THIRTY-ONE

"Are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these?

And let all your damage, damage me?"

———

"Damn, Thea, you need to chill!" Sophie laughed, staggering backwards.

"Why the fuck would you call him?"

"Dorothea!" Taylor hissed.

"No, seriously! What the fuck is wrong with you?" The brunette shrieked, stepping towards Sophie.

"Okay, I'm not gonna lie, you s-saying that hurts-s a lil' bit, Thea," Sophie slurred. But she suddenly laughed again. "Even aft-ter all this-s time you're s-still a dramatic, sassy lil' shit!"

"Go fuck yourself!"

"Dorothea!" Taylor repeated, taking the brunette by the arm.

"No! Hold on—" Dorothea pulled out of the blonde's grasp, locking her gaze on her college roommate. "This was your plan all along, wasn't it? You knew I wasn't going to meet up with you again and so you got shit-faced so I'd have no choice but to rescue you like I did every fucking weekend at NYU—"

"And how many fucking weekends did I res-scue you?" Sophie challenged, her voice jittery and unstable. "How many fucking weekends did I spend by your s-side while you cried about a guy who was never going to love you the way that you know damn well that I did!"

"Really?" Dorothea shook her head, letting out a bitter laugh. "Is that why you left Manhattan? Is that why you called my ex to yell at him about the baby he hasn't known about for the past six months—"

Sophie's pale eyes suddenly softened. "I'm—Thea. I didn't know—"

"Of course you didn't!" Dorothea exclaimed. "Just like you didn't know how much of a fucking wreck I was when you left! I had just dropped out of school, I was broke and my dad died days before you told me you were never coming back!"

"How do you think I felt?" Sophie asked, a tear sliding down her cheek. "What was I supposed to do? Do you know how horrible it is to watch someone self-destruct week after week? How do you think I felt after all of those nights we avoided him like he was I don't know! Contagious, only for me to wake up the next morning and find out you had left to go see Nick at the gym. Or to get brunch. Or study or go on a fucking walk with him in Union Square because you refused to admit to yourself how you really felt!"

Dorothea's eyes stung with tears. She looked at Taylor, who was standing by uneasily. "You knew how I felt," she said weakly.

"I thought I did. And then I watched you over and over and over again, returning to that piece of shit!" Sophie growled. She then let out a dry laugh, her voice turning low, "And now you're pregnant. And you have another blonde lover. If you had just been honest with yourself, you could've had one without the other...but as you know, some mistakes are more permanent than others—"

"Excuse me?" Taylor interjected.

"This baby is not a mistake," Dorothea snarled, taking a deliberate step towards the smiling drunk woman.

"But getting pregnant was," Sophie clarified. "Wasn't it?Or was this a, Miracle Baby Saves Our Toxic Relationship sort of decision?"

"Fuck—"

Out of nowhere, over a dozen camera flashes suddenly broke out in the darkness. Dorothea was inches from pouncing on the other woman when she launched backwards. The smile on Sophie's face waned as she looked around in confusion. Meanwhile, Dorothea had already spun around, heading towards the SUV as though on autopilot with Taylor at her side.

"Damn Dorothea! You didn't tell me you were famous now!" Sophie called, her laughter echoing down the street. "Not so fun having all of your mistakes on display, huh?"

As though struck with a match, Dorothea whipped around. If it weren't for Taylor's nails suddenly hooking into her arms to the point that it was almost painful, she would have screamed at the girl to go fuck herself in a dozen different ways. Instead, she clenched her teeth to the point that they were aching, threatening to shatter, and turned around to the sound of Sophie's intoxicated laughter.

Inside the car, she dissolved. Dorothea's hands and knees and shoulders shook as though she were sitting on a fault line. With a sudden feeling of abandonment, she looked up at Taylor. "I'm sorry, T. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

Taylor nodded, placing her hand on her leg and rubbing it gently. But Dorothea wanted her to say something. It was only seconds of silence and yet even though the singer's hand was on her it felt as if she was being let go, one finger at a time.

"I shouldn't have gone after her. I knew she was setting me up..." Dorothea rambled, swiping at her tears. "That wasn't...I promise I had every intention of telling you about her—"

Taylor continued to nod, and though this time she squeezed her leg Dorothea couldn't bear the silence. "Please, just give me one thought, T. Even if it's, "fuck you, I hate you!' Please—"

"That's not what I'm thinking," Taylor said softly, shaking her head. "Don't ever say that again."

Dorothea nodded. She tried to let a sob roll through quietly but ended up convulsing as the tears spilled effortlessly down her face. She placed both of her hands on top of Taylor's on her leg, praying the woman wouldn't try to let go.

"'Friends from school'," the singer suddenly said. She made a noise that Dorothea couldn't quite decipher. "I guess it was a little more complicated than that."

"Everything about 2016 was complicated," Dorothea muttered.

"Yeah. Tell me about it," Taylor chuckled dryly.

Dorothea looked across the backseat at her. Taylor rarely ever  mentioned the period in her career when she completely disappeared. "It was really bad, wasn't it?" She asked quietly.

Taylor nodded. "One of the worst things about going through something bad is when you've finally convinced yourself that it's over. You can numb yourself when you're in the middle of it, but memories will always be there to blindside you. And the people? They don't disappear. No matter how long you do."

"Like you said, they come out of nowhere," Dorothea muttered.

"Because the past and the present will always be entwined," Taylor sighed. "And that's the greatest fuck-you of them all."

Dorothea's throat tightened. For once, she put her hand on her stomach in hopes of feeling the little girl's innocent movements inside of her, but the baby was still. "I can't believe I thought we'd get away with it," she whispered.

"What do you mean?" The blonde asked.

"I mean, how was I stupid enough to think that Nick would never find out about this baby? I really thought that if I just buried myself in this new, unbelievable life that every fucked up piece of my past would just disappear forever!" Dorothea cried.

"But sometimes hope is the only thing we have to live for, Babe," Taylor reminded, "and right now all this baby who sometimes drives you crazy wants is for you to live."

A flood of tears slid down Dorothea's face. Her breath became uneven as panic settled into her eyes. "Taylor, he's going to find me," she fretted. "Nick is going to find me and I have no idea what he's going to do! He...What if he —Oh my god, he might kill me—"

"And you have so many people who would do everything to prevent that from happening!" Taylor argued. "But I hope it doesn't come to that."

Dorothea nodded as she continued to cry. It would have been the moment to stop, to be invigorated by the optimism that only came after intense sadness. But she couldn't. Even as Taylor wiped away the flow of tears a new flood arrived. Eventually, the singer broke down, and Dorothea immediately reached to wipe her sadness away.

"Please don't cry," She whispered.

Taylor shook her head, but more tears came. Instead of letting Dorothea reach them, she pulled her into her arms and buried her face into her neck.

In the midst of their shared silence, Dorothea felt the baby move, as though desperate to keep them from separating. Despite Taylor's hot tears against her neck, she felt the blonde place one of her hands on her right when the baby's foot pressed from within.