4.

My sister.

It goes through my head over and over again. My sister? I want to think they have the wrong number, but of course they don't. They'd asked for me by name.

Plus, a part of me has always been dreading this inevitable phone call.

We lost her when we were thirteen.

We, my parent's and I, always knew in the back of our minds that this phone call would happen one day. I'd just always hoped I wouldn't be the one to have to answer.

My first instinct is to want to call Mom. But she's gone. My next is to call Aunt Bec, but she's gone now too.

This burden now falls to me.

"When was the last time you spoke to your sister?" The woman asks me, the tone and volume of her voice makes me think she's already asked me this.

"I, uh." I close my eyes trying to think. "The last time I saw her was when we were sixteen." I tell her and she makes a small sound.

"And the last time you spoke to her?" She asks again and I pace the room nervously.

"When we were sixteen." I tell her again. "She ran away." I explain. "She's Schizophrenic. She got bad into drugs and we couldn't-my-our parents did everything trying to find her." I say, wanting the woman to know how hard we had all tried.

"I see." The woman says softly.

"Where is her body?" I ask, trying to school my mind into a work sense. Trying to not let my emotions run through me but instead to step back and look at the situation clinically. At least for now. "I work for Moundville Memorial," I trudge on. "I'd like the body brought here. We have a family burial-."

"Miss Maxwell," she cuts me off. "I think we misunderstood each other here. Your sister isn't dead."

I feel like I've slammed into a brick wall. "Wait, she's not?" I put a hand to my forehead. "I don't understand."

"I'm calling about the baby."

"The what?" I gasp into the phone.

"Your sister was pregnant." She explains in a rush. "She abandoned the baby at a Wendy's with an employee and she left. It's been a couple of days, but we located your sister. She ended up having to be admitted to a hospital here in Texas due to complications she sustained giving birth to the child out of the hospital. She's stable now, but the baby cannot be with her. She had copious amounts of opioids in her system. I'm contacting you as next of kin."

I stand, dazed. All attempts at looking at this with any type of rationality flys right out of the window as my brain slowly processes what she's just told me.

My sister is alive.

She's in Texas.

She had a baby.

She abandoned her baby.

"I don't understand." It's the only thing I can manage to force out of my mouth.

"Well, I'm handing this case and we are looking to place the child with a family member until this can all be sorted out."

"Wait a second," I start laughing. "This is a joke, right? Someone put you up to this? It's a sick one, but I'll admit, you had me going there for a second."

"I assure you, Miss. Maxwell, this is no joke." The woman says, sounding perturbed. "I'm contacting you as next of kin." She says haughtily. "If you cannot take over as guardian for the time being, the baby will be placed into a temporary home."

I still again.

There is no way this is legit. It can't be. But who would actually play a joke this twisted on me?

"You want...you want me to take a baby?"

I look around my complete mess of a room. There is more dirty clothes than there is visible carpet. I have a pizza box teetering on the edge of my nightstand with four empty white claws balanced around it.

I just had sex in that bed with a guy who's name I can't even remember and I don't know when the last time I washed my hair was.

Night before last? Thursday?

They want me to take a baby?

I am the baby.

Gabby just said so herself.

There is no way I can take care of another human, especially a little one. I don't even think I keep myself alive fully on my own. Gabby and Ella are the ones who bring me food eighty percent of the time.

"As I said," the woman breaks through my mental break down. "That is why I'm contacting you. If you do not have the means or ability at this time to take over guardianship, I can place the baby in a home-."

"What, like with strangers?" I cut in. "Like the baby goes into the system?"

"Ideally, we'd place the baby with a family member." She tells me calmly. "But if that's not possible, then yes."

"But I..." my words go dry in my mouth. When was the last time I had any water?

"I realize this is a lot to take in at the moment." The woman tells me, but I don't think she does. There is no way she can realize just how completely ridiculous and out of the world insane this sounds to me right now.

My sister. My twin sister.

Her baby.

My mind just keeps rejecting the information over and over. I can't make it make sense no matter how many ways I contort it in my head.

"I don't expect you to have an answer for me right this second." She tells me. Freaking good too, because I've not fully committed to the idea that this is even real life right now. "As I mentioned before, your sister and the baby are in Texas. Dallas specifically. They're both in Saint James Memorial Hospital right now. If you could make arrangements to come, we can talk at length about the options we have right now. Ok? How does that sound?"

"What happens with the baby in the meantime?"

There is a slight pause. "She's currently in the NICU. Due to her mother's drug use, the baby was born with Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome, or NAS. She's having to go through the withdrawals which make her a high risk, but she's been doing well under the hospital care."

My heart breaks in my chest.

An innocent baby born into this world already being hurt by it. Her suffering is caused by her own mother. My sister. I can't believe the words I'm hearing no matter how hard I try to make sense of them.

"Is she...well she be ok?" I ask quietly.

"She's doing well." She tells me. "She's a resilient little thing. It'll still be some time before we can know if she will have any long term effects. She could suffer some mental challenges but we won't know right now. She will be ready to leave hospital care soon though, which is why I am trying to get her placement situated."

"Ok."

I don't have anything better to say in the moment. I'm just standing here trying to understand what seems insurmountable.

"Give me your email and I will send you all the information you need." She says. "If you decide to take over there will be some paperwork and things like inspections and whatnot to go through. We really do want to place her in a good home, preferably with family, but we understand circumstances may not be right for you. Either way I think coming here and seeing your sister and talking this all over with us would be helpful."

