48 | 𝐴 𝑉𝑒𝑟𝑦 𝐴𝑤𝑎𝑘𝑒 𝐷𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑚

It was too early to be riding horses, but here we were at nine in the morning.

My horse was black with beige spots and named Mildred and I was in the middle of our line. In front of me was Victor and behind me was Kayla. My eyes were blinded by the hot sun rays grazing the path. On either side of us was an aqua tainted lake below these valley of mountains. Our reflections pleasantly displayed across the waters.

"--and in conclusion, forty-three percent of marine animals have been impacted by the plastic debris," she described in front of the line, wearing a microphone that allowed the people in the back to listen through a speaker. Her voice was pronounced and I could hear it from both ends. "Us humans have degraded and ruined these ecosystems by facilitating fishing, no strict regulation and guidelines, and minimum awareness, leading to permanently damaging our health and safety as well as the animals. Plus, we are ruining these beautiful landscapes."

Georgia shone a hand out to the gorgeous lake and smiled brightly. When Mildred, the horse beneath me, paused, she bent her head and started gnawing and shredding the grass, making me roll my eyes and enjoy the view for just a little longer. I tugged softly on the reins, getting her to start walking again.

We arrived at this field as more conversations about the Earth were made. She provided facts, details, and an exhibitions of the forest, lakes, and mountains that she proved to be perfectly outside of the direct harm of human carelessness.

We parked our horses against a singular fence while Clem was teaching us how to tie the leads to the poles. We got it, or in better words, once Penelope and Sullivan got it, they went around helping. Sullivan smiled at me, but when I kissed him, he just pulled back and kept walking. I ignored it.

We hiked a distance away from the horses as Georgia gestured to several people who wore sun visors. While we were walking up to them, Clem and Georgia made adult conversation about how the workload was working and how they wanted to handle the help, Kayla joined a cluster involving Jay, Rowan, Victor, and me.

"Firework show in downtown Banff!" Kayla mentioned. "Keiona thought we should all go--"

The thought of enjoying the cute shops in town as well as seeing beautifully done fireworks made my body go light and my brain focus on only that. I yearned to go and nodded with a beaming smile.

"Sounds awesome," Jay exaggerated, nodding his head before leaping back into Rowan and apologizing under his breath, shaking off the feeling that was on him. He must've heard something we didn't...

"Yeah, I'm pumped," Victor added.

I looked up at him, scolding under my breath, "no one says 'pumped.'" My voice was low, knowing that if Sullivan saw Victor and I getting along as much as we did, he'd get mad at me. Not to mention, we had to act as casual as possible.

Victor laughed at me though, his fingers twisting onto my jean belt loop without no one knowing as he casually yanked me, making me stumble before he let go and started walking after Jay, Rowan, and Kayla who were already getting handed big nets.

"This river leads down to a place where many people throw trash. We are going to walk the edges and get as much as we can!" Georgia instructed, shouting over the volume of the river beside us. The water splashed up onto the smooth rocks lining the grass. "I'm glad you all changed your shoes before this."

We were asked to wear big rubber boots and it somehow made sense now that I was clad in them, covering my light wash jeans and nearly in contact with my big, loose pink crocheted sweater.

"Be conscientious of your time," Georgia called as we all began to diverge. "Meet back here at eleven thirty, that gives you more than an hour and a half. Grab your trash bags!" she told everyone. "These trash bags are eco-friendly, meaning they were recycled from plastics that would've burned fossil fuels, they are created to prevent the extremity of greenhouse gases." Lastly she declared, "and do not swim, you will get all sorts of diseases, that's trash for you!"

"In other words," Keiona said to me while passing, "we'll get chlamydia."

"And die," Olivia finished, following right behind her as they walked to the opposite side of the property. I chuckled and somehow, not even realizing what was happening. I strolled along the edge of the calm river with Victor and I side by side, our knuckles nearly grazing.

How did that happen?

When I craned my neck to make sure Sullivan wasn't looking, I was mistaken, and he was jogging up to me, stepping in between Victor and I. "So, are you guys ready?"

"Well, make sure you stay outta the river," Victor began, "you heard what the woman said, no trash in the water."

Sullivan threw up his middle finger, shaking his head and leaning over the rocks to grab at a milk carton he saw. "These are weird."

"Look at that," I called, pointing. "That looks like a crocodile."

"You have a wild imagination," Victor murmured, smiling at me. "I missed you, y'know that?" His voice was hopeful as Sullivan grunted behind us, trying to outstretch his pole and net even further to reach the milk carton.

