17.

"Hayden," Mrs. Butcher says, taking my hand into her tiny shaking age spotted hand. "I cannot thank you enough for all you've done."

I smile at her, gently squeezing her hand in return. "It's been my pleasure to work with you and your family." I say. "Mr. Butcher was so very loved by so many in this community."

Her eyes go wet and her tremors get a little stronger as her daughter puts her arm around her shoulders. "He really was." Her daughter agrees. "Please take these as a token of our gratitude." She takes a large bouquet of mixed flowers from her husband and passes them over to me.

I release Mrs. Butcher's hand and take the flowers, watching Mrs. Butcher blot at her red rimmed eyes with a tissue.

"It's really no trouble." I tell them all. "The service was truly beautiful."

"It was, wasn't it?" Mrs.Butcher whispers under her shaking breath. "He would have...he would have been proud of..."

I turn to set the flowers on the front desk behind me and I reach out to give her a hug, feeling her fragile body quiver in my hold. "It was all you." I tell her quietly. "Your love for each other is what was on display today and the life he got to live with you at his side. He'd be proud of what you brought to this day in remembrance of him."

Her little arms squeeze onto me and I sigh into her embrace. She is shrunken with age, her body bent into itself but the squeeze she manages to give is strong.

As she steps back I can still see the remnants of who she used to be. I see the young vivacious women I saw in all of the pictures from the slide show we'd put together to play at her husbands funeral service.

We spent hours piecing together the story of his life for everyone to admire and as I look at her, I swear I can see her young husband looking down at her with that same smile he had in the photo from their wedding day.

"He's with me always." She says softly, as if she can see him here with us too.

I nod to her and we say our goodbyes as her daughter and son in law help her out of the memorial home and out into the black sedan waiting out front.

I watch after them until they've pulled away before I finally let my shoulders fall and my mask of strength slip off.

I turn and look down at the flowers on my desk. They're vibrant pinks and purples and yellows. They're beautiful. Just like this day has been.

And just like this day, though beautiful, there is something about flowers that is inherently sad.

Like our lives, they're beautiful and striking and full of wonder. How they start as a tiny seed and slowly beat the odds to grow and change and bloom into this gorgeous display.

But all too soon, those soft petals will begin to wither and fall away. The stems will slacken and sink and the flower will become dry and eventually, give in.

Flowers have always struck me as beautiful in a cutting way. They remind me how short life can be, and how easily it fades away.

"They were very pleased with you." Shelia surprises me coming out of the funeral hall.

"They were pleased." I agree. It wasn't just me that made this day. So many hands went into making today something special for the Butcher family and all of their friends.

"You did a lot." Shelia reminds me, pursing her lips and looking at me over the top of her reading glasses with that knowing look of hers. "However," she says cocking her head to the side. "Aren't you going to be late?"

I still, searching my messy desk top for my phone.

I find it beneath a scheduling book and tap the screen to see she's correct. I also see a new text, but I don't read beyond the name of the sender.

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay and help with the-."

"Hayden." She cuts me off. "You've been throwing yourself into all of this for weeks now. Get out of here and go have some fun for once. We know better than most how easily chances of that can slip through our fingers."

"Alright." I concede.

It's not like I want to miss Ella's dress appointment. It's all she's talked about for the last few days. She keeps dropping all of these hints at what her dress looks like and how much we will all love it.

At this point, I damn near think I've already seen it as much as it's been described in gushing details over and over.

I grab a handful of the flowers out of the bouquet and rush to my car.

Twenty minutes later I'm walking into the bridal shop and hearing my name screamed out in several directions.

I'm nearly toppled over when Ella rushes me, grabbing me up in her arms into a giant bear hug.

"I'm so fucking excited." She tells me, tugging me into the back where all of our friends are waiting.

She rushes behind a long velvet curtain into a changing room and I find a seat on one of the ornate couches next to Gabby and Yeniffer.

"You made it." Gabby teases. "And right on time."

I furrow my brows and glance at the time again. "I'm late." I confess and she and Yeniffer laugh.

"That is because we told you to be here a half hour before you actually needed to be." Gabby knocks her shoulder into mine playfully and we all laugh.

