Five - Ella

Hope you're enjoying Guilt thus far! Look for chapter 6 on Friday :]

Five - Ella

They were right about me. I wasn't cut out for this. I felt like I needed and oxygen tank to make it another step by the time we stopped. I couldn't even remember the last time that I walked so much. Hudson wasn't all that big and since I'd been there from the start, I was relatively close to everything. Even before that, my days were spent in labs and classrooms, not in the gym or on hiking trails. By the time the small community had come into sight, my lungs were worn, my feet were sore and blistered, my shoulders and back ached and I wanted to sleep for three or four days. I couldn't even really be offended that they all thought I wouldn't last a week out here. After the long day of walking, I didn't think I'd last a week either.

But they were still assholes for saying it out loud. For making bets about it. Well, maybe not all of them, but two of three was more than enough. And it wasn't like Kyle had jumped up in my defense.

Maybe they were right about my survivability, but I was hurt and pissed.

The only blessing was that Miles had been right, our path was mostly zombie-free. All the roads we took were old farm roads that were well off the highway and thus away from too much in the way of civilization. I wasn't going to kid myself into thinking I would remain that way, especially since we our destination was smack dab in the middle of a city, but right then, that had been enough.

I tried not to seem to excited at the announcement that we'd be spending the night at the church since it was clear that they weren't happy with our progress today, but I couldn't stop myself from smiling.

"A new face," an older man said as he stepped up to me. He was dressed in slacks and a button down shirt that had the top two buttons undone and was wearing a warm smile that caused the wrinkles around the corners of his eyes to become more pronounced.

"Ella, this is Reverend Allen," Kyle introduced. "Rev, this is Ella. She works in the clinic at Hudson."

He took both of my hands in his and gave me a warm smile. "Feel free to call me Ian. Most people here don't stick with the formalities unless it's Sunday."

"Sunday?" I asked, surprised at the implication. I'd never been to church in my life. It wasn't something my father believed in. But I'd heard more than my fair share of religious people lament over why God would allow such a fate to be unleashed upon us. So many had lost faith in anything beyond this that I assumed everyone did. "I didn't know anyone still had faith."

Kyle's jaw dropped, as he tried to silently communicate that I should shut up, but the reverend wasn't offended. "Now more than ever, we need to put our faith in the Lord, Ella. We hold a service every Sunday, just like before."

I didn't know what to say. As someone who never really had an opinion one way or another about the whole God thing, I wasn't sure what to even think about what he was saying. It seemed like an antiquated idea to me. Getting together to pray the zombies away wasn't going to work, but I wouldn't insult someone kind of enough to take me in for the night. I just smiled not wanting to risk opening my mouth and promptly putting my foot right in it.

"Have these young men been kind to you today?" He asked, changing the subject. "You look exhausted."

"They've been patient," I said and I meant it. Though I know at least one of them wanted to leave me behind at some point and I heard more than one muttered comment through the course of the day, they weren't outright rude or impatient. Even Joel, though I got the feeling he barely tolerated my presence, wasn't outwardly malicious. "I'm just fine." I would not complain. They thought little enough of me as it was. But if I didn't sit down soon, I thought I might collapse.

"Joely!" A little girl, maybe ten or so, ran down the steps of the church and threw her arms around the brooding man who's spent the day sighing and muttering insults under his breath and glaring at me. "I missed you," she squealed as he lifted her off the ground and swung her around.

"I missed you too, squirt." Gone was a hateful glare and brooding presence, he was all smiles and joy. Seeing his ability to be so kind made it that much harder to take his hatred. He wasn't an asshole to everyone. I was special. And yeah, I knew why and I definitely deserved it, but that didn't make it suck less. When he set her back on her feet, she let her arms fall to her side and that's when I realized what she was missing. Her left arm from the just below the elbow was gone. She said hi to the other three men.

"Who are you?" She said to me.

"No one," Joel said before I could even open my mouth to speak.

The little girl gave him a look and then rolled her eyes. "Sorry my brother has no manners."Brother? I glanced at Joel, but looked away the second I met his hard, cold eyes. She held her right hand out to me wearing a large smile. They had the same blond hair and dark blue eyes though hers were filled with light instead of hate. She kept her hand out until I grabbed on. "I'm Jamie."

Her smile was infectious. "Ella."

She scrutinized me. "You don't look like a soldier."

Someone laughed behind me. "I'm not. I work in the clinic."

Her eyebrows shot up. "Like a doctor?" Jamie asked, excitedly.

"Uhh—"

"No, Jamie. Not like a doctor." Joel cut in.

