14. Feelings ♔︎

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| King of Hearts |

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By: Janae Destiny

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'I'm not okay. And I don't think I have been for a while now...'

Ten years later and the death of Monie's parents still affects her as if it happened ten days ago.

She still remembers the cops and social workers showing up at their front door the night it happened. She remembers packing her and Marco's bags and being taken to an emergency group home where they would stay for a few days because their uncle- and the only family member both able and willing to take them in- was out of town when everything had happened.

She still remembers staying with her drunk of an uncle for a few months in an attempt to stay out of the foster care system. And the only reason he agreed to take them in was for the social security checks both Monie and Marco received for having two deceased parents. Because if it weren't for that, he wouldn't have wanted anything to do with them.

It didn't last very long though, staying with their uncle that is. Not even the 'free government money', as he liked to call it, was enough to make him pretend his alcoholism wasn't affecting his ability to properly take care of the two newly orphaned children. And as expected, the loss of his little sister only made his drinking problem much, much worse.

Monie was about 12 at the time, but she did the best she could with the situation she was unfortunately dealt. She would make sure to regularly wash her and Marco's clothes, and make sure they were bathed and as well-groomed as she could. She didn't know how to cut hair at the time, so that's around the time she let his hair grow out long enough to keep it in braids. She also made sure Marco always went to sleep with something in his stomach, even if that meant she didn't. She did her best to be as little of a worry to their uncle as possible, while also trying to keep any questions and speculations from their social workers at a minimum.

She did all of that because she knew the horror stories of the South Chicago foster care system. She knew there was a high probability she would get separated from Marco. And that's all she wanted more than anything else; to stay with her baby brother. She didn't want to risk losing him. She needed him just as much as he needed her. But even in her efforts to come across as a well-functioning household, the facade didn't even hold up for a full year before their uncle was being investigated for child neglect and the kids were taken away from him.

It first started because Monie's seventh-grade science teacher noticed a very drastic decline in her grades. She wasn't turning in her homework on time, she wasn't participating in class because she was sleeping through almost every discussion, and she had lost a lot of weight. And for a 12/13-year-old, losing weight when you're already slim is far from normal.

'Monique...' her teacher had called her over to her desk after class one afternoon. 'I know you've been going through a lot these last few months, but is everything okay at home?'

'Everything is fine.'

'Are you sure?'

Monie just nodded her head.

'Are you eating at home? Because I've noticed some changes in you lately.'

'I'm eating. Yes.'

'Are you eating... enough?' Her teacher had put a lot of stress on the last word.

Monie hesitated to answer that question. She wanted to tell the truth, but again, she knew what came with being honest.

'Yes. I'm eating enough,' she lied once again. 'And everything is okay at home. I'm fine, really.'

I'm okay. I'm fine. She said those a lot, hoping that she could at least convince herself it was true because she wasn't convincing anyone else.

'Okay,' her teacher had nodded her head. 'Alright, you can go to your next class. That's all I wanted to know.'

Monie thought that would be the end of it, but she couldn't have been more wrong. She never blamed her teacher though. Well, she did, but only at first. The woman was just doing her job. She was just doing what she was required to by reporting what she was observing. If she didn't report it, she would've risked losing her job. She thought she was doing what was best for Monie, so she couldn't blame her for that.

Luckily, Monie and Marco stayed together for the next few years. They were lucky enough to be transferred to two different homes that were willing to take in the both of them. But when Monie got pregnant at 16, that's when things got a little bit more difficult- and her nightmare of a birthing delivery didn't make matters any easier. Everything was okay until she had the baby and their foster family decided it was too much for them and she was moved to a group home with other teen moms and wards of the state. She stayed in that home for a few months while she finished high school and worked so she could both move out on her own and file for custody of her brother so they could be together again.

Because through everything that was going on around her, Monie always promised herself two things. And those two things were: 1) she wasn't going to let the state call her an unfit mother and risk losing her child to the same system she was forced to grow up in. 2) she was going to get her brother back no matter how many sleepless nights and double shifts it took her to do it.

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"You feel a little bit better?" Kiara asked. She was careful not to ask Monie if she was okay again because the answer to that was very obviously no. They were inside Kiara's house now, sitting on the couch while Kiara held Monie in her arms.

"A little bit," Monie sniffled. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm just here crying like this. I don't ever cry, yuh know. So I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why I'm crying to you like you don't have your own problems to deal with."

