Misguided Vows: Chapter 53

Steven’s friend showed me a storefront with office space yesterday. It was really nice. In fact, its location is almost perfect, and I have the room to potentially add a team of four. But something feels off. I don’t know if it’s me or if I’m still unsure as to whether I should be setting up in London or New York. I know I can eventually have an office in both cities, but I’m so undecided, and I think it mostly has a lot to do with everything else going on.

I told Steven I’d meet him for dinner tonight. When he asked me out for dinner after meeting with his friend, a small part of me expected that I’d say no, that I don’t feel anything for him other than friendship. But another part asked, what if it grows into something more? The matter of the pregnancy might complicate things, but it’s nice to be seen and to be desired.

He isn’t using me for sex. He hasn’t even made a move to kiss me. He’s been respectful the whole time, and I feel guilty he flew all this way, even if he does have a cousin he’s visiting.

When I walk into the restaurant, I give the reservation name and am taken to the back and seated at a table. Getting my phone out, I check the time. I’m ten minutes late, but Steven hasn’t messaged me, and I realize he’s not here yet, either.

The waitress comes over and asks me what I want to drink.

“She’ll have water,” I hear someone say as they take the seat across from me. My heart rate picks up, and I clutch my hands beneath the table as they immediately start to feel clammy. I freeze, staring at the man dressed in a sharp blue suit who sits opposite me like it’s his God-given right.

With one hand, he undoes the button to his suit jacket. I’m lost for words at the sight of Will’s tight lips, which are usually a dazzling smile. I never thought I’d see those blue eyes again.

“Hello, love,” he says.

“Love?” I cough, shaking my head. “You’ve given up on milady?” I spit back at him. “And you aren’t welcome here. That is someone else’s seat.”

“Oh, I know. Steven. You can do better.” When he notices the waitress isn’t sure what to do, he adds arrogantly, “Make that two sparkling waters, please.”

She nods and scurries away. I cross my arms over my chest.

“I can, can I?”

“Yes, of course you can. With your skills and beauty, a woman like you can do better.”

“Oh, and are you better?” I question. He offers a smile, but it doesn’t reach his gaze. His eyes are rimmed with black circles, most likely more sleepless nights. It’s satisfying to know I’m not the only one.

“I would be a great start, but no.”

“Why the fuck are you here, Will? Can’t you just leave me alone?”

“No,” he abruptly says, and the tone in his voice catches me off guard. My hands naturally gravitate toward my stomach protectively. The moment I realize I’m doing it, I stop. I don’t understand any of it.

“Last time we spoke, we promised to go our separate ways,” I remind him.

“Yes, and you told me that you hate me.”

“I still do,” I bite back. “The only reason I’m not losing my shit and flipping this table right now is because I quite like this restaurant.”

He smirks. “That’s never stopped you before.”

The waitress brings over water and leaves as quickly as she came. “Why the fuck are you here, Will? Are you actually trying to break me?”

His gaze lifts to mine, and he licks his lips, but he seems temporarily lost for words for once. I laugh and roll my eyes. Great, more head fuckery. It’s certainly starting to make Steven look like a fucking treat.

A cruel smile tilts my lips. “Have you heard that all the women you fuck end up married after you?” I ask, thinking back on Steven’s words. “Maybe Steven and I will get married. Maybe he can offer me what I want, leaving no room for someone like you to be here.”

He only considers this for a moment before his quick wit takes over. “What a boring marriage that would be. I don’t think he could fuck you the way you like it,” he states blatantly.

“And what, you’re an expert on that?”

“Of course I am. I’m well acquainted with all things Alina and her body.”

I lean back, one eye twitching. “I’m sick of these games, Will. I’m not your toy. I do have a heart somewhere beneath all of this.”

“I know,” he replies solemnly, and it’s the first time I’ve seen him so quiet and reserved. The energy around us shifts as if momentarily both of our guards are down. What the fuck is happening right now? “How did you even find me? And what did you do with my date?”

“I don’t want to talk about Steven right now. I want to talk about us.”

I stumble over my next words. “Th-there is no us, Will. We made that crystal clear before I left New York. You need a new plaything to distract you, and I need…”

“What do you need?” he asks, leaning in as if everything hinges on my following words.

