Day In, Day Out

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Day Three - December 5, Wednesday

Dear Dad, why in some of the happiest moments in life bad thoughts creep in? I could be surrounded by tenderness, and adoration, and then bam my thoughts are congested with the worst possible ideas. Do you regret what you did? You not only ruined your marriage, but you lost your family. Do you sit up at night thinking about what you've brought upon yourself and how everyone's future will be affected?

Because I do. I don't know if I could ever forgive you and I know for a fact Dennis won't. You get to sit in a shit apartment by yourself and wonder how all of us are doing without you. I know you want us to forgive and love you again. A part of me wants that as well but whenever I look at you I see abuse. My love can't deteriorate overnight and I'm sure one day I may be able to see past it but.... for now, I think I just need time. You know you'll always be my dad, but besides that who are you?

When I was younger, I was always told to take every day one at a time. To take every situation on a case-by-case basis. Make sure I don't jump to conclusions and I should analyze everything. Have all the facts before making an opinion.

My grandmother told me that before she passed away. It makes me wonder if she lived by this creed. She told me to question everything and make my own opinions, but I never for a second questioned her. I never for a second questioned my dad. I believed everything he told me.

When I first heard of the separation, I immediately blamed my mother before I knew even two facts. I just assumed the worst of her and the best of my dad. I wonder if Granny would be proud of me today or if she would recoil in her grave if she knew how rash I could be. I don't even why I did it. Maybe subconsciously I've always been a daddy's girl and I wanted so badly to be on his side. For him to be.....

Now, I want to hate him. I want to... I know I do. For some reason I... I want... him to be what I remember. Well, I also do know that I want to get past yesterday, and the past couple of months. Let's just skip a couple of years in the future until all of this is fixed.

"Hey sweetie, I didn't know you were awake." My mom said wearing an apron and a mixing bowl in her hand.

Somehow, I wandered out of my brother's bed and ended up halfway down the staircase. I heard nothing beside my thoughts.

"Yeah, I was just taking a breather, did I wake you?" I enquired in a breathy tone I didn't realize I had until just then.

"Well, you know you aren't very good at being sneaky." I still don't think she realized that I snuck out a couple of nights ago but okay.

I said in that same breathy voice, "yeah," as I grabbed onto the railing. My mom gently held onto my waist.

"Are you feeling okay?" She always worried about me.

I shook my head 'yes' and sat down on the step. "If anything, I should be asking you that question. You have so much going on and you.... still, find the time to worry about me."

"If you and Dennis aren't okay then how could I be? You two are everything to me, absolutely everything." She said like any good mother would.

I sighed, "So I guess that's a full-size resounding no way. Is Denny even up yet or..."

She cut me off by sitting beside me. "Baby, I know this is hard on you and it's most likely not going to stop for a little while longer. But I need you to be strong during all this. We all need to be strong."

"Mom, how could you say that? I ...we just found out that the person we loved and looked up to is a tool. We can take a day or two to just be weak. I'm not up for the fake strength test." She started twiddling her fingers through my hair and didn't say anything.

I could hear her breathing start to shake, and she leaned her head against mine. "Today we can be weak, and then we will emerge stronger than ever."

We sat there for a little while, it was quiet, but I could tell we were both consumed with thoughts. "Mom, I want to know more. I feel like until I do my opinion will always be skewed to one side or another. I can't keep going like this."

She took a deep breath and turned her body to face me. "I don't know where to start baby."

"Okay, I'll ask you a question and you can answer it to the best of your ability." She held onto both sides of my face and looked me in the eyes before saying, "Whatever you need."

I was afraid my entire childhood was a lie. That nothing I knew about my dad was true. "Was it ever good? Was I crazy for thinking you two were happy, and I just didn't see?"

"Your father will always be the love of my life but love changes. Nothing ever stays the same forever. I met him when I was so young, and I didn't know anything about love. He opened my eyes to possibilities I couldn't dream of. But, over time the passion and the excitement turned into.... something different. The love didn't stop, but the type of love did." It was an explanation I didn't quite understand, but I kept listening.

She paused, sighed, and closed her eyes for a moment before continuing. "We were happy. Small moments watching you and Dennis playing in the snow, laying on our bed just talking, baking cookies last minute for your end-of-school party. Even when times were bad... the love was still there."

I interjected, "How bad was bad? Like, I don't need every detail but on a scale from 1-10, if that's even possible."

"Um, throughout the relationship I could see him in a different light." She paused almost every word and I could tell she was trying to phrase things carefully.

Her voice was shaky. "Red flags you could say. Violent streaks where he would never touch me but would break things and yell in my face before turning around and apologizing like he just couldn't control himself."

It was like she was in a trance as she spoke. "The moments were few and far between, but when they happened... they happened within every part of him. He would shift his feet awkwardly and then shake slightly and I knew. Well, I couldn't predict what he would do-"

I cut her off by saying, "But you knew something would happen in the bad spectrum."

She nodded and dipped her head in her lap. Jerking, she wept, "He was- is a good man and a wonderful father who loves you both so much."

I disagreed. "A good man loves his partner as well as his children. If he treats you like crap then it sprinkles down to the rest of us."

"I don't doubt in my mind that he will always love us- all of us," she sniffled.

My ears were confused with what they were hearing. "Will you? Always love him, I mean? How could you?"

"After the first time he grabbed me and bruised my wrist I told him if it happened again, he wouldn't have an opportunity to make it to a second. I lied. It was a year from the first and then after that, the periods in between got shorter. I never felt unsafe around him until the last time, and I won't go into specifics but-"

She sighed again, "Yes, I will always love him. I can't get past what he did and what I believe he's willing to do now, but... yes, I will always love him."

"I just have so many thoughts Mom, uh." I took a moment to collect them.

Taking a deep breath, I said, "How am I supposed to feel? My whole life I had one pure thought of him and now it's tainted. And, it's not like I found out he gambled away the mortgage or started drinking. I came to the realization that he wasn't perfect for the first time. He was.... he is violent and hurt the person I love with everything in me. Do you want me to hate him, love him, or... get over it? How am I supposed to feel?"

My breathing quickened, and the words were spewing out of my mouth like a broken faucet. Water was spilling over uncontrollably and I could not stop.

"Every day I lived a lie and you did, and he did. What, what am I going to do? I don't know if I can live like this." It felt like I could yank my hair off in frustration.

My mom wrapped her arms around my head and pulled me onto her shoulder. "Hush, deep breaths. It'll be okay, alright."

I was still mumbling on her shoulder, as she caressed my hair and kissed my head.

* Awwww, this one was so sad for me to reread.

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