twentyone - recovery

the art of recovery (it's worth it)

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Kareem cries himself to sleep. I don't hear him, but I could feel the heavy sobs falling out of his body in small, silent shudders. I held him close, his back pressed along my front with my chin tucked into his untamed hair. My hands rest against his chest, protecting his heart desperately and wanting nothing more than to take his pain from him.

My heart was in tatters. The look in Kareem's eyes has been heartbreaking. Despair. As though everything in his life had completely shattered into pieces. In a way, I guess, it had. I hugged him tightly, and buried my chin further into his hair, lips pressing a kiss onto the back of his head. I want nothing more in that moment to hold him in my arms forever, protect him from this callous world that had done nothing but hurt him. I have no idea how long we lay like that for, how long I spent willing the sadness out of him, but by the time I finally drift off, the sun is beginning to rise.

We'd relocated to my apartment for the night. Jem had been tasked with taking care of the dogs while I focused on Kareem.

By the time I woke up, Kareem was curled up and watching a movie on Netflix. Everything about him just screamed leave me alone so I respected his wishes and headed into the kitchen.

It didn't surprise me much to see Hendrix sat at my kitchen island, a cup of coffee in front of her as her eyes scanned over the spreadsheets I'd printed out last week.

Her gaze lifted when I shut the bedroom door, eyebrows raising as I just shook my head at her.

I headed towards the refrigerator, pulling out a bottle of water before throwing myself into the seat across from her. After a second, and a deep breath, I glanced over at Hendrix. "How are you doing?"

"Tired," Hendrix said with a small smile. "You?"

One word can carry a lot behind it.

"I'm okay, yeah." I nodded like I believed what I was saying. "I'm sorry that I haven't been working much. I'll ask Kezziah to come round tomorrow and I'll work tomorrow."

"Saint, it's fine. Honestly. Jem and Sacha are helping and you need time to take care of yourself as well as Kareem. Let me take this off your list of worries and just focus on you, okay?"

I was shaking my head before she even finished speaking, guilt clawing at my chest. "No, it's fine. I'm fine. I-"

It's what I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to be fine, I've always been fine. And Hendrix has been going through literal hell and heartbreak and she's been saying she'd be fine. She still needs a shoulder to lean on right now, and is not supposed to be taking care of me. I'm not helping anybody by getting upset right now but I can't seem to contain it.

I can't explain it, other than it's like everything is finally catching up to me all at once. Like a riverbank breaking and the water just rushing out. The truth about Aaliyah, having seen Emery, the look on Kareem's face when his entire world stopped, the nightmares waking him up at every hour of the night, everything.

It hit me all at once and it takes everything within me to not collapse.

Digging the heels of my palms into my eyes, as if I could physically push back the tears before Hendrix noticed.

"Saint?" Hendrix spoke up from beside me, sounding uncharacteristically uncertain. "He's going to be okay, you know?"

I nodded, "I know."

"Then why..." Hendrix started before trailing off. She never really knew how to cope with situations like these. I heard her shuffling and then I felt a hand in mine. I gripped it like it was a lifeline.

I don't trust my voice to offer an explanation of why I'm crying, or explain how it's not just about Kareem. Not really. I felt so selfish, crying about a situation that I couldn't possibly control and just wishing we could time travel two works prior to all of this. When things were different and the world wasn't holding us ransom.

"Sorry, Drix. I'm...I'm just a bit tired. But I'm fine. I am." I managed to pull my hands away from my face, wiping the tears away. Even I knew I didn't sound convincing.

I didn't know how to explain the barely sleeping. How I'd sit up and wait for Kareem to open his eyes. Watching him breathe because he was here with me and he was alive. Scared of his memories taunting him the same way Zepp's taunted him. How seeing him look so desolate and comatose felt like someone was taking a sledgehammer to my chest, clawing away at every inch of my lungs and rendering me breathless.

"You don't have to be strong all the time." Hendrix nudged my shoulder, hesitant but reassuring. "This is hard for you too, you know. You can lean on me - I'll be strong enough for the both of us."

At that moment, I was blatantly aware of how our roles were completely reversed just mere weeks ago. Hendrix leaned on me during one of the most difficult experiences of her life and I was fine being that strength for her. That realization doesn't make me feel any better now about breaking down here, wanting nothing more than to have held it together for just a few minutes longer, until I was completely alone. I could've avoided giving Hendrix another burden away from the bakery responsibilities.

"I know." I managed to force out. "Thank you. For always being here."

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." She reassured me softly. Her arm wrapped around my shoulders, tucking me into her side as her fingers combed through my hair. I breathed in her perfume, relaxing in the familiar scent that signified my best friend. Tired but hopeful that things wouldn't be heavy for too long.

