Anticipation

As I walked down the steps towards the stage, with seats on both sides of me, the only thing I was focused on was scanning the small group of people at the foot of the stage.

My heart started to race and my sweaty palms were uncontrollable, beyond the point of wiping away the moisture with a simple tissue. I knew Mark was speaking to me, but I didn't hear anything he was saying. All I could do was make eye contact with each person and identify  anyone who may look like Nate.

Fortunately, after scanning all the faces, his face was absent from the crowd. After a few seconds, my panic settled down.  I wondered where Nate was for just a second until I saw Mr. Whethers coming towards me with a huge grin on his face. He still had his gray, comb-over hair and wore big glasses and a button-down shirt without a tie.

I walked over and hugged my mentor, the person who really saved me from the loneliness of high school and the dreaded lunch period, which was always a thorn in my side.

Back during freshman year, Mr. Whethers noticed me eating alone at a table. He suggested having lunch in the music room and welcomed me to practice my guitar. After a while, some other kids who didn't quite fit in were invited to do the same. I cherished those times when we would sit back and relax and just play music instead of worrying who we would sit next to at lunch.

After our reunion, I met a mix of teachers and administration. Some names I recognized from the email, but still no Nate, but I wasn't going to ask about him.

Unbeknownst to me, the fundraiser had turned into quite a big deal. The ten thousand goal had already been reached after selling raffle tickets for the auction. I contributed some autographed items, plus a couple backstage, one-on-one, meet and greets.

I was flattered at the recognition but still dumbfounded my name could save anything, let alone a high school's entire music program.

Mark showed us around the stage as I planned out where I was going to perform and how the show would be set up. I wanted the vibe to be like I was in my living room, just casually singing songs, just me and my guitar, like in the beginning.

As Lily and my father made small talk with Mark, I realized my bladder was about to explode. I nervously drank a ton of water on the ride to our old house and then continued to do so on the ride to the high school.

"Do you mind if I use the restroom?" I said, slightly squeezing my legs together without anyone knowing.

"Of course," Mark said without hesitation, "do you remember where it is?"

I nodded as I quickly excused myself from the conversation.

As I walked down a short hallway to get to the girl's bathroom, the smell of the halls and floors resonated with me. For a second, I felt like that awkward girl whose body was slow to develop and who had a guitar as a best friend.

I pushed open the bathroom door and practically ran into the stall, barely making the toilet.

While I washed my hands, I looked into the slightly dirty mirror, and realized I was not that girl I had reminisced about just minutes before. My boobs had filled out to a respectable 34B, I worked hard at the gym  for my toned figure, and I wasn't as quiet as I once was, which meant I stuck up for myself.

I walked out of the bathroom feeling refreshed and less anxious.

Then, everything changed.

At first, I heard faint footsteps, then they became slightly louder.

"Nick?"

I heard a faint but firm voice behind me.

There was only one person who called me Nick. I stopped in my tracks.

"Nicky..."

It felt like my heart stopped for just a second, then the beats increased from there, a rush of adrenaline pumped through my body.

I slowly turned around to face the one person who I didn't want to see.

He was standing ten feet away from me.

The boy I spent so much time with growing up was now a man.

He appeared clean-cut with his gelled, chestnut hair swept to one side. He seemed even more fit and toned than his football days. His brown eyes seemed intense for a second then an upbeat smile appeared. The famous dimple, still perfectly placed...

This was worst-case scenario.

"I'm glad you came back," he said almost hopeful.

"Are you kidding me?" I shouted with a level of anger I had never experienced before.

"What do you mean?" he said almost innocently.

I stood there in silence.

My ex-best friend, who showed decency and sincerity for me when he was twelve-years-old, couldn't show me the same when he was almost twenty-four?

Did he not realize he almost ruined my life?

"I'm sorry about your mom," he said almost robotically, like he had rehearsed the words beforehand.

I lost it again.

My anger turned up a notch, to a level of almost rage.

"That's it? You're sorry about my mother?" I yelled, without a care about where we were or who could hear us.

Nate's face became blank, not knowing what to say.

"I wanted to..." he said before I interrupted him.