"You don't have to apologize, Monique."

"I just don't want you to think I'm crazy," she pulled away from Kiara. "I like feeling like I've got my shit handled. And crying... it don't ever solve shit. It doesn't help take care of my daughter or my brother. It doesn't erase my shitty ass past."

"Maybe not but you know what else helps?" Monie just looked up to meet her eyes, waiting for Kiara to answer her own question. "Talking... being honest with yourself and others about how you feel. How you really feel."

"I'm not good at that. Talking about how I feel."

"Yeah, that's kind of obvious. And I'll be honest, I'm not great at it either, but when's a better time to start than now? So... Monique, how are you feeling right now? And I want you to answer that question truthfully."

"I'm...," she hesitated because she wasn't quite sure how to answer that question. She was feeling a lot of different emotions, some of which she wasn't sure she even understood herself because she's spent half of her life suppressing them.

"I feel angry," Monie finally answered after a while. She could have gone with sad, or depressed, or mournful. But above all else, she was angry.

"Okay, and why do you feel angry? Or do you not know why?"

"Oh, I know why. I'm angry because... because why is life so fucking unfair? Why is it so good to some people and then so shitty to others? I'm angry because my parents were good, hardworking people who didn't deserve what happened to them. I'm angry because I was forced to grow up too soon. I'm angry because I wasn't able to finish college, even though I was really good at it. I'm angry that I didn't have my mom there for me when I was pregnant. I'm angry that Marco will never have a father figure in his life to show him what it looks like to be a good man. I'm just so fucking angry, Kiara, because why did I have to lose the only two people in this world who were supposed to be here to help guide and support me through this shitty ass bullshit we call life?"

Kiara stayed silent the whole time Monie was talking, just listening intently to every single word she was saying.

"I'm... I'm just angry at the world," Monie said as her bottom lip began to quiver, a sure sign that she was about to start crying again. "And I'm angry that I have to stay positive throughout all of this shit because I have two kids who depend on me for everything, even though all I want to do is give up sometimes."

And she did in fact start crying again. And this time Kiara wasn't the one who initiated the hug. Monie leaned into Kiara and wrapped her arms tight around her, resting her head comfortingly on her chest as she cried. And Kiara just let her. She gently ran her hands along Monie's back, doing her best to try and calm her down.

Neither of them spoke for a while, even after Monie had stopped crying so hard. And Kiara was glad they weren't speaking because she didn't want Monie to notice that she had started crying too. She cried because she lived a very sheltered life growing up and didn't realize how hard life has really been for other people. She had already suspected that Monie's parents weren't around, because why else would she have sole custody of her fifteen-year-old brother? But them being killed was not the story she was expecting. Kiara was crying even though she didn't know the full story of what Monie has really been through these last ten years, but she didn't feel like it was right to ask either. She figured Monie would tell her what really happened on her own time when she was ready.

Kiara also cried because she wished she could take Monie's pain away but knew that she couldn't. All she could do was support her, as long as Monie would let her.

"Why are you crying?" Monie whispered when she pulled away from Kiara and noticed that her eyes were damp too.

"Because... because I ain't know you was going through all of this. I mean, I knew it was something, but I ain't think it was this. I'm sorry that you been having to deal with all of this. And I'm even more sorry you felt alone through it all."

Kiara reached for the box of tissues she had sitting on her coffee table and held it out to Monie because even though she had calmed down a whole lot, her tears were still flowing.

"I haven't been completely alone," Monie accepted the tissues and used them to wipe at both her eyes and now running nose. And for the first time in her life, she didn't even care how ugly she looked crying in front of someone else. "I've always had my brother and then my daughter. And every day I thank God for them because I don't think I would have made it if it were just me. They give me a reason to live. They give me a reason to get up in the morning. They make me hopeful about the future. That one day it will get easier."

"What would easier looking for you? Like if you could imagine a perfect life, what would it look like?"

"Life isn't perfect though, and never will be. So I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on what could be because, at the end of the day, it simply isn't. And it just is what it is."

"Okay, can I restate that question then?" Kiara asked.

"Sure."

"If you could be doing anything right now? What would you be doing?"

"I'd be in school, that's for sure. I'd be finishing up my bachelor's degree in nursing and then eventually working towards my NP degree. Job wise? I don't know, I'd probably still be dancing for the time being. It's good money and allows me to provide for my kids."

"Do you like it though? Dancing?"

