I Can't Have You

*Nehru (Neo) Zhao*

After what felt like ten hours of willing myself into numbness, World History ended. I waited until everyone else left class before I got up to avoid a swarm of people seeing my red solo cup-esque face.

"Miss Johnston, may I speak with you for a moment?" My mouth gaped open, "Uh, yes ma'am."

I walked over to her desk without making direct eye contact as she clarified, "I heard about your incident the other day and wanted to make sure you were alright."

I pushed my hair into my face and tried to sound like I hadn't been softly crying all class. "Um, I think I'd feel better if people stopped asking me that, really. I'm sorry, it makes me feel I'm a bomb or something and if people don't constantly check on me, I'll explode. I'm fine, truly."

She looked up at me with concern, "Sweetheart, if you need anything or just want someone to talk to, I'm available third block or after school."

I nodded, "Thanks Ms. Garrison, goodbye." And I darted out of there.

My person shifted through the hallway as anticipation built for my next class. I was dreading third block the most because I had that class alone with Jay. However, the fourth was my second class with Liv. So... it was really a toss-up up to which one I was looking forward to least.

I sat at the front of the class by the teacher, because I knew that ever since Jay got his new friend group, they sat in the back and pretended to be idiots.

He wouldn't sit away from them because that would be suspicious. If he tried to talk to me about anything of substance, the teacher would stop him. We made instant eye contact when he walked in and I could tell that my plan had worked. I could avoid him for a little while longer, but not forever.

Sometime in the middle of class, he got up to ask the teacher if he could be excused to the restroom. He dropped a note on my desk like he used to do when we were kids.

A part of me wanted to crumble it up and throw it at him, but I restrained myself. A feeling in my chest told me that he had his eyes glued on me the entire class. From the second he walked into class I could tell all his attention was on me.

I stroked the folded piece of paper with my thumb for a few minutes. I played with the edges, teasing myself with wonder over the contents of the note.

When he walked back in I took notice of how long it was since I had a staring contest with paper. His face sank when he walked past me and saw that the note wasn't opened.

A sigh escaped my lips, and I finally took the note in both of my hands. I unfolded the paper one time, but not fully to where the contents were revealed. I put it back down on the desk and ran my fingers over the new area that was opened to me. I could see words through the paper, but I couldn't make out what it said.

My head tilted back and then forward again noticeably. The paper was back in my hands and I tilted my head back again before I opened it.

When I looked back down, I saw three little words, 'Meet at lunch.'

Avoiding someone you had so much history with was extremely difficult. So much so that despite my best wishes, I would turn around in hopes of catching a glance at him. Every time I did so, he shyly smiled at me. He even awkwardly waved at me once.

When the bell rang, I didn't look around because I knew I would immediately spot him. I bolted out of the door a second before the bell started ringing. I could spot that kid from a mile away. The lunch line grew long in the time that it took me to get over there.

While waiting, I thought about what Liv said. Now, would probably be a perfect time for her to bounce herself towards me to discuss our agreement. I didn't know if she wanted to torture me or force me to cease all contact with Jay. Whatever game she was playing I was sick of it.

If it were the latter, she wouldn't even have to blackmail me into doing that. I didn't think I would be able to get a word out anyhow.

As I got my plate and headed outside to eat I heard Brian's voice, "Daya!" He gestured towards me to sit with him and a few other people at the table. I obliged being that it would be easier to evade Jay and Liv if others were around.

I sat beside him and stated, "Hi, again."

"Hey," he spoke, and we looked at each other just smiling for a few seconds.

"Um. These are a few friends of mine Banks, Piper, Celia, Mark, and Neo," he pointed them all out.

Celia interjected, "Yeah, I've seen you before, we have the fourth block."

"Yeah, it's nice to meet you all or see... you again." I was trying so hard to not be awkward but I didn't have a choice. All I could do was try to contain my shaking.

"It definitely is, I haven't seen B act this way around a girl in a while," Neo boasted with a smug look on his face before Brian elbowed him in the side. "I'm messing with you two," Neo chortled.

"Yo, B told us that he didn't even tell you his name when you first met. You talk to a girl for 20 minutes and forget to ask for her name, B. I thought we taught you better than that. Shaking my head," then Neo literally shook his head.

I started eating slowly and barely looked up at anyone.

"Neo doesn't know when to shut up sometimes," Piper smiled throwing her arms around his shoulders.

"You love that about me, baby," he proclaimed kissing her with potato soup still in his mouth. It made me smile even though it was kind of gross.

I thought Brian noticed my shakiness so I quickly said something to conceal it.

