nine

her

it is decided;

south lee is

the ray of

sunshine that

comes into my

life.

because he is

the first person

in a lifetime who

is trying to help

out without cuffing

me to an anchor and

forcing me to talk

about how

fucking sad i am.

he guides me inside

a hall of screaming teens,

and i pinch his arm. he rubs

it and stares at me:

"what, rosemary?"

"where did you take me?"

"a concert. i like this

guy's music. i like to think

he wrote it based on a girl."

we sit in front,

the concert is free.

and we are early birds,

waiting for some boy to

come out and sing his feelings.

our surroundings

fill up and i am

struggling to breathe,

too many people are

too close to me.

"hi, i'm west tylers."

the handsome boy

sings about a girl

with the name of

a flower, and i wonder

if he ever loved her.

"this is about a girl

i once knew. i was

an asshole to her.

and i will always be

sorry for what i did."

but his words fade

in my ears.

i wonder if

i will ever be

lucky enough

to love anyone

and to be loved back.

i look at south,

who smiles at me.

"you're one of the

best people i know,"

i shout over the music.

south shrugs,

"i'm one of the

best people i know

too."

i laugh.

-

him

we walk the falling

streets, she is close

to the edge of the sidewalk

and i am terrified that she

might stumble and fall.

"rosemary," i take her

place and push her away,

"don't get yourself killed."

she hums and takes another

bite of the ice cream we're sharing,

she says that concerts get her hungry.

"wouldn't that be tragic."

i think of my mom and sisters,

who are staying at my grandpa's,

because my son-of-a-bitch dad

decided that marrying a black

woman and having four children

with her is a waste of time and left.

and i want to grab rosemary,

shake her shoulders and tell her

to shut up. because comments like

that aren't funny. because i found

my youngest sister trying to run

away; because her dad didn't love her.

"don't say that," i say.

"what?"

"don't say things like that."

she slows her pace,

"sorry."

we sit at a bench near

the last goal of the night,

and she gives me a half finished

cup of chocolate chip ice cream.

"thanks," i say.

we stay in silence for a

certain time, absorbing

the nature of life.

heavy thoughts

are held in the air

with frail strings.

"south,

how are you so happy?"

"what do you mean?"

"how are you so happy

all the time? how do you

not let things get to you?"

i look at her,

"rosemary, do you know me?"

my question catches her off guard. "y-yeah."

"no, you don't," i smile sadly. "you don't."

i let the wind

whistle in her ear

and say: "rosemary,

why are you so sad?"

her eyes greet the ground

and she fails to look away.

"because i am horrible.

i don't deserve any good.

i'm not sad, not exactly.

just that i don't care about

anything at all. sometimes i do,

but sometimes i don't. my mind

doesn't function properly.

when i think, everything overrides.

when i try to, i don't think at all.

i feel like i'm empty. i'm a hollow

shell of a human being.  a project

that went wrong."

she is so quiet,

but i want her to scream.

"sorry," she mumbles.

"don't be. the only time

you'll have to be sorry

is if you surrender to this."

"what?" she's confused.

i hold her face in my hands

and it is soft, braided with

fading scars that she never deserved.

"you are not your sadness.

you are a warrior. you are

strong and you're a healing

shell of the best girl i know,

besides my family. hell,

if you were a mistake,

you'd be one no one would

ever erase. because you're

indelible. and if you give in

to this sadness, you're giving up

on yourself. and that in itself

is the worst crime you could

do to yourself."

"i don't know how

to get better."

"rose, i'm not here to save you.

i'm here to help you save yourself.

i'm your friend, not your knight.

you are your own knight in shining

armor."