“Will, this is ridiculous. I’m supposed to be having dinner with another man right now. You don’t do relationships, remember?!” The older couple beside me flinch at how loud my voice is, and I reprimand myself.

“Fuck that guy!” Will has no issue with matching my tone. “What if I… What if I wanted to try to have a…relationship.”

I laugh in disbelief, and when I realize he’s serious, I laugh harder. “Will, you can’t be serious. No. We’re done. There was nothing more than just some fun between us.”

“But there is more, and you and I both know it.” There’s a lethal edge to his tone, and it snaps me out of my hysterics because I wonder… Does he know?

An unsaid tension runs between us, and I’m snapped out of it as Steven walks in, flustered. I immediately avert my gaze from Will, not entirely sure what just transpired between us. He can’t be serious. Will Walker wants a relationship? No. Surely, I heard him wrong.

“Will?” Steven says, shocked. Great. This is just fucking great. If looks could kill, Will would be six feet under. Will, on the other hand, just offers him one of his dazzling smiles.

“You’re in my seat,” Steven says adamantly.

“Oh, it seems I am. Sorry. Just saw Alina sitting all by herself, as her date was late, and figured I could steal her time.” Will stands and steps over to me. He grabs one of my hands, lifts it, and kisses the top of it, his eyes on me the whole time. I hate the effect his touch and imposing presence have on me. I hate this guy. I try to remind myself of that, but I’m not an exception to his charm. “You and I are not done,” he says intensely before turning and leaving.

I don’t know what to do or say. I still can’t believe he’s here and spouting nonsense about trying… trying what? A relationship between me and Will? It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Steven looks pissed as he stands beside his chair territorially as if Will might take it from him again.

“I didn’t realize I was late,” Steven says, eyeing me. “I got your email today about the change of time.”

My email?

I stare at the back of Will as he walks away.

That son of a bitch hacked my email.

I’m slightly impressed but pissed at the same time.

“Sorry. I made it in earlier than I originally thought I could. I’m glad you’re here now. That was awkward,” I say, trying my best to defuse the tension forming between us.

Steven doesn’t seem convinced as he sits across from me, and he does nothing to fill the space of the man who was there only a minute ago. He’s dressed in a gray suit today. And while he looks good, he doesn’t look as good as Will, nor does my body gravitate toward his like it does Will’s. And I fucking hate acknowledging that.

Will has this air about him that he knows he’s the best in any room. And while I think that may be true in some aspects, to others it might just come off as him being an arrogant asshole.

Which he may also be considered to be as well.

But deep in my heart, I know a part of Will that they don’t get to see, and it’s that which clouds my judgment. That is reserved for a woman who no longer exists except only in memories.

But that has nothing to do with the head fuckery I experience with Will. I respected his wishes and his deceased wife, and yet he feels like he can just come storming into my life whenever he pleases. For what? A quick shag? Whatever his definition of a relationship is?

“Alina, I want you to know that I like you,” Steven states, and it’s so abrupt that I’m pulled out of my spiraling thoughts. “And while I don’t like Will, I am willing to help you through this phase.”

Phase? What the fuck does that even mean?

I sit, confused, and wait for him to clarify his statement. Surely, I didn’t hear him right. But when he speaks, I wish he didn’t.

“Will is bad news. Not only does he deal with criminals, he himself is one. And I believe you know better than to associate with those kinds of people, considering you’re trying to build up your business. How would your customers feel knowing you’re associated with men like him? Would they feel comfortable with that? All I’m saying is, I would cut all ties as fast as possible before you get in any deeper.”

I’m sure he thinks what he’s saying is helpful. But the way he says it, and the way he speaks of Will, is low, even for him. I sit back and say nothing while he calls the waitress over and orders us each a glass of red wine. I stare at the untouched glasses of water, realizing that ordinarily, Will would’ve ordered us a bottle of champagne or wine. But this time, he ordered water.

I still at the thought with the dreaded realization that I think he knows.

On top of that, I’m not feeling overly friendly toward Steven for condemning “people like Will.” He’s not wrong and is entitled to his opinion, but I have friends who are associated with the criminal world, and they have been the closest thing to sisters I’ve found in a long time. They’ve uplifted me and supported me, offering me further opportunities. Maria, Honey, and Rya. Would Steven look down on them the moment he realizes they’re a bit morally gray?

