19 // Grave

Kiki stooped low to the ground. Clumps of grass that had skirted round the inscribed slab, pricked and moistened away the warmth in her knees. She quaked, ran her fingers limply along the cold surface as though to seek reprieve in its crude touch. One futile effort, she ached, an unfamiliar emotion settling within her pecs. She stirred forward, hands curling on the dried leaves that had inked his name to a blur, they squirmed and rustled beneath her fingers as she wiped all away, and then she stilled, pored over the inscription and willed tears to her eyes, but none came, instead, regret and shame took its footing.

"Guka how are you doing? Am sorry it took me long to visit." She tipped her chin forlornly. "I promise to come back every month, at least to keep this place clean. I can't have your grave looking all abandoned." She began to pluck wisps of grass around the slab.

"Guka I've met someone, well two to be exact, but I only came with one, he wanted to see you too." She turned behind and searched for Mr. Hawi but she didn't see him.

"He's too slow, a tortoise in a pewter suit, this aging thing is doing him more harm than good. You should let him on on your secret." Kiki laughed and the sound of it almost troubled her. This new found sprite felt queer, and selfishly happy. No, she couldn't afford such emotions, at least not in front of his grave. Only sorrow and grief were to be distinct, poignant and of a fierce pang to her heart. Not happiness, not even a slight twitch of bliss.

Once she'd plucked most of the grass, she stood to her feet and heard footsteps behind her. She turned and saw Mr. Hawi approach. "Took you long, huh?"

Mr. Hawi tugged a smile and stood next to Kiki. "Everything takes me long." He had lilies on his hand and handed them over to her. "Thought he'd appreciate the kind gesture."

Kiki smiled, laid the flower on the slab. "Thank you. He'll love it."

"Mr. Charles Rubiri. Born 1955. Died in 2015. He must have been a great man," he breathed, kept quiet in a beat of second, then looked to Kiki. "How are you feeling?"

Kiki sighed. "Funny I don't even know what I'm feeling. I have always tried so hard to keep away and not visit. The last time I was here, a year ago, I couldn't even step this close and not have my heart torn into shreds. I remember crying so much, didn't see the light of day for one whole week. But now I don't know what I'm feeling, all I know, whatever it is, it's all contrary and I don't like it."

"Come sit here with me." Mr. Hawi called to her. Pointed on an elevated ground, adjacent to the grave.

"The earth still dewy, are you sure you want to sit there and ruin your suit?"

"The sun is up, it must have dried and God knows my legs ain't feater like before." He sat himself down, his arms to his knees.

Kiki sat next to him, curled her legs to her chest and watched an elated sapphire rise above the hilly backdrop of Ngong. She silenced, heard the chirp of birds and wondered about the notions of grief, what to be free of it actually meant and how it felt to not grieve anymore. Was it a complete state of nirvana, an aha moment spurred by a singular pulse or was it just rue poised on a taut rope?

Mr. Hawi worked his jaw. "My wife Helena, died seventeen years ago. It was never easy back then when the wound was still fresh and even now when it's all scab, it's still not easy without her."

"Am sorry to hear this."

"No it's okay." Mr. Hawi caught his breath and looked to her. "What am trying to say is that one never gets over the loss of someone they love. There is never really away to blur the love in your heart, even when the ache is impudent and cruel. The pain is a reflection of love. You don't get to regret the pain, you embrace it and mold it to your own growth. When you get to be happy it doesn't mean that you are selfish or have betrayed them, you shouldn't feel bad about it. A loss is meant to give you new meaning, help you see the world in a different perspective."

Kiki then understood what he said. She was happy and contented and the mere notion of it had tasted like filth to her mouth, a crooked twist to her heart. But it was okay, okay to have all these emotions because then it meant she was getting over the grief and defining a whole new path for herself. And that was a good thing.

Kiki leaned on Mr. Hawi's shoulder and zoomed in on her guka's grave, a smile to her lips.

To new beginnings.