FortyOne - Ella

They were more nervous than I was, which was saying something because I'd never seen them this way. Scared, sure, but nervous and suspicious. I studied Zero and Hunter, trailing behind a few steps. I could see it between them - practically feel it. We were a full day's walk away and they were already calculating how to get out.

Did they not trust me?

I didn't think I had given them any reason not to trust me, though I wasn't exactly sure I earned it either.

Still, it was hard not to take it a little personally. It wasn't like I was delivering them to their deaths.

"Can I ask you something?" Atlas said. He'd been walking slow with me. I think they were worried if I was last I'd wander off and die or lag to far behind. That wasn't the case though. We were almost there. Almost. And I wanted to be done. I wanted this off of me.

"Sure."

"Why aren't you coming back with us?"

He wasn't the first one to ask me that. Hunter had last night, so had Squirrel and Gremlin... and Colby, even Mrs. Allen asked.

You would think after being asked half a dozen times I would have come up with a good answer. I hadn't. It wasn't as though I was a terribly valuable asset to the find-a-cure team and as soon as I delivered the live, original virus I wouldn't be able to offer much help at all. I was intelligent, but I had nothing on the doctors running this thing.

I didn't really have a place at Hudson.

It just... wasn't the plan.

I didn't think I was bold enough to live outside their high walls. Even if Kyle thought they were on the verge of crumbling to the ground. They had guaranteed meals. Hot showers.

Lots of people with lots of weapons.

No they weren't perfect and I wasn't sure I was happy there. I wasn't sure I would ever be. But they offered a piece of normalcy. I'd learned so quickly that everyone, myself included, living on Hudson was trying to live as though the zombie outbreak ever happened. Trying to live lives as normal despite the fact that normal was long gone. So was safe. But maybe... maybe I wanted to keep pretending.

I didn't want to admit that to anyone though.

I'd gone out there. Experienced the world. And wanted to crawl back into the only place I knew to be relatively safe.

Maybe if things were different—but they weren't.

I shrugged. "It's just where my life is now."

"I can respect that," he said nodding. We went back to walking in relative silence. But I don't think that Atlas was really a silence kind of guy if he didn't have to be, so it wasn't long before he spoke again. "But Mouse?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Really sticking with that one, huh?"

"Yep," he nodded, grinning. "You got a name. You're one of us if you want to be."

Something about the earnest way he said that got to me. One of them. Huh.

It was a mostly quiet walk from the church to Hudson. Zero, evidently feeling great again, and Atlas were quick to take on any zombies, or, as they liked to call them, creeps that got in our way. Some of them weren't even in our way, but one or the other would run out to get one to keep the score matched, or get one up. They could play their twisted killing game all they wanted if it meant I didn't have to. I was pretty sure I had enough killing to last a lifetime. I was really quite okay never ever killing anything again. Ever.

Someone must have been watching from a tower. I didn't know how these things normally went, other than what Joel and Miles had told us to do, so it was a little alarming when several armed men came through the gate, shooting each of the zombies in their path and then training their weapons on us.

Is this how they treated all visitors? If it was, I could see how might scare civilians away.

We all stood, our hands raised in the least threatening way possible toward the sky.

"State your business," one of them barked.

"I'm Ella Fairchild," I said, my voice only shaking a little. "I went out with Kyle Russell's runners... for Dr. Summers."

I didn't know how much I was allowed to say. People didn't know Dr. Summers was actively working on finding a cure. I was sure some suspected or hoped as much, but it wasn't common intelligence. Before speaking with them, Kyle, Miles and Joel hadn't known either. Most people assumed a cure wasn't possible and to hear Dr. Summer's say it, she didn't want to give false hope to the entirety of the base. So I kept vague.

"Russell?" The guy's eyes widened and his voice was a little less harsh. For about half a second until he realized I was standing here sans Kyle, Joel, and Miles. "Where the hell are they?"

One of the other guys standing so that I could just see him in the corner of my vision lifted his gun and shot a zombie getting too close. I looked around to see more coming our way, the commotion and gunfire attracted them away from the fence line.

"Any chance we could discuss this inside?"

He took aim at me again.

Guess not. "Joel. He, uh, he didn't make it. Kyle and Miles are taking it really hard. They felt like they needed to stay back, be with his little sister." I stopped there and gestured with a nod of my head to the others. "This is Zero, Atlas, and that's Hunter, he's known Kyle and Miles and Joel for a long time. We ran into them out there and they offered to bring me the rest of the way."

"Dead?" The guy asked as if he found it hard to believe as he dropped his weapon to a relaxed hold. "Shit." He hung his head, shaking it for a second and then met my gaze. He held out a hand. "James," he said. "Lets get you guys in there, looks like you've had a helluva time."

"You expect me to just give you my guns?" Zero was just this side of outraged that anyone wanted to disarm her.

"And your knives," James said with a curt nod. "Protocol."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "You still have yours."

He smirked. "I'm on duty."

"I'm not giving you my weapons," she said, refusing to back down.

"Then you won't be allowed any further."

She spit out a derisive laugh in his face.

"Come on, Sweetheart," Hunter said, his voice low in her ear. "Just play along."

