eleven - breathing

the art of breathing

- - -

Kareem led me into the bathroom as we dried ourselves, pulling our t-shirts back on. His fingers brushed my hair out of my face, attempting to make the wet strands stay in place.

"You okay?" He mumbled, kissing my lips softly for a moment.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat, guilt clawing at my stomach. "I'm so sorry about Jem."

"It's not your fault, Angel." Kareem rubbed his thumb over my cheekbone, a gentle smile on his face. "It's fine."

"It's really not. I'll speak to them, make sure they know it's not okay to-"

Next thing I knew, I was being picked up and placed on the bathroom counter. My heart fluttered as he started kissing my neck, lips gliding across my skin as his teeth nipped gently.

"Kaz-" I let out slowly, trying to force myself into manually breathing. "W-what are you doing?"

He didn't answer, aside from a smirk nuzzling against my skin. Something in my stomach fluttered at the gesture.

"Stay over tonight." He managed to say breathily between sucks.

I nodded, not quite managing to formulate the words to agree. Every part of my skin was on fire.

He just continued, spurring on when my hand met his curls. He practically mewled against my skin when I started running my fingers through the dark strands-

"Saint, where the fuck is th- Oh!"

We broke apart, staring at Hendrix as she eyed us with her eyebrows raised, a smirk soon making its way onto her face.

"Oh."

"Where's what?" I said with a straight face. Do not react.

"My innocence." She countered while looking at my neck.

I sent her a weird look, before turning to the mirror.

"Bitch!" I yelled, shoving Kareem's shoulder as he laughed. I'm never going to recover from Hendrix's torments.

Three freaking hickey's. Three. How am I supposed to hide these from Sacha?

Kareem cackled as he dodged out of the bathroom, no doubt wanting to escape my complaints. I ruffled my hair but it was too short to stretch down to my neck so I was left with no other option than to face the music.

Heading out of the bathroom, I bumped into someone heading into the room.

"What are you- Oh." Jem cut themself off, "Hey."

"Hey?" I repeated, blinking at them before shaking my head. I grabbed their arm and dragged them into the bathroom before slamming the door shut.

"The fuck are you doin-"

"Are you being serious?" I let go of my grip on their arm. "What was that before? What is your problem?"

"You barely know him!"

"I barely know the people who come into the bakery every morning, does that mean I have an excuse to be rude to them?" I shot back just as quickly. I couldn't believe it. "You don't know him and that's your fault. Don't try to humiliate him because you're apparently scared on my behalf."

"What do you mean-"

"Hendrix! Hendrix hates everyone but she loves Kaz. Why? Because she's actually had a conversation with him. My little brother who doesn't speak to anyone he doesn't know likes him. You're the only one with the problem so fix it. Quickly." I demanded, anger buzzing in my veins as I glared at Jem. "You're my best friend and I'll always love you, but I didn't sign up to be friends with someone cruel. I don't like the person I'm seeing."

They crossed their arms, jaw locked. Both of us could be stubborn, and we both knew neither of us would give in. "So what? You're picking him over me?"

"It isn't about choosing someone over someone else. It's about you being nothing but nasty to someone who had done nothing to any of us." I pointed a finger at their chest, "You've got a problem? That's your problem. Keep it away from me."

They scoffed, "I can't believe you."

"Right back at you," I rebutted without hesitation, "Can you seriously not understand how messed up that was? We grew up in a village that was pretty conservative. We know more than most about how cruel people can be. Are you really going to act like those people that we tried to get away from just because I'm dating someone?"

This made their composure drop, lips tugging down as they thought over what I'd said. They knew exactly what I was talking about.

Jem was queer. They grew up in an Asian family, in an area that was majorly white.

I'd come out in a conservative area at fifteen. No amount of protection from my boyfriend could protect me from the things that people had to say.

"Being ignorant isn't a good thing, Jeremiah." I continued when they didn't speak. "Being ignorant doesn't make you tough or protect any of us. It makes you seem like a bad person so do me a favour and stay away from me until you decide that you don't want to be like them."

And with that, I stormed out of the bathroom and headed into the living room. Kareem was waiting with our jackets, a paper bag in his left hand and his right hand extended. Intertwining our fingers, I said a quick goodbye to Hendrix and Sacha. It seemed like Kezziah had already left.

"She has a party to go to," Kareem said as if he read my thoughts. "I don't live far from here."

"Okay," I said softly. My nerves started to settle in now I didn't have anything to distract me. "Will she be alright at a party?"

"Yeah," He hummed, "I don't like thinking of what she gets up to but I trust her."

We headed into his house and I sat down on the couch as Kareem checked his dog's water bowl and fed him. King bounced over to me, tail wagging and already so much bigger than he was when I last saw him.

