How Do You Feel About Love?

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After a while of talking with just audio, he suggested we switch to Facetime so he could see my pretty face. "This is the first night I've slept by myself in a while," I thought aloud.

He smirked, "I could keep you company."

"You better mean over the phone," I joked. "My mom would freak out if she walked in and you were here," I giggled. "I have to admit though, it would be nice to talk to you, see you, and hold you again," I swung my feet in the air.

Hastily, he said, "I would like that too. I'm on my way."

I exclaimed, "No, no, stay put," with a blush on my face.

He chuckled, "You just said you wanted me there. You're sending mixed signals, Day."

I pointed at myself, "We don't always get what we want, Ollie."

"What do you want, Daya?" He said in a breathy tone.

I bit my lip, "I want you... to stop with the sexual innuendoes. I hear them loud and clear." I poked at him through the phone.

"It comes with my personality. The one you love, remember. Yesterday, that wasn't your first kiss was it?" He cheekily puckered his lips as if he was smoldering.

I smiled, "No, sadly. It was much better than my first kiss."

He looked flushed, "I wouldn't have believed you if you said anything else. You're way too good at it for that to be your first kiss." I leaned back into my pillows.

I waved my hand, "You should feel lucky that it wasn't. I still get cringe attacks over it."

"It couldn't have been that bad," he chuckled.

"Yes it could, and it was. He never reached out to me after that. Broke my little heart," I clutched my chest.

"Who was he and do I have to be worried?" He pushed his eyebrows together.

I rolled my eyes, "Timothy Wellgreen," it embarrassed me to say.

A surprised look graced his face, "Really, I could never see you with that guy."

"My type has changed tremendously over the years, but he was very sweet and nice on the eyes at the time," I defended my past crush.

He chuckled, "Didn't he drop out and become a drug dealer?"

I gasped, "No, that was Timothy Clarke. Timothy Wellgreen moved away and took my heart with him. We were going to get married. I already had colors picked out and everything and my kiss ruined it."

"Was it really that bad of a kiss," he laughed.

I thought back on it, "It was a good-bye kiss, a few days before he moved away."

He chuckled again, dismissively. "Hey, he's going to come back and be big competition for you," I responded.

"Oh, I am terrified of that scrawny kid," he rolled his eyes.

"He left years ago. He may have two hundred pounds of pure muscle. You never know," I teased.

He pointed at me, "You weigh more than him."

I smiled in contempt. "Thank you, for not hating me. I thought you may have been really upset with me."

He brought himself closer to the camera, "Was that your first love?"

I bounced my head to the side, "Hitting me with the hard questions, huh?"

"I'm just curious," he casually spoke. "You fascinate me."

"In that case, he was definitely not my first love. I don't know if I've ever really been in love. I've loved but I don't know if it was even romantic or reciprocated." I sighed thinking back on what happened with Jay earlier that day.

"That's kind of sad. Is that little comment about Jake?" As much as I've talked about him I knew he was aware of Jay's name but it did make me grin.

I giggled, "Haha, his name is Jay. And yes, it's about him. Besides Timothy Wellgreen, he's been it for me. That's all I've ever known and it probably was the closest I've ever had to romantic love."

Then I turned it around on him. "What about you? Have you ever been in love?"

"Once, but that's a long and embarrassing story," he said dismissively.

Countering his claim, I announced, "I have time. Was it with Celia?"

"Boundaries Daya," he joked. "No, I wanted to be in love with her but I just wasn't. I couldn't force it."

"How do you feel about love, Banks?" I asked with genuine curiosity.

"Is this going to go on your pros and cons list? If so, I don't consent to that." I smiled but I knew he was trying to get out of the conversation again.

I squinted my eyes, "It could, depends on what you say."

"So, this is important questioning. Okay, I think it's a myth," he said in a squeaky voice.

I huffed, "Seriously, I'm questioning everything I thought I knew with these revelations about my parents. How do you feel about it?"

He sighed, "I don't think I've ever seen it. Romantic love at least. I see family love whenever I look into those two little boys' eyes. You know, I've never seen my parents in love and I don't know many happily married people. It ends in either divorce or resentment. I believe in the idea of love, but I don't know if it's sustainable. Piper and Neo are about the closest thing I've ever seen of it. And they're both a little crazy."