I rolled my shoulders, fiddling with the red ribbon of the garbage bag and my crocheted sweater. "I missed you too. Do you think I can see--" I was interjected by Sullivan's loud exclamatory response to finally collecting the milk carton as he dipped his transparent glove into the black netted encasing. The gloves were also eco-friendly, being that it was plant based.

"Got it," he uttered proudly under his breath, tossing it.

Victor had a trash picker as he casually grabbed the garbage that washed up. He would toss it into his bag while I reached for the small items that would float past us. The rest of the group went onto the opposing side and their distant laughter could be heard.

Sullivan jogged to my side, intervening and making Victor walk a bit ahead. "How are you doing?"

"Good--"

"Wanna have sex later tonight? You can sneak into my room, I'm pretty sure Jay is going to that stupid little firework show in town anyway." He whispered into my ear breathily, but loud enough for Victor to shoot a quick glance at me. I avoided his eyes at all costs, training on my big rubber clown boots as I stomped along the wet soil.

"I'll have to see, but I was kind of hoping we could go to the firework show tonight?" My brown eyes went up to him with a kind smile. I was hoping I could persuade him. "Please?" The blinding sun cascaded down my arms nicely, but made it hard to see his expression, especially as he shielded his eyes from the sun with a pair of sunglasses.

"Come on, we always do what you want to do," he snapped.

"You're right," I mumbled under my breath quickly. "I'm sorry. I was just hoping--"

"I know what you were hoping, but I don't see the point. You see fireworks once and you get the jist of it. There isn't anything new about them, but this on the other hand--" He pointed his index finger from him to me numerous times with a smirk. "There's a new thing every minute."

I nodded in comprehension, my frown still visible. "I guess."

"Come on, stop whining," he deadpanned and I instantly raised my head high. I habitually looked to the weighty glare from Victor, but when I turned, he was hardly glaring at all. His eyes were perfectly sad. They resembled what I'd look like while watching The Notebook, or The Titanic, or Forrest Gump, and my lips fell apart. Just as they did, Sullivan nudged me, and said, "Quick, get that piece of trash--"

I turned swiftly, not even knowing what was happening when I tripped on a rock and flapped my arms wickedly in the air to gain balance, but sure enough, the water opened up around my back. I was easily swallowed whole by the river as my head bobbed beneath it.

I resurfaced from the frigid, benumbing water, gasping with my eyes squeezed closed and burning, abruptly getting drawn out by a strong grip. He made me tumble into his chest, holding me close and trying to lift my crocheted sweater, but it was so heavy and practically disintegrating in his hands. The strings were undoing itself and my freezing cold skin was like stone, shivering in the stirring winds as our friends came running over.

Their series of questions bathed me, but Victor threw off his gray hoodie, stuffing it over my head and covering me the second that the article of clothing plopped to the ground and I was standing in my--fuck, white bra.

I shivered as he wrapped his warm arms around me again and I squeezed his long sleeve clad torso. He was smoothing down my hair as I trembled, my lips turning blue and my teeth creating a detectable chattering noise as I couldn't feel anything of myself.

My attention diverted from Victor to Sullivan who waved the net above his head with the headless barbie doll. "I got it! No need to worry!"

♡♡♡

My head ducked under the water, the lukewarm liquid filling my ears and making the distant conversation between Keiona and Penelope become muffled. I swore I heard the vibrations of the door close, but I wasn't too sure.

I popped my head up, inhaling sharply and smiling down at the pink bath bomb transfusing the bathtub. I lifted my toes above the water, seeing the blue chipping paint as I wiggled my feet and smiled. I spun around, and moved in all sorts of strange and goofy positions, the only light allowing me to see the tub was the candle on the ledge. It was cream colored and smelt like coconut shavings. The flickering orange flame emitted a glowing radiant light to enclose me.

I pressed my head back against the fiberglass tub and thought of earlier that day. It was adventurous, having to explain that I didn't go in for a swim and that I might have chlamydia from being in it, however, Georgia said I might be okay from my quick exposure. After getting a quick checkup to wash my eyes out, they said that if I experienced any rashes or noticed strange observations to immediately notify someone.

But at that moment, I was far from okay. My mind was off wandering, remembering the rough feeling of Victor throwing me into his chest like a rag doll. I felt like one.

My hand crept around my lower region awkwardly, my manicured fingers circling along my lower abdomen.

