Chapter 30

“Hey Tori.” Dean smiled stiffly at me. I stood in his doorway looking grim and I hoped he didn’t know the real reason I had come to visit him.

“Hi Dean. Mind if I come in?” He nodded and opened his door wider for me. He hadn’t tried to kiss me and that strangely offended me which was dumb considering I was there to end the disruptive relationship.

“Tori,” Dean held my forearms and prevented me from entering his house completely. He looked unsure of what he was going to say next. “You should know that Kevin is inside.”

“What?” I whispered. “Why is he here?”

He sighed, “He came here to complain about you and how he was worried about you. I just told him about us right before you rang the doorbell.”

“Oh no,” I gasped. “How did he react?”

He frowned and rubbed his face with his hands. “He isn’t happy, in fact he’s furious. He broke my stereo speaker by kicking his foot into it. He’s brooding in silence right now.” He paused and glanced around cautiously. “Maybe it’s better if you leave now.”

I wanted to just because it was an easy way out but I was tired of running away. I could kill two birds with one stone. “No, I’m staying. I need to speak to both of you anyway.” He frowned but stepped aside so I could enter. I walked carefully towards the living room. Once I made it there I stopped still in my walk. The sight before me broke my heart. Kevin sat leaning against the wall with his back, his knees bent up and his head resting in his hands. His eyes looked red and blotchy from a distance. He sniffed occasionally. I watched as he took his hands away from his head and pulled with great force at his hair, his charcoal black and shinnying hair that I loved so much.

I took a deep breath in and breathed out. My body had already started to react to him. I wanted so badly to run to him and wrap his tormented body in my arms. I wanted to kiss his already swollen lips and kiss every tear away as it fell down his red and swollen cheeks. I wanted to tame his unruly and ruffled hair by stroking it with my fingers while we stared at one another passionately.

I wanted him but, he wasn’t mine. “Kevin.” I whispered. His body slowed in its movement and carefully his head lifted. His movements were stiff and precise and it reminded me of the same way a lion would seek out his prey. His eyes widened when they landed on me. At first his lips turned into a bright smile and his eyes were hopefull, but then Dean came up behind me and I watched anger rise in his eyes, the grey turning dark with ferocity. Without a word or sound, Kevin jumped from his seat and stalked towards me. I gulped in fear, afraid that he might lash out at me. Instead he surprised me.

Kevin engulfed me in a large hug and I responded. His familiar peppermint scent filled my senses and I sighed into his shirt. He held me tight for a brief moment and then he pulled away; his face in a furious scowl. “You’re alive.”

I nodded, “I told you I was.”

He looked to Dean and then back to me. “You’re dating him.” He snapped.

“Yes,” I replied.

“I told you not too.” He said as hurt flickered in his eyes

I sighed. He was so close and he looked so damaged and broken. All I wanted to do was touch him. I had to stop myself though. I was there for a reason. “Yes you did.” I tuned to Dean. “I need to talk to both of you. Can you sit down?” I looked to Kevin, “you too.” They nodded and found a seat making sure to sit far apart.

“So a lot has happened this past week. I got into a big fight with my parents which made me realise how badly my life had spiralled out of control. I didn’t recognise who I was anymore. I became very depressed and didn’t eat for days. I’m still not eating right just yet but I’m getting better. As a result of my depression, I lost custody of Tommy to Maggie’s parents. They agreed to take him until I’m healthy and focused on caring for him.”

“Tori, I’m so sorry,” interrupted Kevin. He stood abruptly from the couch and walked towards me.

“Don’t,” I stopped him before he reached me. “I appreciate your sympathy but I have a lot to say so please just let me.” He nodded and sat back down. I took a gulp of air and continued my monologue. “As I was saying, so things got bad and my parents and I realised that if I was going to get better, I needed professional help. I saw a therapist a few days back and she suggested I come clean about all my issues with the people in my life who are causing me anxiety. So I’m here to confess everything and then I’m leaving. I’m not going to stay to hear what you have to say. I’m going to speak without any interruptions and then I’m leaving in silence. You are going to dwell on my words and then if you feel there is anything I need to know, you can call me later when you’ve really thought about what I’ve said. Understand me?” They both nodded grimly.

