xxxvi

મીઠપ રાંધો હરખ રાંધો, વ્હાલપની કોઈ પરબ બાંધો

ખલકમાં ખીલ્યું રે નમણું ફૂલ

ચાંદો લાવો સૂરજ લાવો, એમાંથી ઘુઘરીયું રે ઘડાવો

જાણું છું મોંઘેરા એના મુલ

અખંડ રહેજો રે અંજવાળા, ઓ આકાશે રહેવા વાળા

લખજો હેતથી એના લેખ

— Milind Gadhvi

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i took your stiff, cold, wrinkled hand in mine and caressed it. i saw, i saw in your eyes. i saw when it began.

i saw, with the rise of my chest on my first breath, a hike surged in your heart, not with a blast, but with a flicker, and then it beat differently for the rest of your years. i saw, i saw life in your eyes. and just like that, i became the brightest star in your sky, a small, small, but a significant fraction of your soul. and when i raised my tiny palms to catch the toy you were shaking over my nose to get my attention, i failed, but i caught your heart instead. did you, did you let your tears fall on my little body when they placed it in your arms for the first time? did you, did you cry while you laughed so much?

i saw, i saw how you meticulously assembled the highs and lows of your laughter around one another, and crafted a rattle toy for me, and placed it in my tight fist carefully, like each bead encompassed all your gold and silver. your days got spend swinging my crib so lightly as if a delicate daisy had just bloomed in your garden and a strong breeze might uproot it. your love was established into a perpetual fountain sprinkling over me. your vision, dripping with adoration, projected an eternal rainbow arching over my pillows.

i saw you move your body to the cracking voice of my first song, it was almost spiritual for you. and when i started walking my initial frail steps, you always waited with open arms at the end, you wanted me to run straight into you. but i fell instead, i fell over and over again before i could reach you. but indeed you had laid all your floors with utmost care to suit my fragile knees. i saw, i saw how you had twenty little toes running around your house and you loved them all but your hands always got laid under only two tiny feet wherever they landed.

you manipulated your long legs to sync with mine as i held your finger in my small fist and still ran every time i ran every evening you took me to the park. i played with my shadow, never stepping out of it, chasing it around and so you did the same, mimicking my childish act, only to amuse me. you picked the prettiest flower in vicinity that matched my dress and pinned it in my hair. you pretended you could talk to the monkeys and the cats and i certainly believed it all.

i saw, i saw how when we fell from your bike, my knees were the first to be dusted by your hands, how all your birthday cakes were mine, how a single tear of mine would cost you all your good health. had you, had you ever lost against anyone but me? but you did, you did stake your life over me, didn't you?

i saw, i saw how you allowed the stars in your eyes free and let them put on a sparkling show only for me, every night before i fell asleep. with each pat of your hand on my head, you snatched away the darkness and permeated my dreams with colours. i know, i know i have never felt warmer than being in your arms.

i saw, i saw us sitting by that window, you playing mouth harmonica as i put my little fingers on that toy keyboard. i saw, i saw through the years, us sitting by that window every summer evenings and talking, about everything. i saw how we still sat by the window each summer but a little more distant every year until i started skipping summers when the window frame wasn't big enough to accommodate our distances.

i saw, i still saw, after all these years, the ceiling of your old room being lit in dark with those radium moons and suns and boats and planets. i still saw, half your cupboard and trunks, full of my footprints on ivory silk cloth pieces, plastic sparrows that sing but sing no more, a box of pastel bows and ribbons, amateur drawings with colours spread outside the lines, cardboard huts and matchbox furnitures wrapped in glitter papers, orange skies and dried little flowers and dainty gold earrings and old, worn out pictures, tearing at the seams, yet one framed and preserved like your most prized possession.

i saw, i saw it all, dada, but i still couldn't see when i first realised that you were sick inside that vigorous, dynamic body, that your guts were ripping apart and eating you from inside. i saw, i saw life in your eyes until death started crawling and staggering and crippling in from the edges.

i saw, i saw a man walk and walk and then walk some more, day and night, until he couldn't anymore. did it, did it hurt, not being able to walk anymore? i saw, i saw a man who never moved, i saw him tremble. i saw, i saw life but i saw, i saw death in your eyes too, when you couldn't tell that the one you saw was your own creation. and then i saw death again, containing you a little more every day.

i saw, i saw how you called me home every time you saw stars in your own eyes, telling me that i do not want to regret missing your last show. oh, how you fooled me all those months. but did you, did you indeed call me to your last? was it, was it the best? did you, did you miss me?

i saw, i saw, with your stiff, cold hand in mine. i saw it all in your pretty eyes, even as they lay tightly closed now. i held your hand and appreciated the contrast between yours and mine. i caressed the wrinkles of your skin. and just like i could count every crease on the back of your hand, i wish i could run my fingertips on every cell that hurt you and put you to rest. only then, only then did i realise that you had never rested more than that moment.

so then, i laid my forehead against yours and whispered in your ear, “does it, does it hurt to become weak?” so then, they lifted you for your last ride. were you, were you ever so light to be lifted away so easily?

__________________________________

it's almost a year now, dada. i didn't cry enough the day you departed but i want you to know that i miss you in the most random moments. i still dial your number just to see my phone screen light up with your beautiful face. i have seen you stand tall and strong even when the waves were hitting you in your weakest parts. you're one of the strongest people i know. all my strength comes from you and ma. i never grew to be a fierce volcano like your daughter. i always remained the dainty daisy since the day i bloomed in your garden. you still managed to love me like that. you carried pride in your heart for me until the very end. now i carry it in mine. striving to make you feel prouder every day. thank you for being a father to me when i didn't have one and a mother when i almost didn't have her either. missing you.

PS — no man has looked more beautiful when seen from my eyes. now you know it.