nineteen - doing what you love

the art of doing what you love (literally)

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"Sacha, fuck off."

My younger brother leaned forward, sticking his head between Kareem and me from where he was sitting in the back seat. "Do you ever stop complaining? Somebody's cranky today."

"Somebody needs to learn to shut the fuck up." I hissed, shoving his face back with my hand.

He let out a strangled squeal, provoking Kezziah to let out a bark of laughter at Sacha's expense.

"Maybe I'd stop complaining if you weren't so damned annoying. Keep talking and see what happens." I threatened idly, scowling.

That just made my brother snort, "You're about as intimidating as a butterfly."

"I'm sure Kezziah wouldn't mind taking my place." I added in, making Sacha's eyes flicker. Kezziah might be younger and a lot smaller than him, but she was scrappy.

And very scary.

"Jesus fuck." Kareem said under his breath, chuckling at us.

"What clown pissed in your cereal this morning?" Kezziah asked, shoving Sacha so he fell against the window. "You're being more annoying than usual."

"I'm always like this." Sacha said, offended. "You're just annoyed because you don't understand how much of a legend I am."

"Legend?" I laughed, hearing Kezziah follow my actions. "As far as I'm concerned, you're lucky I'm not insisting we drop you off at an animal shelter."

"Or at Trump Tower." Kezziah piped up. Sacha glared at her.

"You would never."

I shrugged, sending Kareem a sly smile. "Oh, wouldn't I?"

"Jem would kill you."

I shrugged again, "They don't have to know."

"Don't worry, Sach, I wouldn't let him do that." Kareem assured him, to Sacha's utmost delight, before his frown returned when Kareem continued, "It'd be pointless anyway. Trust me, they'll bring you back."

That was the last straw before Kezziah and I started howling with laughter, my arm holding my stomach as it started to hurt.

"I don't know why I put up with this."

"Be grateful we're even taking you to Bodhi's." I muttered, "You're only going because we were taking Kezz there anyway. I would've left you at home otherwise."

"Surely this could be classed as child neglect," My brother complained. "Kareem, tell him to stop. Please!"

A laugh bubbled out of my boyfriend's throat as he shook his head, parking the car as Kezziah hopped out.

"No can do, Sach. But have fun!" He laughed even harder when Sacha let out a small huff of frustration.

Watching as our siblings disappeared into Bodhi's house, with Kezziah shoving Sacha so he nearly fell down the steps, the corners of my lips tugged up. "Perhaps we should be nicer to them."

"Perhaps," Kareem agreed with a shrug, driving us back towards his house. "But we won't be."

"True."

It was all love, to be honest. They knew that deep down.

As much as they both denied it, I knew Sacha and Kezziah enjoyed each other's company. They'd seen a lot more of each other while Sacha had been staying at Kareem's, which led to a number exchange. They'd been going out a lot and were developing a friendship that I hoped would last for a lifetime.

Sacha needed a support system away from myself and the band, and a part of me believed Kezziah needed the same. Even though I'd been in her company multiple times by that point, she was still so incredibly reserved in a manner that I'd never encountered before. She has this look in her eyes that just speaks of unspeakable sights, as if she'd seen a lot of shit that she'd rather not talk about. The only person who I'd witnessed get past her defensive stance was Kareem.

Four Grey's Anatomy episodes later and we were asleep in Kareem's bed, with Kareem practically curled up asleep on my lap.

I'd drifted off for a few hours before evidently waking up to what had begun to become a familiar sight.

Ten minutes after I was forced awake, Kareem curled up in my lap. Head resting on my neck as his body shuddered with heavy breaths. Tear tracks stained his bronze cheeks as I hummed a soft melody to him, the same one that they'd concluded their first concert as a four-piece with.

I carted my fingers through his hair, hearing him release a small sigh into my neck. He'd woken up unsettled, thrashing in the blankets with a sheet of sweat sticking to his forehead. Another nightmare of another horror he'd witnessed.

"Do you want to go back to sleep?" I asked as I tucked my chin into his hair, breathing in his scent softly.

He shook his head against my shoulder, still releasing small pants as he tried to calm his erratic heart. I lightly scraped my fingers against his scalp, attempting to give him something to focus on away from what he was undoubtedly remembering.

"Let's get up then, okay?" I whispered, climbing out of the bed following Kareem's hum of approval. I took his hand in mine and we headed towards the kitchen. King trotted in behind us, tail wagging as the dog probably wondered why we were awake so early. Starr was curled up on the couch, snoring softly.