"Wow." I say, leaning into her. "Y'all are a bunch of assholes."

"Very well meaning and well planned assholes." Yeniffer agrees.

"Drink?" I turn my head to see a woman holding out a tray of champagne glasses filled with the yellowed bubbling liquids.

"Nah, I'm good." I say, shaking my head. "But thank you." I tack on with a smile.

"Come on," Gabby says. "Loosen up a little."

I just shrug at her. "I'm good." I say again and she frowns but let's it go.

I sit, watching the curtain in front of us sway and move as Ella gets dressed behind it.

All around me, voices buzz about the wedding. The dresses, what hair styles we will do, which groomsmen are single, who is riding with who, whether or not everyone wants to go out afterwards.

I hear it all, and even engage into a few of the discussions, but my head is not in it. My head is in Texas. My head is spinning the unopened text on my phone around and around.

Finally, I stop making excuses not to look. Or maybe, I don't finally stop procrastinating it, but I finally let myself look like I know damn well I've been wanting to do this whole time.

I slide my phone out in front of me and swipe a finger across the screen and open the text.

Ben: do you remember where I put the burp rags?

I fight my lips from twitching upwards at the message.

Hayden: pretty sure you had them under the changing table in the bottom drawer.

His response comes immediately.

Ben: right, duh. Thanks!

I stare at the message on the screen, my finger sliding the chat down to look at all of the other messages that we have sent back and forth over the past few weeks.

It's annoyingly become the thing I look forward to most every day.

Ben texting me to ask me a random question about where something is or how he is supposed to do something with Elizabeth.

My quick responses and his thanks for the help.

Every night, around 8pm, a picture of Elizabeth in her crib. I stare at the most recent one. Her duck pjs swallowing her whole and her thumb tucked into her mouth.

"What are you doing?" Gabby asks and I look up to find her looking down at the screen with me. "She's the cutest thing ever I swear to god. I just want to squeeze her."

I smile, sliding my phone out of her view. "You should smell her." I say, grinning at the memory of her little peach fuzzed head tucked under my chin while she slept on my chest.

"You know, you-." Gabby starts but is cut off when a shout comes from the dressing room.

"Who's ready to see this dress?" Ella's voice booms from behind the curtain and a hush falls over all of the girls sitting here waiting for the big reveal.

Someone starts to clap and we all follow suit, eyes trained on the curtain as it begins to open.

Ella steps out, an attendant stepping out behind her holding up the train of her dress as she comes out and steps up onto the pedestal in front of us all.

She looks like a bride.

Of course, she's always been going to be one. I knew this was coming one day and I knew just how soon, but seeing her now, it's a whole different thing.

The white lace dress hugs her every curve, the pearl beaded bodice synching her waist and lifting her chest. Behind her, the attendant fans out the long lace train and let's it swoop out around her.

She could be on the cover of one of those bridal magazines she's always leaving around the apartment.

She's radiant and glowing and her cheeks are red from smiling so hard.

Her mother stands from her seat and walks over, grabbing her into a big hug and the both of them begin to cry, tears streaming down their faces and around their giants smiles.

Everyone is gushing in awe all at once all around me as her mother fastens the thin intricate veil into her hair.

My own cheers join the crowd as I watch my oldest friend twirl and delight in her wedding dress.

My phone buzzes in my lap and I glance down, seeing Ben's name again.

I instantly pick it up, opening the message.

Ben: how are you?

My breath stills as I look at the message.

This isn't what we do. This isn't our routine. We don't ask each other how we are or what's up or anything even close to that. He asks where the bag of pacifiers are, and I tell him they're in the drawer in the kitchen with the extra bottles. Then I get the picture before bed and wait for the next Elizabeth related question to come the next day.

This?

This isn't that.

This isn't him needing help or advice.

This is him asking....about me?

I scroll all the way to the top of our chat feed, reading over every single message that's been sent since the day I ran away from Texas and him and...the things I didn't want to feel.

But now, very far from Texas, those same things are swirling around inside of me.

I get annoying tears in my eyes.

Why did he have to do that? He's changing the rules. We don't talk about each other, we talk about Elizabeth.

