Forty - Kyle

The food tasted like cardboard and it had nothing to do with the taste of the food. I had never had a bad meal here and based on the expressions around the room as everyone ate, I was the only one not quite enjoying the lasagna and homemade bread. I was surprised they had noodles left for it. It had been a while since we'd stocked them up, but usually we tried to make sure they were stocked on the staples. Flour, spices, and cooking oils, noodles of all variety and rice. Everything else, they made. The vegetables all came from the garden they grew themselves and the meat either came from their animals, or from trading with some of the other small communities.

It was the fact that tomorrow morning Ella was leaving, and she wanted me to stay here. I didn't like it. I didn't like that I didn't like it. Hunter, Zero, and Atlas could get her there alive. They were capable. And I knew Hunter would be on guard the whole time, not chancing anyone getting the jump on them again. Four people moved a lot stealthier than seven. Which meant that the sick feeling in my gut at her leaving without me had little to do with worrying she wouldn't be protected and more to do with the whole without me bit.

Though a part of me still wanted to demand we go, a bigger part of me knew that Hunter, Zero and Atlas could protect her. Further Zero had to go and Hunter and apparently Atlas were a packaged deal this time.

It made sense that Miles, Joel, and I hang back to take care of things here and watch for any danger. I wasn't the only one who felt that someone should stay back to protect the church. Just in case...

My mood didn't go unnoticed. Except maybe by Ella, who was doing a damn good job of pretending I didn't exist.

Dammit. This wasn't how I wanted things to go.

Problem was there wasn't a better option. If I tried to fix things it would make it suck more. The leaving. The end. We both knew this was goodbye. I could hunt her down when I'm on Hudson, but I knew I wouldn't. This was it. And that was okay. Sort of.

I glanced down the table at her, grinning at something Atlas said. Her hair, still damp from trying to wash it in the trough at the well, in a messy pile on top her head, several strands had fallen loose around her face. Was it wrong that I wanted her underneath me one more time? That I was thinking about how I could play my cards to make that happen. There was a chance she'd be down for it, she'd been the one to start this.

That was an asshole thing to think about.

But I was still thinking about it in the afternoon, doing patrols with Joel when I couldn't shake the feeling in my gut that something was wrong. Maybe we were just that good, staying off the well-beaten path. Maybe Lawrence's group just didn't feel like leaving their city to chase us down. It was possible, likely even, that we'd lost them. But in the pit of my stomach, it felt wrong. It would be so easy to pinpoint Hudson on a map, to figure out that was where we were headed and set up some sort of ambush. They had vehicles... they could be a solid week ahead of us. Just waiting. And the church was on the way. God knows if they saw it or thought twice about it.

We needed to stay here. Ella would be fine getting back. Hunter was smart and he'd know to expect something.

So I was out here with Joel, Miles and Atlas were doing laps as were Zero and Hunter. All of us looking for any signs that the church was being watched. That this group - Lawrence's group - might be monitoring the little community. Waiting for us.

"I don't know if I'm going back," Joel said breaking the silence.

My eyebrows shot up.

"To Hudson?"

He nodded. Stopping, he turned to face me silent for a moment as he pulled his thoughts together. "This isn't sitting right with me. I don't want to leave these people unprotected. I can't leave Jamie unprotected."

"Yeah," I said slowly.

"You feel it too? Something ain't right."

I did.

"You're staying then?"

I paused, stalking a few feet away when I spotted a zombie that was wandering toward the church. I reached out, grabbing the collar of the threadbare shirt it was wearing tightly enough that when its head yanked from side to side trying to chomp at my arm, it couldn't reach. In my right hand, I pulled my knife up and stabbed it through the head, a sickening squelch as I yanked the blade free and let the body collapse to the ground. I turned my attention back to Joel.

I shrugged knowing it was the right thing to do, but still not sure I wanted to. I paused before speaking, tilting my head to study Joel. "You're talking for now or forever?"

"I don't know, man." He shook his head, not meeting my eyes. "Forever."

