Misguided Vows: Chapter 51

I’ve been back in London for two weeks, and it feels so nice to be back in my quaint, little apartment. It’s so different from the rowdiness of New York, though a small part of me misses the others, especially Honey and Rya.

I successfully acquired the contract in Manchester but don’t start for another couple of weeks, so decided to use this time to figure out the perfect location for my shop. All my money was reimbursed, and I find myself sitting on a massive nest egg. However, it has done nothing to put me in a decisive mood about what to do with this… pregnancy.

I’ve been a sophisticated mess, continuing the day-to-day of my life until I’m back home alone. Some days, I think maybe I should keep the baby. I mean, I’m not getting any younger, but I’m terrified at the thought of doing it on my own. I always thought I’d have a husband if I were to decide to take this step. It terrifies me to think I’ll be the same as my mom. I love her, and she did so many incredible things for me growing up, but I remember picking up the pieces.

There’s always the option of… not having the baby. But I don’t like that either. I’m terrified of both options. I don’t particularly know what to do for the first time in a long time. Honey suggested I speak to Will about it, but I don’t want to make matters worse. I think we should leave things where they ended. And besides, he’s not able to move on from his past, so how could I possibly ask him to consider this journey or future? It’s better if he doesn’t know. This is for me to deal with alone.

I haven’t seen or heard from Will since the night we spent in the hospital. I know I pushed for it, and I still can’t wholly whip my head around the notion that I’d been his original target. But I’ve been lying to myself that he isn’t the person I miss the most. And that makes me all the more foolish for falling for his charm.

In a less fucked up world, I don’t know what I might’ve done had he pursued me. Even when sitting in my apartment alone with a cup of tea, my mind drifts to him, and I’m embarrassed by the fact that I let him in. I hate him. But I want him. And it’s not fair. Especially when I’m doing everything I can to put what happened between us in the past.

When I caught up with Maria last week, she asked questions about New York. She’d heard about the assault and fire, which made headlines in certain magazines, but past that, she never asked about what transpired between me and Will. For that, I was grateful. I hadn’t brought up the pregnancy either. Honey is the only person who knows, and because I’m eight weeks along, I feel like I have to make a decision soon. But it’s strange to know there’s something growing inside of me. I have all the means to support a child, but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to do it on my own. Ultimately, no matter how independent I’ve always thought I am, it turns out I’m still a coward at heart.

A knock sounds on my apartment door, and I stand up expectantly. I stayed in touch with Steven, and when I mentioned I was looking for a storefront in London, he let me know he’d done some work here previously and knew a few real estate agents who could help me.

Apparently, he also has a cousin here he was due to visit, but I don’t know how true that is or if he was just trying to sound less eager to help me. The last thing on my mind right now is dating.

When I open the door, Steven is standing there with a smile. I forget how shiny his positive demeanor is. It’s refreshing, to say the least, especially during a drizzly week.

He looks good, dressed in a cream suit and a dark overcoat, as the weather is starting to get colder now. His eyes light up, and he immediately leans in to kiss me, and I give him my cheek.

“It’s so good to see you,” he says, his hand still holding my arm.

“And you. I just have to get my bag and we’re good to go.” I turn and grab my bag from the small table by the door, and when I step into the hallway, I find him waiting for me patiently.

“Coffee first?” he asks.

“Sounds good.” I live relatively close to a lot of shops and cafés, so we decide to walk.

“How have you been? I know we message, but it’s good to see you again. When I saw you last month, it was a bit awkward. I felt like we couldn’t really talk. Are you still seeing Will?” He hasn’t actually asked me about Will in the last month that we’ve been messaging, and I’m glad he didn’t because it would have been awkward. I needed time to work out my feelings for Will, process the fire, and transition back to my life in London. Not to mention the other big thing I have to make a heavy decision about soon.

“Nope. Just a casual fling, like I told you. I haven’t spoken to Will since I left New York.”

“Okay, good. I didn’t want to get in between anything you two may have had going on.” I don’t like the implication that he thinks he’s getting involved with anything. I side-eye him. I mean, someone like Steven is a great example of an ideal partner. So why can’t I fall for someone like him instead of some Xbox-playing bounty hunter?

