50 | 𝐺𝑒𝑡 𝑎 𝑁𝑒𝑤 𝐷𝑖𝑐𝑘

My hand rapped forcefully against the surface four times.

"How did I know it was you?" he asked, but I ignored him and pushed past his shoulder.

"I'm so confused," I uttered, walking through his dark, ominous room, an obscure night lamp guiding me to his bed in which laid a series of pencils and a notebook with his laptop. I navigated all the items to give me some room before I squeezed in and laid down, pulling up the covers and drowning myself in them.

"Confused about what? Where your room is located?" Victor approached me, narrowing at my hooded eyes. "What's wrong?" He sat himself by my feet, his hand running up my comforter clad legs.

"This was supposed to be easy, but it's not." I groaned into the pillow and squeezed my eyes shut.

Keiona disappeared from our room and I assumed Rowan went with her, luckily for me, that was the case, otherwise things would be a little awkward. I stated, "clothes can't make someone love you." I sat upright, his hand still lingering before my eyes shot down to the laptop. "It's three in the morning, what are you doing up?"

"I ask the same to you," he probed, an eyebrow levitating to his hairline conspicuously.

I sighed and situated my hands in a clasp on my lap. "Well, first I was with Sullivan and then I was in pain, but that was normal sex stuff, sorry, T.M.I, and then my thoughts kept me up, plus online shopping. I bought a prom dress." My voice fell to the pit of my gut. "Sullivan texted it to me. It's purple."

"You hate purple?" Victor recalled making me smile.

"I did, maybe things will change." I shot my eyes to his laptop. "Now you." The screen had turned off and it was just my reflection staring back at me dimly. Pencils littered his bed and when I read over the notebook page, I saw Valetino's name.

"Well, I was doing some research, and after what my mom said, Valentino's dad lives in Florida, but when I called his wife, she said that he's currently in Washington for some business trip--I don't know what he does. But this is perfect. I'm booking a flight right now, you wanna come?" He sounded somewhat happy, but I remembered that familiar excitement when we went to San Francisco.

"Vicky," I murmured, taking the laptop out of his hands and placing it beside us. It was the only blinding light that allowed me to see his expression clearly. "I don't know about all this. You know your brother isn't there. Why don't you just call the guy."

"Well," Victor intercepted, holding up his finger as he tilted the laptop towards him and typed something. "His wife mentioned that Valentino has contacted his father--which means, he's alive!" He was whisper-shouting, the enthrallment ridden in his irises. "I could almost feel his hugs again, Rhy. We're so close."

My heart warmed when he added 'we're' as if I was involved in this whole experience, beginning to end, but I blinked away my tears and assured, "Victor, I will help you, always, but how is seeing his father going to--"

"Cause I want to see the father of my brother, Rhy," he exhaled, his smile aching. "I have dreamed of this moment of finally getting somewhere and you gave me the final push to go out there. I wouldn't have left Wyoming alone, and I want you during every moment." His eyes fleeted over every part of my face. "You don't want to go," he stated, the realization dawning on him.

"It's just--" I licked my lips.

"If money is an issue, we'll sort it out, I have been saving for these types of trips and you can pay me back in the future, I need you there," he expressed, virtually on the verge of tears as he spoke.

"No, it's not that... It's just... me in a relationship with Sullivan now means that I--"

He backed away. "This is about Corbett?" The way he spoke broke my heart, each crack in the letter shattered every thought that I had leading up to admitting my dilemma. "Look, if this about us practicing, I'll stay the fuck away from you just don't fucking leave me again!" He put his hands up in surrender, towering over me.

"No--"

"But Azariah," he described, "you have been the only reason why I am getting so close to finding my brother. At this point, my goal lies somewhere with knowing he's okay, seeing him, and you meeting him." His voice was pained and broken sounding. The three AM night wasn't helping either, everything felt so shallow and empty, and the stagnant air of our aligned breaths made it feel like we were at the deepest, most darkest parts of the ocean. My head hurt from how far away we were from the rest of the world.

I wanted to heal every wound on him, but I was useless. All that I said was, "look, Liv just started to accept that we are friends so me not going with you is protecting our friendship. He won't allow me to see you anymore if I go to Washington with you alone--"

He turned away, thrusting his fist into the dresser and the vibration of the punch made me jump. "This is about fucking Corbett," he said again as if this situation was excluding him entirely. "I think we both know I am heart broken by the fact that I helped you get the guy of your dreams, but don't do this to me." There were tears flickering in his eyes. "Don't be friends with me on Corbett's terms, don't be friends with me anytime you just need help with him and then push me away every time you realize that Corbett isn't your expectations.I got you to where you are, and I'm sorry that it's not everything you thought it was, but get out if you're going to start pushing me away again because of your insecurities.

He continued to say, "it isn't my job to make you happy in your relationship with another guy, but it was your job to be my friend despite everything." He finished with a heaving breath. "I'm not going to let you push me away, and instead I'm going to push you out myself. Now leave my room and have a goodnight."

