xxix

my head rested on his left shoulder. my legs hung around his waist on the other side of the swing.

the sun was invisible but it still managed to light up the surroundings. the sky displayed a diffused stratification of nature's favourite shades of pink, red and orange.

a distant sound of children was zoned out by some chords playing on his phone through his jeans pocket. my hands were holding the chains supporting the swing. his hands held my back. my toes touched the sand that was slowly losing its evening warmth.

" do you want to kiss me right now? " it took me about a minute to realise that it was my voice. dusk. it was the dusk. dusk had something on me. now i had to face this.

i lifted my head and looked into his eyes. his eyes. the dusk. i could count 57 patterns in which i could wreck myself. for the sun. for this boy. not in this particular order.

" do you want to kiss me right now? " i asked again. this time to his eyes. no. you pushed him when he tried. boys don't want to kiss you when you push them. not after you push them twice.

" do you want me to? " the dusk. his eyes. his voice. maybe i could count 58.

yes. i so wanted him to kiss me. before the colours in the sky were gone. why would he even ask? because boys certainly don't want to kiss you after you push them twice. without giving them reasons.

but they also don't let you sit on their thighs and swing the same swing, do they?

" when i let you kiss me this time - "

" if. "

" what? "

" if you let me kiss you this time. " there. he said that. with all the smoothness in his voice while looking straight into my eyes. it hurt me. it must have hurt him too then. take it. swallow it. you caused it. you know that.

" well. " the sand was getting colder. " if i let you kiss me this time. do you promise that you will not stop even when i push you? "

" do you want me to do that? "

" yes. "

" okay. " he didn't seem convinced. he was not going to do it. but i did want him to kiss me before the colours in the sky were gone. before the sand was absolutely cold.

" do you also promise that you will not stop even when i start crying in the middle of it? " because i always do. in the middle of everything. everything pretty.

" sure. if you want me to do so. " he seemed even less convinced. he was not going to do it. i was not going to do it either. let him kiss me.

" do you promise that you will kiss me even harder then? " say no. say no and we will move and i won't have to push you again.

" yes. " no. say no and we will be done. the sky is getting darker.

" do you promise that you will hold me through it? " say no.

" yes. "

" do you promise - "

" you're not going to do it, are you? " but the sand has forgotten that the sun ever caressed her. it is cold. " you're not going to let me kiss you. " and the sky is all black.

" kiss me. " and kiss me he did. with all the love that he had in him.

why? why? the sky is black. the sand is cold. what's the point? stop. hurt him now. hurt him before it is too late. push. you are going to push anyway. push him now.

i did push him. and he did what he had promised. kissed me harder.

the neutral series light wrapped around the swing chains lit up. followed by the pink series light around the seesaw and then over the slides. the sky was black. but we were lit. like christmas. and he held me through it. and i kissed him back. and then there was a gentle warmth.

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