The Moral Dilemma: Chapter 13

“YOU’RE CRAZY TO GO BACK,” Lucero shook her head at her. “He’s out of control, Noelle. What if he actually you?”

“I won’t go inside,” she said, wetting her lips. “I’ll speak with him as before, through the wall and I will try to make him understand…”

“What if he doesn’t?” Lucero pointed out.

Noelle averted her gaze, her eyes red, tears clinging to her lashes.

“It’s my fault, isn’t it? It’s all my fault,” she whispered, feeling more inconsolable than she’d been her entire life. Even when she’d been at Sergio’s mercy and he’d beaten her within an inch of her life, she’d never been hopeless as she was in this moment.

If Raf shunned her… If he rejected her… She truly didn’t know what she would do.

“You knew you’d have to tell him the truth at some point.”

“I’ll manage it somehow,” Noelle sighed.

Before Lucero could point out that she’d been wrong to deceive him from the beginning, Noelle went out the door, heading to the drug facility.

First, she dropped by her office, checking on Raf via the video feed. According to the records, he should be off the drug by now. She sighed in relief, thinking he might be more willing to listen to her without the stimulant messing with his temper.

Noelle pretended to work for a while until the road was clear for her to go to him. This time, however, instead of going straight to his room, she went to the adjacent one. Just like the cells, the walls weren’t thick enough to mask noise—most likely because Sergio was a stingy bastard who used the cheapest materials.

It was no wonder the temple itself had collapsed. If he wasn’t bothered to invest in the things that mattered to him, she would never expect him to pour money into something as insignificant as quarters for the test subjects.

She closed the door to the room behind her, locking it from the inside and leaving the key in the hole—just in case. Slowly, she moved to the wall that separated Raf from her.

Her limbs were trembling, her confidence in shreds as she expected him to yell at her and tell her how much he hated her. She’d thought she was ready to receive his disdain, but as she opened her mouth to call out his name, she realized she was nowhere near. She would be ready. Hell, it was her biggest nightmare.

If he didn’t forgive her, how was she to continue on living?

That question was forever at the forefront of her thoughts.

Since she had fallen for him, he’d become her beacon of light—her entire reason for being. Without him…

, she whispered to herself. She wished she could give herself a pep talk, anything to bolster her dying confidence. But her only remaining strength was being used to keep her tears at bay.

She removed a small tablet from her purse, clicking on the video feed from his room.

He was huddled in his bed, his frame too big for the mattress. Was he shaking?

Noelle frowned. He’d been fine a moment ago.

He was holding onto his pillow tightly, his eyes squeezed shut.

Immediately worry suffused her being, erasing all previous anxiety. Her fear for him was overriding her fear for herself. Before she even realized what she’d done, his name was out of her mouth, at first barely a whisper.

“Raf?” She cleared her throat, her voice louder.

“Lucero?” There was confusion in his voice.

She heard shuffling as he moved closer, and watching the video, she saw him look around for the source of her voice.

“I’m in the room next to you,” she repeated.

His ears perked up and he hurried to the wall, his palms spreading over its surface as he searched for her.

“Lucero? It’s you?” he asked again, almost as if he didn’t dare believe it was her. “What are you doing here? Please don’t tell me they’re keeping you prisoner here too,” he added, anguish lacing his words.

Noelle frowned.

He called her Lucero still, even though he must know by now she’d lied about her identity. More than that, he seemed genuinely worried about her, angry.

“No, I came for you. I’m sorry it took me this long, I didn’t know where they had moved you…”

“Don’t,” he rasped out.

He pressed his head onto the wall, one palm on each side as he slowly banged his forehead against the hard surface.

Noelle froze, instinctively knowing it was coming. He was going to tell her all he thought about her and how much he hated her. Though she tried to add a layer of steel to her heart, she failed miserably as a sob broke through the air.

“Don’t you dare apologize. God… Please don’t take any risks for me. This is too dangerous, If they find you here… If they find you and do to you what they did to me, I don’t think I could bear that.”

“What do you mean?” Noelle blinked. He called her —he’d called her that before as he’d caressed her flesh and kissed her lips. It was an intimate endearment and one he’d used when he still thought she was Lucero.

“They… They injected me with something, Lucero. I don’t know what it is. I only know that I lose control like never before—of my body, of my mind, of every fucking thing.” He took a deep breath. “That shit does something to my mind,” he continued, his voice barely controlled. “I lose chunks of time and I don’t remember anything. Anything at .”

“Raf… What are you talking about?”

“One moment I think I’m fine, the next, I wake up shivering in the shower, with no memory of what happened before, or of how much time has passed. But I heard the guards speak. I heard them say I ” he emphasized the words.

“They’re drugging you,” she replied.

“I don’t know what it is, but God, Lucero… The period in-between is the worst. It starts slowly and I can barely function until they give me the next dose.”

“Raf… We need to get you out of here,” she told him.

All at once, a few things were clear. He didn’t remember her coming to him, nor did he remember her.

She felt awful for feeling relief at his memory loss.

“How?”

“I’ll figure something out, I promise you,” she vowed solemnly. “I won’t let you waste away in here.”

“Please don’t put yourself at risk for me. Please, Lucero,” he begged her, his voice ragged and full of emotion. “I can withstand this. But if anything were to happen to you…”

“I’ll be careful. I swear. You may be able to withstand this, but it’s killing me to know they’re experimenting on you. That they’re…” her voice caught in her throat.

How hypocritical of her to say that when was part of that they—she was the fucking mastermind behind the damn drug he’d been given.

How the hell could she ask for any forgiveness when everything was all her fault? And even as she wished she could free him right this moment, she knew he wouldn’t make it past the front door, never mind further than that. She was fucking useless and it tore at her.

