Honestly

The back of the school was quiet compared to the ruckus from earlier in the day in the front of the school. I leaned up against the warm, brick building, wondering how I got there.

The only real person I could blame was myself.

The back door opened slowly, and I realized this was the moment I could've avoided if I didn't succumb to all those festering emotions after my mother's death.

Revenge was not like me. The whole situation completely sucked.

Nate peeked his head out from behind the door, almost acting like he was being set up. Maybe the door would lock behind him, and he'd miss the concert.

That actually would've been a good idea if I had thought of it beforehand.

When Nate finally saw me, he let the door close behind him as he walked towards me.

"So...are you ready to talk," he said in a monotone voice as he stood next to me, leaning against the same wall with his hands placed nervously in his pockets.

I took a breath and stared into his eyes.

"I thought you were drunk that night, that's why I went over. I wanted to check on you," I said shaking my head. "Even after you pretended you didn't know me at school, I still cared about what happened to you."

Nate looked down at the ground.

"I wasn't drunk," he somberly said.

"I wish you had been," I confessed. "Why did you have to say all those things? You confused me so much that I thought you were actually telling me the truth," I said, tearing up in front of him for the first time since our reunion.

I couldn't hold back the emotions any longer, my heart felt like it was being crushed all over again.

Nate moved closer,  face to face again, like at the bar.

"Maybe this isn't the right time to be talking about this," Nate said softly as he looked around at the school grounds and not-so-private setting.

"We have to talk about it now," I said adamantly, still with tears in my eyes. "You don't understand..."

As I was just about to tell Nate about the song, a student emerged out of nowhere.

"She's over here," the kid shouted as a few more students ran into sight.

Nate and I both panicked.

"Follow me," he said ushering me away from the kids and back into the school safely.

I wiped the small amount of tears off my face as we tried to catch our breath from the quick escape, then Lily appeared.

"It's GO time," she simply said.

I looked at her, then looked at Nate, then looked back at her.

"But I need a couple more minutes," I said frantically.

Lily shook her head at me.

"The technicians need you, something didn't seem right with soundcheck. We won't be on time if you don't go right now and fix it," she declared as she strangely focused on my face, "and we should fix this, too."

Lily used her hand to emphasize something was not quite right with my makeup,  but she couldn't figure out why.

Nate tried to make it easy for me, saying he hoped we would continue the conversation later. He didn't know I wasn't planning on sticking around. Lily had already re-arranged our travel plans to leave that night.

Nate wished me good luck and walked away without any time for me to say anything else. As I watched him disappear out of sight, I knew that would be the last time I would see him.

I felt catatonic as Lily prepped me to go on stage as she almost had to physically place my guitar strap around my neck for me.

The roller coaster I had set out on a year or so ago was about to hit the top of the track, the only thing left was the free fall.

"Would you like any water before you go on?" my dad asked.

I simply shook my head.

I couldn't eat or drink. I also couldn't wipe my sweaty palms on my white, eyelet dress, seeing an ounce of dirt or sweat would show up.

"Break a leg," Lily said as she gave me a little tap on the butt, a ritual she had always done to make me laugh before going on stage.

Her antics didn't work on me that day.

After that, everything seemed to be in slow-mo. Mark called me to the stage. As I stood there with him, the glare of the lights made it difficult for me to see anyone in the crowd.

Maybe that was a good thing.

After expressing his deepest thanks for my appearance that day and for all the support in making the music department a success, Lily walked out on stage. She handed me the larger-than-life sized check for twenty-five thousand dollars, the final amount we raised for the department.

As I handed the check to Mark, we both posed for a photograph as reporters snapped away.

Beneath my smile, I felt numb.

As Mark handed the large check to his assistant principal, he grabbed the microphone to introduce me. I walked towards the middle of the stage to set up with my guitar.

I placed my hand up to block the spotlight from my eyes to search the crowd quickly for Nate, but I couldn't find him. I would've liked to know where he was at least standing or sitting so I could avoid looking in that direction.

Mark began to introduce me as I tried to center myself and put on a "happy" face for my fans.

"Nicky has her second album coming out called, HONESTLY."

I cringed as he mentioned the title.

"The album is being released today. We are so honored she has decided to debut her first track right here, where her career all started, " he announced as the crowd cheered at the news.

As Mark walked off the stage, I stood, front and center, just me and my guitar.

I thanked the students for being so kind in welcoming me back to my old school, then I started to strum my guitar.

After singing four songs off the first album, the crowd cheered. The time had come to introduce the fifth and final song, the debut of, "Honestly."

I had no Idea what I was going to say as words started to flow out of my mouth.

The audience fell silent, you could hear a pin drop, as I placed my hand on the microphone. I glanced down at the floor, trying to not make eye contact with anyone.

"This last song is the debut track for my second album," the crowd interrupted with cheers and some "hoots."

"The song is also the title of the album."

I stopped talking for a second and took a breath. Anxiety started to build up, but I tried to ignore it best as I could. I just needed to get through one more song.

"I put my whole heart into this album, and I think the lyrics speak for themselves," I said, closing my eyes.

"This is called, Honestly."

I placed my hands on my guitar for the final time that day.

The audience became completely silent as I began to sing.

The world seemed so small

In that tiny treehouse

Waiting for an answer

Honestly, tell me the truth

That night

Beneath the stars

Love was just another word

Honestly, tell me the truth

Tears for days

Promises forgotten

Thought things would change

Honestly, tell me the truth

Your skin on mine

Every touch felt like home

Nothing will ever be the same

Honestly, tell me the truth

The one thing

Gone without a trace

I wanted it to be you

Honestly, tell me the truth

I'll never know why

The pain, forever and always

There's no turning back

Honestly, tell me the truth

I slowly opened my eyes after singing the last note.

SILENCE... then the crowd stood up and gave me a standing ovation followed by some whistles and students shouting my name, "NICKY!"

I should've embraced the moment as a complete success, but my heart was too overwhelmed with sorrow.

I just relived the worst day of my life in front of the one person who truly understood what the song was about...him.