Chapter 1

Six Months later.

“Please Tori? I am begging you! Just this one time, I promise.” I listened to Maggie beg through my phones’ speaker as I watched little Tommy sleep in his cot. His tiny chest rose and fell with his little snores.

Maggie had asked me to babysit him while she went out with Nicole and Ashtin, her friends from her dark times, on a night of bar hopping. I had begged her to stay home instead and to be the responsible mother she was easily becoming but, once again their influence overruled mine. It was past midnight and I was waiting patiently for her to return in her expected drunk state instead, she was asking me for more time. I knew she needed to get out of the house but it irritated me that she would be so irresponsible about it.

“Maggie it’s almost one in the morning. I might not have school tomorrow but you still have an infant at home that needs his mother.” I replied.

“Come on Tori, all I’m asking for is one more hour. Ash heard of this great new club in the city centre and we really want to check it out. I never get to go out anymore. Please?” I hated being the mother hen in our relationship. It made me feel years older than what I was and for some reason that bugged me. I always wanted to be the free irresponsible one who had fun but even with Maggie having a baby, I was still the responsible one.

“One more hour and then you need to come home. The quicker you remedy your hangover the better you’ll be tomorrow morning when you actually have to take care of your child.”

“Yes! Thank you Tori! You are the best. I’ll see you soon.” Maggie ended the call and as I lay my phone on my lap I had a sinking feeling that I would come to regret my decision. Earlier that night I had begged Maggie to stay home. My nerves were on high alert that day and I had the nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. I could only hope I was proven wrong.

I laid my head down against the pillow in Maggie’s bed and after quickly looking over into Tommy’s cot alongside of me, I closed my eyes and let sleep overtake me. My sleep was restless as my mind kept me alert for Tommy’s cries and Maggie’s return. I tossed and turned until my body fell numb to sleep.

It was the sound of loud pounding and Tommy’s piercing cries that broke through my light sleep. “Maggie feed your child.” I mumbled and snuggled further into my pillow. The pounding grew more frantic as did Tommy’s cries. I shot up in bed and looked beside me in the double bed. The space next to me was unoccupied and seemed undisturbed. It looked as though Maggie hadn’t come home. I climbed out of bed and quickly gathered Tommy in my arms. “I know baby. Aunt Tori will get your food now.” I tried to quiet Tommy but his cries only increased. The pounding seemed to come from Maggie’s front door. “I’m coming!” I shouted and quickly prepared a bottle for Tommy. As I waited for the kettle to boil I walked towards the front door.

I was greeted by Mr and Mrs. Becket with tear streaked faces and puffy eyes. “What’s going on?” I asked and shifted Tommy to my left arm to rest my right. Mrs. Becket quickly reached for Tommy and I let her take him. “I was just preparing his bottle. Maggie isn’t home yet if you’re looking for her.” I opened the door further to welcome them in and wondered what their solemn moods were about. The pair found their seats in the lounge and looked at me expectantly.

“We need to talk to you Tori.” Mr. Becket said, his eyes never leaving his grandson.

I heard the click of the kettle and looked to the elderly couple. “Let me just get his bottle ready.” I left for the kitchen and though my body was going through the motions, my mind was speeding out of control. I had a bad feeling about all of it. I returned to the lounge and gave the bottle to Mrs. Becket who tested the temperature, much like I did, and then began to feed the starving oblivious boy.

“What’s going on?” I looked towards Mr. Becket who’s sagging cheeks hung lifeless and who’s patchy grey hair sat up as though finally deciding to rebel against its owner. His dark muddy eyes which, reminded me so much of Maggie’s, were downcast and blurry with tears.

Mr. Becket raised a shaky wrinkled hand to his lips as he tried to gather his thoughts. “We received a call earlier. There was an accident around two this morning involving Maggie and a street lamp.” I gasped as my eyes quickly filled with salty water and my throat constricted. I lifted a hand to my chest and tried to stop my emotions from flowing.

“What happened? Is Maggie okay?” I asked, desperate for a sense of relief.

The strangled cry from Mrs. Becket was all the answer I needed. “She died on impact.” Replied Mr. Becket; his voice breaking as he held onto his wife’s thigh.

“No!” I shouted. My face felt wet and I traced a finger along my cheek only to feel a heavy downpour of my own tears. I couldn’t see. I fell to the floor in a pile of abandonment and hugged my knees tightly as my sobs tore through the room. I let my head rest in my legs as I struggled for breaths through my cries. I had lost my best friend, my unofficial sister and twin in every way that truly mattered. I was nothing without her.

