The Moral Dilemma: Chapter 15

NOELLE STARED into the mirror as she applied the red lipstick to her lips, tracing her cupid’s bow with her finger to remove any residue.

She’d watched her brother leave from the window of her apartment, and as his car had slowly left the hacienda, she’d finally managed to find her composure.

Although she was proud of how she’d stood up to him, she couldn’t help but feel a pang in her chest at the meeting, especially considering the last time they’d crossed paths had been when he’d handed her to Sergio at the altar.

“I don’t need him,” she whispered to herself. “I don’t need anyone but my Raf.”

Cisco was too late. There was nothing he could do for her now. Not when her family had ignored her when she’d needed them the most.

Placing the lipstick onto her vanity, she took a kohl pencil and lined her eyes before topping everything with mascara.

“Why are you putting on makeup?” Lucero’s voice took her by surprise.

Startled, Noelle turned to see her friend take a seat on the bed.

Lucero was wearing a brown linen dress that covered most of the marks on her body. Her hair was plaited in two braids on each side. Compared to her, Lucero’s face was scrubbed free of makeup, her features bright and clear.

“I was in the mood.” Noelle shrugged.

“Is it because of your brother? Did anything happen?”

“He came to take me home. I didn’t want to go,” she answered nonchalantly.

“Why? Why would you refuse when this could be your way out?” Lucero frowned.

“Because that would have meant leaving Raf behind. And I won’t do it.”

“But… Couldn’t you have told your brother about him? He could have helped you both…”

“No,” Noelle said sharply. “I don’t trust my brother, least of all with Raf. And I don’t trust that once Sergio realizes who he is to me he will stand still. The moment he realizes my weakness, he strike, Lulu. I am absolutely sure of it. I can’t show weakness.”

Lucero pursed her lips.

“He still came for you. Isn’t that worth something?”

“Is it when he brought me here in the first place?” Noelle mused. “Our relationship ceased to exist the moment he sacrificed me for his happiness.”

Turning her attention to her vanity, she picked up a bottle of perfume and dabbed some behind her ears and onto her inner wrists.

“Please don’t tell me you’re going to do something stupid,” Lucero whispered.

“Stupid? Define stupid,” Noelle murmured, picking up her lipstick and going to Lucero’s side. Tipping her chin up, she applied the red rouge to Lucero’s lips.

“You’ve never worn makeup, have you?” Noelle asked as she went back to her vanity to retrieve some eye shadow and mascara.

Lucero slowly shook her head.

“I’ve never had any,” she murmured softly.

“You’re a very beautiful woman. You know that, don’t you?”

Lucero blushed, her gaze dipping to her lap.

“You know that, right?” she repeated.

“If you say so,” she whispered, her cheeks turning almost the same shade as the lipstick.

“You are, Lulu,” she murmured as she applied eyeshadow to her lids. “And that man of yours must have noticed it too—everyone does.”

Lucero’s lids fluttered in shock.

“I told you. He didn’t see me like that.”

“Hmm, I wonder about that,” Noelle mused with a smile on her face. “Men are men.” She winked at Lucero.

“I was sixteen,” Lucero mumbled, clearly uncomfortable.

“And he was four years older. He wasn’t an old man, Lulu. I assure you that he must have noticed you.”

“If you say so…”

“I’m sure of it.” Noelle gave her a smile.

After she finished with the eyeshadow, she applied the mascara before taking Lucero to her closet.

“Let’s try this,” Noelle suggested, pointing to a mid-thigh, skintight, black dress.

She looked awkward and a little unsure, and Noelle was sure she was going to put up a fight. But to her surprise, she reluctantly accepted it, slowly changing into the dress.

Noelle knew she was self-conscious of her scars. But for the first time, she didn’t dive behind a screen to change, removing her long dress in front of her. It was also the first time Noelle saw the full extent of her scarring.

Like Lucero had said, it wasn’t pretty. But it wasn’t the worst either. She was still beautiful and Noelle wanted to make her see that for herself.

Discarding her old dress, Lucero put on the new one, sliding it up her body and feeling the material hug her skin.

Noelle was shocked at the transformation, her lips tipping up into a smile as she led Lucero to the mirror.

“Look,” she murmured, her hands gently massaging Lucero’s shoulders. “What do you see?”

Lucero’s mouth was hanging open, her eyes wide as she took herself in.

“I… I look like a woman,” Lucero whispered.

“A very beautiful woman.” Noelle smiled.