But it doesn't mean that's how I want it.

I jump when I get a elbow into my ribs and I look over at Gabby who is giving me a pointed look, glancing between me and my phone.

"Hayden," Ella says from the pedestal. "I asked what you think?" She sounds mildly agitated and I look up at her quickly. "Awh, honey!" She suddenly croons and rushes over to me in a cloud of white. "You're crying!"

She throws her arms around my shoulders and I drop my phone to hug her back, trying to breath through the veil that is now covering my face.

I puff out a breath, trying to blow the thin fabric off of my mouth and nose.

"It's just so pretty." I say and now Ella is crying even more happy tears than before.

"I just knew you'd love it." She says into my neck, squeezing me so hard it's becoming a battle between the veil and her arms on which one is gonna stop me from breathing faster.

In the grand scheme of things, I guess being suffocated by a bride wouldn't be the worst ways to do it.

"Most-." I huff. "Beautiful bride-." I blow at it again. "I've ever seen."

Ella finally pulls back and I take in a deep breath, rubbing at the wetness beneath my own eyes. "This means so much to me." She whispers, taking my hand in hers. "It's what we always dreamed about."

I look into her eyes, her hair falling from the bun in a mess around her face and I smile at her. I just nod, though I'm thinking, this was what she always dreamed about.

Seeing her like this I can remember being kids and her dressing up and pretending to be getting married. But she was always the bride, I was the groom or the officiant or a member of the crowd watching her.

The big wedding and happily ever after were never on my radar.

I guess that's what happens when you grow up the way that I did.

But I don't feel sad.

I don't feel resentment towards my best friend standing before me in her very own wedding gown.

My face breaks into a genuine smile.

Im so god dammed happy for her.

Of all of the people I know, Ella deserves all of her dreams coming true. I feel selfish for getting distracted on a day that means so very much to her when she's always been the shoulder for me to cry on and the number one person in my corner cheering me on when I had no one and nothing else.

When she squeals and rushes away to talk to everyone else, I just grab my phone off of the couch and shove it back into my bag.

This is her day.

"Dude." Gabby whispers beside me when Ella is out of ear shot. "You know how much this all means to her." She reminds me and I let my shoulders slump.

"I know." I nod. "I already feel bad."

"Im not trying to make you feel bad." Gabby admonishes. "Just chill with the phone for a bit. You know she'd be crushed if she thought we wanted to be anywhere but right here."

"There isn't anywhere else I want to be." I lie and Gabby purses her lips. "What?" I say, trying to look convincing.

"Why don't you just talk to him, Hayd?"

I skip a breath. "Huh?" I say, dumbly.

Gabby rolls her eyes and leans in closer. "I don't mean right now, but like later." She says quietly. "I know you don't want to talk to us about what happened but ever since you've been back you've been so different."

"I have not." I argue, crossing my arms and then dropping them and slapping on a smile when I see Ella glance our direction.

"You have." Gabby says gently. "You've been keeping yourself so busy and terrified of being alone or in any type of silence. You are functioning but you're not yourself."

I stare back at my best friend.

The thing I love about having two amazing best friends? I know I can always count on them and they will always be my biggest cheerleaders even when I'm being stupid.

The thing I hate about having two amazing best friends? They notice everything.

She's not inherently wrong.

Since I've been home I've thrown myself into work. When I'm not there, I'm keeping my hands and mind busy. Constantly playing podcasts or listening to books, never music because now music lets my mind slip to places I don't want it to go.

I've taken up running every evening so I exhaust my body so that sleep comes easily, hard and fast gripping me into dreamland and leaving little time for me to lay awake in bed thinking.

She's right.

When I'm alone or it's too quiet to drown out my own head, I feel numb inside.

"I miss me too." I admit.

I miss when my life was chaotic and unpredictably boring. It worked for me. I'd do whatever I wanted when I wanted to and I was fine. Wasn't I?

I used to be happy, right?

Or am I just now realizing how empty my life actually was?

Just more thoughts I don't want to tackle today.

"Who wants to go out dancing tonight?" One of Ella's friends from work, I think her name is Hannah, shouts to the group.

I stand up.

"I'm in." I announce.