My Mama

Frankie has been getting stronger the last few days. My dad is due to land in Nashville tonight, and my anger is building the closer it gets to his arrival. I’m not even going to collect him, so he’s hiring a car from the airport.

Some of Frankie’s church friends want to go and see him today, so I have planned to go into Nashville with Sara.

I have to finalize the closing of my course, which has been on the back burner these last few days. I can’t give it any more energy.

My dad thinks it’s because I’m going back to England, and if it stops any arguments then I’m letting him think that.

After Nashville we’re going for lunch at her house. I have finally run out of excuses to go and talk to her mum.

“I love this university. Aren’t you sad to be leaving?” Sara asks as we walk through campus.

I can’t stop thinking about my next steps. If I’m not at university, what am I doing? What will I tell people when they ask me what I do at twenty-three?

“Nope. The place looks amazing, but not when you’re doing a course you hate with people you equally hate.”

I will keep in touch with Kelly, though. She’s cool, and we have already arranged to meet in Nashville next weekend.

“What’s your plan now, then? Do you think you will go back to England with your dad?”

I’m sick of people asking me the same thing. I don’t know. I wonder if I will ever know.

“I don’t have a fucking clue,” I shrug. “What do you think I should do?”

“I think you need to think about what you’re leaving for and what you’re leaving behind. You have no course now keeping you here. Frankie, God bless his soul, won’t be here, but you have us, and we all desperately want you to stay.”

I smile. “What will I do for a job, though?”

“What do you want to do? What are you passionate about?”

I haven’t thought about my passion and values in a while. As a teenager, I always wanted to be a photographer.

Then, as I got older and more consumed with money and belongings, I saw it as a dead-end road with little financial gain.

My dad bought me an old Polaroid one Christmas and it was my most favorite present ever. I spent the following year taking thousands of photos and even won some local competitions.

“I love photography,” I say. “The ability to capture the world as I see it. Catching a moment and being able to hold it forever.”

“Then that’s what you should do,” Sara smiles.

Maybe she has something—maybe I ought to start living my life and doing the things I want to do rather than the things I’m expected to do.

“Good call, maybe I will.”

“There’s a great old shop around here that sells cameras and things. One of my friends does a blog and always says it’s where she goes for her photography equipment.”

“Great idea, nothing like seizing the moment,” I laugh. “Lead the way.”

I get so excited when I enter the shop. It really is a gold mine. The woman behind the counter is knowledgeable and helps me pick out a camera in line with the style of pictures I like.

It costs me a hefty amount, but I already plan to head out on the ranch tonight as the sun starts to go down and snap some pictures. Maybe I could take some for Frankie, to remind him of home.

I’ve had a great morning with Sara. We have laughed, and it felt nice to be thinking about other things. As soon as we are heading back, though, I am reminded about Frankie.

The doctors explained to him yesterday about the cancer while me, Antony, Tobias, and Tanner were all there with him.

He was upset, but he held it together. I was more of a mess than him. After the doctor left, Tobias held my hand as Frankie turned to me and said something that broke my heart: “I finally get to see Nora again.”

Imagine having a love like that? Where your own death gives you the chance to see them again and makes it all okay? I couldn’t stop looking over at Tobias after that comment. At that moment, I really did love him like that.

Sara’s mum smiles as I nervously walk into the lounge. She has a friendly, smiley face and looks younger than her years.

“Come in, sit down,” she says as I loiter by the door. “Oh, Sara wasn’t exaggerating when she said you look like Sky. Gee, it’s like having her here again.”

I smile awkwardly as she stands and pulls some boxes out of the cupboard by the open window. The sun peeps in between the wooden blinds, making me squint.

“I have so many photos. Do you want to look at some?”

I nod. I think I’m ready for this. Ready as I will ever be.

She pulls the first pack out and smiles as she explores them. I can see the memories flooding back as she reminisces about the exact moment the picture was captured—another reminder of why I always loved photography.