Most likely. And in my heart of hearts, I know I’m not entirely a good person either. I steal things for a kick. And where Will found it entertaining, I realize this man—an average man—would not look upon that fondly.

We’re just too mismatched, even if I do think a man like Steven is better for me.

I hardly speak through the meal, and to be honest, I don’t even know if he notices. Or cares. He talks about himself a lot. And besides a few words of encouragement on my end, my head’s spinning, and I feel like my decisions are crowding in on me.

It’s as easy as that for Will to simply walk back into my life and cause an avalanche and ripple effect. Because again he’s all I can think about, and I hate this power he has over me. I don’t understand it or the intense pull I have to follow after him. And I hate that.

When Steven asks for the bill, the waitress informs him it was paid for. By Will. This makes Steven’s face go red as he stands.

I silently follow him out as he begins bad-mouthing Will again and tries to flag us down a cab. I remain near the entrance until he finally looks back at me as if actually seeing the real me for the first time. I realize, as sweet and attentive as I thought he was this last week, he’s not looking at me but simply someone who can fill the fantasy of what he has for a partner or wife.

“Thank you for everything, Steven, but I don’t think this is going to work,” I tell him. “I like you as a friend. But I don’t think it will go any further,” I say honestly. At first, he stands there, confused, then he steps up to me.

“Look, I know I can come on strong sometimes, but it will work, I’m sure of it,” he says matter-of-factly. “We both love the same things, and it could be so easy for us.” It goes without saying that I’ve never done anything easy in my life. “We just need you to remove yourself from him. He’s toxic.” Steven shakes his head, still fuming about Will. And I get it. Will has a certain knack for pissing people off.

Maybe some of my confusion has to do with Will, but I’m confident I know what I want for myself. Well, at least I know it doesn’t involve Steven.

“It’s not Will, Steven. I just don’t see you that way.” Before I can tell him anything else, he kisses me. I freeze at how quickly it happens.

I didn’t ask him to kiss me, and I don’t want his kiss. I shove him back, and when he realizes I’m not smiling, his smile drops, and his brows pinch together.

“Really? Nothing?”

“Nothing. And the only reason I’m not kicking you in the balls right now is because I know you thought that was a good move to make. It wasn’t. Don’t ever do that to a woman again.” I wipe at my lips, feeling disgusted, not having the heart to tell him that his breath still smells.

“I’m going to catch my own cab,” I say. “Thank you for everything, but I think we’re done here.” I walk away, holding my jacket tightly.

“He won’t ever love you. You know it’s a waste of time, right?” Steven shouts out behind me. I say nothing back. I didn’t mention Will, he did. So, I’m not playing into that game at all.

When I round the corner, I throw my hands in the air, furious. “For fuck’s sake.”

“I bet he tasted foul,” Will says, leaning against the wall, watching me. “Would you like me to change the taste in your mouth?”

I ignore him and continue walking. He kicks off the wall and follows behind me. “Your apartment is the other way,” he says, and I hate that he knows that. He knows everything about me, and yet I still can’t figure out what that brilliant mind of his is thinking. I gave up on trying to figure it out weeks ago.

“You can’t just hack my emails,” I yell, knowing he can hear me. He’s smart enough to at least keep some distance between us as I weave through people.

“Yes, well I wanted to spend quality time with you, is that a crime?” he says behind me.

“It is. Move on like you were supposed to. Stop dragging this out,” I furiously say without turning to look over my shoulder at him.

“I’d like to drag something, but not you, maybe through you…” I gasp in shock, and come to a stop to face him, embarrassed if others heard. He seems smug with himself as if knowing that would get me to stop hastily walking and get me to bite.

“Come on, love, just stop and let me drive you, home.” He sounds desperate.

“Just leave me alone, Will! I can’t keep doing this dumb shit. We’re not teenagers. There is no us! You can’t leave the past and I won’t make you!” I snap. People walk around us, curious about the spectacle.