She didn't want to though. She already didn't trust this place and now they wanted her guns. No one had told them they might take their weapons, probably because while they were on base, Kyle and pretty much any runner always carried their weapons. This hadn't been planned for, but I could tell that at least Hunter wasn't surprised by the condition. I doubted Zero was either, she was just a lot less willing to let it slide.

He whispered something else in her ear, much too quite to be overheard and Zero's attitude changed. Though it was more of a snarl, Zero smiled at James as she unloaded her weapons onto the table and gestured for Atlas, who'd been patiently waiting to follow her lead, to do the same.

I was only carrying one knife. One that I probably should have left behind - I had tried to so many times before, but in the morning as I packed up everything for the last time, I couldn't just leave the knife behind. I didn't give it up. But even if they thought I had a weapon, they didn't care. I was harmless. A scientist sent out with soldiers. What damage could I really have done anyway?

If James thought Zero gave in way too suddenly, he didn't seem to care. He was just grateful to be done with the argument. I knew he probably should care more, but I sure as hell wasn't going to say anything. Zero wasn't a psycho about to go on some murdering spree of innocent civilians if she had a gun or knife. She just wanted to be able to protect herself.

Unarmed, James offered to take us to one of the mess halls, but I think we were all anxious to get this whole thing over with because no one argued when I told him that we'd be fine getting to the clinic on our own.

"We'll make sure they're aware you're on your way."

I got the feeling that that statement was less of a friendly courtesy and more of a threat. Like, you better actually get to the clinic or else... I wasn't sure what the unsaid "or else..." part of his statement was, or why he seemed on edge letting us go off alone. Maybe it was just protocol.

"Thanks." I grinned and turned away from him, leading the way.

"How far is the clinic?" Hunter asked.

"Not far."

"Mind if we make a stop?"

"Where?"

"Kyle's room," he said simply. "You know where it is?"

I shook my head and he cocked his to the side.

"Oh, I thought-"

"Nope. Never met before this trip. What's in his room?"

He gave me a look that said he really shouldn't have to answer that question. "He told me the number, just thought it'd be easier if you already knew the way."

"What's the number?"

Zero relaxed as we made our way through the maze of train cars and I figured out real quick that Kyle must have extra means of defense in his room. Maybe they did consider that their weapons would be taken and Kyle offered a backup. We found the locked door, not that it was much of a problem when Hunter pulled out the key and opened it right up for us.

The room was mostly empty. He shared it, but my guess was that his roommate was either Miles or Joel because it was clear that no one had touched anything in the room for some time. Both beds were still neatly made and a chest that matched the one in my room sat on the floor at the foot of the bed. Hunter pulled it open and tossed the extra blanket on to the bed. I leaned over peaking inside.

"Hot damn," Atlas said grinning. "This is insane."

Hunter didn't wipe the grin off his face. "That one's Miles. He should be every bit as prepared—"

"For what? This isn't prepared for zombies, this is like prepped for an all out war." Atlas lifted something out of the way, shuffling through the chest. "Holy shit! He has grenades in here."

"Grenades?" I asked. "Would those even be useful against zombies?"

"Not as useful as they are against living people," Hunter said, his words weighing heavy.

"They're smart," Atlas said. "Prepared for this place to be attacked."

"Or prepared for this place to attack," Zero said.

Atlas looked at Zero like she was paranoid, but her words made the most sense.

"I knew he didn't trust them, but this? Why stay and keep working here if he was this worried about it?"

"Hope for the best, prepare for the worst," Hunter answered. "There's a lot of people here and I bet most are good. Kyle wanted to help the good."

That made sense. Miles had said it the day we first me. They liked to save the day. Be the hero. At the time I sort of thought it was a joke, but I can see how it was also truth. They worked where they could save the most people, even if it meant not trusting anyone. Except each other.

"Grab a gun," Hunter said. He looked at Zero meaningfully. "Just one. If this is bad, if something is wrong and they don't let us leave. We just need to get back here and then we can get out."

"You're with us, right?" Zero said and they all looked at me.

Was I?

"Yeah." Jerkily, I nodded my head. "If they try to keep you against your will, I'm not staying."

Atlas grinned. "I knew you'd change your mind."

"I—"

"No time to argue," he cut me off. "Time to go."

Atlas lead the way out of the room, leaving no time for anyone to stop him. Zero and Hunter follow, the latter nudging my shoulder. "I think you remind him of someone he knew before."

"Should probably close this," I said and walked back to the chest. I started to close it, but stopped, noticing something that wasn't a weapon. I was snooping and it was wrong, but I was a little curious. I reached in and grabbed the glossy picture. Turning it over made me want to cry a little. Kyle, a much younger, smaller, and goofier Kyle stood grinning the way I'd only seen him do a few times. His head was tilted to the side and his elbow was resting on the shoulder of his lookalike, a couple years younger.

I started to pocket the picture but caught sight of Hunter's arched brow. Feeling stupid, I quickly tucked the photo back into the chest and nudged it closed.

"Let's get this over with," I said, ignoring Hunter's chuckle as I walked by him and out of the train car.

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A/N - Hope you guys are enjoying! You've officially stuck with me (Ella, Kyle, Hunter, Zero, etc...) for very nearly 120k words and that is just awesome! Look for another update tomorrow evening! :]