"Are all of you on the basketball team as well?" Banks looked over at me while taking a swig of his drink. After wiping his lip, he added, "Yeah, we all are minus the beautiful women at this table. We just decided its cooler to not wear the team jackets everywhere we go."

Brian popped his collar, "Sure bro, I paid money for this thing and I'm going to wear it." I bit my lip and giggled at their interaction.

My heart was pounding in my chest, and I could barely bring myself to speak. I clung to Brian, feeling his warmth and comfort as I snuggled up to him.

Banks and Piper sat across from us, their presence both intimidating and intriguing. Banks, with his dark hair falling into his blue eyes, had a mischievous glint that made me feel even more self-conscious.

As we settled into our seats, I noticed Banks looking at me. It made me notice him too. "Banks, I think I literally ran into you the other day." We had a brief, yet awkward conversation in the hall.

"You can run into me whenever you like," he smirked before chuckling. The awkwardness was oozing off me from his annoying remark.

Banks leaned forward, his eyes locking onto mine. "So, Daya," he said with a playful smirk, "how long have you and Brian been... close?" His tone was suggestive, and I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment. I couldn't find the words to respond, so I just hid behind Brian, hoping the moment would pass quickly.

Piper, noticing my discomfort, placed her arm on Banks' shoulder and exchanged a knowing look with him. "This is going to be fun," she said, her voice filled with amusement. They both seemed to enjoy my awkwardness, which only made me feel more exposed.

Brian, sensing my unease, turned to Piper with a gentle but firm tone. "Lay off her," he said, his protective nature shining through. He then kissed the top of my head, his lips soft and reassuring.

"It's okay, Daya," he whispered, trying to make me feel better.

Brian occasionally squeezed my hand under the table to remind me that I wasn't alone. Despite my initial nervousness, I began to see glimpses of the fun and camaraderie that lay ahead with this new group of friends.

They carried on as if it was what they did every day with my interjecting into the conversation and them pulling me in when I had trouble. Everyone seemed cool and I felt like I was fitting into the group as well as I could.

Then it felt like a storm cloud came over me like a dark shadow.

"Hey Day, can we talk?" Jay broke into the conversation as he stood behind me.

My eyes opened wide and I made eye contact with Banks. He looked concerned as he warned, "I don't think she wants to do that man."

Jay put his hand on my shoulder, "She's my friend dude, please Day." I shook my head no and tried to avoid all eye contact from everyone.

"The lady said no," Brian scowled, and Banks stood up.

"Look, guys, this has nothing to do with any of you. Daya, just give me five minutes." Jay pleaded.

My breath quickened and I felt like I could start crying again.

"You should go," Banks ordered as he walked over to us and moved Jay's hand from my shoulder. Looking between them, I could see that Banks towered over him and seemed unmovable in his stance.

"Dude, sit down," Mark was trying to deescalate the situation.

"Go now," Banks retaliated with his jokey tone completely evaporated.

I was surprised at Jay's reaction. "I'm not. It's important," Jay said, and I could hear it in his voice that he was taken back, yet he stood his ground. For once in his life, he didn't back down. I stood up between them before things could go any further, "You got five minutes."

I felt Banks' hand graze my shoulder and I gave him a look that tried to say, 'I'd be alright.'

Jay and I walked outside to the bench we frequented before everything happened.

"I like your new friends, they seem only mildly threatening," he cringed and sat down.

"You got five minutes and that's what you want to talk about?" I was still standing up even though he patted the wood beside him.

"Um, Liv said she and you talked his morning. I'm so sorry. I wanted to talk to you first." He twiddled his thumbs.

I crossed my arms, "You have the opportunity now."

"Neither of us wanted for you to see that, especially me," he pled.

"You've said that already. Jay, you lied to me," tears were threatening my eyes. "I trusted you and you betrayed me. I thought you loved me," I spoke barely above a whisper.

He quavered. Then he stood back up and moved closer to me. I took a step back. "I do love you. Where's the lie there? Everything is just confusing for me right now."

"For you. You don't think I'm confused? You told me you loved me, you tried to kiss me, you wrapped your arms around me all night, and then fucked her in the same bed! That's the confusing part," I yelled as I punched my fist into my other hand.

I tried to compose myself. "You saw me exposed and vulnerable, yet you still hurt me that way. How could I forgive you for that?" I wanted to punch him and cry into his shoulder at the same time.

"I'm so sorry that happened and that you saw, Daya. But she's my girlfriend. Am I not allowed to be happy?" His voice softened and so did his stance.

