twentyfive - healing

the art of healing ( i believe in you )

- - -

The bakery at the end of the block with blinking pastel signs and confectionery decorations covering the walls was the first place I'd ever visited in the City. The owner was the most beautiful and kindest woman I've ever met. The shop itself catered mostly to the local population and wannabe Instagram influencers who wanted to claim they were helping small businesses. I remember the first time I stepped through those doors, the bell ringing as if to commemorate what would be an unspoken agreement between six year old Saint and Dexter's Bakery. I fell in love with this place. Completely and madly.

Since I was a child, it's been my sanctuary. My safe place where we could pretend that our parents cared about our day, where we could pretend to be normal, because for those few hours spent here, we were.

We were.

I remember working here one day when Hendrix came skipping through the door. We'd already met in College and befriended one another but when I realised her connection to this place, it solidified the relationship immediately.

Hendrix was only 5'3, compared to my 5'11 self. But I remember shrinking under her gaze that day. A few tattoos stark against her warmly tanned skin. Her short hair, an artful mix of blue and black (A sharp contrast to her current pink strands), and her eyes. Hazel, and soft, and safe.

Dexter's might have made me feel like I had a normal family. But Dexter's helped me find my current family too.

It was still so surreal to think of how many things had changed from me being eighteen. I'd gone through college, gotten my degree, bought a bakery and fell in love. I thought I'd spend my entire life here and now I was planning to move to the opposite side of the States to pursue something I completely adored.

Last week, Sacha, Kareem, the boys and I went to LA. Kezziah had decided to stay back and register the adoptions papers so it was now official, and she could move out from the group home where she'd been situated.

Last week, both myself and the band signed our own contracts and were now officially represented by Midnight Records. We'd returned back to New York with the intention of packing our bags and leaving, moving into an already funded property while we worked on creating and recording the first album.

Our bags were packed. Hendrix had cried, and threw a chair at us, and then cried again. Jem had held themselves well before dissolving in a sea of tears and making me swear that I wouldn't forget them. We'd never really been apart before. We grew up together so this was going to be something completely new for us both.

Kezziah had confirmed her acceptance to UCLA and had already claimed the biggest room in the house. The boys had fought about it before Kareem levelled them all with a death glare worthy of scaring Hendrix.

We were ready to leave. Our lives had been packed up in boxes. Everything valuable that I owned put away as my world moved across the states.

Kareem's home was full of everything we owned. Bodhi and Isaiah had dropped their stuff off so we could keep it all in one place. I'd waved goodbye to the apartment that I'd lived in since I was nineteen, leaving my walls bare and my heart full because I knew I'd always be welcome back here. I knew deep down that this would always be where life started for me and, even though my home was moving along beside me, I knew a part of me would always remain here. This was me. Before Sacha moved out, before I met Kareem, before the band got signed; this was where my entire journey commenced.

These walls that had seen every part of me. From the good to the bad. The celebrations to the breakdowns. These walls had witnessed my complete downfall. The insecurity, the fear, the repetitive doubt circling my brain like sharks searching for something to prey upon.

"I used to think I'd spent my entire life alone."

The words slipped from my lips without my permission. Kareem froze as he sat across from me, three of my notebooks in his hand as we loaded them into the last box.

After a few moments, his eyes lifted to mine, eyebrows furrowed as if he was wondering where he'd heard me right.

"I'd accepted it, in all honesty. I had my family, I had my bakery, and I had my music. So, despite that acceptance, I was happy." I continued. His eyes drilled into mine, completely held into my grasp. My lips tugged up unconsciously as I thumbed over my most recent book. One sheet had been ripped out of it. One sheet that I'd ripped out myself and was still finding sanctuary between the pages. "And then you walked through that door. With that stupid leather jacket on and that shit-eating grin that made my entire world freeze."

I remember that black turtleneck, clinging to his body like a second skin. The leather jacket hanging over one of his arms. Sharp cheekbones, plump lips. The shiver that went over my skin as I first looked at him, soon followed by nerves.

Kareem had me from the moment he saw me.

"You came into my life and made me re-evaluate everything. You made me want more. You made me want to be better. You made me want better for myself."

He might have entranced me instantly but I grew to like him slowly.

"I guess you don't really understand how badly you've been treated until someone comes into your life and dismantles it all. Writing music, baking confectioneries, college, that's all I've ever done." Even through High School, it was always about finding safety in my writing. Emery tried to dismantle that and I could recognize that now. "Communication has never been my speciality. I don't know how to phrase how I feel without writing words on a sheet or coming up with an obscene name for a cake."

He smiled at me, probably recalling how I'd spent the past week worrying about how Hendrix would control the naming structure without me. I'd already written up a list of name suggestions divided by flavour and ingredients.

I knew I was rambling majorly by this point but I didn't care. I was glad that he was letting me speak, glad that he knew me so well that he was well aware that he knew I needed this. I needed to let this out, telling him exactly how I felt before it wasn't just us anymore.