"Huh," I said a little surprised. I'd known Joel's heart wasn't in it. Not like it used to be. And he was the only one with real family - blood - left. In so many ways, we were closer than most families, but we could also take care of ourselves. His sister was mostly defenseless.

"Just kind of feels like we've done more than our share there. This place could use us though." He sighed. "Shit, I don't even know how to tell them that we may have brought the devil back with us."

"They won't target the church." It felt like a lie. Leaving my lips, it felt like a lie.

"Maybe not. Unless they recognized us here. What I mean is, they aren't ready for that." He gestured back toward the main building. "Even if we stay, there's not much guarantee of surviving an attack but all those people on base, they have what's left of the US Military keeping them safe. Guns, explosives. Everything."

"I get it."

He chuckled under his breath. "But you still want to go with her."

I lifted a shoulder. There wasn't really any denying that. "She doesn't want me to go."

"Bullshit," he said as a thinly veiled cough into his arm. "Excuse me. I meant to say, bull. Shit."

"She was right. We don't need to be with her and if she doesn't want us there..." I lifted my hands in a what-can-you-do gesture.

"I'm sorry. Did you hear me call bullshit on that or did I stutter?"

"I heard you," I said, chuckling.

"You're an idiot."

"Because you know Ella so well?"

It was his turn to laugh. "Nope. Just know women better than you — I got this one." He walked over to take care of another zombie, this one stumbling with every step. Its left foot dragged a little, throwing off it's balance, but it still came toward us, relentless in its hunger. Joel sidestepped the zombie, grabbing onto its extended arm and twisting the limb behind its back to immobilize it before driving his blade in through its ear. "Man, you are one ugly mother fucker," he said looking down at the decaying corpse. Joel pointed at me with his bloody knife. "Ella likes you. She told you that in front of everyone and you blew her off, like a dumbass. You hurt her feelings and embarrassed her." He shrugged on shoulder. "I don't have to be an Ella expert to understand that."

"I need to stay here anyway. And I've only known her for a few weeks."

If a person could verbally roll their eyes, that's what Joel did. "Yeah. You do. If something happens here, we need you. I'm just sayin' don't blow her off. There's more to life than killing zombs, man." His scrunched up his face, like he really did not want to be talking about this and heaved a sigh. "Our periods are probably going to sync up from this conversation, you get that?" I chuckled but didn't respond before he continued. "Who gives a shit how long you've known her? If you love her, you love her. And I'm pretty fucking sure you love her." Frustrated he shook his head. "God, I gotta go... chop wood or drink a beer or some shit. Just call me fuckin' cupid."

He walked away, saluting behind him as he left apparently just deciding to drop bombs all around tonight.

Love her.

It felt foreign to even think. And the notion was ridiculous.

I didn't know her middle name or favorite color. I didn't know how she liked her coffee or she preferred tea.Weren't those things you knew about the person you loved? I liked Ella. Maybe even more than liked her. I cared for her. But I loved working. I loved knowing that I was keeping people safe and helping the world with every zombie I ended. If I loved her, I wouldn't have thought twice about giving it up. But I was. I didn't want to give it up.

Joel hadn't been talking completely crazy. We didn't need to keep ourselves tied to Hudson any longer, but even if I chose to stay here - make this place home I would still be the first to volunteer for runs and patrols. I would still be what I am. A soldier.

Ella and I... Images of her stripping down to just her underwear by the river, giggling beneath me, the night she'd crawled out of her tent and fell asleep in my arms, the sleepy smile that crossed her lips when I told her that I cared for her all roll through my mind. Reminders of everything that's already slipped through my fingers—no, not slipped through my fingers. I let it go.

I needed to find something to kill.

A handful of dead zombies and several hours later, I'd missed dinner and any hope at getting Ella alone for a couple of hours. Which was fine. Better than fine, it was a good thing. The only thing I managed to decide in my lonely patrol was that I wouldn't leave here tomorrow. The decision had nothing to do with Ella. And that was a lie. But it didn't have everything to do with her. And if I thought for a second she wouldn't be just as safe with Hunter I'd ignore whatever the hell she wanted and go anyway. No, I would stay behind at the church because I agreed with Joel. Everything had me on edge; like it was too quiet, too easy.

