Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4 I’m getting ready for bed. It’s 11:30 at night and Boone and I spent a nice day together getting adjusted to the house, setting up his bed and crate and making sure he knows where his food and water bowls are. I even played a little with him out in the backyard, tossing one of his new toys around and laughing as he charged head over tail to get it. It felt good to laugh.

Boone went into his crate with no complaints, happily snuggling down in the blankets I bought for him. I set up his crate in the corner of the bedroom and he seems content to lay there and watch me ready myself for bed.

I’m standing at the bathroom counter, brushing my teeth and feeling better about myself then I have in a while. I can see Boone from the mirror and I like that he’s watching me, like my own personal sentinel.

I open a drawer to find a hair tie and I come across Eric’s razor. And his toothbrush. And all his other bathroom necessities. I don’t know why I looked in this drawer since I’ve know this was his drawer ever since we built this house. Seeing his stuff laying dormant there, never to be used again, strips my good feelings away like skinning a live animal might feel. My skin turns to ice and I break out in a cold sweat. I can feel myself start to hyperventilate and my eyes mist up with tears.

I can still hear his laughter reverberate through the bathroom. I’m sitting on the bathroom floor, shaking like a leaf and clutching my knees to my chest. I was so wrapped up in that one stupid memory I don’t even remember sliding to the floor. My toothbrush is laying on the floor, toothpaste speckled all around me. It must have fallen from my mouth. I can’t remember. My breathing is rapid and I’m making this high-pitched whining sound. There’s a clattering noice ringing in my ears. I don’t know what that’s from. I don’t know anything, other then the fact that Eric no longer needs his old toothbrush and I will never stand with him again at this counter and make eyes at one another like we’re love-sick teenagers. The whole in my chest feels like it’s growing and I whine louder.

What the fuck is happening to me?

I feel my heart start to slow down and realize with a jolt that it’s not me making that whining sound, but Boone. I look up and see him pawing at his crate door, which would explain the clattering noise I’m hearing. He’s panting and whining and I feel like the biggest heel.

“Oh my God, Boone, I’m so sorry.” I crawl over to him, not trusting my legs to carry me after my episode. He doesn’t calm much and continues his attack on the crate door. I unlatch it and he’s instantly out and in my arms. He’s stopped whining but now his little body wriggles against me, sniffing and tasting to make sure I’m okay. His concern brings fresh tears to my eyes. “I’m so, so sorry, bud. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But I’ll try to do better.”

He looks up at me, “I’s scared. But I’s okay now. You okay now too.”

“You think so? Damn, Boone…I just don’t know how I’m ever going to be okay again. And it hits me at the most random times. I don’t expect the attacks…they come out of the blue and slice right through me.”

His soulful eyes gaze at me, “It won’t be good for awhile. But I’s here. I’s take care of you. Then you take care of me. We team now.”

I half laugh, half sob. He’s so right. We are a team now. It’s Sal and Boone.

“Hey Boone. How would you like to sleep with me tonight? Just tonight. Then we can start the crating tomorrow.”

As if he understands me, he crawls off my lap and goes to stand by the bed, panting expectantly.

