ThirtyNine - Ella

The trek down the lake was quiet. Miles and Joel had overheard my conversation with Kyle - everyone had. It was a small building and even if people weren't trying to eavesdrop, and even if we were speaking fairly quietly, it wasn't exactly a private conversation.

I was a little embarrassed by it.

Had I really stood there and told him that I wanted to be priority? To treat me like one. Just put myself right the hell out there in front of half a dozen people and been rejected. So yeah, I felt awkward about it. And a part of me wanted to cower away and stay at the store so that I wouldn't have to spend a few hours with Kyle, but I had meant what I said. There seemed to be a theme with things going wrong.

The first time I was separated from them, I got lost in a horde of zombies and would have died if Hunter hadn't appeared out of nowhere like a ninja and saved my ass. Then I walked off with Zero, away from the guys who were my protection and ended up wired to a cross - yeah, I was still sporting sore wounds, lots of bruises and nightmares from that one. Leaving them in the lab hadn't seemed like a bad idea. Right up until I had to kill someone and Zero became a zombie snack. And then most recently... yeah, I wasn't down for anymore splitting up until this was over.

No one really tried to talk.

It was a lot like it was when we first met and set out toward DC. Minus the resentment radiating off Joel. That, at least, was gone. But Kyle was stoic. Not unfriendly, not cold. But not talkative and a bit reluctant to bring me along, even though he'd agreed to it.

I don't know what I had expected from him...

"Doing okay there?"

Miles stopped and waited for me to catch up. I was lagging several feet behind them, more to keep from having to deal with too much awkward than from just being slow. Though I was slow. I smiled at him and wiped the bangs plastered to my forehead with sweat away. It didn't seem right to be sweating this early in the spring, but the sun was beating down and without a cloud in the sky by midday, it was hot and I was sweaty.

"How long, you think? Until we're there."

"Where?" Miles asked for clarification.

"Hom—Hudson," I corrected myself, feeling strange about referring to place as home any longer. It wasn't really home. It had never been, but now referring to it as such felt wrong. He stopped walking, tilting his head to one side as the worked out how far we were from base.

"No problems and we move quickly, we can have you there in four days."

"Wow," I said to myself.

I knew things could go wrong. Obviously the way down they had estimated three to four days as well, but, well, that went to shit. I knew this could too, but it was still amazing to hear. In three days I'd deliver not only the virus, but a walking, breathing cure to Dr. Summers. The world could start to undo what I had helped do. It was a feeling that I couldn't quite describe. Even to myself.

"Excited to get back?"

That actually wasn't it at all. I mean, sure, I was a little excited to eat real food - I'd lost more weight than would be considered healthy in the last couple weeks. And I couldn't wait for a warm shower - and to actually wash my hair. Evidence of days old blood was still caked in my hair, hidden only by the dark color. I could really use some shampoo. But I didn't have anything waiting for me at Hudson. No friends, no family. I didn't have what everyone else here had. As makeshift and patch-worked as their groups were, they had people. People that were theirs.

For half a second, I thought I had people too. Or at least person.

That's what had been so disappointing. Having that idea, that feeling of home in another person, dangled in front of my face. And then having it yanked away, like silk, it slipped through my fingers.

Kyle making it clear that whatever had been between us was over hurt. I hadn't been ready for that to happen. But I knew it was coming. I wasn't sad the boy I liked wasn't down for a relationship. I was sad that person I'd grown closer to than most people I'd ever known - the one who had my back even when he hated me, who would (and did) kill for me - and I were parting ways. Permanently. It wasn't the sex I was going to miss, though, yes, I would fantasize about that for a long, long time. It was the sense of belonging.

"Mhmm," I hummed in agreement to Miles' question. If I wasn't going to say any of that to Kyle, I sure as hell wasn't going to blab my feelings to anyone else. "It'll be nice to get back to my regular routine."

He rolled his eyes and poked out the elbow attached to his injured arm, calling attention to it. "Clearly you've missed doctoring people up." He quiet for a long moment before asking. "That's really it?"

My lips twisted. "What do you mean?"

"You aren't going to make an effort to keep in touch?"

I grinned. "Of course. I'm sure I'll see you again. Probably with another bullet hole to patch up."

"Ha. Funny," he said dryly. "I wasn't talking about with me." He raised his eyebrows and nodded ahead of us, toward Kyle.

My eyes grew wide and I shook my head. So not having that conversation with him. Or anyone.