“I’m trying, but it’s not easy for me. But you didn’t tell me about the future we could have. You kept that from me,” he scolds. I wince at the lethal edge in his tone. The vulnerability and hurt. He knows about the pregnancy. He has to.

I grind my molars. And like a coward, I flip him off and keep walking. I can’t talk to him about this. It has nothing to do with him. It’s my decision whether I keep and raise the baby on my own. And the decision won’t be dependent on this man.

I shouldn’t have worn my heels today. That was a stupid mistake. One I’m now paying for.

I cross my arms over my chest and try to walk faster, but I can still sense that he’s following me, so I try my hardest to lose him in the crowd. I’m unsure why he’s here, and to be honest, it’s messing with my head. We aren’t teenagers, and I feel like we laid everything out perfectly before I left New York, so seeing him again makes my heart beat faster and my hands sweatier, and I hate that he can get this reaction from me. No other man gives me heart palpitations like he does, even if he is hacking my emails.

Fucking asshole.

Before I can turn the corner, arms wrap around me from behind, and my legs are flipped out from beneath me as Will carries me bridal style, knocking the air out of my lungs. He turns me around and starts walking back the way we came.

“What are you doing? Put me down!” I demand as I thrash in his hold, equally embarrassed at the people watching us. I purposefully push at his face, which he spectacularly ignores.

“No, you’re cold and not thinking right. You’re angry and irrational. You can hit me when we’re in the car or you can wait until we get to your place. But we’re discussing this.”

This.

Us.

The enormity of what hasn’t yet been said out loud.

I kick back and forth, trying to escape his ironclad hold, furious that he knows. Wild that he can’t just let me go, to let me have enough breath from him to think straight. I keep hitting because I should hate this man. I do hate this man. But a tiny part of me clings to the fact that he followed me. A small part of me breaking, realizing that I can’t keep doing this.

“A little harder, love. I may like it.” I stop hitting him, and even when I try to wiggle free from his grasp, he doesn’t let me go. He just strides on, and the busy crowd parts for him like he’s some kind of God.

He finally stops and puts me down when I see an all-black car. He opens the door, but I refuse to get in.

“No, Will! Enough. I won’t be some consolation prize!” Now, I don’t even care who can hear me.

“You’re not!” he says desperately. “I’m losing my mind and I don’t know what to do. But, Alina, I know it all keeps coming back to you. I need you.”

“I need someone who can love me unconditionally, Will. Someone who won’t have me comparing myself with their past. Someone who makes me feel secure!” I adamantly say.

“You want me to drop down to one knee? I will,” he replies breathlessly.

My mouth opens and then snaps shut. Tears water my eyes, and a hot rage fills me. “How fucking dare you! Do you think I’m going to be appeased because you want to shut me up with a ring?”

“No, but I’m willing to give you whatever you want. I will take vows to chain myself to you, Alina, if that’s the start to make you feel secure.”

I scoff. “Is that what I am to you, a ball and chain?”

“You’re so much more and you know that,” he insists. “It’s not just the fun we have, Alina. You are a piece of me I didn’t realize that’s missing. That I never thought I could have again.”

It’s a cruel, twisted joke as I try to laugh between sobs. “And what about Hayley?” The ghost in the room, my unsaid competition. And I hate that I even think of her that way because I’ve never felt this way about someone who is so attached to his ghosts.

“I’m learning to let go,” he says quietly, and tears begin to well in his eyes. “Please, Alina, I’m trying. I want a future with you. I want a future where we can grow and build a family.”

I scoff at that last part, but I can’t even see him through the tears that fill my eyes.

“You never told me you were pregnant,” he adds, and I can feel my heart breaking.

“You don’t get a say in this!”

“Of course I get a say in this!” he screams back. Right now, despite the public display, it only feels like us.

“This might be a moment for you, a chivalrous responsibility you’re feeling, but this is my life. My responsibility. When you decide to come and go, I will be raising this child.”

“It’s not just you!”

“How is it not? How can you expect me to believe that you can go from ‘we’re just having a fling’ to ‘I want to put a ring on your finger and raise this child together’?”

“I ran into a burning building for you! I don’t know how else I can show you other than with actions as to how much I love you! I was in so much fucking fear that day that I thought I’d lose you!” More tears well in my eyes at his confession.