She ignored him. "How old are you?"

Her excitement was contagious, I couldn't help but smile in return. "Almost twenty-two."

"I'm eleven," she said proudly grinning.

"Jamie," Joel snapped. "She's not here to be your friend." He hauled her inside the building, leaving us all behind. Reverend Allen - I didn't feel comfortable calling him Ian - welcomed us to make ourselves at home before excusing himself.

"Jamie's arm?" I whispered to Kyle, but I didn't really need confirmation. Guilt flooded me. He didn't have to answer for me to know that if I'd stopped this like I should have Jamie would still have two arms.

"She was bit when things first got crazy."

It was clearer than crystal while Joel was so hostile. His little sister survived... barely, but she did. It left me wondering who hadn't. There are things Jamie will never get to experience the same way again, and since I doubt the amputation was done by a surgeon, she may experience pain in some degree for the rest of her life. He blamed me for all of that. And rightfully so.

"Ella?" Kyle said, interrupting my thoughts. When his hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing once in reassurance, I looked up at him. "Let's get inside." He smiled. It was a good smile, and more than just in how amazing it looked on his face. It was reassuring, like he knew what was going through my mind. "Mrs. Allen puts the chow hall food to shame. Usually we pass through long before dinner," he said cracking a smile. "So if you think about it, it's actually a good thing you slowed us down." Kyle winked and with him acting all friendly and looking... well, like he does - seriously, dark hair mixed with those blue eyes are enough to make any girl's knees weak; not to mention the smile - made it difficult to remain unaffected.

But I didn't want to make the mistake of letting my guard down before I knew I could trust them. And right then, it really seemed like they might get me as far as the city to get H-26 and then ditch the dead weight.

Time to nip this in the bud.

My lips twitched but I didn't smile. "It's nice of you to try to make me feel better, but I prefer the silent, broody thing you had going on."

"Broody?"

"Intense...broody... take your pick." I took a deep breath. "I heard you guys talking about me," I said not wanting to play the game. He was acting nice enough, but I knew what they thought of me. I'd heard it pretty clearly because, for a bunch of men trained in being sneaky, they have trouble keeping their voices to a whisper when someone is peeing five feet away. I would have rather he go back to barking orders with his scary voice, but this being friendly to my face while making bets on how quickly I'll die, it wasn't my cup of tea. So I looked Kyle in eyes, the intense, deep blue eyes that were warm a moment ago but were now dark with guilt. "I told Miles and now I'll tell you. I didn't sign up for this hoping to make life long friends. This isn't summer camp. I got that. You don't have to pretend to like me."

I walked into the church ahead of Kyle, unwilling to look back. I was a giant bitch, I knew that. But I was also right. I didn't want to be fooled into thinking I could rely on any of them past getting me back to Fountain Labs.

Inside was bustling. I'd always thought churches to be quiet, serene places but this was nothing like that. Most of the pews that I was sure once filled the room were gone, or re-purposed, only four long pews sat positioned in front of altar where I guessed they still held service every Sunday. Some of the missing pews were acting as benches for long tables in the room. People were casually setting some of the tables up for dinner, shooing away others who were playing games on them.

The small chapel seemed like the center of it all. A game room, prayer room, dining room... even though it was busy and loud and not a single person had said a word to me yet, I felt welcomed. A couple of the people, busy with chores smiled in passing as I looked around the room, admiring the community. I could see why people would choose this over the base. They didn't have running water or the same access to security and medicine, but they had a real community.

"You look a little overwhelmed." A girl said as she approached me. She looked about my age, give or take a few years, I never could tell.

"Just taking it in," I said honestly. "I didn't think places like this existed."

"Ah," she drew out, nodding. "It's hard to feel like you aren't the last ones alive."

"Yeah, I guess it is." I shifted my weight from one foot to the other and tried to reposition my bag since the straps had been digging into my shoulders.

"Oh goodness. I'm so sorry," she immediately said. "Let me show you where you can stay the night."

Before I could agree or decline the girl grabbed onto my elbow and hauled me along behind her. We went out a back door of the church and into an annexed building that seemed to be set up as sleeping quarters.

"Now, there's an extra bunk in this room," she pointed to one door that was filled with four sets of bunk beds. "That's where I sleep. You are more than welcomes to stay in there. But the rest of your team usually takes this room." She pointed to another room further down the hall that had the exact same set up. She waited, seemingly for me to chose a room, but I wasn't sure. Part of me wanted to keep as much distance between the three men and me while the other part thought it was probably a good idea to remain close to them. Seeing my indecision, she smiled. "You can throw your bag in there if you want and decide later."