The digital clock that Sacha insisted Kareem needed, due to the fact he couldn't read normal clocks, flashed as it turned to 4:26am. I thanked Hendrix for deciding that I needed a day off because I fully intended to sleep all day once Kareem felt safe enough to do so.

He was still disorientated, red eyes blinking as I turned on the kitchen lamps. I nodded silently towards the mantlepiece, sending him a small grin when he sat upon it.

"So..." I started off, searching the cupboards for what I needed. "Hot Cocoa and cookies? That sound okay?"

"Yeah," He mumbled, hand outstretched as I passed him a mixing bowl.

Quickly, I measured out the correct ingredients and asked Kareem to mix together the flour, salt and baking powder as I creamed the butter and sugars together. I added eggs and vanilla, noticing Kareem watching me from where he'd finished.

"Stir these together until you can't see the flour anymore." Handing him the bowl, I found Sacha's chocolate chip stash and poured a cup full into the bowl.

I lined the baking sheet with parchment paper, dropping spoonful's of the mixture onto the sheet using the ice cream scoop we tended to use a lot during the summer. I placed the tray into the oven, setting the timer so we wouldn't over bake them.

"Marshmallows and cream?"

"Please," He said softly. I heated up the milk and added cocoa powder, finishing the mug off with whipped cream, marshmallows and chocolate shavings before handing one to him and jumping up onto the mantlepiece beside Kareem. We had about five minutes left until the timer was due to go off.

We sit in silence for a few moments before I speak up. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." He admitted honestly, staring down into his cup. "I just want to forget it all."

"I don't want to psychoanalyse or micromanage you. At the end of the day I'm your boyfriend, not your shrink." I glanced at him, mouth twitching when I saw his entirely blank face. "But I think therapy might help, if you really want to learn how to cope with it."

"I don't need a fucking shrink. I'm fine." He insisted with more bite than I expected, muscles tense.

I bit back a sigh, "As I said, I'm your boyfriend. You don't need to do anything you're not comfortable with."

This seemed to soften his resolve as he relaxed. "I'm not crazy."

"I know you're not." Leaning to the side, I intertwined my fingers with his. "Kaz, you've been through a lot. Nobody would think any less of you if you wanted to go to see someone just to talk. It's healing on your terms."

"What if-" He cut himself off, swallowing audibly.

"What if?" I pushed gently, before taking a sip of my hot chocolate.

"What if I deserve it?" Kareem whispered, staring at me with teary eyes. He squeezed my hand, lower lip shaking. "I was in charge. They were my squad and some of them died. How is that fair?"

Everything within me hurt at his words. The thought of Kareem ever not existing burning at something deep inside me as I found myself lost for words.

"Kaz..." My voice trembled, eyes wide. "Baby, it wasn't your fault. This isn't your punishment. You did nothing wrong."

"Then why am I still here?" He stuttered, removing his hand from mine and placing his cup down as he held his head in his hands. His fingers gripped his hair, pulling tightly at the strands.

There were so many ways that I could twist the conversation. I could tell him that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand it or it hurts. I could tell him that it wasn't his fault, that he wasn't responsible for his friends getting harmed. I could sprout about how survivor's guilt is a bitch, and most Vets suffer with it because of how completely fucking callous the job is. Maybe someone with a little less sensitivity would point out that casualties are kind of part of the job description.

When it came down to it, nothing I said could make it better. They were dead. Lennon was dead. No amount of condolences would make that any better.

"You did everything you could." I replied instead, "You did everything you could've done to get you all out, as did everyone else. It wasn't anyone's fault that people died other than those who inflicted the harm, who shot the guns or planted the bombs. It's on them. Not you, not Zepp. You took care of everyone and you loved them...That is enough."

The timer beeped and I quickly wiped at my face, brushing the tears off my cheeks as I used an oven mitt to take the baking tray out and leave the cookies to cool. Away from Kareem, I took a moment to just breathe. In and out. It was just past 5am. The entire world was quiet. Everything was quiet.

Maybe that was why everything seemed like too much.

I turned back around to face Kareem, catching his eyes that were already on me. I pull his iPad out of the drawer and connect it to the sound system, putting one of my quiet playlists on shuffle.

Reaching out my hand, I let the corners of my lips tug up as I wait for Kareem to do something. His eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion but he pushed himself off the kitchen deck and took my hand in his. Pulling him closer to me, I wrapped my arms around his neck and rested my head on his shoulder.

He sagged into my hold, arms encircling my waist as we began swaying to the calm music. Back and forth. Together.

I promised myself at that moment that this was it for me. I wanted a lifetime with Kareem Murad. The good days and the bad. The afternoon laughs and the early morning tears. I wanted it all. I wanted us to have it all.