I leaned over and turned my lamp off, "Do you really feel that way?"

I looked down at the phone with sadness as he continued, "Yeah, I hope whenever I fall in love it lasts forever, but I don't think that'll ever happen."

Speaking to the both of us, I replied, "You will find love. It's depressing to think you never will."

He half-laughed, "I meant I don't think the love will last forever."

I pressed my head against my covers, "Duh, I'll catch on eventually." I paused, "Have you ever been in love before?" That was the perfect opportunity to actually get the story on Celia or even this Taryn person Dennis mentioned.

"Once," he answered quickly. "I think it was."

"Do I k-know her," I stuttered.

He moved around awkwardly, "She goes to school with us. And no, it's not Celia or Piper."

I interjected, "It isn't Liv is it?" I held my breath.

"No," he drawled. "It will never be her."

I exhaled, "Good, who is she and do I need to worry about her?" I recited what he said previously.

"If you aren't the jealous type, then no." I rolled onto my back and looked up at the ceiling.

Curiously, I finally got the guts to inquire, "You keep mentioning this unnamed ex-girlfriend and I'm on the edge of my seat. Tell me who this mystery woman is."

**Taryn Hayes**

He chuckled, "Her name is Taryn. Ever heard of that name?"

I placed my hand over my stomach. "The name sounds familiar." I tried to play it off as if Dennis hadn't just told me to ask about her.

"She's one of Michy's friends, her best friend actually. She is on the girls' basketball team," he smiled at just the thought of her I assumed.

I stammered, "How do you know you loved her?"

"I guess I don't. I just know that it broke me when it ended." His face contorte. It appeared as if his repressed memories of her came back to the forefront.

"How long did it last and when did it end?" Before, I didn't want to pry into his life but that night the anticipation was eating me up inside.

He tried to keep his voice steady but I could tell it was starting to get to him. "We dated for in the ninth and tenth grade and it ended almost two years ago, maybe a year and a half."

I nodded, "Is that why you couldn't commit to Celia?" I turned my head to look at the phone beside me.

"I may have pushed myself into someone else too soon afterward. And Cece was very persistent. I felt like I grew up with Taryn. I knew her since the beginning of middle school, and it took me by surprise when she left me." It felt like I was getting the shortened version of the story.

"Why would anyone leave you?" I breathlessly said.

His movements and words were antsy, "Well, she said it was because she didn't want to be tied down by the confines of a relationship and that she wanted to explore her sexuality. She has a girlfriend now and they've been together for a while. Which I believe is true, but that wasn't the only reason."

"I was obsessed with her. She's the reason why am I the way I am. I joined the basketball team because she was on the girls' basketball team. I wanted to be around her all the time. I want to quit now because its difficult seeing her all the time." Honestly, I couldn't believe he was telling me that but I wouldn't dare interrupt him. If I did that, maybe he wouldn't start again.

He blinked his eyes frantically, "Before I met her, I was that wimpy little kid no one liked. I got picked on and the only friend I had was Serrano. Then, I was blessed by puberty and girls started to take an interest in me. But I only had eyes for her."

I couldn't take my eyes off the pure emotion that was displayed in front of me. "When I found out she liked me back, it was the best day of my young life. She picked me out of the crop and I was her little project. JROTC wasn't the only reason why I stopped going by Oliver. Taryn told me that Banks sounded cooler and that a name change, shaggy hair, dressing down, and the too-cool-for-school attitude would make me more appealing. And hey, it worked! Oliver was the name of a little bitch that died in the ninth grade and Banks was born."

"After she left me, I didn't know what to do. Except try to make her jealous so that she'd want me back. So, I started dating Celia. And when Taryn didn't care about that, I tried any girl that would let me. And even though I'm not trying to do that with you... I'm worried that old habits die hard and I'll hurt you without trying to because it's my nature," he shrugged.

In my head, I thought he could dismantle me any day of the week if he wanted to. But I said, "Why do you think you're going to ruin me?"

"I've done it before.... with Celia among others. With Taryn, I was crazy, head over heels in love with her. Then she dumped me and I couldn't figure out why, but I knew it wasn't just about her liking girls. I was so insanely in love that if she wanted to, I would've had an open relationship with her, anything to keep her," he looked away from me.