I looked to Dean first, “You are such a fantastic guy Dean. You’re sweet and charming but most of all you're honest about what you want. It was one of the things that drew me to you. I loved that you knew what you wanted in life and went for it. I had always been with guys who played games and it was refreshing to be with someone who made his intentions known from the start. I didn’t have to guess and there was no chance of miscommunication.” I sighed and wrung my fingers.

“That being said, I was with you for the wrong reasons. I dated you because I needed a distraction. You helped me stop thinking. When I kissed you I didn’t think about my future or my fight with my parents. I didn’t think of Maggie when I was with you. And though that sounds like it could be a good thing, it isn’t healthy. You became my crutch. I disappeared from the world and my responsibilities, including Tommy, when I was with you. That isn’t right. You helped me disappear which is great in the moment but I never learnt to face my problems and deal with them like I’m trying to now. It isn’t fair to keep dating you Dean when I know I can’t ever feel for you the way you feel for me.” He frowned and I stepped closer to him. I reached for his hands and held them in my own.

“I can’t ever fall for you when my heart willingly chose someone else.” He closed his eyes in agony. He knew who I meant and I could see the pain my confession caused. “I’m so sorry for using you. I didn’t even know I was using you. When we were together I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing but I realised now that stringing you along is worse.” I reached up and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. His eyes closed at the contact and I knew this was our goodbye. I hoped it wasn’t forever but for now, our journey was at an end.

Dean was gracious enough to leave the room so that I could talk to Kevin alone. Either that or he needed to be alone after what I had just told him. I stepped closer to Kevin who sat frowning. “I’m afraid to hear what you have to say to me after that speech.”

I laughed bitterly and sat beside him. I stared ahead and said the words I’ve been hiding from for far too long. “I’m in love with you Kevin.” He gasped quietly and I ventured on. “I have been for quite a while. I denied it at first. I was afraid to admit my feelings because it made it too real for me. Admitting that I had fallen for you meant that my choice to stay away from relationships had failed. I was afraid to try again. I didn’t want to love someone completely and then have them leave me like Matt and Maggie. I did though, I fell for you hard Kevin. You rejected me though and it hurt. It’s because of you that I slipped into depression. I don’t want to put the blame on you but I’m letting you know how much you hurt me.

You fooled me. You played with my heart. I know in the beginning you resisted and I don’t know why you suddenly chose to give in but, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you never thought to tell me. If I’d have known you were engaged, I would have tried to stop myself from giving into the chemistry and connection we shared. You didn’t tell me so I went for it thinking I stood a chance. I don’t know if you ever felt anything for me but I choose to believe that you did and was just too afraid to take the chance. Whatever your true reason, I want you to know that I’m done fighting. It’s up to you now. If you believe in what we could have and feel anything close to what I feel for you, you’ll fight for us. If it was all just a game to you then we’ll part as friends after our project and pretend none of this happened. The bottom line is that I can’t keep guessing with you. You need to man up and tell me where we stand.” I finished my speech and walked out of the room.

I felt so much better. I was ready to reclaim my life. I wanted to get Tommy back and begin the journey of healing. I wanted to focus on Tommy’s development, our project and Maggie’s nearing birthday. I had an idea of how I wanted to spend it but once again, guilt covered me. I wanted to be alone on her birthday with just Tommy but I knew her parents wanted to make it a joyous and family filled occasion. I wasn’t sure I could handle a large group of people.

There was still time though. What mattered most was that I was closing the damaged chapters of my life and I was on the road to starting on a new page. It was time for me to write my story and I was going to make it a story worth reading.