“This one is me and your mom. We were just two silly schoolgirls, always giggling and chasing after the cowboys.”

I take the photo and examine it. I have never seen my mum when she was young. The only pictures I had were the few my dad had kept of the two of them and then some of me with her.

“She’s so pretty,” I say as I run my finger over her giggling face.

“Yep, she was always the prettiest girl around here. Your dad struck gold when she agreed to go on that first date with him.”

“You know my dad?” I ask, not taking my eyes off the picture.

“Oh yeah, your dad was always with us. We were the amazing foursome, me and my boyfriend at the time and your mom and dad. We did everything together.”

“What was she like?” I inquire.

“He hasn’t told you about her?”

I shake my head. “He never really speaks about her. I don’t know if it’s just too hard for him.”

I don’t know why I’m making excuses for him. Maybe it is the truth, though.

We look through hundreds of pictures, and she gets a wallet out for me to take some. She tells me how my parents met, what my mum first thought of my dad, and how in love they were, which surprises me.

The pictures she has also show a love between them that I had never seen in my own pictures: them laughing, mum sitting on his knee in some honky-tonk as his loving arms wrap around her.

I’m getting a totally different picture of them as a couple.

I also learn that my mother loved photography too, and that she had at one point wanted to be a photographer.

This is something my dad had failed to mention all those years ago when I talked nonstop about pursuing a career in photography.

I head back to the ranch before it gets dark. I’m eager to take some photos with my new camera.

Before the sun starts to drop, I check in with Dawn. She’s been to see Frankie this evening after his church friends left, and she said he was in good spirits when she took the kids and some of his homemade favorites.

I plan to spend tomorrow there with my dad. The others are taking the day off and giving my dad time with him.

The hot weather is finally starting to cool down, and as the sun starts to set, I feel a chill in the air for the first time. I have set my camera up, ready to get some shots.

I want to take some of the horses grazing with the orange sky behind. I see it most evenings and would love to keep that view forever.

“Hey there,” comes his husky voice from behind.

I had been so wrapped up in the photos I hadn’t seen him approach me.

I turn slowly and face Tobias, his blue eyes sparkling like sunlight on still water.

“Hey,” I reply.

“What are you doing there?” he asks.

“Just trying something out,” I say as I hold my camera up. “What are you doing here?”

Behind him I can see a light on in the barn that I thought was disused. It has big doors that he came through, and I can hear music playing.

“Just working on some things,” he smiles.

“Show me?”

He nods his head shyly, and I follow him as he walks back toward the open doors. I’m stunned by what I see. I didn’t even know he had such a skill.

“Are these yours?” I ask as I run my hands over the wooden unit in front of me.

“Yep, it’s just something I enjoy doing. It helps me think.”

“But these are gorgeous. Do you sell them?”

“I did some for my dad and Trav, but people locally put orders in now and again.”

“What’s this one you’re working on?” I ask as I move to the light wood he seems to be sanding.

He looks at the floor. “That is going to be a coffin for Frankie.”

I take a step back from it. It makes things so real.

“He asked me to do him one. I didn’t want to, but he insisted.”

“No, I think it’s great that he has asked you. I love the color.”

He nods as he pushes his hands into his jeans pocket.

“Are you okay doing it?” I ask.

His eyes lift to me. “Not really,” he replies.

I walk toward him and hug him tight. His hands remain in his jeans as his body shakes in my arms.

“It’s so fucking awful, all of this, but the doctor said he will be in a lot of pain. I keep it together by thinking about how much he must be suffering.”

Tobias sniffs and agrees as his head rests on my shoulder.

I hold him tight and hope I’m as much comfort to him as he has been to me through all of this.

I stay with him while he sands and cuts. I tell him about my course and my photography, and his mood lifts as we talk into the evening.

It’s only when Travis and Tanner show up that I leave. They are helping him out, and I’m glad to see they arrived with a bottle of JD and some glasses. It will do him good to be around his brothers.