And I had full confidence that we would.

After a considerably high amount of cookies were consumed, I'd managed to coax Kareem back into bed so he could get a few more hours of sleep.

I'd drifted off instantly, Kareem's arm extended across my stomach as he burrowed into my side. Sleep found us peacefully and, by the time I woke, the exhaustion from staying up until sunrise wasn't noticeable.

But I've never been a fan of waking up.

The bed shuttered slightly, the motion jerking me out of my sleep. Eyes wired shut, my nose nudged against something warm. A sweet smell unfurled within my nostrils that made me want to submerge myself into the cosy wonderland that I knew as sleep. Just before I managed to drift off completely, however, soft fingertips started to stroke over the back of my neck.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

Kareem's voice marinated over my body for a second, raspy with sleep. I shook my head, nose nudging against what I assumed was his neck as I burrowed deeper into the sweet warmth.

"'M asleep."

A gentle rumble made Kareem's chest lift up, "You're asleep?"

"Hmh," I mumbled, before cracking one eye open as I felt a kiss being dropped onto my forehead. I cleared my throat, "You're not supposed to talk to people who are sleeping."

Kareem's voice seemed to flow like honey, sounding strangely awake for the early morning. "Says who?"

"Everybody normal." The mutter slipped out as I clenched my eyes shut, pulling the duvet higher. "Wake me up when it's noon."

"It is noon."

"Wake me up when it's five in the afternoon then." I rebutted, voice rattling as I yawned.

It took a few minutes for me to coax my eyes open again, despite knowing that any sleep I could've got was gone. Forcing my eyes open, I caught Kareem's soft, mocha-hued gaze as his smile widened.

"This is my first complete day off in years. I shouldn't be awake right now." I shut my eyes, curling my body around Kareem's torso as I shook my head. "Why are you awake? 'S too early."

"It's nearly one," Kareem's hand dropped under the blanket, fingertips stroking my bare shoulders. I let out a soft sigh at the feeling. "You're cute when you're asleep."

"I'm cute when I'm awake too,"

Kareem laughed breathily and I pulled myself up, resting on my elbows on the other side of the bed. My eyes squinted with the force of the light. Kareem's hair was untamed, catching in the light and creating a halo of wild waves along his bronzed skin. His face was soft with sleep.

"Keep telling yourself that," His lips arched into a slow smile, making me let out a small chuckle before pushing myself up and out of the bed. I pulled on one of Kareem's hoodies, before leaning down to press my lips to Kareem's cheekbone.

His smile grew as he got up too, digging his fingers into the pouch of skin on my lower belly. I laughed loudly, batting his hand away and letting him tangle our fingers together. He used his hold on my hand to pull us together, planting a quick kiss on my temple.

"Good morning," He whispered, kissing down to my cheek before pecking my lips. I smiled, gnawing at my bottom lip as I pretended to glance out of the window, grinning at the sunlight streaming into the room. "You're pretty always."

"We said cute, actually." I wrinkled my nose as he let out a dramatic groan at the correction.

"Did we?" He cocked his head, "That's a shame. Only pretty people get to choose between pancakes and egg's benedict."

"I thought I was supposed to be the chef?"

"Baking's not exactly the same as cooking, is it?" He teased while we headed downstairs and towards the kitchen. "You should leave the actual cooking to me."

"So you don't want to try any of the new muffin recipes I'm trying out then?" I commented casually, jumping up onto the mantlepiece and letting my legs hang beneath me. Kareem paused, halfway through removing the ingredients from the designated places. "That's a shame. I was going to try blueberry crumble tomorrow and bring you some but obviously I'm not a real cook so I guess you won't be interested."

Kareem continued his actions, still turning away from me but I could see his back muscles tensing. "I'm allergic to blueberries."

"You're allergic to shellfish." I deadpanned, cocking my eyebrow at him. "I also fed you blueberries on one of the first times we met."

"You actually remember that?" He turned around with furrowed brows, spatula in hand. "Hey, wait. I never told you I was allergic to shellfish."

I stayed silent, smiling despite my attempts to keep my lips closed.

"Kezz." He realized, letting out a dramatic groan. "What did she say? Did she give you the sister talk that she threatened me with?"

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about." I said through tight lips, trying not to smile wider.

The sister talk was something completely unexpected. Instead of the myriad of threats and warnings that I thought I'd receive, Kezziah instead gave me a full set of knowledge about her brother. Allergies, likes, dislikes, date preferences. It just proved to me how much she adored her brother, and how she wasn't as tough as she tried to make the world believe.