I nod, then realize she can't see me and stutter out a string of noncommittal words but somehow agree to come to Texas.

I need to see my sister.

I can't believe what she's done, but if she's alive and in the hospital there, I've got to at least go see her.

The caseworker ends the call and my email explodes with addresses and dates and documents that I can't make heads nor tails of.

I sit down on my bedroom floor just thinking of it all. A baby. A freaking baby. One that might have disability or mental problems. I'm not equip to handle a perfectly healthy easy baby, much less one that may require special care.

I pull my knees up to my chest and take long deep breaths before I toss away the attempt at soothing myself all together and just allow myself to cry.

I'm laying on my floor still, in the fetal position, when Gabby and Ella come giggling back into the apartment.

"Hayden!" Ella calls. "Food you pig!"

I don't move though. I don't think I can.

I just wait here until I hear footsteps coming towards my room.

"Hay-." Ella stops short in the doorway. "Whoa, what's wrong?" She drops to the floor next to me. "Gabby!" she shouts over her shoulder.

They're both with me in seconds.

I force myself to sit up while they try to soothe me. I let all of the words come flying out. I don't stop until I've covered it all. Every single thing the caseworker had told me.

"Oh, Hayden." Ella says, rubbing my back. "Alice? She's..."

"She's alive." I nod, fidgeting with my fingers.

Ella has been my friend since grade school. She knew Alice, was even friends with her,  before Alice slipped away.

"I can't believe this." She says. "She just abandoned her baby?"

I nod.

Gabby pulls me over to rest my head on her shoulder. "What are you going to do?"

That's the question isn't it? What will I do? I can't take care of a baby. I can't afford myself much less someone else and someone who will need so much. But the thought of letting that baby, my niece, just go into the system somewhere and not knowing if she's ok doesn't feel right either.

"I have to go see them." I say, finally letting that settle on my lips.

"I'll go with you." Ella promises but I shake my head.

"You've got your bridal shower next week and your dress appointment."

"Fuck that stuff." She says adamantly. "That's not as important."

I turn to stare at her, her big eyes welled with tears. "You can't." I protest. "You're getting married in a few months, El. You have been on the waiting list for that dress shop you love for months already. If you don't go to your appointment and find your dress it's not going to be ready in time."

"I don't care, really-."

"No." I shake my head again. "I won't let you miss that."

"I can find a dress somewhere else, and we can reschedule the party." She tells me. "This is more important to me. Everything else can wait."

"I'm not letting you do that." I straighten. "Seriously. You've been planning this all for too long to let it get messed up by me. You're having your party and you're getting the dress from the place you want."

"Those things don't mean anything to me if you're not there." Her bottom lip quivers and a tear slides down her full cheeks.

"I can't let you." I reach for her hand. "I can do this."

"Not alone." Gabby says, taking my other hand. "I'll come with you."

"No." I sigh loudly. "We can't both not be there for Ella. Plus, you have that presentation at work. You've talked about nothing else but how important that is to get the promotion you wanted. I'm not letting either of you miss out on anything because of this."

"But you're terrified of flying, Hayden." Gabby argues. "You don't even like going to Walmart by yourself."

"That's a safety hazard." I mumble. "No girls should go there alone, that's just smart."

"But you want to fly all the way to Texas, where you've never been, all alone? How's that not a safety hazard?"

"Neither of you are coming, end of story." I stomp my foot a little for emphasis. "I can do it."

"What about the baby?" Ella asks me. "Are you considering it?"

I chew my lips. "Look at this place." I start to cry again. "I can't have a baby."

"Look, it's your decision." Ella grips my hand tighter. "I'll help as much as I can, I'm sure Gabs will too."

"You're moving out." I remind her.

"I'm not going far, Hayden." She sighs. "You can turn my room into a nursery."

I can feel Gabby tense the same way I do. We can't afford to do that. We were already going to be barely scraping by without Ella. Add a baby to that, and not being able to add another roommate, and we'd be drowning in less than a month on our own.

I could pick up another job. And maybe Gabby gets that promotion, but how is any of that fair to her? She's twenty four. I doubt her life plans involved living with a newborn.

And what would we even do with the baby if we are both having to work all the time to cover the bills.

"We can figure it out." Gabby says, reading my thoughts on my face. "I'll back you no matter what you decide. Just really think about it."

"I have been." I start crying again. "I don't want to just let it go off to foster care or wherever, but how could we possibly add a baby here? I don't even know what to do with a baby."

"I know." Gabby frowns and Ella looks just as worried as I feel. I know they're trying to be supportive, but I can see their doubts behind their words clear as day. They know I can't do it either.

"I just can't believe this." I cry. "That Alice could do this to her baby. That she'd do this to her own kid and now to me. I can't believe she's alive. I thought she was dead."

They both cling to me, letting me cry it out.

I haven't felt this much emotion rush through me in ages and I hate it. I'd let go of my sister a long time ago. At this point I've known the world and life without her in it longer than I ever spent with her.

She was my best friend when we were little. But she'd changed so quickly. I both loved and feared her at times.

It makes me feel so guilty to admit it, but after she ran off for the last time, and my parent's had to let go of the hope of ever finding her or helping to heal her, I finally got to see them be happy. I got to stop walking on eggshells wondering what the next thing would be to set her off.

My life got easier without her in it, as much as it broke my heart to lose her, I knew it was better for us.

God, I'd been so selfish.

I'd just given up on her.

And now, there she is, in a hospital all alone.

I've already failed her once as a sister.

I can't fail her again.