I was staring at the flickering flame, remembering how he looked when he was hunched over perfectly in front of the fire pit. Nothing but the pitch black night zipping the cabana in our own habitat. His face was lit by the fire's fluorescence and his muscles were driving down, revealed through the fitted shirts he'd been wearing. His hair always hung over his forehead perfectly and I had the instinct to brush it out of his eyes.

My heart was steadying and I felt too relaxed in the tub as it centered my body perfectly in line with my wandering hand. When my finger ran over a center, I arched my hips, wanting to feel the exact same thing that Victor did. I needed to feel each perfected swirl his tongue made, each prolonged showcasing of his affection, introducing a flurry of heat to ride up my stomach.

I fluttered my eyes closed, slipping a finger inside of me, but settled my hips down into the fiberglass tub when none of my movement made any such pleasure. I bit my lip, searching for the exact place that Victor touched, not even Sullivan had known where to go, and I was blindly trying to replicate Victor's mouth with my index finger, but it was no comparison to his explorative velvet tongue.

The tip of my fingers grazed over a part of me that sent a spark of electricity like a wire, forging up to my mind and making me go hazy. My toes curled and my knees jabbed to the ceiling. A noise I didn't know I could possess on my own, slipped loudly and resounded through the bathroom. I clamped my opposing hand to my mouth in fear that Keiona or Penelope would hear me.

Again, I repeated the action, the candle making spots appear in my vision as I unhurriedly thrusted my hips to meet my hand each time, or to align with this imaginary lover. And every mind-blurring pulse of warmth and energy came with a soft spurring whimper, or in other words, "Vicky."

Tidal waves of shivers coursed through my body as I squeezed my eyes tight, imagining his hands climbing up the sides of my body, his mouth decorating my body in his marks, sucking preciously on my feverish, wet skin as if he was in the tub on top of me, and I could only imagine what he would feel like. Though the thought of him actually going inside of me made my mind think of how it hurt, and more importantly, my boyfriend, Sullivan, and I become suddenly disturbed, as if I couldn't keep doing this, especially thinking of someone who wasn't him, but I was so close.

With one slow, agonizingly perfect circular motion, I arched my body and scraped my forehead against the fiberglass, riding through the shudders and hand-silenced moans as I whimpered out, "Vicky," helplessly. I slid my finger out, revealing the liquid mortification of what I'd just done begin to take place.

I realized, one; I needed to drain the bath and get a shower going and two; I could never look at Victor in the face again--not when I used him to fulfill a sexual fantasy. And three, not when I have a boyfriend.

♡♡♡

After we all went out for dinner at a grill nearby, sharing a large rectangular table as we all enjoyed our feast, laughing and adding to the amplifying volumes in the congested mahogany interior, we eventually ubered back.

Keiona, Penelope, and I changed out of our fancy dresses as I watched them dress in comfortable but fashionable clothing. I was highly impressed by their ability to look like two different people depending on their outfits.

Keiona wore leggings and a cropped teal blue shirt with a hoodie over her curls and Penelope decided on Jay's army green hoodie with his gray sweats. She wore her glasses and her hair was in a side braid. I complimented them, watching from the bathroom doorway as they organized their makeup and put on natural looks.

"I hope you guys have fun at the firework show," I told them happily.

Penelope twisted around, slouching her shoulders. "Are you sure you don't want to go?" she urged, uplifting a smile. "I say to tell Sullivan to go eff himself and help yourself to a fantastic event with corndogs."

Keiona was scraping her mascara wand up her eyelashes, leaning over the bowl of the sink. "Either way," she mumbled with her mouth wide open below her big eyes. "You're getting a dog. I prefer the one that gives more satisfaction."

Penelope nodded in agreement. "I advise choosing the one that would better settle in your stomach."

I laughed, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. "I promised Sullivan I would do that with him tonight." I sighed again, my hands firmly cupping the doorway. "I really hope you guys have fun."

"You're hovering," Keiona muttered before popping her lips next to her lipgloss.

I straightened, noticing I was lingering outside of the bathroom. I guess I just wanted to be a part of it all and go to the firework show, but I was stuck to the hotel room.

Keiona pivoted towards me, situating her makeup down and placing her hands on my shoulders, grappling me into a hug. "I want you to come with."

"Me too," I murmured, returning the embrace. "Take lots of pictures!" I said after parting ways. They gave one last goodbye before leaving. I walked the length of the hotel room, then to the kitchenette, helping myself to a travel mug of tea. The string and paper hung over the lip.

