10.

I'm jolted awake for the third time in the wee hours of the morning.

The windows are still dark, and my phone screen lights up next to my head telling me it's almost four.

I rub the sleep from my eyes and shift uncomfortably.

Elizabeth is starting to whimper again.

I'm pretty sure I broke some big rules by falling asleep with her on my chest, but it's the only place I could get her to stay calm.

I hadn't meant to drift off again, but this whole night has been exhausting.

She wakes every hour or so, needing a bottle or to be burped or just to be held.

The second I'd have her soothed, I'd try to lay her back down and she'd start crying all over again.

The only thing that actually seems to help is laying her against my chest and patting her bottom until she falls asleep.

The little shit has a radar or something. She knows the second my hand stops, because she starts stretching and whining impatiently until I start up again.

"Yes ma'am, yes ma'am." I whisper to her, snuggling her fuzzy head below my chin and breathing her in as I continue the motion. My wrist is going to fall off at some point, but if it makes her happy then I'll do it.

She smells amazing.

I've heard people talk about newborn smell before, but I always thought that was weird. People talking about wanting to take a big ole whiff of a babies head sounded creepy and off to me, but now that I've experienced exactly what it is. I can't get enough.

She is the most adorable thing wrapped in her thin white blanket, one tiny fist resting against my collar bone. Her breathing comes slow and steady and I feel such comfort from the rise and fall of her body against mine.

I yawn, entirely exhausted, but I know she'll need another bottle soon, so falling back to sleep right now would be nothing but a cruel tease.

I lift my phone with my free hand and click through my messages to keep myself awake.

Dozens of missed calls and messages fill the screen.

One from Shelia that I type a quick response to, letting her know I did make it safely. I feel a little guilty that I had forgotten to message her, but at least I got back to her eventually.

The rest are from Gabby and Ella.

Ella sent me dozens of links to articles all about caring for newborns and babies with NAS. I devour each one, eagerly looking for any information that will help me be better at this.

I read through them all and then gently kiss the top of Elizabeth's head. "We've got this, baby girl." I whisper to her.

Her little body trembles slightly and I snuggle her closer.

My fears are alive and well all over again. Alice's selfishness could lead to so many issues for this baby.

All of the disabilities and slow development I read about fill me with complete and total dread. I just want her to be ok. I want her to have the best life she can possibly have. I pray that Ben can give it all to her.

A tear slips from the corner of my eye in the darkness and I tap Ella's contact to call her.

"Hayden?" She answers on the first ring. "Are you ok?"

I sniffle a little. "I'm ok." I whisper as quietly as possible. "You were right about the skin to skin. She liked it."

"Oh, good." She replies. "Did you get the stuff I sent you? I've been reading about it all day. Gabby too."

"I did." I say. "Thank you for that. I'm just so scared."

"I know." She sighs. "It's a lot. She'll need a lot of extra attention and care, but she's going to be just fine. So are you. We can do this."

We.

I have to hold back my sobs that want to escape.

I don't know what I ever did to have such amazing people in my life but I'm so grateful for them.

"When are y'all coming home?"

"I don't know." I whisper. "Alice, she got the father involved."

"Oh." Ella says and I can hear Gabby in the background.

"The dad? Really? What does that mean?"

"They gave him custody for now." I explain, quickly brushing over everything the case worker had told me yesterday. "I'm at his place right now with Elizabeth. He's sleeping."

"Awh, Elizabeth?" Ella coos. "She named her after your mom?"

A streak of bitterness floats through me. "No." I say. "Alice didn't bother naming her. She was so cold. I went to see her and she's like a ghost. She didn't care at all about any of it. She hasn't changed at all." I chew my lip in disgust. "Anyway, Ben and I picked the name. It was important for both of our families."

"So Ben is the dad?" Gabby asks. "What's he like, is he ok? Or is he like her?"

"He seems ok." I admit. "Maybe a bit immature but who is ever really ready for a newborn to be dropped at your feet to take care of?"

"So did he know she was pregnant or?" Ella hedges.