"Don't talk to me," I said shaking my head. "I'm not here for you. I'm here to help the people who actually cared about me when I needed them the most."

Nate knew exactly what I was talking about.

"I'm sorry about everything. I was hoping you would come back so I could tell you that," he said almost seeming sincere.

"So...you're sorry NOW?" I shouted as Lily appeared in the hallway.

"What's going on?" she asked, interrupting us as she walked down to the standoff between the two of us, "I could hear you all the way in there."

Lily pointed in the direction of the auditorium.

"Nothing, " I shook my head and turned to walk away.

"Nicky, let's just talk," Nate pleaded as he put his hands out to try to persuade me to stay.

"We could've talked a long time ago," my voice cracked a little bit.  I needed to get out of there, I wasn't going to let my emotions get a hold of me.

I turned to Lily, "Let's go."

As Lily and I started to walk away, I heard his distant voice behind me.

"I want to make this right, Nicky," he said, almost apologetic.

I didn't look back and continued to walk down the hallway towards the EXIT.

Lily tried to stop me.

"But we haven't finished in there," she lightly murmured, pointing to the auditorium.

"We're finished."

"Nicky?" Nate said louder than the last time,  a last-ditch effort to get my attention.

"Are you going to answer him?" Lily whispered, leaning in as we continued to walk in the other direction.

I simply shook my head. I had no words to say.

After Lily rounded up my dad from the auditorium, the car ride was silent as we headed to the hotel.

I used my key card to enter my room. I switched  the lights on and closed the door behind me.

The room was a bedroom suite with a living space and separate bedroom. I placed my bags on a nearby chair and walked around the place, taking in my surroundings. As I entered the bedroom, I plunked down on top of the soft comforter, shook my leather boots off, and placed my head down on the luxurious pillows.

I needed a little time to be alone and just think.

After a quiet dinner with my dad, Lily and I headed out to a local  bar down the street that our waiter had suggested. I disguised myself by wearing another tattered baseball cap and ripped jeans while Lily wore a designer halter and tight, black leggings.

When we walked into the bar, we saw pool tables in the back and some tables scattered off to the side of the bar. We headed straight to the end of the mostly empty bar, out of sight from any of the other patrons, and sat down on two of the stools.

We asked for two shots of tequila from the hot bartender who could've been someone I went to school with back in the day, but who knew. We quickly shot down the liquid pain reliever and then asked for vodka tonics.

I played with the paper straw  in my drink as Lily just stared at me.

"I think you need to just air everything out with him. I don't think you should leave here with any questions or regrets," she said honestly, like a good friend would.

"I can't believe how angry I was," I said. "I mean, one minute I'm so nervous about seeing him and then the next, I turned into someone I didn't even know."

"You're just a hot mess," she said with a straight face, trying to make me crack a smile.

"True story."

Both of us laughed as we picked our glasses up and cheered to my mess of a life.

"How about some pool?" she said, nudging my arm as she pointed over at the busy tables.

I glanced over and realized Lily probably had her sights on some random guy playing pool.

"You go ahead, I'm fine right here."

Lily popped out of her chair, "Ok, just one game."

She trotted off with all available eyes on her as she placed her quarters down on a table like the seductive little thing she was.

As I thought about having another drink, I felt someone walk over and sit right next to me. The bar was basically empty, plenty of seats available, but this person just had to sit right next to me.

This always happened to me. I was a magnet for these people and it wasn't because I was semi-famous, I just had bad luck.

I nonchalantly glanced over at the person, my eyesight hindered slightly from the rim of my hat.

I quickly looked back at my drink.

"Can I get whatever you have on draft," Nate said to the bartender.

Nate sat next to me dressed in casual attire,  jeans and a t-shirt.  I looked straight ahead without eye contact.

"Are you following me?"

The bartender placed his beer in front of him.

"No," he replied, taking a sip of his drink.

"I hope we can just talk," he said, placing his beer down. He tried to meet my gaze.

The last time I saw his face, up close and personal like that, was five years previous.

The memory was forever ingrained in my mind.

Everything started to become all too real for me.

Even after everything he did to me, I finally had to admit to myself,  I never truly got over Nate Stanton.