“It’s all my fault!” I cried. If I had only been more strict about her coming home or even offering to fetch her than she might still be alive. Instead I let her convince me and now her life was gone. I was always the responsible one and the one time I decided to loosen the reins, Maggie suffered. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jumped lifting my head away from my knees. Mr. Becket was on the floor alongside of me with his arms opened wide. I wondered how he was going to get back up again but decided to ignore the thought and fell into his arms.

His hug was warm and reminded me of Maggie. I cried loudly and horribly into his arms where Mr. Becket soon joined me. At some point I heard Mrs. Becket leave and then return and I assumed she had left to put Tommy down. My suspicions were confirmed when another pair of arms wrapped around me. Together we sat in a pile of grief as we cried for the loss of a life far greater than our own.

It seemed as though days had passed as we held one another, each of us greedily clinging to the others grief as though our joint sorrow made it easier. Eventually Mr and Mrs. Becket broke away and stayed on the floor hugging one another. The moment seemed so intimate and private as they silently held each other, that I felt like an intruder. I left to find Tommy, my only connection to Maggie. His tiny body lay in his cot; his eyes scanning his environment, seeming oblivious to the fact that he was now orphaned. I gathered his small frame into my arms careful not to drop him and held him as though he were Maggie.

After a few silent cries had dried, I decided to venture back into the small lounge where I found the elderly couple struggling to help one another up from the floor, each grunting with the laborious movement. Once both their feet were on solid ground, they fell with more grunts onto the thin cushioned couch. Their foreheads were blanketed with sweat though the air outside held a slight chill from the winter air. I sat in the only other available seat and breathed in deeply while I gathered my thoughts.

“What happens now?” I asked.

“We plan a funeral,” replied Mr. Becket.

“What happens with all of Maggie’s stuff, her house and Tommy?” I needed to know my godson was going to be okay.

“Maggie was smart. She dealt with our lawyer and drew up a will the moment she was sure about keeping the baby. Once the funeral is dealt with, we will then let the lawyer inform us about what happens next.” Mr. Becket sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I can only hope she had life insurance and that she made sure to mention the necessities in her will.”

“What will happen with Tommy until then?” I asked as I ran a gentle finger down his red cheek.

“He will come with us in the meantime. At least until his permanent arrangements are made.” I nodded, still in shock from the drastic turn of events. “We will inform you regarding the funeral. We assume you will be doing the eulogy?”

“If it’s alright?”

“Maggie wouldn’t want anyone else. You were as much her family as we were.”

“Thank you Mr. Becket.” He silently nodded in return.

The remainder of the afternoon was spent watching everything belonging to Tommy get packed away and taken along with him. Soon Maggie’s townhouse was empty of life, my own body included. I spent the night and many to follow in her house, crying into her pillows that soon lost her flowery scent. My best friend was no longer with me. Too many times had I wished to hear her soft laugh and see her dark brown eyes shine when they connected with Tommy’s’. I could wish my life away and yet, Maggie would never be near me again.

A week had passed in a blur, with my only recollection being the time I spent writing Maggie’s eulogy. I was informed by her parents that the funeral was going to be at their church on a Friday afternoon, exactly a week after I last saw her. I knew it was known as some silent act of respect or consideration for the deceased to wear black but, I couldn’t. Not for Maggie’s funeral. Maggie may have spent most of her time spent in lifeless colours but she was far from lifeless.

So for Maggie, I dressed in yellow. Her favourite colour.

I ran my shaking cold hands down my yellow sundress and tried not to shiver from the icy winter air. I clasped my hands in front of my body and stared at the building where I was supposed to say my goodbyes in. The large building stood fierce and welcoming with its large cross standing proudly on the roof. The mahogany doors were open wide where two ushers stood solemnly greeting entrants. There was no garden, only a wide barren paved parking lot which surprisingly housed a few cars.

My arms were burning from the cold and I could see my pale skin turn violet with few patches of deep blue. I was sure my lips were darker and every so often I could hear the clashing of my teeth but, I didn’t care. I welcomed the pain from the cold. Any physical pain I received was minor compared to the turmoil I was in emotionally.

“Tori, is that you?” I turned to see Mrs. Becket covered in a black pants suit along with a thick trench coat. She looked toasty. “Dear girl what are you doing in the cold dressed like that?” She made her way towards me and quickly wrapped her wrinkly sixty six year old arm around my small frame and rubbed her hands up and down my stiff arms creating a glorious friction. “Why are you dressed like that? Are you trying to get pneumonia?” She asked. I pulled away from her arms and stared at the ground.

“I need the pain.” I whispered with my face downcast. A warm tear stung my frozen cheek and I let it fall to the ground, watching it disappear on the pavement.