"But I will say this. I fell in love with you relentlessly. You taught me what it was like to love without conditions. It feels really surreal to have this with someone, because I never thought I deserved a love so unconditional and pure. I love loving you, Kaz. I'm so thankful that you wandered into the shop that day, and I'm so thankful for every moment that I've spent with you since." My hand pulled at the sheet, releasing it from the pages. "So before I fuck this up even more, I'm just going to give you this."

His watering eyes moved from mine and to the sheet of paper that I was gripping in my right hand. His lip wobbled as he shakily reached out, taking it from me.

I've never been good with words. With phrasing my feelings in a way that didn't encapsulate a poem or a song.

So when I was trying to come to terms with how I was feeling, I wrote it down.

I wrote it all down.

The song title was scrawled brazenly along the top line, and it's the first thing his eyes capture.

The Art Of Falling For You

Kareem let out a little chuckle, so raspy but so gentle. That's when I knew that he needed this. He needed this love just as much as I do.

Because he's never had somebody to lean on before.

Before he joined the army, he survived alone. No family, no home team to have his back. Just him.

I wanted to be his family.

I wanted to give him the family that he's never had before.

I wanted to give Kezziah the home that she'll never feel the urge to run from.

I want them to be safe now. They'd truly earned it.

I found my little family in New York, which I thought was complete when Sacha rocked up that day. And then he met his band and it slowly but surely grew. As they became his brothers, they became mine too.

Jem. Hendrix. Sacha.

There was a time where that was enough for me.

I never realized that there were a couple of missing pieces.

But now we've got a home team. We've got people that'll be there through it all. Come hell and high water. Come a midnight drive to McDonalds when you need to cry.

Their happiness is your happiness, and their sadness is your sadness.

They're your family. Through it all.

To all of us, Kaz and Kezz - they were family.

For the majority of my life, I thought to be loved was to be in pain. Love has always been glorified, regardless of how healthy or unhealthy it is. Toxic relationships formulate fantasies, people glorify abuse and possessiveness and write it off as infatuation. People desire jealousy, they desire the possessiveness that rips their souls apart just to feel something other than this undiluted emptiness that the world fills us with. They crave the electricity buzzing through their skin, the thrill it brings them to edge closer to the broken lightbulb. Despite knowing that it's going to hurt, despite knowing that there's a chance that it could kill them. We crave the pain. We crave the thrill, hanging off the edge. The adrenaline rush. That's what love's always felt like to me, hanging off the edge of a string and just waiting for someone to cut the string, to break the lightbulb and for your entire world to come crashing down.

Honestly, tell me a story in which violence is not glorified? Tell me a story in which control is not seen as the norm? The Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, Harley Quinn and The Joker...And yet they're the relationships people want the most, and why?

So many people don't realize that we learn that this is normal. We learn acceptance, and silence, and to keep your mouth closed because nobody's listening. So we stay silent while we learn to love like we learn to pray.

On our knees, fingers interlocked, heads bowed. Smiling with a busted lip.

I never wanted to abide by the hype. Love never interested me because I watched what it did, I watched family members silenced and friends fall in love with those who hurt them the most. I set boundaries and I built walls so that nobody could ever reach the fragile pieces of my soul. But he came like a landslide and I let him decipher me. My boundaries vanish and I desperately hoped that he wouldn't shatter me. I allowed myself to fall, to trust that not all those who claim they love you will hurt you.

He hurt me more than I ever could have envisioned. I spent years of my life with Emery, trusted him with all parts of me and believed earnestly that he would love me for me.

And he tore it all apart, and left me hollow.

I'd given up. Love might not have been a hidden snake pit for abuse but it was dangerous, and it could destroy you more than anything else ever could. I could live without it. I had the bakery, I had Sacha, and Jem, and Drix. Depending on the thought that eventually I'd find the love of my life, and living with that in mind, was never in the plan.

And then I met Kaz. What a plot twist he was.

Someone who accepted me for me. Sarcastic remarks, and quick wit, and the endless supplies of confectionaries and experiments that often made my kitchen smell like random fruits.

I knew now that love wasn't anything like what it was shown to be. Toxic relationships, glorified abuse - none of that is love.

Love is butterflies and compliments. Love is picnic days and three sugars in your coffee and sunflowers. Love is having 'meri jaan' whispered to you in the gentle hues of the morning sun, and dinner dates with the family. Love isn't seamless. Sometimes it's disagreements and sleepless nights and holding each other until the pain fades away.

After everything that Kareem has been through, he deserved a soft epilogue. He's suffered enough.

We loaded the notebooks into the box, fastening it with tape.

We were done.

The song playing on the speaker system quickly shifted into something softer, something that reminded me of our early morning chats. My hand found his as we stood up, moving to the beat of the music softly.