There she was, in charge of the facility but helpless to help the man she loved.

“Just hearing your voice, I already feel better,” he suddenly said.

He was moving his finger on the wall, Noelle noticed as she gazed at her tablet. She zoomed in on it to get a better look, surprised to see he was writing her name—well, her name.

“I’ll come as soon as I can. I’m not giving up on you.”

“Lucero…” Raf interjected. He looked up, his eyes closed as he took a deep breath. His features seemed pained, and that worried her.

“Tell me you’re not hurt,” she demanded. “Please tell me you’re alright.”

“As well as I can be, I guess,” he answered with a sigh. “At least I’m not dead. They were wondering what to do with me, you know. They couldn’t allow me to go back with the other slaves, so it was either this, or death. I’d rather say this is better than death,” he chuckled.

“Please don’t joke about that,” Noelle murmured worriedly.

“I’m good, Lucero. Aside from the drug and those periods of black-outs, this is much better than the isolation cells. I have a shower, clothes, and food. I have a clean bed—all luxuries before. I guess it’s only when you hit rock bottom that you realize how precious the things you took for granted before were.”

Noelle nibbled at her lip, unable to find a reply.

“I used to hate my existence before because I couldn’t live with myself for what I’d done. I’d buried everything inside of me until I became one with my pain. So much so that I refused to see the life that was in front of me and the privilege I had,” Raf continued.

“Sometimes it takes losing everything to realize what we have,” Noelle added absentmindedly, resting her back against the wall. “But this is not the end, Raf. If anything, it’s just the beginning.”

“I wish that were true…”

“Talk to me,” she said, needing the closure, but also feeling the turmoil inside of him that needed to be let out. “Tell me everything you’ve never told another soul—not even to yourself.”

Taking a step back, Raf collapsed to the floor, leaned against the wall and brought his fingers to his forehead.

“I hated myself,” he started. “Maybe I still do…”

Noelle just listened. She let him pour his heart out while she did her best to be as supportive as she could of him.

He told her about his time in college and his battle with depression. He recounted how he’d found his refuge in video games since he didn’t want to face the reality—of what he’d done and who he’d become.

He hated everything about himself to the point that he wished for invisibility.

His tone shifted, becoming more affectionate as he told her about his online friend—curiouscat. The more he spoke, the more Noelle realized just how alike they’d been. Both lonely and alone, both seeking refuge in each other.

She’d run away from her home life, hiding from everyone’s scorn. He’d done the same.

She’d found peace in their daily conversations. He’d done the same.

“Curiouscat sounds like an awesome person,” she mentioned after a while, a smile on her face as she remembered their banter and the easy flow of their conversations—the same flow that they had now.

There was something utterly peaceful about having someone she could confide in. Maybe she couldn’t tell him the extent of who she was or what she’d done, but she could tell him what was in her heart—something she’d never told anyone else before. And just like her, he found it easy to share his deepest secrets with her—those thoughts that one could barely admit to ones’ self, let alone to another person.

was what brought them close.

was the foundation of their relationship. The fact that they could bare their hearts to one another and not be ashamed of the darkness that lay within, the shame, the unfulfilled desires…

“She was,” he chuckled. “I thought things were fine between us, but she simply stopped talking to me after we were supposed to meet for the first time. Sometimes I wonder…”

“What?” Noelle frowned.

“I wonder if she didn’t actually come there only to leave when she realized what I looked like. Instead of rejecting me, she just stopped talking to me.”

“Are you serious?” Noelle squeaked. “How could she not like you?”

“I…” he paused, his lips pursed. “I wasn’t doing well, Lucero. My appearance was worse than it is now if you can believe it,” he laughed.

“I don’t believe that, Raf. You’re the most handsome man I’ve ever seen,” she declared staunchly.

“You’ve only seen me beaten and bruised,” he said and smiled. “How can you say that?” He shook his head.

“Because it’s true. For me, you’re the handsomest man alive.”

“Thank you,” he said quietly. “I’m happy you think that,” he added with a hint of a smile.

“She might have had other reasons,” she blurted out, unable to help herself. “Curiouscat. What if she didn’t want to stand you up but she just couldn’t make it?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if… What if something happened to her?”

He was quiet for a moment as he mulled over her words.

“I never thought of that. I was so wrapped up in my own failures that I could only justify that she didn’t want to meet me because she didn’t like my physical appearance. But you’re right… What if something happen to her?”

He went silent again.

“God, what if I’ve been blaming her all along for something that wasn’t her fault? What if she…”

“You’ll find her,” Noelle interjected. “I have all the faith in the world that you will. And you’ll clear things out.”

“You’re awfully optimistic today,” he joked. “Thank you for trying to make me feel better,” he added, his tone serious. “It never fails to amaze me how one conversation with you can make me feel like a new man. You give me hope…” The last words were barely audible. But Noelle had her ear to the wall, absorbing every bit of his presence she could.

“No, give me hope, Raf. And I swear to you. One way or another, we’re getting out of here. Together.”

“Together,” he repeated, tipping his head back as a peaceful smile painted his lips.

Noelle brought the tablet to her mouth for a quick kiss, imagining she was kissing the real him. At that moment, she vowed that she would find a way for him to escape. Whether she could go with him, or if he her with him… Well, that was another issue. And Noelle would leave it completely up to him.

When the time came for her to leave, her heart broke into pieces. Just being close to him, even through a wall, was a balm to her soul—one she couldn’t live without.

“I’ll come again, Raf. I…” she trailed off, the words on the tip of her tongue.

“I know, Lucero,” he replied, his lips tipped up. “Me too.”