Laughing, I scratched behind his ears as he tried to lick my face. I dodged the assault, sending Kareem a mock scowl when I heard him laughing.

Kareem zipped into the kitchen and returned before I could even process that he'd disappeared. He held out a cake tray with four buttercream cupcakes in it.

"What's this?" I asked, accepting the bag from him before cautiously opening it.

"Hendrix gave it to me before I left and I didn't have the heart to tell her I don't drink." He shrugged nonchalantly, but I froze at his words. Kareem didn't seem to notice my reaction as he continued. "I think it's got whiskey in it? And she mentioned something about Bailey's buttercream."

"What?" I practically growled out, glaring at the box in my hand. "She used my oven to make her stupid cupcakes when I clearly told her no?"

"Saint-"

"Oh my God." I muttered, not even surprised.

A few weeks ago Hendrix proposed making alcoholic cupcakes for fun. I voted no because we were not having alcohol present on the property where children were almost constantly. But apparently, my word is pointless judging by the fact she fucking did it anyway.

"I'm not eating them." I declared in protest.

Kareem grinned, amused by my very obvious disdain. He crossed his arms, muscles flexing as he raised his eyebrows. "Neither am I, love."

I hesitated, slightly curious about what they'd taste like given that Hendrix did make some nice buttercream when she actually dedicated her time to the baking part of owning a bakery. "Maybe I should? To make sure it's not a Health and Safety Risk?"

Kareem just nodded, as if having expected my answer. "I think you should but we won't tell her."

"I'm going to kill her." I mumbled before allowing a real smile to spread across my face. Without thinking, I pulled Kareem into a hug. Kaz let out a surprised laugh but relaxed into my hold, as if he'd been craving the physical touch just as much as I was. "I can't believe she's done this again."

"Again?" He inquired.

"Again," I deadpanned, "She got Sacha high from Pot Brownies at least once."

"He's like fifteen."

My eyebrows shot up, "Exactly my argument!"

"How Hendrix gets away with everything she does will forever astound me," Kareem fell down onto the couch, gesturing for me to move up next to him.

"She thinks she's invincible," I said with a scoff, cuddling into him. He started to run his fingers up and down the side of my torso.

He hummed, "Maybe she is."

"No one's invincible."

"Do you want to go upstairs? You look tired." He asked lowly.

"Sure," I tried not to let my anxiety overtake me. Kareem hadn't alluded to wanting anything more than sleep, but it's not always as simple as making a statement.

Following him up to his bedroom, he handed me a clean t-shirt and a pair of joggers before informing me that there was a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. We got ready for bed and, before I knew it, I was climbing in beside him.

He shuffled closer towards me, both of us resting on our sides. Kareem lifted his arm so it was resting over the back of my neck, caging us in together.

Our eyes lingered over each other's lips. Kareem tightened his arm around my neck, pulling my face closer. Our lips brushed, my heart fluttering. I melted into Kareem, kissing him back softly.

Kareem shifted me onto his lap, kissing the side of my neck as I slipped my hands under the comforter so my arms could wrap around him. I fisted my hand in his shirt, gripping the fabric as our lips collided.

We kissed tenderly, his touch sending electric shivers all across every inch of my skin. We held each other as tightly as we could, melting into each other, holding our bodies close.

My eyes fluttered shut as Kareem rested his chin on top of my head. I thought of the fact that I had to work at the Bakery early tomorrow morning but  I couldn't find myself to care, not being able to tear myself away from him.

I shifted awake when a noise jostled me from my dream, something involving Sacha and a Hawaiian shirt and the same annoying theme song to a show I couldn't figure out. I blinked, adjusting my eyes to the darkness as I heard a small, pained whimper from beside me. Kareem was tossing in the bed, sweat stark against his brown skin as his face twisted up in pain. Small mutters escaped his slightly open lips, the only word somewhat decipherable was the word please, repeating over and over again.

"Kaz?" I whispered hesitantly, debating whether or not touching him would be a good idea. I repeated his name again, louder, hoping it would wake him. But he just continued tossing around, whimpering and crying out as if he was being hurt.

And then he started to shout, flying upwards as his cry of pure agony rippled through him.

"Kaz," I said again, desperate, "Hey, can you hear me?"

Seeing that his eyes were opened, I surged forward gently until my hand skimmed his shoulder, trying to get his attention.

Without warning, a hand gripped my wrist and he was on top of me. The grip of his fingers bruising my skin as his forearm dug into my neck, the pressure making my head swim as I gasped for breath, eyes wide.

Kareem's eyes were wide and terrified, irises flying from my face to over his shoulder, as if checking for any other dangers.

"Kar-" I managed to gasp out, hand holding his wrist as I tried to breathe, my entire neck hurting from the pressure. That seemed to snap him out of it though as he reeled back, falling onto the end of the bed as he stared at me, mouth open.