"He says they only met the one time." I say. "He said he didn't know anything about it until the hospital contacted him. He wants to keep her."

There is a lull of silence on the other end.

"Well," Ella finally speaks first. "That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"It should be." I nod a little, breathing in her fuzzy head again. "Yeah."

"You don't sound convinced." Gabby says and I nod a little to myself. "They said you could go for custody if you wanted?"

"Is that what you want?" Ella chimes back in.

Is it?

I don't think so. I'm not anymore ready for this than Ben is, but I can't understand why the idea of packing up and leaving feels so wrong too. I know where she'll be. I'm sure I can call. I can check in. I could visit. That would be ok, wouldn't it?

I don't get the vibe from Ben that he'd try to keep her away from me or anything, but what about his mom? What if she doesn't want me around because of Alice? What if his mom isn't as great as he makes her out to be? What if they're both bad? The uncertainty eats at my stomach.

"I don't know." I whisper, pushing those thoughts aside for now. "But there is more." I lower my voice even more.

"What?" They say in unison.

I listen carefully to the sounds of the house around me. The heat lulls lowly in the background and somewhere in the distance I hear Fancy's bell, but other than that and the quick little breaths from Elizabeth, the house is silent.

"It's Ben." I say carefully into the phone.

"Huh?" Ella whispers back. "Is he not nice or-."

"No." I cut her off. "It's him, guys. It's the Ben."

Silence.

More silence.

"You're joking." Ella finally says. "Like, there is no fucking way!"

I look around the dark room again, worried he'll be able to hear her shouting through the phone.

"I'm positive." I whisper back. "He's the guy."

"Hayden." Gabby says. "He's the father? As in Alice's baby daddy?"

"Yes." I whisper back urgently. "It's fucking insane. How out of all of the people on this planet did she manage to find him when I couldn't."

"This is crazy." Ella says, barely containing her enthusiasm. "What did you tell him? What did he say!"

"I didn't tell him." I reply quickly. "Obviously."

"You looked for him forever, Hayden, then there he is and you're in his house! How do you just not say anything?"

"There was bigger things going on at the time." I point out. "What was I supposed to say? Like, hey I know you just found out your my sisters baby daddy, but did you know you're also the person who accidentally saved my life and that I was pretty obsessed with you for a while?"

"I mean, yeah?" Gabby says. "He's already getting thrown for one loop, might as well have thrown that in there too."

"Hell no." I say back. "I can't just tell him that."

"Why not?"

"Because it would have been weird to begin with, add all of this now, and it's straight up stalkerish sounding. He'd think I'm insane."

"He doesn't remember you?" Ella asks.

"No." I sigh. "Why would he?" I tell them. "That day meant something to me, not to him. He wouldn't have a reason to remember that, even if he hadn't been wasted. That day can't hold the same significance as it does for me for him."

"Not if you don't tell him." Ella responds. "The universe is seriously so crazy. Like, think about how out of this whole world that he's right there? That's not an accident."

"He screwed my sister." I remind her. "I don't know what crazy story you're trying to spin in your head right now, but stop. This is so weird for me."

"You're right, I'm sorry." She says. "I just can't believe it."

"How do you think I feel?"

"So you're not going to tell him then?" Gabby asks. "I mean, I get it if you don't want to. I can see how it would be a weird conversation to have considering."

"I am honestly just trying to forget it." I admit. "Seeing him, it brought back all of those memories from that day..."

"I'm so sorry, Hayd." Ella says. "I can't imagine what all you're trying to process right now."

"Do you want me to come?" Gabby asks. "I mean it, I'll get a flight right now."

"No." I tell her. "Don't do that. I'm fine. I just needed to talk to you guys. I miss you."

"We miss you too." Ella tells me. "So much. Whatever you need, just call us, ok? Don't leave us hanging again. We worry."

"I know." I nod. "I won't. I just need to figure some stuff out."

I hang up the phone and stare down at the little one snuggled up against me and sigh. I never in one million years actually thought I'd come face to face with Ben again.