"Emery was- He took something from me. I've always been soft, I guess. I've never been ashamed of it but he used that to his advantage. He took little pieces of me, pieces of my personality over time and I barely even noticed. He wanted me to be Emery's boyfriend and I let him mould me into what he wanted because I didn't know anything different. One day I was me, sarcastic and loud and kind, and then I was quiet unless I was being spoken to, going to Football matches every Friday, and agreeing with everything he said because I loved him. I loved him until I wasn't Saint anymore. I would've done anything for him, I did things that I didn't want for him, because he told me it'd make him happy. Then I stood up and told him who I was, who I really was, and he left." My shoulders dropped, eyes lifting to meet Kareem's. Every ounce of tension in my muscles dissipated as the corners of my lips lifted. "The worst part is that I would've gone back to him. If he came up to me five years ago and told me he still loved me, I would've been who he wanted me to be. I lost myself for a long time, K. I'd just gotten myself back and then we met. Meeting you was terrifying. I was so scared that I'd be put in that place again, so scared that I wasn't who you wanted. Then I got to know you slowly and I knew I was falling for you. I was finally me again but I was lying to you. You asked me to be your boyfriend and I couldn't pretend again; I had to put myself first. I love you more than I loved Emery. I think I'll always be scared that you'll do that to me, which I can't control. But I love you, and you make me really happy. I know now that his leaving wasn't my fault because you taught me differently. You stayed and you love me and you make me so indescribably happy. It's me and you, right?"

He nodded, eyes teary as he sent me a lopsided grin. "You and me."

I couldn't take my eyes off Kareem. As the soft music continued to flow around us, enveloping us in a soft blanket of a serene melody, I could only think that this was it for me. Kareem Murad had flown into my life, like an angel, and changed it all.

Kareem had been through hell and back. That was the most beautiful part of him; he was a man who wore his pain like a delicate bracelet against his wrist. Unyielding, discrete...but there. There. A subtle but small reminder of the hardships he'd faced, the reminder that above all else he is and always will be a survivor. Kareem Murad held his head up high, straightening his crown as he surged forward into the raging hellfire.

"So let's do it." I breathed out a laugh, "Let's go to LA. I want to watch you change the world. I want to watch you prove everyone who's ever doubted you wrong because you deserve it all, Kaz. You've got it all. Everything. My love, my life."

"Meri Jaan," He said so softly that it almost slipped from my grasp.

I smiled with a nod, "You'll never be alone again."

"Neither will you," He promised so simply. His hand rested on my cheek, thumb caressing my cheekbone as I relaxed into his touch. "Now that I've got you here, I don't ever want to picture my life without you in it. You make everything lighter."

"For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for something that set my soul on fire. Something so ruthlessly honest and raw and me." I leaned my forehead against Kareem's, "I thought I was trying to find myself when I decided to move into this city, rediscover my identity. Then I found Hendrix, and I thought it must've been her I was searching for. Even when I had her and Dexter's, I knew that something was missing, but I didn't know what it was."

"Searching aimlessly for some sense of understanding." Kareem ran his fingers through my hair. "I know the feeling."

I kissed him, light and soft. Kareem sank into it, leaning down slightly so I had better access to his mouth. It feels familiar now, but I couldn't tell you when that happened. I couldn't tell you when I started tilting my head higher so I could kiss him, or how I knew that scratching my nails lightly across the top of his neck made him relax completely. It didn't matter to me much when that happened, when our relationship was completely set in stone. All that mattered was that I knew these parts of his soul, I knew how to kiss him breathless and how to soothe him on a bad day.

"I found you." I murmured into his mouth, "I finally found my soulmate."

Kareem rested his head against my shoulder, swaying with me in a picture that looked so much like that morning all those months ago. It didn't matter that the early morning sun was now set, or that the starry sky was drowned out by the city of light. All that mattered was us. We could be in the middle of the roaring city life and I would still feel like we were the only people in the world right now.

It was hard to comprehend that I'd found my person, and I was now going to see the world with him. Our flight to LA was booked for tomorrow morning. Starr and King had already been taken to our temporary band home while Sacha decided to spend his last night in New York City with Hendrix.

Hendrix. The same person who spent all her time claiming she hated us all.

When it came to Hendrix and the bakery, deciding to leave with Kareem was the most difficult decision that I'd ever made. Not only was Kareem going to LA, but Sacha was too. I was the songwriter; we started this together. Leaving now wouldn't feel right and Hendrix understood that. I'd be handling the finance and paperwork aspect of the job from the West Coast while Hendrix stayed to deal with the Karen's of the world.

Jem had nearly finished their Master's, and was planning to travel to explore the history of the world. Personally, I thought that they just wanted to judge every other place on the planet but each to their own. They had sworn an oath to Hendrix to help out whenever they were home, which replaced Hendrix's suggested blood pact.

"Please don't leave, Angel." The words were quiet; only for me to hear.

Please don't leave.

"I'll always find you." I kissed his temple. "No matter where we go, I'll be right there beside you."

A flicker of hope.

He lifted his gaze to mine, a whirlwind of unspoken promises between us. We both knew that they didn't need to be said out loud.

I'd fallen for the boy with the sunflower soul and a heart of fire. The boy who made this entire world feel like home.

We swayed to the music, hand in hand. I wasn't scared, not even for a moment. Whatever was coming for us, whatever obstacles that we'd have to face, we'd keep going. Together.

To whatever end.

~ fin

thank you

A/N:

thank you for coming on this journey with me. i hope you fell in love with saint and kaz as much as i did.

epilogue will be out next week :)