"She makes you happy? I find that hard to believe. All she does is tell you what to do and you jump at her beck and call." I could see in his entire body that he wasn't overjoyed to hear that.

Jay sighed, "I was tired of being alone, waiting on something that was never going to come."

"So you left me alone. At a time when I needed you more than ever. My dad had just left me and I had to get back on my medication! You just walked out on me because she gave the order!" Anger was raging inside of me. What type of excuse is that?

"God, can you do anything for yourself? You're so passive and you've always been! She's horrible to me and you never stand up for me! I can only imagine how she treats you behind closed doors!" His eyes were becoming gradually misty as he heard my honest feelings.

The shake of his head showed me that he disagreed. "She's not the devil. And it's about you and me, not her. I know what I did and I'm sorry," I could see tears falling from his face. He wasn't much of a crier.

He sighed and wiped the loose tears from his face. "I wasn't thinking. Not even about her. I just wanted sex and she was there."

I scoffed, "So, it's not even Olivia that's the problem. It's you! Any girl would have been good enough then!"

"Well, I can't have you!" He yelled as I stood there in shock.

We both paused. Everything got so quiet I could hear both of our hearts beating.

"What?" I questioned in a breathy resonance. He didn't say a word as he sat back down with a plop.

"What do you mean, Jay?" I asked with anger and astonishment in the back of my throat.

My head was spinning at his confession. "It... I... ur... it would be weird. I mean, I tried for years to tell you how I felt. You never seemed interested. And if we did do anything our friendship would be in jeopardy. I didn't think you would think it was worth it. Or me for that matter."

I sat down beside him as tears fell down my face, "Tell me now."

"What?" He was avoiding my gaze.

My frustration was evident. "Tell me how you feel or felt."

He ran his fingers through his hair. "Um, it might last longer than five minutes. It might last longer than the rest of lunch."

I said, "I want to know everything."

"Daya," he smiled to himself.

"Do you remember the day we met? It was the first day that I moved in with my adoptive parents. We were babies?" I nodded. It was crazy how long we had been in each other's life.

He looked deeply into my eyes. "I was too young to realize what was happening but still terrified. Then I saw you. With your little pigtails running and jumping around in the snow with your parents. It was one of the first times I saw a truly happy family. You gave me hope for the first time in a while and I hadn't even spoken to you yet."

I chuckled a little, "How could I ever forget that? Mr. Daralus walked you over to my house and introduced you to everyone. The newest member of the Daralus family. You were adorable and so... so nervous."

I couldn't help but laugh at the story. "Yeah, I was. Before we walked over there I just watched you from the window. He had to pull me out of the house because I was so scared to talk to you."

"Daya, since the second I first saw you I have felt... so much love for you," he looked past my eyes and into the depths of my soul.

"You're the most amazing human I've ever met. You get my humor. You have so much compassion and forgiveness in your heart that I couldn't even explain it. You make me want to be better and when we're apart all I want is to be back with you. And it shouldn't be that way." That was the moment when my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach.

He proceeded, "We spent almost all of our time together. We had no friends outside of each other. That's one of the reasons why I started dating. I needed to separate myself from you. Every time we're together, I fall more and more in love with you and I feel nothing on your end. At least nothing that was sure."

I interjected, "I know we didn't have the healthiest relationship ever, but you were enough for me. I thought I was enough for you too," I tried to really think about what he was saying before I spoke.

"I want more. I thought that if I threw myself into Liv it would help me move on. Because Daya, I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much. But I've missed you like crazy. And you know I don't talk like this usually, so I put a lot of thought into what I'm saying. This is so... so important to me."

Our faces were so close together I could feel his cold breath on my cheek. His eyes were going back and forth between my olive eyes and red lips.

"I love you and I don't want to lose you. I can't." He put his hand on my cheek and I closed my eyes softly, leaning into his touch. With the snow falling and everything being out in the open, I honestly thought maybe this would be the time for us to finally.....

But he said, "Daya I -"

"Jayson, where are you?" We heard Liv yell as she tapped her heeled boots through the quad. He jumped up and took a few steps away from the bench and more importantly me.

Jay turned in the direction of her voice, "I'm over here." When he turned back around all he could see was the blur of me running away.

"God, I've been looking for you. Have you been out here this whole time?" That was the last thing I heard as the door closed behind me.

When I walked back in, I saw Brian and Banks stand up from the table they were sitting at. I considered going back to sit with them before I walked toward the direction of the bathroom.

* Whew, that was intense!

Can you see things from Jay's point of view?

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