I'd spent so much of my time after my parents died imagining what it would be like. What I would say. How I would feel. He was the last person I had any interaction with before my entire world as I knew it then blew to pieces around me.

If I hadn't stopped to help him that day, I'd have never had this life I've been living. I wouldn't be here right now holding my baby niece.

I used to wonder if I'd be angry with him, if the feelings I'd had would resurface. If it hadn't been for him passed out in a random hallway, I'd not have had to know life without them.

But it's not anger I feel when I think of it now.

I'm so fucking grateful that he was there and that I'm here.

No amount of my imaginings would have ever led me to this ultimate conclusion. That he would appear when I wasn't even looking for him anymore. That he'd be someone who is now going to be in my life for at least the next eighteen years.

It boggles my mind.

I obviously can't tell him now, but I also want to thank him. I want to repay him for inadvertently saving my life that day.

I want him to be a good guy. I want to believe he's capable of handling this all on his own. But what if he isn't? What if this is all too overwhelming for him and he gives up?

That happens all the time. So many kids grow up without their parents in their lives for one reason or another. And Elizabeth is already down one, she won't have the mother she needs. Ben has to be able to stand up for her.

"She still asleep?" I jump a little at the sound of his voice as he rounds the corner into the room.

My sudden movement has her stirring in my arms, little agitated whimpers coming from her lips.

"Can you grab me another bottle?" I whisper.

Ben comes over and leans to turn on the lamp beside us. "Sure, I'll go get it."

"Don't turn that on." I tell him quickly, turning to sit on the couch and getting Elizabeth situated in my arms. "The stuff I was reading said babies with her condition like dark quiet spaces."

"Oh, ok, yeah." He stumbles lazily into the kitchen, knocking over something in the kitchen that rattles noisily on the floor. "Shit." He curses.

Elizabeth starts to cry, her limbs trembling. "It's ok." I whisper to her. "It's just your clumsy daddy." I pat her soothingly. "He's gonna bring you your bottle and then you'll be a happy sleepy girl again."

Ben comes back with a fresh bottle in hand. "I'll take her." He says, holding his arm out to me.

I look down at her and feel mildly possessive, but I remind myself that he's her father and he's the one who should be bonding with her.

"Yeah, she's all yours." I stand.

"Hold on." He says suddenly, setting the bottle down on the couch. He steps back and pulls his tshirt over his head. "I want to try the skin thing." He tells me as I advert my eyes.

I couldn't tell before with all of his clothes on, but without the baggy tshirt it is painfully obvious that he's got a great body. His shoulders are wide and rounded and before I looked away I'd definitely caught a glimpse of some abs.

I'd think with all of the beer and drinking he's done he'd be sporting a bit of a belly, but apparently Ben also spends some time in the gym.

"Ok." He says, sitting on the couch with his long sculpted arms outstretched to me. "Give me that baby."

I gently unwrap her from her blanket, shooshing as she screams in protest.

I pass her down to Ben and he holds her close against his bare chest, kissing the top of her head while he whispers sweet words to her.

Like she had with me, she resists it at first, but after a minute she settles and accepts her bottle from him.

I sit down on the other end of the couch and watch them. Her eyes open and close slowly, glancing up at him while he speaks.

I'm so entranced by the two of them I don't even take notice of Fancy until the fluffy calico has landed in my lap.

"Woah, what's happening." I say, leaning back as she turns in circles on my legs before laying down.

"She chose you." Ben says quietly around a smile. "She's picky, so be grateful."

I stare down at the cat in my lap and she lazily looks up at me.

"I don't think I like you." I whisper to her, but I run a hand down her back and she starts to purr. "Ok, that's a little cute, but don't push your luck."

She lays her head down and closes her eyes.

I don't know how long goes by, but eventually Ben starts to hum a song, then slowly starts to sing quietly to Elizabeth.

He has a beautiful voice I realize just before my own eyes start to flutter shut.

The sounds of his song lulling me to sleep.