"Yeah, I do actually. Dancing is like an escape for me in a way. For those few hours I'm in the club, I don't have to worry about the outside world. It's not always easy, but it pays well. Far more than any other job I can do with only a high school diploma."

And as Monie was speaking, she brought her fingers up to massage her temples, trying hard to relieve the headache she's had all day.

"You okay?" Kiara asked when she noticed Monie's mood change.

"My head hurts," she admitted. "Like real fucking bad."

"Do you want some ibuprofen or something?"

"Thanks, but that won't help," Monie shook her head, no.

"How about some tea?"

"Tea?" Monie looked at her with her head slightly cocked to the side. And in her head she was thinking: 'if ibuprofen won't work, what makes you think tea will?'

"Yeah. It helps to calm me down sometimes. I know it won't help your headache, but it is soothing in other ways."

"Sure. Yeah, I'd love some tea actually. Do you have ginger?"

"Of course I have ginger," Kiara let out a slight laugh. She got up off of the couch and informed Monie that she could either follow her or stay where she was. Monie decided to stay on the couch because she already felt lightheaded and thought she might pass out if she were to get up.

"I put a little bit of honey and a slice of lemon in it," Kiara announced when she came back with two mugs in either of her hands.

"Thank you," Monie accepted hers and immediately took a sip, even with steam still rising from it.

"You're welcome," Kiara sat back down beside her.

It was quiet for a while, and Monie was sort of happy Kiara wasn't talking much. She sipped on her tea and enjoyed the comfortable silence between them. And for the first time all day, the tension headache she's had was finally starting to get better. Not a lot, but her brain no longer felt like it was rattling inside of her skull.

"How'd you know I was here?" Monie finally broke the silence between them. She was more than halfway done with her tea now and wrapped her fingers tight around the mug. She held it close to her chest because she liked the warm, comforting feeling it provided.

"I saw your headlights when I turned off the lights in my bedroom," Kiara sat her mug down on the coffee table in front of them. "Looked out the window and saw your car sitting on my driveway."

"I'm sorry for just showing up here like that. I don't usually do this type of thing. I swear I'm not deranged or anything by just popping up like this."

"I don't mind, and I don't think you're deranged. I'm... more curious as to why? Why did you actually come here? And how did you even remember where I live?"

"I have a pretty good memory. Damn near photographic actually. And the why... well, because I wanted to apologize to you actually. That's really what I came here for. Don't exactly know how I ended up crying in your driveway instead."

"Apologize to me for what?" Kiara was genuinely confused because to her, Monie hadn't done anything wrong.

"About what happened earlier. I'm sorry I said all that shit about you growing up with a diamond spoon in your mouth and how your parents have held your hand through life. I shouldn't have said any of that. Like I said, I was- I am angry. But that's no excuse for how I was acting this morning. You ain't deserve how I was talking to you. And I really am sorry."

"You ain't have to apologize. I told you earlier that it's okay. I told you I'm not upset."

"Don't just say that because you feel like you have to."

"I'm not. I'm being serious. Monique, nothing you said about me was technically wrong. And after hearing more of your story, I get why you're so hesitant- why you're scared, and why you started having second thoughts. You're not used to people treating you right, and I know me telling you that I'll never do you like that means nothing. So... I'ma show you," Kiara slowly reached her hand out towards Monie, who hesitated at first, but let one of her hands fall from her mug down into Kiara's hand.

Monie opened her mouth to start speaking when her text tone went off, causing her upside-down phone to go off on the coffee table. She wouldn't have been so quick to pick it up if she didn't have both a custom ring and text tone assigned to her brother's contact.

"I'm so sorry," Monie whispered. She drew her hand back from Kiara, set her mug down on the coffee table, and picked up her phone.

"Nah, you're good," Kiara understood because she had a feeling it was most likely her brother.

"It's Marco," she said as she sent a reply to his text message. "I need to get back. He won't admit it, but I know he won't be able to sleep until I'm there."

"I'll drive you home."

"You don't have to do that. It's fine, really."

"I wasn't asking. 'I'll drive you home' is more of a statement than it is a question."

"But you're already home, and you were about to go to sleep before I-"

"Remember what I told you about accepting help sometimes? I really don't mind," Kiara got up off of the couch and held her hand out to help Monie up with her. "I'll just drive your car and then get an Uber back here. It's not that big a deal."

"You can always stay like you did last night," Monie awkwardly crossed her arms around her body. "But only if you want to..."

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