I turn out the lights and lift Boone since he’s still too small to jump onto my rather monstrous bed. It’s one of those beds that has the drawers underneath so it’s unnaturally tall. I clamor atop the covers myself, draw them back and watch as Boone settles down practically on my face. He’s laying on his side, his head resting on Eric’s pillow and his little paws stretched out towards me. He sighs contentedly. I turn to lay on my side facing him. Just seeing another breathing being laying next to me is enough to calm my still frazzled nerves. I don’t even realize I’m doing it, but I find my hand reaching for his little paw and, God bless him, Boone lets me fall asleep holding his hand.

~~~

“What the fuck am I looking at?”

I make an attempt to open my eyes and it’s hard. I must have cried in my sleep again since it feels like my eyelids are glued together and I have those nasty little crusty-things to rub away. Suddenly I feel a little wet tongue start to lick up my face. I half laugh and half groan as I make a more asserted effort to wake up on my own, without the help of Boone or whoever seems to be talking to me.

“Seriously, Sal. What the hell?”

I roll over and see Megan staring at me and Boone like I’ve somehow been caught with a strange man in my bed. Her face is a mask of surprise. James stands next to her with a suppressed smile lighting up his face.

“Uh…how did you two get in?” I yawn loudly and Boone follows suit, stretching wildly, legs and tail flailing.

“You gave us a key, you dingleberry. When I didn’t hear from you yesterday I started to worry. So I’ll ask again…What. The. Hell?”

“Oh yeah. So…this is Boone.” I swear he knows I’m talking about him because he gets up and walks over to the edge of the bed, as if making a formal introduction. His tail wags gently and he smiles at Megan and James like the little heartbreaker he is. Megan’s face of surprise practically melts and James takes no time in starting up the scratch-fest. Before I know it, Boone has them enamored and I think I’m off the hook until I throw back the covers and fall out of bed.

“HOLY SHIT! Sal! What the fuck happened to your legs?!” Since I sleep in an oversized nightshirt, my legs are the first thing you see because they are about a mile long. It worked to my advantage in my ballerina days, but now I feel my face turning a deep crimson, shame overtaking me.

I only cut once or twice and that was back in college when I found out my parents were divorcing. I don’t condone it, but sometimes, when the pain is just too much I need something, , to get the pain out. Focusing on physical pain is a hell of a lot easier then emotional pain. But boy, did I catch hell for it from Eric.

What Megan and James are staring at now are two deep lacerations, red and scabbing over, that I gave myself the day after the hospital called me. I don’t even remember doing it.

Boone senses the vibes emitting from me and starts a gentle whine. I don’t have words for Megan right now, so I pick up Boone and make a run for the bathroom, locking the door just in time before I hear Megan curse colorfully and start banging on the door.

“Sal! Goddamnit, get out here! Talk to us!”

I hear James say softly, “Megan. Give her a minute, will you? Jesus, breathe, babe.”

I don’t know what’s going on on the other side of the door, but I can only assume James is using his esteemed calming powers to coax Megan away from the cliff of hysteria. I can’t blame her. If I saw this on her I’d wig out too. I just need a few moments to compose myself before I face them.

I set Boone down on the floor and he looks up at me, “You don’t do anymore, do you?”

“It was just that one time, Boone.”

“Can I’s see?”

“Ummm…okay…” I kneel down and let him nose at my cuts. He sniffs them thoroughly, like a little fuzzy doctor doing an examination. He plops his butt on the floor and looks up at me with sadness in his eyes, “No more.”

I don’t know why I think he’s saying this to me, but I know he is. He’s hurt and offended by what I’ve done, just like Megan is. It doesn’t matter that I did this before I brought him home with me. Team Sal and Boone need to stick together and if I’m cutting, well, that isn’t exactly sportsman-like conduct. He walks over to the door and starts pawing at it and then looks at me again, “Talk to them.”

I close my eyes and inhale deeply.

I slip on a pair of sweatpants and open the door to find Megan and James sitting on my bed. James has his arm around her and I see her swiping at her face, angry tears falling down her cheeks. They both look at me, a cacophony of emotions running through their eyes.

“Let’s go talk. I’ll make some coffee.”

“You better fucking believe we’re talking, woman.” Even pissed at me, Megan loops her arm through mine and the four of us make our way downstairs, Boone leading the pack.

~~~

“Let’s begin with the most pressing matter…when did you cut, Sal?” James is leaning against the counter, his usual stance I’ve come to find, coffee cup in hand. Megan is sitting next to me on the kitchen island, Boone happily munching away at his breakfast.

I’m staring into my coffee cup, afraid to meet anyones gaze, as I whisper, “The day after the hospital called.” I sound like a five year old explaining why I drew on the wall.