And then he burst into tears.

The only sound I could hear was my own pants and the sobs completely overtaking Kaz's body. His entire form shook as he cried into his arms, curling into himself.

"Sorry. Shit, Saint, I- I'm so sorry. I hurt you, I-" He cried, barely managing to force the words out as he wept. "I'm so sorry. I thought you were- I. Fuck, I'm so sorry, so so sorry."

Not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, I just sat there. Gasping, trying to ignore the pain encasing my skin, trying to ignore the way fluid builds up in my eyes as I watched Kareem's unadulterated terror. All I could think is thank God we didn't go back to mine where Sacha was, thank God Kaz has this small amount of privacy to experience something that even I felt out of place witnessing.

How many times has he been alone when this has happened?

My entire heart was aching for him. I couldn't blame him for how he reacted when I got a glimpse, even for a moment, of the long lasting trauma that being in the Army instilled in him.

Quietly, I shuffled out of bed and headed downstairs into the kitchen. I made us chamomile tea and applied an ice pack to my neck, hoping to ease the remaining pain.

When I returned to the bedroom, Kareem was sitting cross-legged, fingers gripping his hair. Dark circles encased his eyes and tears were still present on his cheeks, but he wasn't crying anymore.

"Hey, bubs." I announced my presence quietly, hoping that I wouldn't startle him. "I've got us some tea, is that okay?"

I handed his cup to him and he remained quiet. I sat across from him, crossing my legs too, so I asked, "Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do?"

Kareem just looked at the tea in his hand, before answering quietly. "Can you talk?"

Talk.

"I started writing music when I was eleven." I said the first thing that comes into my head, the easiest distraction. Kareem just nodded, listening, which I took as consent for me to continue. It didn't even occur to me that my music wasn't something that I usually spoke about.  "It was just sentences at first and then I started to piece them all together. Sacha was always the musician though. I swear, he went through most instruments before he fell in love with the bass. We always said we'd start our own band but playing instruments, singing to crowds of people, it doesn't make me feel the same way as writing. We used to write together nonstop before I moved out for College, so I always knew he'd follow soon after. When he met Bodhi and Isaiah, I knew this was it for him. Music means too much to him. Now most of our writing sessions are planned with the boys, and it's been really cool. It's nice to write with people of different experiences and views, makes the lyrics a bit more interesting, you know?"

"I learnt to play guitar when I was ten. My fifth grade teacher used to spend recess teaching me." Kareem's voice shook so violently, as if it physically pained him to force the words out.

"I tried when I was in sixth grade, but it didn't work out. There's too much to learn. I always thought you just had to tug a few strings and then my fingers started hurting." I exclaimed, remembering how mortified I was when callous' began to form on my fingers. I basically gave up the moment I realized.

Upon hearing my laugh, the corner of Kareem's lips tugged up slightly. "What was the first song you wrote called?"

"Oh wow!" I chuckled, searching every inch of my memory for the title. "I remember being absolutely ecstatic when I first finished it. Even though I'd been writing for years, I didn't finish a full song until I was around fifteen. I think I named it 'Motion'. I've probably still got it somewhere too."

"Motion?" Kareem repeated as if asking me a question. At my very enthusiastic nod, he continued. "That's a weird name."

"Well excuse you, Mr Songwriter, I'd like to see you do better!"

Kareem laughed at that, my usual sass not being rendered by the circumstances. As if our minds thought the same thing, he sobered up, lips tugging down as his gaze lowered again.

"Saint, I'm so sorry."

My heart shattered. "It's oka-"

"Don't say that, it really isn't. I-I never want to hurt you." He said sincerely, gripping his own hand so hard that his knuckles began to whiten. "There's no excuse. Nightmare or not. I should know better. I do know better."

"Then, I accept your apology." I sighed, shuffling closer to him so our thighs were touching. Regardless of what happened, I refused to allow him to blame himself for something he couldn't control. If he was competent when he'd woken up, he'd never have done that and I knew that wholeheartedly. "I know you'd never hurt me purposely. I'm sorry I startled you."

"It's my fau-" At my look, he cut himself off and looked down into his cup. "I accept your apology too, and I'm still sorry."

"Want to talk about it?" I offered.

He shook his head, "Not yet, if that's okay?"

"Of course it's okay." I leaned my head on his shoulder, not wanting him to think that I'd been put off from the nightmare. He didn't react to my touch so I continued talking. "I'll never push you, or expect you to talk about things that you don't want to talk about. But just know that if you do want to speak about anything, I'll always be here to listen."

"I'm so thankful I met you." He mumbled, leaning his head on top of mine.

"So am I," I pressed a light kiss to the top of his chest. "We'll be alright, Kaz."

A/N:

thank you for reading!!