“Nothing going on,” I reiterate, trying to restrain the bitterness in my voice. Why do I always go for the guy who isn’t right for me? Steven and I have plenty in common, and he’s intelligent and physically attractive. Shouldn’t I be after someone like him? Wouldn’t my mother approve if I brought someone like Steven home?

“I’m glad to hear it,” he says, trying to hide a hopeful smile. A small part of me likes it. After everything that happened, it’s nice to be wanted, even though I don’t look at Steven in that way. I’m wondering if I ever can.

We walk into a café and each order a coffee. He pays as I take a seat at a table and wait. A few minutes later, he hands me mine and sits opposite me. “It’s good to see you, Alina. Really good.”

“Thanks.” I smile. The way he said it makes me feel like he’s complimenting something else.

“I don’t get it. I don’t understand how you’re still not married. You were the girl everyone wanted back in school.”

I try not to snort my coffee out my nose. “That’s news to me.”

He smiles when he looks at his coffee. “Surely, you knew. Then again, you shot down most of the boys as quickly as they showed an interest in you.”

“I didn’t shoot you down,” I point out, though I can’t entirely remember how we started dating in the first place. He wasn’t my first boyfriend or my last, and I was young and naive to the notion of love and dating. Years later, I’m just jaded from it now.

“Have you been close to marriage?” he asks curiously. The question catches me off guard. Okay, so we’re going down this rabbit hole. And it’s probably my least favorite conversation to partake in, considering I’m in the midst of re-evaluating everything in my life.

I wrap my hands around the coffee cup.

“No, no marriage. Just work and discovering who I am.” I pause. “What about you? Ever get close to getting married?” Because how do I explain the enigma of my past? I almost think it’s easier that Will studied up on me and knew most things in finer detail, so I didn’t have to explain it all. It felt like a cheat code, one I was surprisingly okay with.

I try to return to the conversation with Steven instead of my mind wandering to the one man I vowed I’d stop thinking about.

“I was engaged once. But she ended up leaving me for a friend. Said I was too married to my work,” he says with a hint of bittersweetness. “I think it was for the best, though, since apparently, she was having an affair with my friend for like a year, and I had no idea.”

“Ouch. Not a friend anymore, I’m assuming?” I feel for the guy. That’s rough.

“No, not a friend anymore. You can imagine their shock when I didn’t accept their wedding invitation.” He laughs when he sees my expression.

“Ooof. That’s brutal. What about your sister?” I ask, and the question is out there before I think better of it. Was that tactless to ask, considering the exchange we had at the party?

“She’s good. She’s actually married.”

“Really?” I ask, surprised. Then why is she pining over Will? I hadn’t even checked to see if she was wearing a ring. “Wow, I didn’t think she was married with the way she acted toward Will.”

“Oh no, she got married last week. She’s on her honeymoon now. And not that I’m advocating for her, but Will is a touchy subject for her. It took her months to move on from him.”

He says it like that makes it right. It actually makes it worse that she was sad about another man while she was about to marry another. I hope one day when I get married, I’ll never be like that. I want the man to be just as obsessed with me as I would be with him. Especially if I chose to marry them. My thoughts of marriage seem to dwindle more and more in my future.

“Nice,” is all I can say.

“Yep. Will has that effect. He fucks them, leaves them, and they end up married. So maybe, in a weird way, he’s a good luck charm.”

I laugh at that. A good luck charm? Will? Please. “You know of others to prove this theory?” I ask.

“Yep, one of my assistants as well. She’s married now, too.” I bite the inside of my cheek, imagining the way his head would inflate if he heard this. “You may be lucky next.” And the way he says it makes me believe he’s hoping to be that lucky person. I don’t see it as good luck as Steven does. I see it as Will telling them how it was going to be, and that’s it. Good for them, they got married later.

“Steven, I don’t know if I’m exactly dating material, let alone marriage material,” I say, trying to subtly let him down.

“You don’t know until you try,” he says optimistically. His phone begins to buzz in his pocket. When he fishes it out, his smile widens. “That’s the first real estate agent, Luke. He’s a good friend of mine. Are you ready to meet him?”

I smile appreciatively, not entirely comfortable with how he boycotted my subtle way of letting him down. But I’m equally excited to find the perfect shop space. Not working on a project is spiraling me into a version of myself with which I’m not entirely comfortable.