"Sure you're going to survive without us?" Joel asked Ella, grinning. I didn't have to look her way to know she was rolling her eyes.

"It'll be your aggravated grunting that I'll miss the most," she said, smirking. "And the brooding glares," she said, teasing. "It'll be hard to get by."

"Come on," he said and then pulled her in for a quick hug. Joel wasn't great with goodbyes, so I was a little surprised he came out to see them off at all.

Pulling away, Ella shook her head, chuckling softly. "You know, I never thought I'd say it, but I might actually miss you."

"Might?" Joel laughed.

"Okay," Ella conceded, scrunching up her nose in distaste. "I hate goodbyes. So just, you know, don't be a stranger when you're back at Hudson."

I expected him to tell her that he wasn't going back. He was done working for anyone that wasn't himself. But he nodded and lifted up a hand to say goodbye before he walked back into the chapel.

"You can always come back out here," Miles reminded her.

"I'll keep my tall fences and high security," she said though it sounded like a lie and, not for the first time, I wondered why she wasn't staying here. Or why she didn't plan on coming back when Zero did. I knew she liked it here. She liked Zero and Hunter's people. She'd spent most of dinner laughing with Atlas and in the evening she'd found some string and sat with Squirrel and the one they called Gremlin, whose real name I couldn't remember even though I knew she'd said it more than one, and taught them how to braid the string into bracelets until Zero pulled her away to ask more about the base. She was, understandably, nervous and a little suspicious about going.

She fit in here.

So it didn't make a lot of sense for her spend more time on Hudson than she had to, but that was her plan.

"Keep an eye on the kids?" Hunter said, holding out a hand. Nodding, I shook his hand. "We'll get her there safe."

"I know it."

He smirked. "Then wipe the worried look off your face. Listen... I know you don't think the base will give us any trouble" He paused, considering how to go on. "Two weeks. If Zee and I aren't back in two weeks it's because they won't let her leave."

"I understand. We'll come."

"Thanks," he seemed a bit relieved, like he'd been worried I would try to placate him. I wouldn't. I didn't think they would force Zero to stay, but I wasn't sure. I knew they wouldn't be happy when tried to leave though. I just didn't think they'd physically stop them. I wasn't ruling it out though.

"I'm more worried about what you'll run into before you get to base."

He nodded. "I know. Don't be," he said with conviction. "I know what I'm doing. Zee and Atlas are pretty damn good too."

The girls who were in Zero's group were all teary-eyed, heartbroken that their people were leaving again so quickly. They all said their goodbyes and I was sure they would have stayed outside, watching them walk away if Rev and his wife hadn't come outside to shoo them back in for breakfast duties. Ella turned away with Zero, Hunter and Atlas. She didn't even look at me as they started off.

Not sure how to feel about - okay I knew exactly how I felt about that. I fucking hated it. I should have walked away, inside, but I couldn't. I leaned my shoulder against a column and watched them walk away.

"Hang on," I barely heard Ella's voice when they reached the end of the walk where a waist height gate offered some semblance of protection around the front of the building. She dropped the backpack and turned around, looking a little awkward with her decision to come back for something. I wasn't sure just what that was until she came to a stop right in front me, straightening, I looked at her with question in my eyes as she chewed on her bottom lip.

"I, uh..." She wrung her fingers and then finally met my eyes. "I don't think I said thank you for everything." Her lips twitched into a hint of a smile. "I think I would have lost my mind if it weren't for you."

After a second of hesitation, she stepped closer and lifted to her tip-toes to wrap her arms around my neck. My arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her in closer and squeezing without pause. I don't know how long I held her but I think I could have forever. It was painful to pull away.

When I finally did, she held my gaze, hands still on my shoulders like she was a little reluctant to let go as well.

"If you're ever back on Hudson..." She let her fingers fall from my shoulder and trail down my arm all the way to my palms before dropping to her sides.