our walk to God knows where. "Would you believe this? Half my sexual activity," I was lowering my voice. "Is from a guy who I don't even like."

"Yeah, you should just cut him outta your life. I never cared for blondes anyway," Jay added making me scowl again.

"Are you kidding? I am talking about Victor and no matter how ridiculously wrong it is, I am not cutting him out of my life. For the first time, in a long time, Jay, I felt something exhilarating." I leaned forward. "I hadn't felt like that since traveling with him to San Francisco, and when we went kayaking in Montana--" My voice hiccuped, I stopped walking as Jay swept around.

He swallowed, a look of confusion and preparation on his face. He folded his lips inwards as if he was repressing his words. "You um.... Sorry? What? Did you just say you went out of the state with him twice? As in not just once?"

"Well, I did it because he needed me there--"

He stifled a laugh, easily silencing my attempts at speaking. "Damn, in Keiona's words, I shall speak for the rest of us, 'Girl, you got it bad.'"

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