"Vicky--"

"No, I'm not playing this game again, I was going to give you another chance tonight. I tried last night, I tried at the river, I tried at the firework, I tried at the carnival, the hot-tub, hell, I even tried right now. I am sorry you are not happy, I truly am," he trembled out, choking on his words, "but not only can I keep watching you get hurt, but I can't keep getting hurt by you. I know I can keep my feelings for you at bay, but you don't even wanna be my friend---" he cracked out.

"No, Vicky, I---"

"I think we need a break."

I slipped from the covers and stumbled to him. "No, I'm sorry, I'm just confused---"

"And when you find yourself then maybe you can find me again, but until then," he said, guiding me with his hand out of the room, "I think it's best if we stay away from each other. For real this time."

He shut the door between us.

♡♡♡

"What happened last night?" Her voice was solemn and I almost wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay by the way her eyes looked at me.

"Nothing," I brushed off, kicking a rock on the ground and watching it skid before hitting Rowan's heel.

"I get it, you're upset, but you don't have to get violent," he jested, twisting around to walk alongside me with Keiona on the opposing side. "What's up?" He looked up and gestured to the guy dressed in all black. "You two couldn't be more obvious that something happened."

"Agreed," Keiona muttered. "Want me to beat his ass?" She shot daggers towards me and I was sure if I gave her the a-okay permission, she'd jump him, without even me giving her a valid reason to.

"No," I chuckled. "I needed a good laugh though." I lowered my head. "I just felt like everything was going so well and then shit had to blow up in our faces. Why couldn't it all be okay?" I grumbled under my breath, some loose tufts of brunette hair fell into my eyes. "I dreamt of this day, y'know? Getting to call Sullivan my boyfriend, everybody loves him, teachers, students, and so many more people, but why don't I?"

Keiona and Rowan audibly gasped, sharing a quick look with each other. Keiona murmured, "is this the first time you're admitting to not liking him?"

I ignored her smirk as I said, "I like him, but I can't help but think that it's not what I anticipated. I was expecting picnics, talks on the beach, laughter, and hot sex."

Rowan scrunched his nose. "Did you get any of those?"

"No," I muttered. "Instead, I've come to the conclusion that sex is disgusting, picnics don't happen, conversations are just as dead as chiverely, and laughter's overrated." I huffed and complained, "Kayla's read numerous romance stories and the main characters think they'll never fall in love with the guy and lemme tell you, these love interest guys' are smoking hot with bad mouths, and are considerate and smart. I'm looking right at him and I want to fall in love, but the author of my story says nope."

Keiona narrowed her eyes. "Are you... high?"

"No," I admitted. "Sorry about my tangent, I just have always wanted him and now I'm questioning what's wrong with me."

"Well," Rowan began, "Luckily, the only thing you need to be worrying about is your mental health for comparing your life to a romance novel and blaming your lack of a sex life on some random author controlling you. You have free will, Riyah, you don't like his dick, go get a new one."

"That's not what I meant," I uttered tiredly. "Look, I've just always saw him as this attractive golden boy and now he's... just him." I sigh.

Keiona shook my arm. "Are you hearing yourself, Girl?" She groaned and shook her head. "I'm done with you, I'm done." She laughed as she tugged Rowan aside and writhed to the front of our pack of teenagers. We must've looked intimidating from far away, that or confused, since Clem kept looking at his map with thin square rimmed glasses in attempts to decipher what he was looking at.

He pointed off into the distance. "If this goes to..." He pivoted. "And that goes to..." He looked at us. "That means we're lost."

We'd just come back from bird watching and a bake sale. It was fun selling all these cute little pastries made by the locals and we were able to raise a handful of money to charities. However, as we were walking back down the hike on a dirt trail in the mountains, we easily detoured, even after camp ranger, Myra, told us to turn left at the blue tape, right at the yellow, straight then turn at green, and another turn... and yet another...

"I think we need to go back two turns," Sullivan mentioned. "That's where you messed up." He already started to diverge from the group when Clemont called him back.

"No, we have to be going the right way," Clem muttered under his breath, shaking his head and starting to walk uphill to the left, stopping and looking the other direction.

Olivia approached me with a half-hearted smile. "Looks like we'll be here for a while." She placed a hand on my shoulder, startling me. "Riyah, you'll be okay. I happened to overhear your conversation--"

"Keiona and Rowan are just making assumptions--"

"Last night with Victor," she concluded with a narrowed look in her eyes. "Honestly, you keep saying how you need a break from Victor, when I think you need a break from Sullivan--"

"We're in a happy relationship," I spasmed, licking my lips and walking away, her hand fell off me. Just as I was walking from the group to get some space, I tripped on an overgrown root on the ground and fell face first into the dirt path. A series of questions and waves of worry flooded over me.

"Are you okay?"

"What happened?"

"Azariah, you okay?"

Clemont came running over. "Do we need the first aid kit? Any blood?"