I walked into the room and got out the backpack, letting it drop to the floor and immediately felt a thousand pounds lighter. I nearly collapsed to the ground but just managed to stay upright. The girl who showed me the way flashed a smile.

"I'm Ella."

The girl giggled and held out a hand. "Oh right. I didn't even introduce myself. I'm Colby. We don't get a lot of new people here," she told me with a laugh. "Guess I've lost my manners. Anyway, we don't have the fancy running water like your base, but if you want to wash up a little before dinner, I can show you the way."

"That would be amazing," I said thinking I might have killed someone for the chance to splash water on my face.

Colby lead me through the building and out another door. The church, located in a rural area, had plenty of land, so I wasn't all that surprised to see several people outside tending to a garden. It wasn't huge, but I imagine it was plenty enough to support the people living here. Everyone out here seemed so relaxed. Two men laughed as they pulled weeds and several children ran around and between the clothes hanging up to dry, completely ignoring the exasperate expression on their faces of the lady clothes-pinning everything to the line. Even through her frustration, it was easy to see she was amused with the children's behavior.

"We have a chicken coup too," Colby said, noticing my admiration of this little community. "It's around the way." She waved one hand toward the other side of the building where I assumed the chickens were kept, out of sight. "Come on, the well it out this way."

I follow her down to the well which isn't too far out and is located in a fenced in area. Colby explained that they didn't have enough people to place someone out by the water and when a zombie came close to falling in a few months back, they built up the fence. No one wanted to risk a contaminated water supply. A pump running out of the well poured water into the trough as Colby pumped it for me when it was full enough that I could washed my face and hands she stopped pumping.

"Oh, looks like we have company," she said cheerfully as I washed my face. "Hey strangers!" She called out. I glanced up from the water in time to see Miles, Kyle, and Joel walking our way. I barely held back a sigh. We'd only been together for a day, a long day, but only one of them and I already needed a break. Colby's smile had been enough to let me know that she was more than pleased to see them. Apparently everyone loved the trio, and I understood why. Since we arrived Joel and Miles had been nothing but smiles and kind conversation. Kyle was the only one who didn't quite let go of his more silent, less smiley persona I'd gotten used to in the ten hour walk. It seemed Joel's attitude was as a direct result of my presence. I half expected him to announce to everyone who I was, turn the whole church against me, but hadn't. At least not yet.

"Driving our newest team member crazy yet, Colby?" Miles asked.

Miles threw his arm around my shoulders in a fond manner that had me stunned in confusion. While he'd definitely been the friendliest of the bunch, I'd overheard enough of their conversation to know he didn't care for me anymore than the other two and after I'd called him out on it, his attitude toward me cooled. Right up until he threw his arm around my shoulders. Something told me this was Miles' version of an apology. Just move on and pretend like it never happened. Oddly enough, I was totally okay with that.

Colby giggled and locked her eyes onto Miles. "Just showing her around since none of you men could be bothered," she said, teasing, but I heard the accusation behind the lightness of her tone. She looked at each one, taking them in before stepping forward and greeting each one with a hug. I stepped away, putting space between us, when Miles let me go to hug the girl, not wanting to be trapped again. He was a big guy and he had carried a lot of weight for many hours and his arm pits were just way to close to my nose to be all cuddled up. "We've miss you guys out here. No one's scared the kids into behaving in months."

"Scared the kids?" I couldn't help but ask the question.

Colby rolled her eyes, but smiled as she looked at me. "Now, we get some travelers. We're used to people with crazy stories, but most wait to share 'em until the kids have gone to bed. Last time your friends were in town a couple of our younger kids had been wandering off further and further - they forget the dangers, you know? But these three? Well, they put the fear into the kids with their zombie stories."

"Still sour about that, Col?" Miles asked.

"You're lucky I like you so much," she said smiling up at him.

While they talked, Kyle walked around to stand next to me at the trough and began washing his hands and Joel joined on his other side.

Joel cleared his throat next to me and it wasn't until a louder, more insistent clearing that I realized he'd been trying to get my attention. I looked over at him, startled by how closely he was standing. He wasn't as tall as Kyle, or Miles who towered over everyone, but he was a good head taller than me and I had to tilt my neck to look into his eyes. His tight smile looked forced and I imagined he didn't really want to be talking with me.

"I know everyone's lost people," he began in a clipped tone. "Jamie and I managed to survive it, but not whole. We lost everyone else. And here you are jumping up and down, willing to take the blame." He shook his head as a bitter laugh escaped his lips. "Point is, I apologize for taking my shit out on you. It won't happen again."