James bobs his head in understanding and Megan grabs my hand and squeezes it, for her reassurance or mine I do not know.

“Have you done it since?” Megan is trying to keep her cool but I can tell she’s a blink away from blowing a fuse.

“No. It’s just those two.” I sip my coffee and act like it’s the most normal thing in the world to cut your body up. It doesn’t seem to work.

“Why the hell didn’t you call me?!” Megan explodes off the counter, startling Boone to within an inch of his life. He scuttles towards me and takes refuge under my dangling feet.

“Why didn’t you call? Text? Christ, Sal. Why did you…do this?!” Megan is a great lawyer and it’s probably because she knows how to get passionate. Right now she’s passionate and my toes curl at the size of the ass she’s about to hand me.

I have no answer for her, of course, because I don’t even remember doing it. I say as much and that seems to give her pause.

“Were you drunk?” This comes from James. He’s not accusatory or suspicious, just genuinely curious.

“No, that’s the thing. I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t high, I wasn’t anything. All I remember is getting the call from the hospital saying he was dead. Every day after that is a muddled mess.”

“Sal…” Megan comes to stand in front of me and cups my face with her hands, forcing me to look her in the eye, “You swear to Lucifer that you haven’t done it since? I’ll strip you down and examine you myself if I have to.” I can’t help but smile at that. Because I know she damn-well would.

“Yes. Megan, I swear on our friendship I haven’t. I haven’t so much as thought of it until now. I don’t want to kill myself, I don’t want to die. At least…not as much as I wanted to a few days ago.” My eyes slip towards Boone, who’s still sitting under my feet and smiling up at me, sensing that the mood has changed and he’s obviously happy about it.

Megan gives me a fierce hug and James joins in, wrapping us up like a couple of toddlers inside his big arms and giving us a big squeeze.

“Now…for the second matter at hand,” James releases us and bends down to give Boone his second belly scratch of the morning, “Who is this little guy and when did you find time to get a dog? He is yours, right?”

I hop off the counter and bend over to swoop Boone up into my arms. His tongue is instantly kissing my face and I feel the shame from before start to dissipate.

“I found time yesterday. That’s why I cancelled lunch on you, Megan. I was browsing Facebook and came across one of those paid-for ads. Boone’s picture was on it and there was just something about him…I can’t explain it. I woke up the next morning and made a snap decision.”

“I’m not trying to be a party-pooper but do you think you’re ready for a puppy?” Megan, ever the practical one, is having a hard time not reaching out to stroke Boone’s soft coat. I can tell she’s trying to reserve herself, but I will come to find that you can’t reserve yourself were Boone is concerned. He’s just too likable.

“I know it seems a little crazy, but like I said, there was just something about him. For the first time in over a week I wore real clothes, went out into society and even managed to cook myself dinner…all because I had Boone with me. Let’s be honest…he’s a better distraction then falling into a bottle of wine, isn’t he? Also…I kinda had another episode last night and I swear to God, Boone sensed it and pulled me out of it.”

“What kind of episode?” Concern instantly laces Megan’s face.

“Freak-out session. I accidentally opened Eric’s bathroom drawer.” I don’t need to say much else. They both nod in understanding.

“Well, hey, if Boone can keep you from going off the deep end I’m happy,” Megan says as she tentatively scratches him behind the ears. A small smile creeps up and her eyes melt into pools of instant love. “He’s pretty freaking adorable.”

As I hold Boone in my arms and watch Megan and James fawn all over him, I have to wonder if maybe I made one of the better decisions in my life. No, it won’t be easy. Yes, I will no doubt have more episodes and freak-outs and produce lack-luster writing because my inspiration has been taken from me. But maybe the road won’t be as rocky as I once anticipated it to be. Hell, if Boone can pull me out of the dark abyss of epic freak-outs, I guess anything is possible.