Hendrix left not long after our chat. The apartment was completely silent, aside from the low humming of the television from my bedroom. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how I felt. Everything just seemed so much heavier than usual.

"I nearly lost my leg."

I spun around, cloth in hand as Kareem watched me from the doorway. He was leaning on the wall, hand fidgeting a little. The sunlight shimmering in through the window danced over his bare skin, the bronze hue of his body soft in the golden daylight.

"My leg, I mean." He blurted out, breaths heavy. "I know you've seen the scars."

My throat tightened as I nodded. It wasn't something I tended to pay a lot of attention to, and Kareem had never mentioned it so it wasn't my place to ask.

"During the ambush, we-we were surrounded. All of us. Lennon was strapped under our vehicle and Zepp and one of our other guys, Lee, were trying to get her out. We didn't know at that point she was already dead. Zepp had two bullets embedded in his torso and one in his arm and he was on the verge of passing out and he was just bleeding. He was so scared and he lay down next to me while we waited for the medics and told me about his daughter."

"Kare-"

"I want to tell you," He said, looking up. His teeth released his lower lip. "I want you to know these things about me. That they'll be bad and good days, that I have days where I wake up and I can't breathe and there's nothing I can do to make it better. Nightmares that rip me awake at every hour of the night. I watched my people die and I'm still here and I can't help but think that I shouldn't be."

"Kareem." My voice broke, emotions clogging up my windpipe.

"I was shot four times. Three in the upper leg and once in the torso. The bullets had embedded so deep within my bone that they didn't think they'd be able to get it out with the resources they had with them." He sighed, shaking his head as I watched helplessly as his eyes teared up. "You always flinch back when someone graphic comes on while we're watching Greys. Did you know that?"

Not being able to find the force to answer verbally, I shook my head.

"It doesn't bother me. Even though I know it's fake, it's graphic. Trauma victims and bombings and fire. I don't flinch back because I've already seen it before. I've seen bodies mangled, limbs lost. I watched kids be made into child soldiers and expected to sacrifice their lives for a rich man's war. I don't flinch back when I see it on a television screen because I've seen it right in front of me."

"I keep thinking about that little girl. It was her sixth birthday two weeks ago. Zepp sent me pictures of her blowing out her candles on her cake. She's six and her Dad's dead."

"It's going to rip her apart." I replied bluntly, "His pain might've stopped but hers has just started."

He tore his gaze away from mine.

"It's going to rip you apart, Kaz, but you will get through it." I said strongly, "You will fight and you will keep going because that's who you are. You're alive. You've been through so much pain and so much grief and yet you're still here. You've been through things that you thought would kill you before but you never stopped fighting, and you're not alone anymore." Taking a step forward, I let my lips tug up when his eyes shoot to mine. The green flecks in his brown eyes shone sadly. "You're not alone. You have me and Kezz. Hendrix, Sach, Bodhi, Isa. You're not alone. We've got you and we've got this - together. And I'm fucking proud of you for getting so far."

His face scrunched up as the tears spilled down his cheeks. He took a few steps forward until he was in my arms, body folding into my embrace as if he was built for it.

"I-" He managed to stammer out, making my heart race because a part of me felt like I knew what he was going to say. And I thought I knew that because I wanted to say it too.

Somehow, we ended up sitting on the couch in the living room. My hand carted through his hair, his arms circling my waist as we just clung to each other.

"Distract me," He mumbled, face hidden in my neck. "Please."

"What'd you first think when you saw me?" I asked Kareem, voicing a question that I'd wandered for a while. "That day in the bakery."

He sat up, pulling me closer towards him so this time it was me partially lying on him. His hand moved up to my head as if it was entirely natural.

"I thought you were beautiful." Kareem admitted, humming thoughtfully. His fingers ran through my hair, making my head burrow on his chest in satisfaction. "I wanted to know everything about you."

"Oh?" I murmured, running my fingers lightly over his bare skin. He shivered.

"I wanted to hold you, run my fingers through your hair, trace your tattoos with my fingers. I wanted to know everything." He repeated softly in a whisper, "I wanted to know what your favorite cake was. I wanted to ask you about what you studied? Your favorite flower? Your favorite song lyric and song and artist? Do you prefer summer or winter? Do you believe in aliens?" He trailed off with a light laugh, "I'd spent so long without even being attracted to another person that meeting you was like a breath of fresh air. I think it helped that you seemed just as flustered visibly as I was internally. I just remember wanting to know your world, the good and the bad parts alike."

Tears pricked my eyes as I exhaled deeply. God, I keep fucking crying. This overwhelming sea of happiness hit me full force because this is real. Kareem is real. I always thought I'd spend my life alone, that I'd tell a boyfriend the same thing I'd told Emery and he'd leave.

When I told Kareem, he hugged me and told me he wasn't going anywhere.

This was it for me.

