Sunrise

VERONICA

~“When the night is cold,”~

~And you feel like no one knows,~

~What it’s like to be the only one,~

~Buried in this hole,~

~You can make it to the sunrise…”~

~– Our Last Night~

***

Dr. Miller listened quietly as I poured out the day’s events. It was eight o’clock at night, and after the day I’d had, I needed to let it all out.

After my meltdown at the dojo, Frey had promised to accompany me to the doctor next time, and assured me there wouldn’t be any blood tests.

I’d shared this with Dr. Miller, and my confusion over the idea of being pregnant.

It stirred up something deep within me, a kind of madness I’d buried in the darkest corners of my mind. The mere mention of a blood test would set it loose.

I couldn’t understand why the thought of being pregnant affected me so strongly.

Unlike other traumas in my life, I wasn’t afraid of pregnancy. I wanted to have kids someday, and I wanted to be able to conceive. So why was I reacting this way now?

After a few long, silent minutes, Dr. Miller finally spoke. “There could be several reasons for your extreme reaction. Sometimes the answer isn’t so clear-cut.”

“But I’ve told you,” I insisted, “there’s nothing in my past that should’ve triggered this kind of fear of pregnancy.”

“As I said, the answer isn’t always straightforward. There might’ve been something else that happened, something that indirectly affected your subconscious thoughts about pregnancy.”

My phone buzzed in my jeans pocket. My friends had been trying to reach me ever since I left Fiddle, especially Santana, who was probably mad at me.

I didn’t blame them, but I couldn’t talk to them right now.

Frey was right about many things, but I wasn’t sure if he was right about leaning on my friends. I needed a break from them too.

I needed a break from everyone and everything because, apparently, I was still unstable.

“I don’t know,” I said, leaning back on the couch. I was tired, and the exhaustion was catching up with me.

The past few months had been stressful, and I just wanted it all to end. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I wanted to work at the bookstore again.

I wanted to go to the book club meetings without having to see Drake.

If I could change the past, I wouldn’t have slept with Jax in the first place. That seemed to be the root of all my current problems.

“Veronica,” Dr. Miller said softly, and I looked at her. “You need to tell me about your father.”

My body tensed involuntarily.

“Why?” I asked, my voice sharper than I intended.

“I sense that this is a sensitive topic for you,” she continued, unfazed by my outburst. “You’ve mentioned him in our conversations, but you’ve never said more than a few words about him.”

I’d also told her about my past with my mother, just like I’d told Frey, and I’d even managed to tell her about Hailey and my high school drama.

So, I’d shared a lot with her, but I couldn’t talk about this. Not with her, not with Frey, not with anyone. “There’s nothing more to say about him.”

But she was a therapist for a reason. “It’s important that you tell me, Veronica. You said that he died, but you never said how.”

My mind went blank. My breaths became shallow and I started to hyperventilate.

“Please,” I pleaded, my voice barely a whisper, “don’t make me talk about it. Please.”

She leaned forward and put one hand on my shoulder, offering me a glass of water with the other.

“It’s not healthy to bury your memories so deep that you have a panic attack whenever one tries to surface.”

“But I can’t remember,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut. “I just can’t. Please understand. It’s not something I ever want to remember again.”

Dr. Miller watched me closely. Her eyes were cautious, and I didn’t blame her. I was mentally unstable, after all. “I won’t push you, but you need to calm down.”

And after a few minutes, I did, and Dr. Miller didn’t bring up my father again.

***

“I suck.”

Oliver, sitting across from me in my apartment’s living room, sighed. “You don’t suck, Nix.”

“That’s not true,” I said, pulling my knees to my chest. “Didn’t you hear what I just told you?”

“I’m not saying you don’t have problems,” he said, giving me a pointed look. “I just think you’re making them bigger than they need to be.”

Frowning, I glared at him. “That’s not what I’m talking about.”

He sighed again.

“I get why you’re keeping your distance from Jax and the redhead guy and all that. But pushing away your friends? The people who want to help you? That’s just cowardly, Nix. You’re not a loser. You’re a coward.”

“That’s even worse,” I grimaced.

“You haven’t talked to them since Tuesday, have you?” he asked pointedly.

I nodded reluctantly.

“See? That’s you being a coward. It’s Saturday, and you haven’t even spoken to Laura, your best friend.”

“And you told me your roommate hasn’t been home since Wednesday, so you do the math. You’re pushing away some good friends, and it’s going to hurt you in the end.”

He sounded just like Frey when I told him about my decision during our lesson on Wednesday.

The lesson was a repeat of Monday’s, a mix of kickboxing and venting about people who’d done me wrong.