I clenched my feet together in worry as he started to speak again. "After that, right after that, I noticed Celia flirting with me. All I knew was that she was my best friend's girlfriend who had a crush on me. I needed a rebound and she was unwittingly exactly what I thought I wanted. It wasn't important to me whether or not she was happy. My motives were completely selfish and I used her because it was convenient for me."

"Then, I got to know her and I truly started to like her. She didn't deserve what I was doing so I broke it off a little while later. I didn't want her to be all invested in me or string her along any longer. She wanted a relationship, she wanted me to love her the way she loved me and I couldn't give her that." It concerned me that he was putting so much blame on himself for the relationship not working out.

"Maybe under different circumstances, we could have been something real. But I wasn't ready. And even though I didn't want to, I still broke Celia's heart the same way I got mine broken. She had no clue why and she did nothing wrong. I'm the one who fucked up. She didn't deserve any of it. I don't want to do that to anyone else, especially you," he slowed down his words and shook his head like he had already given up on himself.

"I don't know. When I look back on it, I realize I could have been a better boyfriend. I was so young though, I didn't know how to treat her. Taryn had so many expectations that she wanted out of a boyfriend: anniversaries, dates, and looking good for other people. I did all of that, but I wasn't her forever. I just wanted her to love me as much as I loved her," he breathed as if he was going to continue but halted.

I pushed my lips to one side of my face, "Do you still love her?"

"I'm over it now. I'm going on a trip down memory lane, though. I don't still love her," he said as if those words hurt coming out of his mouth. I could see through the grainy screen that he wasn't entirely sure of that.

"I can be with someone else now. I want to. I wish I could see your face," I played with my fingers. I felt my chest rise and fall underneath my hands.

"Is it hard to see her?" It dawned on me that she goes to school with us and he probably sees her every day. She was at the basketball game I went to earlier that week.

I could tell he was tired of talking about it but kept going for me. "Sometimes, but not as much as it used to. She looks happy with her girlfriend and I have to remind myself that her happiness has nothing to do with me. That's the real kicker. I'm pretty sure she cheated on me with her. We hooked up randomly a few months back, and after that, I decided to stop having sex period. I wanted it to mean everything that it did back then, but all the pieces didn't connect. It was more like a huge question mark than the rekindling that I wanted it to be."

My lips were slightly parted, "Why did you want that?"

"I don't want her back now, but I wanted answers," he clarified. "One day we were so in love and the next she was fucking someone else. It was like, no matter how much I tried, I wasn't good enough for her."

"You are good enough. Don't doubt yourself that way. You have so much to offer," I sputtered.

He didn't acknowledge my statement. "I never got the answers that I wanted. Hooking up didn't change anything that happened. She still didn't want me. She cheated on me with her girlfriend and cheated on her girlfriend with me."

Holding nothing back, I exclaimed, "Did you expect one night to change all that?"

"One night provoked her decision to exit the relationship. But you're right. I was stupid to think that it would," he believed.

"You were hopeful. That isn't a stupid reaction, Banks. Now, that you've experienced that you can have so much more now. You can be that better boyfriend that you wanted to be for Taryn. Anyone would be lucky to have you," I laid down on my side and ran my thumb over the phone like it was his face.

"I feel that way about you. You can do better than me. I still believe that." I could hear his covers rustling around as he masked his tears.

I shook my head, "We can do better for each other. Don't hang up, okay."

"Stay on the phone? You must really like the sound of my voice," he was joking again. Good sign.

Chuckling, I cooed, "I want to hear that voice talk to me all night long."

"I wasn't planning on going anywhere anyway," he softly said.

I don't know how long we stayed on the phone that night, but it was well into the morning before I fell asleep. I think I fell asleep first again, but it didn't matter.

At about four in the next morning, I awoke. My eyes took notice of the phone beside me and though no sound was coming from it, I smiled. He had hung up, but his lingering presence brought joy to my heart. I started the day with him, and I ended it just the same.

*I'm sad, this is the end of Day Six. We only have one day left and it's a crazy conclusion!

I pose the title of this chapter as my question to y'all. How do you feel about love? Do you share Banks' sentiment?

How do you feel about his backstory with Taryn?

Please remember to follow, comment, and share! Until next time!*