As I was going to head over to Sullivan's room, he texted me to go down to the lobby and get mints. I exhaled wearily, stuffing his phone into my black sweatpants, which I didn't remember buying, but they were comfortable enough to lounge in. I brought them with me to coincide with my bubblegum pink fitted tank top with spaghetti straps that accentuated my chest and outline nicely. I thought Sullivan would like it, but he didn't bother noticing when I saw him.

I exited the room, sealing the door and double checking that the handle was locked before stuffing my hands in my sweatpants and trudging along the outskirts of the hotel beneath the awning. The sky was a misty blue, the perfect weather for fireworks. The fresh air chilled my cheeks, turning them rosy and I was comfortable.

After arriving in the indoor lobby using the elevator, I walked over to the main desk and asked for a couple of mints. The woman passed me more than plenty which I stuffed into my pocket, scuffing around on my slippers to see Victor lounging on the tan sofas aside the warm fire. An alcove of the fireplace made from different angled stones and cobble surrounded him.

I retreated over. "What are you doing? I thought you were going to go see the fireworks?" My voice was meek and he smiled instinctually at the fire, not even confirming my presence.

"It wouldn't have been the same without you." He finally raised his head from the fire's hold and narrowed in on my pants. "Those are mine."

I lifted a leg as if I'd just noticed, because I did. "Oh... would you look at that?" I chuckled, my cheeks burning red from remembering seeing him in that bathtub with me, but I had to shake it off and block it. It was just a dream... a very vivid, a very awake dream.

"What are you doing?" he asked, shaking his head with rifles of chortles to ignore me also. "Because I assumed you'd be with Corbett."

"I am--" My phone buzzed and he shot down to the pocket of his sweats that I was wearing. As I plucked out my phone several candies came flying out and onto the rug. I went to bend down then answer the phone or bend down or answer, but in my franticness, he held up his hand to stop me, his knees striking the ground to gather the mints.

I looked at the screen, then saw Sullivan's emojis and pleading faces, his text saying 'hurry' with a sad face. I closed my eyes stressfully, the wave of pain flooding into me. I didn't want to feel the aching for days after and I just didn't want to feel that emptiness I so badly felt in those moments.

Victor's hand startled me and I opened my eyes to see that he was now standing. The mints were on the coffee table. "You don't have to, Rhy. I'm your teacher, right?" he urged, looking down on me with a strain in his eyes as if he were begging me to understand. I weakly nodded. "Then my lesson to you right now, is that if you don't want to go, then don't. Let me take you to the firework show?"

"I can't, I can't be that girlfriend," I muttered. "Maybe if I just express to Sullivan that I am uncomfortable--I have to communicate!"

"Azariah." His eyes were focused on my collarbone and I struggled to see what he was looking at. "Why is there a bruise on you? It's faint, but a fucking see it--" His voice was hard and unwavering, his glare even worse.

I was shocked that no one noticed, I didn't even notice. It must've been from when Sullivan pushed me for drinking the alcohol, that was from a long time ago and I was surprised there would still be something.

"Did he do this to you?" he asked, but not angry, he was out of breath. As if he was running and running to find me.

"I, well, no--it was my fault--"

"God--" Victor spun, releasing me from his grasp and throwing his head up, his hands squishing his skull as he blinked hurriedly and tears cascaded down his cheeks. "First the picture," he mumbled under his breath, but I didn't question or dig deeper, "then the locker, and now this."

"What are you talking about?"

"I must've failed," he admitted. "Sit." He was pointing to the couch before ripping the phone from my grasp and shutting it off so no notifications could come through. "Your phone died," he said though he knew I watched him. He sat down next to me, hauling me into his grasp and letting me sink into every contour.

He pressed a word-saturated kiss to my forehead. Rocking me leisurely before saying, "let's go to the firework show. I won't tell Sullivan you went, but Rhy if you ever--" He blinked, another coat of wet tears reshaping in his eyes. His dark irises seemed multidimensional from where I sat on his lap.

"If you ever," he restarted, "think for another Goddamn minute that he has control over you, he doesn't. He's just as much of a person as you, and you--" His breath hitched. "If he hurts you, I will never forgive him, but if you hurt you, I could never forgive me. I let you think that he was worthy of all that effort, I let you think that he was some obtainable prize, but he isn't, Princess. He's just as stupid as the next guy and no one will ever be good enough for you."

I snuggled into him, my lips tight, repressing something fuzzy in my heart from exploding. "And you? Are you good enough for me?"

His sad, tear-sodden laughter spiked. "No, Princess, I am far, far, far from ever being good enough for you and I will let you know that every day."

x