I laid on my stomach as I shifted to see my sore palms, but they looked to be fine, my knees were burning, but they were equally clean from any bruises or blood. I sighed, my chin on the cold dusty, dirt as I mumbled, "I'll be fine. I'm just gonna lay here for the meantime till someone knows where we're going."

As I laid on the ground, the group behind me deciding which way to go, I realized that I was in love with Sullivan. Why else would I do everything in my power to protect our relationship? I never want anything interfering with him and I. We were perfect together--no, we were meant to be together. Him and I and everything in between. If anything, Victor and I have had so many problems lately, we were constantly arguing, constantly dropping each other, and I wish him well with finding his brother, but I'm still seventeen years old and he shouldn't expect that kind of pressure on me.

I knew deep down that if anything was to happen to me, Sullivan would be there, just not when I'm laying on the ground in the middle of the woods, because if that's the case, it would be Mikayla Ashby who would sit herself criss cross by my head and look down at me like I was a puzzle.

My neck strained from its awkward position, my chin propped up on the ground. I grumbled inaudibly, "if you're here to talk about--"

"Nope. Consider this a... how are you?" She revealed a genuine smile that made me roll over onto my back, and she joined me, the rest of our club hovering in the distance as we spoke.

"I'm miserable. Indecisive, childish, and I hate sex." I cupped my face. "What is wrong with me? Life just got so frustrating."

"At least prom is coming, the moment we've all been waiting for." Her voice was optimistic, but then she scrunched her face and shifted to face me horizontally. "Sex isn't supposed to be horrible."

"Well, it is." I threw my hands over my head and they laid out against the cold pathway. "It hurts like a bitch."

"Who did you do it with?" she asked, her eyes flicking over me.

I snapped, "who do you think, Kayla? My freaking boyfriend." I sighed again, getting annoyed by where this conversation was going. "I don't want to hear it, sex is just not for me," I crooned in a sing-song tone. She laughed hysterically, her knees to her chest as she laid on her back. "Why are you making fun of me?"

She tried containing it. "I'm not--" She chortled. "But one, your life does not revolve around two dweebs, and two, sex is fucking amazing."

"Hell yeah it is," Keiona claimed, approaching us looking like a goddess with how tall she was. The sun outlined her and started blinding my eyes when I looked up at her standing over us. She looked over to Penelope and Olivia who also joined in. "Sex is great, right?"

"Virgin," Penelope said.

"Oh my God, don't even get me started. When I first lost it to my boyfriend, Jackie, it took two day recovery time and a taco dinner before we did it ten times a day."

"Girl," Keiona laughed, "how do you have the stamina?"

Olivia just shrugged when I shot upright, looking at all of them before each of them crouched in front of me and we sat in our own little circle. In the distance, Clemont was yelling in Chinese and the four guys tried deciphering it, while also trying to find out how to get back.

"What are you talking about? It hurts!" I exclaimed quietly, scanning their expressions, hoping to get some sort of give.

Kayla groaned out in frustration. "Sullivan is horrible. I mean, I gave him the benefit of the doubt taking his virginity, but he refused to use a condom!"

"Oh, hell no!" Penelope complained. "I may be a virgin, but even Jay was saying how he'd always want to make me feel safe and protected. No babies for me, not for a while."

"Preach!" Keiona exclaimed, throwing her hands up, but they all quieted while Olivia meekly asked my name, shining the spotlight on me as Keiona scolded, "you do use a condom, right?" In my silence, she deadpanned, "Azariah Kellman!"

Oh, shit, I'm in trouble.

I hurriedly defended, "I thought it was normal! He said wearing them doesn't feel as good and he said he was clean, and I'm on birth control!" I cried out, but they all shared a similar expression that scared me.

Keiona then yelled, "Victor!" She assured me with a smile, but I was not assured, panicked, I was really panicked, especially when she called out again, "Victor! Pretty boy!"

He came jogging over, crouching down between Keiona and Penelope as he asked, "why am I invited to girl talk?"

"Give me a condom," Keiona snapped, making my heart pick up speed. "I know you have one--"

"What?" He seemed absolutely confused. "What makes you think I have one?" He seemed slightly mortified in place, looking at everyone's eyes but mine.

Keiona upturned her palm. "I know you have one and believe me when I say you are not getting lucky, just give me the condom and no one gets hurt."

Victor gruffled out, "fine!" Slapping the thin plastic square to Keiona's hand before walking away and joining Clemont who was now yelling in French.

Keiona passed it over to me. "If you don't use a condom--"

I surrendered my hands, holding them out. "Hold up, are you insinuating that I use Victor's condom with Sullivan? Isn't that a little... weird?"

"Oh, it is," Keiona assured. "But what's weirder is mini Sullivan's running around."

Olivia added, "yeah, agreed. My mom had me at sixteen and lemme tell you, you don't want to do it."

I stared at the condom, their anticipation driving me insane. They all wanted me to say something, so instead, I muttered, "this is too big for Sullivan." I cracked a smile before their laughter went wild.

x