I bit back a smile because if we were going to have some semblance of a truce between us, it was probably best if I didn't laugh at his apology. But he sounded like a three year old who'd been told to apologize and even given a script. Which meant either Kyle or Miles had told him to play nice, which I appreciated. And my bet was on Kyle based on the way Joel glanced at the guy standing behind me after delivering his apology.

"Thanks, Joel." I offered a smile. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry that you lost everyone."

He shifted on his feet. "Yeah. Well, I'll see you at dinner," he said and crossed to where Colby and Miles were still talking and joined their conversation several feet away. Letting myself smile now, I turned to face Kyle. I had intended to ignore him - to ignore all of them for as long as possible, but maybe I'd been wrong. I had trouble staying mad when people were acting nice, and having his friend apologize was a nice thing. Kyle was quiet

"You found the room okay?" He said before I could thank him for speaking with Joel.

I nodded.

"Come with me for a sec?" It sounded like a question, but I didn't really feel like I had a choice. So I nodded again and shook my hands out to air dry them as I followed Kyle off. Laughter followed us from the trough as the three still loitering spoke to each other. I stayed quiet trailing behind him for a while without asking where he planned to take us, but when we were far enough from the church I couldn't hear the people and were broaching woods, I took pause. I worried he might be taking me out here to leave me... or feed me to a zombie. I had no idea, but I didn't really want to know. I started to turn back.

"Where you going?"

I stopped. "Why are you leading me into the woods?" I asked skeptically, and ready to make a run for it if need be.

Kyle chuckled under his breath and held his hands out, palms up as if to say he meant no harm.

"You don't trust me."

Was that a question or a statement? I wasn't sure, but decided to answer it anyway.

"I wouldn't have asked for your help if I didn't trust that you could get me there." I thought I had made that clear yesterday when he dropped off my boots and uniform.

"Trusting that we're capable of doing our job and trusting us aren't the same thing."

Weren't they? I considered what he said and then reminded myself that I actually thought for a second he'd brought me out here to let me become zombie food. That wasn't exactly the thoughts of someone who trusted the person she was with. Kyle started walking further and curious now, I moved my feet to keep up.

"Things like this, they don't work without real trust. Two weeks is a long time out here for someone like you and going into the city? You need to trust that we'll have your back."

"Trust isn't exactly inspired by making bets on how long a person will survive or lamenting the fact that you can't just ditch me."

I was proud at how confident I sounded because I didn't feel that way at all. Yes, I knew I wasn't good at this and likely never would be good enough to hang with them. I got that. But I had skills they didn't have. They needed me here too, so to discount me as though I were nothing but an annoyance slowing them down... it sucked. It shook the little bit of confidence I had built up going into this. And Joel apologized and I guess Miles' slinging his arm around me had been his own weird apology but that didn't mean the day hadn't been a hit to my ego. Kyle hung his head down, nodding and when he looked at me I was pleased at the earnest apology in his expression.

"You're right, which is why we're out here."

I wasn't going to pretend to understand that.

"Are you about to ask me to do trust falls or something?"

"No," he said through a laugh. "No trust falls. Quid pro quo. You told us about your past, we owe you answers too."

"Why are we way out here for this?"

"Because I said I'd run the perimeter before dinner." He shrugged like it was nothing to spend all day getting here and then immediately be put to work. "They're good people here, we like to help them out how we can," he explained.

I nodded understanding. They respected what these people have out here. It was hard not to, they all worked for the life they had and had done so seemingly without becoming cynics. "So you just want me to what? Ask you questions?" He agreed, then, because I didn't know how much he'd really answer, I took a long moment to really consider what I wanted to ask. "Why do you do it?"

"What's that?"

"I don't really get the feeling any of you enjoy living at Hudson. I don't know much about Joel and Miles, but you got out the military. Nobody forced you to serve the installation, you could have stayed here, or anywhere just fine."

"Miles and Joel were Rangers with me. Miles was still in and up here. He made the call to get Joel and I up here and we came. But you're right, I don't love life on Hudson. But these people? Other groups like them? They can take care of themselves mostly. Every person back there knows how to kill a zombie, even the kids. People living outside of Hudson haven't been lulled into a false sense of security. I can't speak for them, but I stay because the people there need us more."

"You think it will fall?"

He shrugged as though the words that were about to fall from his lips were nothing. But they weren't nothing, they were terrifying. "It's only a matter of time."