Before we got started, Frey had me see a private doctor he’d arranged just for me.

The doctor didn’t take any blood samples, given my strong reaction, but he did other tests, like a urine test.

Turns out, I had some issues with my digestive system, so he gave me pills for that.

They helped a bit, but even after a professional doctor told me I wasn’t pregnant, the thought of a blood test still scared me.

Since no one wanted to traumatize me by forcing a blood test, they let it go.

But something inside me said it wasn’t my digestive system causing my morning sickness. Still, I refused to have my blood drawn. I was a mess.

“I just don’t know what to say,” I admitted quietly, flinching at the stern look my stepbrother gave me. “I don’t know how to act, how to…how to be a friend to them again.”

“Start by talking to them again,” Oliver suggested, raising an eyebrow. “It’s a weak excuse, and you know it.”

“If you really want to move past all this, at least confide in your friends. They wouldn’t keep calling and texting if they didn’t care about you, right?”

“Stop making so much sense,” I shot back at him. “You and Frey just love to be all logical and reasonable.”

I’d told Oliver about Frey and how he’d become my mentor. My brother admired the man without even meeting him, just for the work he was doing with me.

“It’s because you twist everything in your mind to avoid feeling guilty,” he pointed out. “So, stop running away from everyone and at least face your friends.”

I hugged my knees tighter.

“It’s scary.” I confessed softly.

“Living is scary, but that doesn’t mean you stop living, does it?”

“That’s not the same thing,” I argued, scrunching up my nose.

“Veronica, honestly,” he sighed. “Why do you have to complicate everything?”

“It’s not like I do it on purpose—”

“But that’s just it! You do it on purpose! You purposely stopped talking to your friends! You’re purposely distancing yourself from anything that might hurt you!”

“You need to stop self-destructing! You’re finally on the road to recovery!”

His words hit me like a slap. “I’m…”

I didn’t know what to say because he was right, annoyingly so. I was sabotaging myself again. It felt like every step I took forward, I then took a few more backward.

It had to stop, and I was going to put an end to it now.

Jumping up, I grabbed my phone and dialed a number. After two rings, Laura answered hesitantly, “Veronica?”

“Meet me at my apartment in ten minutes and tell everyone who can to come too,” I said and hung up before she could argue.

I turned to Oliver. “I’m sorry, but I need you to leave now.”

He sighed and walked over to me. I watched as he wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” I replied quietly. “I will.”

Fifteen minutes later, Warren, Santana, and Laura were in my apartment.

Kyle was at rehearsals, while Amy and Nick didn’t answer anyone’s calls, which meant they were distancing themselves from everyone just like I had.

But these three were enough. I could start by apologizing to them.

“Before you say anything,” Santana interrupted before I could speak, “I want you to tell us everything from the beginning.”

“The beginning?” I asked nervously.

“Yes,” Laura agreed, “the beginning. Why did you cut your wrist? Why did you freak out when Santana suggested a blood test? All of it.”

So, because Frey, Oliver, and Dr. Miller said I should confide in my friends, I told them everything.

About the bullying in high school, about Erin and Vadim, about not knowing what made me snap, and that I did get checked out and it turned out I was just sick.

When I finished talking, all three of them hugged me.

“Never walk out on us again,” Warren said, “and never keep these things to yourself. We’re here for you, and I think I speak for Kyle, Amy, and Nick too. You’re not alone.”

“I know,” I said, tears streaming down my face. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Santana said, kissing my cheek. “But if you pull this shit again, I can’t promise I’ll forgive you that easily.”

“Me too,” Laura added, giving me a stern look. “When I told you about the baby, it was because I thought we were being honest with each other. I don’t want to ever find out you weren’t honest with me again. Are we clear?”

“We’re clear,” I promised. “And I’m really, really sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Warren said, smiling gently at me. “We understand.”

And they did. For the next few hours, my friends shared their own past demons.

Warren told us about how some boys from his high school used to pick on him because he was different.

He said one time he twisted one of these boys’ arms, almost breaking it, and how they stopped picking on him after that.

Santana, on the other hand, told us about how she used to be a scaredy-cat, and how from a painfully shy girl she turned into the outspoken and outgoing person she was today thanks to a therapist she talked to.

Laura’s story was about how she was best friends with her school’s Queen Bee, and how that friend used to bully people and she just stood there and did nothing.

Eventually, she couldn’t take it anymore. She stood up to the bully, only to become the target herself.

We cried together. We laughed together. We shared secrets, and we became closer than we’d ever been before.

I was grateful for Frey, Oliver, and Dr. Miller. I was grateful I didn’t give in to my self-destructive tendencies again.

From here on out, I’m only going to grow for the better. That’s a promise.