It was endearing for me to know that, even if Kareem didn't know his biological family, he still had one all the same.

"She did!" He cried out, the spatula being raised higher. I burst out laughing, folding over to hold my stomach as I cackled at the look on his face. "What did she say?"

"Is it true you can't eat bananas without puking?"

"No!" He exclaimed instantly. He managed to catch on to my little exaggeration quickly, narrowing his eyes. "That was mean."

"Deal with it."

The next day, Kareem held the door open for me, as I ducked inside my apartment. The door shut quietly behind me. I took my snapback off and ruffled my hair, shaking out the curls before that started to clump together.

"What'd you do today?"

"Went for a run with King, saw Kezz for a bit. Had to clean the spare room out in case she needed somewhere to stay."

My eyebrows furrowed as I took my black rucksack off. "Somewhere to stay? Is she okay?"

"She said the Foster's in the group home are fine but I don't want to be unprepared." He shrugged, as if that entire statement was casual. It made goosebumps decorate my arms. "What about you?"

I unzipped my bag, placed my hat inside and pulled out one of our cardboard boxes. I handed it to Kareem, who took it gently as if it'd break if his hand so much as slipped.

"Banana nut bread." I told him, as he slowly removed the lid and inhaled the fresh-bake smell. "There's some raspberry crumb muffins too."

Kareem's mouth dropped open, as he reached into the box and pulled out a piece of the bread. He hummed, eyes lighting up at the taste as I grinned at his reaction.

"So fucking good." He let out a groan.

Heat travelled up my neck, cheeks coloring at his reaction.

"As much as I love your baking, Angel, please don't feel like you need to bring me anything." He said, placing the bag on his kitchen table. "How was work?"

"Busy," I let out with a soft laugh, placing my coat on a kitchen chair. Kareem's kitchen was beautiful. Entirely spotless and spacious - like a baker's wet dream.

"No overly rude customers at eight in the morning?"

"Not today, thank fuck." I said, chuckling softly. "I probably would've walked out."

Kareem walked up to me, tilting his head. "Oh really?"

I bit my bottom lip, eyes moving across Kareem's face as his fingers slipped into the belt loops of my jeans.

"Yup."

Kareem pulled me closer, nosing at my neck as he hummed in acknowledgement. "Missed you," He mumbled, lips sucking lightly on my neck as I relaxed against him, nosing at his hair.

"We've got priorities," I managed to say, pushing our bodies away from each other. He pouted dramatically but abided by my wishes, knowing that this meant a lot to me. More so than he could ever imagine.

All my notebooks were spread out around us, pages open randomly as Kareem looked through all of the written words. We'd planned a writing session with the band but I didn't want to throw Kareem into one without him knowing how I usually wrote first.

My lyrics were something so deeply personal to me. My guiding point through life. The poems of my life, my emotions, my mindset. Everything that I've ever witnessed, everything I've ever experienced, were written in these pages.

Naturally, I was a little worried about sharing this side of myself with Kareem.

My music was something so incredibly private, so much that only Jem, out of the friend group, knew I wrote a lot of the band's songs. And Sacha, of course, but that's only because we've been writing together since we were children. I'd write his lyrics with him and he'd work on the instrumentals, and I've never been prouder than when I watched him perform our music.

But despite my slight anxieties, I felt nothing but joy at the look of bewilderment on the boy's face. There was something that felt so right about sharing this part of my soul with him.

"Fuck, Saint. I- Fuck, you're so talented."

His words sent a wave of butterflies through me as I felt the heat begin to creep up my neck.

We were both sitting on my living room floor, my notebooks spread out around us and the soft melody of Sacha's band's mixtape playing in the background.

"So you wrote them songs with him? Like, all of it?"

"We write together." I clarified, "As much as he can annoy me, Sach is amazing when it comes to music. It just comes naturally to him."

"I think all of these are perfect." Kaz admitted, his eyes falling down to the pages of music that I'd slowly been filling out for the past few hours. "The lyrics are so beautiful and raw. I can't wait to hear it live."

"Hopefully they can start recording soon." I nodded, smiling. "He's still trying to recruit Drix to help Isaiah on drums but we'll see. I think Jem's determined to help persuade her too. She's super talented, but Isa's got that passion, you know?"

"I think Isaiah's the best person for the job if I'm honest." Kareem voiced, "As much as I love Hendrix, she's not really a music person."

"That's what I've been trying to tell Sacha, but he wants her on this one song because he knows she'll slay it."

"I don't doubt that, to be fair." His fingers danced over the pages, an excited smile tugging the corners of his lips up. "So, when is the band coming?"

A/N:

thank you for reading!