Our Loss Is Heaven’s Gain

My head’s all over the place, and the drive in Travis’s truck seems to be the longest drive of my life. No one speaks, but it’s obvious what’s on everyone’s mind, like the energy around us is doing all the talking.

Tobias is sitting next to me. We’re pushed together on the overfilled truck bench. I can feel his chest rising and falling as he breathes heavily beside me.

He is wringing his hands on his lap, and I can’t take my eyes off his nervous fingers. I want to hold them and to comfort him.

It takes until we are ten minutes into the journey for me to finally muster up the courage to go out on a limb. I lean over and grab his nervy hand.

When he looks up at me, I know he needs the support. Our hands lock together as he rubs the back of mine with his other one.

We arrive at the hospital like collective animals herding into the main foyer. Dad informs us that Frankie had another stroke, which was more severe than the last one.

He’s not going to pull through, and the hospital will be removing his breathing tubes soon so he can pass away naturally.

We’re able to sit around his bed and let him know we’re all with him in his last moments.

My hand remains joined to Tobias’s. It just feels natural and comforting to be joined to him somehow. He hasn’t spoken, and once we’re in Frankie’s room, he sits back on the windowsill next to me, struggling in silence.

As I look at Tobias, I wonder what’s going through his mind. I wish he found it easier to talk, but I guess that’s just many men’s way.

It’s strange how people deal with this kind of thing. I can’t seem to speak without crying. Tobias sits back silently. Travis and Antony talk and waffle about random things that don’t really matter to them. Tanner tries to lighten the mood with his sarcasm and goofiness while Dawn silently sniffles.

My dad actually surprises me. He is sitting by Frankie’s bed holding his hand and talking in whispers about the memories from their childhood.

I’m stunned when I hear him speak about my mum. “Remember that time when me and Sky snuck off and I asked you to cover for me? Man, was dad pissed. You took a right beating for me, and I never thanked you for that.”

I will Frankie to reply, but he doesn’t. He lies still, lifeless. I hope he can hear and that the people around him are giving him some comfort as he leaves this earth.

It’s just a waiting game, and we all take turns to be near him and talk about days gone by, better days when he was here.

When I come back from the toilet, Tobias is sitting by him. He thanks Frankie for being a great support. He asks him to say hello to his mama for him, and the pain stabs at my heart.

One positive about having no family or nice people around you is that you don’t have to go through this bullshit.

I suddenly see why my dad ran: he didn’t leave his family or the people, he left the heartache. He had been so shattered by the loss of my mum he had no room left to lose anyone else.

Burying his head in the sand, living thousands of miles away, throwing himself into work—it was all his way of protecting himself from this!

I join my dad by the window and wrap my arms around him. His smile appears as he pulls me into his warm embrace.

“Love you, kid,” he says as he kisses my hair.

It’s early morning when Frankie slips away, all the pain and agony gone, leaving a room full of distressed people and a town in mourning.

He was one of a kind, and I will always, always remember him as the man who wouldn’t put up with my shit and the man who made me see the woman I want to be.

Granted, I’m still working on that—twenty-three years is a lot of bad habits and poor decisions, but I’m on the right path, and Frankie played an immense part in guiding me to it.

I try not to look at his gray, lifeless face. I want to remember him sitting on his porch, waiting for me, rocking and chuckling to himself and debating the benefits of social media and Wi-Fi.

He was a true gentleman with morals and respect. Tobias and the other Kinsley boys carry a lot of that with them, and I’m sure Frankie played a part in that trait.

“Hey, shall I hang around here with you?” I ask Dad as the others get ready to leave.

“I don’t want to go back to his house tonight. Can we stay in Nashville? Go for a few drinks, the two of us?” he asks.

I’m surprised—we haven’t ever spent time together alone socially. Back in England, he had tried the last year since meeting his squeeze, but she was always there, so I never entertained the idea.

“Sure,” I say.

We say goodbye as everyone hugs and gives their condolences. Tobias hugs me extra tight when he comes to me.

“I’m staying down here tonight with my dad,” I say as he releases me from the hug.

He nods. “Good, your dad loves you. He just shows it differently.”

I nod in agreement. “Will you be okay?” I ask.

“Don’t worry about me, princess. I’m a big boy.”

“I do, though. I know how important he was to you, and I’ll come back with you if you want me to.”

He shakes his head. “I’ll be fine. We’ll probably end up back at my dad’s. I won’t be alone.”

“I know, but if you need to talk later or anytime, just call me.”

We head into the nearest bar after Dad calls to book us some rooms at a hotel downtown.

I order us a bottle of Jack. I hadn’t seen Dad drink Jack before, but Frankie told me stories about finding him drunk on dirt tracks when he had been out drinking Jack with the lads, so I figure a nostalgic drink might be nice.

“It never tasted better than in Nashville,” he says as he takes his first sip and closes his eyes.

“I’m glad you’re home, Dad, and I know Frankie was.”

“I’m glad you got to meet him and get to know him, El. I have been thinking a lot about our life here, our life before.”

I nod. I don’t want to interrupt because this is the new Nashville him.

“Your mother was so beautiful and clever. I fell in love with her the first time I saw her. She was in church wearing a pastel yellow dress. It was a hot July, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her in that damn dress.”

“Did she like you straight away?”

He shakes his head. “Nope, she hated me. She was a good church girl, and I was a cowboy, drinkin’ in honky-tonks and rolling around with my boys.”

I smile. “Who were your boys? Are they still around?”

“Some of them. I’m meeting up with a couple of them while I’m here.”

“Sounds good. I bet they won’t recognize you now.”

“Hey, I can still fit in my old Wranglers. We wore them better back then than these cowboys do now.”

We drink and talk into the night. It’s nice, and I don’t remember ever feeling this close or connected to my dad. Frankie would be proud that he was back here, back around his people.

We stumble back to the hotel late, and once my door shuts and my makeup is off, I cry. I let out all the emotion of the day and cry for Frankie.

I can’t believe he’s gone. It just doesn’t feel right. I don’t think it will hit me properly until I go back to the house and he’s not there.

I pull my phone out and look at pictures and videos of him. I smile to myself as I watch the video of him about to take his first and only spin in my car. He sure was a grumpy old boy!

On the drive home, I tell my dad about my photography. He never told me my mum loved to take photos, but he starts to tell me about her love for the camera.

I had spoken to Frankie about it, and he’d urged me to do it.

“Do something you love, Isobella,” he had said. “It’s not always about getting rich. Richness comes from within, something money can’t buy.”

He was a philosophical old git.

The days that follow are a bit of a haze. We spend a lot of time with Antony and his family. People from church visit. Dad and I spend time in and out of town—planning the funeral, sorting the bank and property.

We go for lunch at Sara’s, and my dad and her mum reminisce about days gone by. I learn more about my mother’s strong will and the temper that flared when other girls flirted with my dad.

I go on a horse ride with Tobias. He tells me about a song he’s been inspired to write about a man who lives alone and doesn’t find peace until the day he gets to join his love in heaven. It sets me off, but I can’t wait to hear it.

We attend a special service at church put on in memory of Frankie. Then, the day finally comes, the day we have all been dreading: the day we have to say goodbye to the amazing old man.