"What about you?" I asked, ignoring his question.

"Who knows. Maybe we'll head up the trip back to DC."

My stomach dropped with his words. The idea of them going back in to clean out those guys terrified me.

I was right though about one thing. We didn't run into any trouble. Didn't even have to kill a zombie.

And that evening we all set out again, well-hydrated and rested without a thing having gone amiss all day, I was optimistic.

Maybe this whole trip back would go smoothly.

We reached the church without any trouble, but no one was really feeling great about that.

"It's been too easy," Shauna voiced what I was sure everyone was thinking as the church came into view. "It's not like them to just let people go."

I wanted to think she was just a paranoid woman who'd been through too much. She was just scared. But what she said rang true to me. And to be honest, she didn't sound too scared. She didn't seem too broken. Every evening I'd seen her, four so far, she'd woken up with red, puffy eyes. I guessed she had been crying in her sleep, tortured by her own loss. But nothing about her seemed crazy.

These people had already hunted us down. Twice. The first time, they claimed to have done so because Zero killed their crucified zombies. So I found it a little hard to believe that after we'd killed so many of their people... seven? Eight? Was it awful that I had lost count of the number of bodies left in our wake.

I hadn't lost count of how many I was responsible for.

Two.

Three if I included Aiden in that count. And I did. I may not have pulled the trigger, but if he hadn't tried to save me, he'd have made it out of that whole mess alive.

"We deserve easy," Kyle said though his smile didn't reach his eyes. Sure, we deserved it, but that didn't mean it was real. I could tell he knew that which was probably why he hadn't insisted we had nothing to worry about. He was a guy who hoped for the best and prepared for the worst. He didn't like to sugarcoat things too much, but that didn't mean he wanted to be negative. People didn't need negative. They needed a leader; someone to motivate them and keep them going without bullshitting them all the time. He was good at that.

His eyes met mine and held for a long second. I started to smile - felt the corners of my lips tip up just the slightest amount at his attention. It the most I'd gotten from him since he'd reminded us both of the way things were. His eyes were darkened with something I couldn't quite read but before I could say anything, he blinked away. And then turned away. And then lead the way toward the church.

The distance sucked. Mostly because there was no distance between us at all, except that it felt like there was.

"There here, right?" Zero asked Hunter for what had to be the twentieth time today. There was no mistaking the excitement in her voice, or the longing. She had missed her friends greatly; I hadn't realized how much until now. She hadn't talked much about them since we'd parted ways and she didn't seem terribly upset, but it was clear now that she'd hated every moment of being a part from them. I felt bad that their meeting was only going to be brief before she had to separate from them again to come with me to Hudson.

Hunter laughed, humoring her. "This is where they were coming, sweetheart."

She sighed. "It looks like a nice place, doesn't it?" There was a hint of something similar to fear in the question, even though it was asked with a smile.

"It's a nice place," I assured her. "We spent a night on the way down, everyone was very kind."

Her nose wrinkled. "So they probably won't like me much."

I shrugged, unable to disagree. I didn't know how they would feel about her. Zero was kind of a strange duck. An acquired taste. But they would accept her into their fold, just like they had so many people who'd come through. And she would grow on them. I bet they would grow on her too.

Zero laughed lightly. "Thanks, Ella."

I returned her smile. "When we met, you wanted to kill me. And I like you."

"That's—"

"Hey," Hunter interrupted, pointing ahead. Zero followed his arm, squinting her eyes down to the church. Zero's lips spread into a wide grin and her eyes shined. She was close to tears as she took off in a sprint. As we got closer, I could tell it was Atlas was that waiting outside the church, having spotted us. Hunter chuckled next to me. Zero's enthusiasm had us all picking up the pace.

By the time we'd gotten close enough, Atlas had alerted anyone within earshot to our presence. A whole greeting party stood. Zero looked happily uncomfortable with Bambi and Squirrel hugging her tightly. Atlas met Hunter with a handshake that pulled into a brief hug.

"You were gone a lot longer than you said," Jamie accused Joel as he pulled her in for a hug.

I found myself on the outside again. Removed from the happy meetings. I wasn't the only one this time, Shauna stood looking about as awkward as I felt. Then Atlas grinned at me.

"Hey Mouse," he said, using the nickname he had dubbed me with when we first me. He surprised me by pulling me in for a hug. I flinched when he squeezed too tightly around my waist where I still had multiple gashes from the barbed wire. Some had probably needed stitches, but they were all starting to heal at least. He pulled away noticing my flinch. "You're hurt?"