“I’ve tried so hard to keep you away because I thought it was best for you, but I’m too fucking selfish for that.” He takes a step forward. “I can’t… I just can’t imagine you in a world that doesn’t allow me in it. Yes, you started off as a job. But, Alina, you turned into a beacon I didn’t even realize I needed.” He’s a mess as he reaches for my hand. “Please, Alina. I will prove to you that I can be a better man. I will do anything that you ask of me.”

“And if I ask you to leave me alone?” I squeak out because this is ridiculous. It brings me too much pain and turmoil. It hurts and splits me in two, and I can’t handle the hold he has over me.

“I can’t do that,” he admits as he takes another step and encroaches further into my space. “I won’t let any other man have you. Steven’s lucky I didn’t fucking shoot him. I can’t do this without you, Alina. I’m fucking miserable.”

Tears stream down my cheeks as I look into his blue eyes that are also leaking tears, and I think this isn’t only me he’s mourning but perhaps what he’s forced to relinquish as he makes this confession. The wife of his past and the future with me he’s imagining for himself now.

“I fucking hate you so much,” I confess through a shaky breath. He should’ve stayed away and made it easier for the both of us. But I’m so tired of fighting him. Of fighting this connection.

“I know, love.” He dips his forehead to mine. “But I will find you no matter what part of the world you’re in. I just can’t stay away from you. Please let me stay,” he says quietly, and the vulnerability breaks me in two.

“It’s so complicated, Will. You can’t just decide to be with me because I’m pregnant. It’s not fair to either of us.”

He laughs, and it dispels the heaviness of the situation as I look up at him through wet lashes, surprised and uncertain. “If anything, it was the catalyst for me to get my sorry ass moving sooner. I want this with you, Alina, more than I’ve wanted anything else. I want to move forward with you. So I’d call it a blessing.”

I’m shocked, and the honest words slip from my mouth. “I’m scared. I’ve never done this before.”

He lets out a nervous breath, and his hand comes to rest on my cheek. “Neither have I, love. But with how much I filled you with my cum, I can’t say I’m all that surprised. And maybe I was a selfish prick for hoping it’d happen.”

I’m a mix of fury and disbelief. Don’t get me wrong, I understand we both got off on it, but I never actually thought it’d eventuate to this… Before I can feel any other type of way he confesses.

“I’m not a good man, but I’m yours if you’ll have me.”

I sigh with exhaustion and a spark of hope.

But there’s also the need to preserve myself, to want to shield myself from this vulnerability since I’d already been hurt by it before. The thought of hope and fear mix, trying to outweigh one another.

“This is wild, Will.” I try to envision what we might look like in the future.

“This is us, Alina. Wild, explosive, and hopefully a lot of hate fucking.”

I laugh at that, hating that he can make me laugh even under the circumstances. He wraps his arms around my waist, his gaze never leaving mine.

“When I tell you I love you, Alina, I mean it. I’ve been fixated on you from the moment I met you. No games, no ulterior motive. I just want us to move forward together.”

“What if you hate me for it?” I ask quietly. “What if you feel like you’re being trapped into this? Or you can’t let go of the past, or I don’t compare. Or…”

“You are your own experience and love, Alina. You’re not to be compared, and you trapped me inevitably the moment you first called me an asshole, and I tasted you for the first time on that flight.”

My heart is pounding because it all feels too real, too magical. It’s a gamble and a bet but with the highest stake–my heart.

“Here I thought I dodged a bullet with you,” I say, with the realization as to why I care so much about him hitting me at that moment. Because as much as we denied this thing between us, I’ve learned so much about myself with Will, and I wasn’t willing to admit that when I was in that fire. Besides my mother, he is the person I thought of most. And when he broke through those flames, I knew then, without a doubt, that I loved him. But I was always too scared to admit it. Because it was easier to push him away than risk the chances of my heart being broken.

He sighs, almost sounding defeated. “You and me both, love.”

“I love you, Will, but I still hate you.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way, milady,” he says before kissing me. It feels like the first breath I’ve taken since leaving New York. Like the piece I was missing has finally returned to me. And I realize now why it’d been so hard for me to settle on a location for my office. It was never about the place but the person I wanted to call home.