"I studied Music and Business. My favorite flower is a lotus, but roses remind me of Hendrix which is why I've got a rose tattoo. My favorite song lyric is actually one I wrote with Sacha. Fallen's got an acoustic called 'Only The Brave' that we wrote. I don't know why it always stuck out to me but I really love the imagery. My favorite song at the moment is Medicine by The 1975, but Fleetwood Mac is undoubtedly my favorite artist. I prefer winter; hot chocolate and oversized hoodies are unbeatable. And of course I believe in aliens, I'm not an idiot.'

I pressed my lips to his brown skin, nuzzling my cheek against the warmth.

"And I'm in love with you."

Kareem tensed at my words and I almost attempted to take them back, the words tumbling out unexpectedly. I knew undeniably that they were true, there was never any doubt that I loved Kareem with every inch of my soul. He'd built me a home within a matter of months.

He'd made me forget why love even scared me in the first place. He taught me to love without conditions, without these everlasting fears that he'd get tired and leave. I never thought I'd find a love like this; I never thought that I deserved to.

"I love you. With everything in me." Kareem pulled me up into a slow kiss, cradling my cheek in his hand as I sighed happily into his mouth. "You're everything good in the world, Saint. You make everything worth it." He admitted quietly, placing soft kisses all over my face as I giggled.

"I know everything feels bad right now," I searched his eyes with mine, resting my cheek on his chest as I looked at him. "I know it feels like everything is too much and you're hurting. I'd do anything to make it better with you. I can't fix it all, Kaz, but I promise that you don't have to face any of this alone. I'll be here all the way. Me and you, yeah?"

"All the way." His eyes watered as he sent me a teary smile, nodding his head as he kissed the crown of my head. "I'm so sorry you've had to put up with all of this, with me."

"Don't you dare."

He pulled away from me slightly, a frown above his brows.

"Don't you dare apologize." I insisted, "I'm here. I'm here and there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I love you. I want to be with you. Whether you're having a good day or a bad day, I'm here and I'm not leaving."

The confident, protective version of him. The guilt-ridden, anxious soul. The kind. The angry. The loving. The soft, gentle side of him. All his faces, all his sides that he had to offer. I'm going to love all of them.

All of him.

Kareem looked at me, his eyes betraying the guilt he inevitably felt. I shook my head, sending him a gentle smile.

"It's okay to break." I said, slowly trailing my fingers up his bare arms, tracing the dark ink. "It's okay, K." I repeated. Because it is.

He shivered at my touch.

"I'm here. I'm not leaving. You've got me, okay?" I slipped my hand up further until I met the crook of his neck, tracing the tensed muscles. "We'll get through this, okay? Me and you."

"You and I." He rasped out, closing his eyes. He stayed rigidly still, breathing uneven.

"You're kinda stuck with me now, dude." I let out a small chuckle, "I don't ever want to lose you, to lose us. Meeting you, falling for you, loving you, has been the best part of my life."

If I thought he was tense before, it did nothing to describe the sudden contraction of every single muscle in his body.

His eyes opened. His irises darkened slightly as the usual gentle golden hue disappeared into his pupil. His eyes always held so much emotion, the doorway to his soul almost. They were the kind of eyes that you could sink into and get lost in, desperately searching for an escape to the labyrinth that you know deep down that you don't wish to leave.

"I love you, Kareem Murad. I love every part of you. The soldier. The guitarist. The bold, the brazen, and the beautiful. I've seen every part of you, good and bad, red and blue, and I adore it all."

For the longest moment, he was entirely still. Eyes capturing mine. Breathing slowed.

Until he fell.

Arms wrapped around my shoulders as our knees hit the floor. His head tucked into the crook of my neck. I promised myself at that very moment that I will continue to hold him until his pain fades, until the trauma submerges. Even if it comes back to haunt him, even if his demons come out. I will hold him. I will love him. Through it all.

Forever.

"I love you." He whispered, "Your smile, your laugh, your sarcastic remarks. I love how you think it's even remotely acceptable to call me dude, and how you put all of your love into everything you do. I love how I don't even doubt that you're beside me. That I can break apart and I know you'll be here waiting for me."

Euphoria coursed through me. Pure, unadulterated ecstasy. I've always known in my heart that he would be it for me.

I just wish someone would've told me on that very first day that this is the path that my journey will go down. This is my forever.

Pressing my lips to his temple, I let out a breath of surprise when he leans up and steals my lips with his own. Kissing me deeply, passionately. Putting every feeling that he cannot even begin to describe into his touch. Moulding our bodies together in a way that cannot be personified in any other manner.

"Me and you." I repeated after a few blissful seconds. Our foreheads now lean on each other. Breathing in sync. Unison.

"You and I." He repeated, my smile widening at the happiness lighting up his eyes. "Forever."

A/N:

thank you :)