"Just a little banged up," I said.

"Glad you made it back."

"Ella."

I turned to see who had called my name. Colby smiled. "How was your trip?" She asked her eyes wide. "We were all so worried when you guy didn't show up a week ago. The guys never take so long. What had you guys delayed? It must have been quite the trip, huh?"

Quite the trip. Well, that was one way of putting it.

"Colby! Get over here, girl."

Sometimes, I think Miles might actually be a superhero. It wasn't the first time he'd saved me from a situation I didn't know how to handle. I really didn't want to talk about anything that had happened since we left here. I didn't even want to remember it. It would certainly mean less nightmares.

"You all must want to get cleaned up," Mrs. Allen said with a warm smile. "I'm just going to make sure we have enough lunch going. Takes a lot to feed you boys." She chuckled to herself, walking back into the church.

"How many creeps you take out, Z?" Atlas asked as we walked out toward the well. My nose scrunched up at the topic of conversation.

"Lost count," she said proudly as if to say that meant she won their game.

Shauna got to the well first, quickly washing up. She had been the cleanest to begin with, but I think she was anxious to get back to the building. She'd offered to help with lunch and Mrs. Allen had graciously accepted. I think she really wanted to keep busy and I didn't blame her. It had only been days since she lost her husband and she hadn't had much time to let it soak in. I didn't think she really wanted to.

"See you guys back up there," she said, following Colby who'd offered to show her the way to the kitchen.

I hung back toward the end of the line. What I needed wasn't a rinse off of my hands and face. I needed to climb in the little trough and have a full on bath. I felt - and probably looked disgusting. I was very thankful for a lack of mirrors in the zombie world because I had no desire to see just how wrecked I looked. Honestly, I was sort of contemplating doing just that after everyone left.

"You'll have a shower soon," Kyle said, apparently reading my expression. I was a little surprised that he spoke to me after basically avoiding me for the last couple of days. But I smiled, because he was right. If there was one good thing about all this ending, it was the shower at the end of the tunnel. "Try to stay up until after dinner," he said. "Sleep tonight and we'll leave tomorrow."

I glanced at Joel, whose sister was still by his side, chatting away, and recalled what he'd said about being done. About missing his sister and feeling like he didn't need to be leaving her anymore.

"I was thinking," I said. "You guys don't really need to come back." I was speaking to Kyle but suddenly had the attention of everyone.

"You planning on finishing the trip by yourself?"

It was Miles who asked. Kyle was just staring at me like I'd sprouted a second head.

"No." I glanced at Zero. She and Hunter would go the rest of the way with me. I would be safe with them. It was just a day's walk. But I was sure she hadn't brought it up to Atlas who was right there and it wasn't my news to break. I hadn't thought this would turn into a big group conversation.

"Is this because—" Kyle began and my eyes widened.

"No." So I was lying. Just a little. But it was also because I knew they didn't really want to leave here, not right away. They didn't like Hudson, they didn't trust it. There was also the issue that Kyle suspected we may have been followed or tracked. He could have done it, so he didn't want to rule out the possibility that someone else could have as well. The people out here knew what they were doing, but with zombies. They needed the protection too.

"We'll be with her," Hunter said.

"You will?" Atlas asked immediately.

"Yeah," Zero said. She looked at her friend. "It's a long story, but it's just for a week."

Atlas made a disgruntled sound, not too pleased with his friends. He crossed his arms over his chest and smiled at Kyle. "I'll be with her too, then."

"We need to report their location," Miles said.

Hunter smiled. "Think I can handle it." He shrugged. "Just sayin' if you want to hang out. Chill and catch up with your friends." He nodded toward Jamie. "And family. You can. We got this." His smile turned cocky. "Don't know how clearly you're remembering things, Kyle. But I can still kick your ass."

They all laughed, their reluctance wavering as they realized that for all intents and purposes, their job was over. Hunter caught my eye and winked. My lips twitched. They were doing this for me. I mean, it made sense because they were coming along as well, but they jumped on board for me. They had my back. I sort of wanted to hug him.

"This is what you want?" Kyle asked looking the slightest bit hurt. Or maybe not. It was possible that I just wanted him to look a little hurt or disappointed and imagined it.

I didn't meet his eyes because I couldn't if I wanted him to believe I was unaffected. I lifted one shoulder. "Yeah. It makes sense. I know you guys don't like hanging out at the base if you don't have to."