She’s always thought it odd that her friend saw herself as a young girl still. But as she’d heard more of her backstory, she’d realized that her trauma had frozen her forever in those wretched years, when she’d been made to feel worthless for rejecting the advances of a man four times her age. Since then, she’d been living as a pariah, and slowly, she’d started to see herself like one.

Just like she told Lucero, Noelle didn’t believe for one moment that the man she spoke so fondly of hadn’t taken note of her beauty—everyone around did.

That they didn’t act on it was only a result of her status within the hacienda and the fact that Lucero had managed to protect herself all of these years.

“Thank you,” Lucero choked on her words. “Thank you… I…”

“You don’t have to say anything Lulu,” Noelle spoke softly, a genuine smile on her face. “I know.”

And she know. Because she’d been like Lucero once too. Awkward and with no confidence in the real world—only in her virtual one.

“But that doesn’t answer my question. What are you getting ready for?”

“Nothing,” Noelle lied smoothly. “Can’t we have a girl’s night?”

“Please tell me you don’t plan on going to see him again.” Lucero turned, narrowing her eyes at her. “He’s dangerous, Noelle. He can hurt you.”

“Of course I won’t. I just want to have a little fun with my best friend, what’s wrong with that? Can’t we just dress up and have fun? It doesn’t have to be related to Raf.”

Lucero didn’t seem convinced in the least. But as Noelle removed a bottle of tequila from her drawer, waving it at Lucero, she eventually caved.

Noelle filled two glasses and they both took a seat on the floor, drinking and chatting. It was a while later and with some help from copious amounts of alcohol that Lucero finally loosened.

“I know you’re going to see him,” she slurred, pointing her finger at Noelle. “It’s why you put on perfume. You want to do things with him, don’t you?”

Noelle was by far the more sober one, but she was still giddily tipsy.

“Of course I want to do things with him,” she giggled. “A lot of things.” She blushed.

“I knew it! You… you want to sleep with him, don’t you?”

“Well… if it happens, I won’t be opposed to it,” Noelle admitted.

The alcohol gave them both the courage to have this conversation. Lucero shed some of her reservations and Noelle was no longer afraid that her friend would judge her for her choices.

“Aren’t you scared of it?” Lucero whispered as she clumsily filled her glass with more tequila.

“Why would I be?” Noelle frowned.

“It doesn’t look very comfortable.” Lucero swallowed hard. “I’ve seen some of the slave girls with the guards and they were screaming in pain.”

“Lulu,” Noelle wet her lips, “you know there’s a difference between rape and sex.”

Lucero frowned.

“Aren’t they the same?”

Noelle blinked in confusion before she realized Lucero was in earnest. Because all she’d ever witnessed had been violence, she thought the two were synonymous.

“No. Rape is a violent act while sex…” Noelle thought how to best put it. “It’s between two people who to be together.”

“How would you know? You’ve never had it.”

“I’ve read enough to know,” Noelle said. “It’s the closest two people can be,” she sighed dreamily. How many times had she imagined herself with her Blue—limbs tangled, bodies joined, souls dancing together? How many times had she pictured the ultimate moment when she’d be his.

“I’m not sure I want that,” Lucero scrunched her nose in disgust. “I’m fine if no one touches me for the rest of my life,” she declared. “In fact, I’d prefer it.”

Noelle gave her a sad smile, knowing that her friend’s issues stemmed from more than just the scars that marred her body—there were also the scars on her soul.

She’d never known anything but human cruelty, becoming so used to it she marveled at every little kind gesture. And while she may have been lucky enough to escape rape, she certainly hadn’t been shielded from its existence at the hacienda—from the way women were treated as nothing more than accessories for the men.

The hacienda operated on a single principle. Everything belonged to el señor—especially the women. Yet in his magnanimity, he provided some slave girls for his guards’ entertainment once in a while. Lucero had been lucky that she’d never been included in that category, always shunned for being Yet her curse may have actually been a blessing.

“You’re saying this now. But you’ll see when you find someone you love,” Noelle added, her mind already conjuring images of her and Raf. But her words fell on deaf ears as Lucero slumped to the floor, already passed out from the alcohol.

Noelle smiled furtively, removing the glasses and the bottle of tequila before helping Lucero into bed.

With her friend sleeping comfortably, she could finally go to Raf without being afraid of being chastised for it.

Yes, he was dangerous. Yes, he might harm her. But she trusted that he wouldn’t.

More than anything, she wanted to see him. And if she were honest to herself, should the encounter go bad, she was glad he would not remember it in the morning. As long as she avoided his wrath, what could go wrong?

Maybe it was selfish to take advantage of his lack of memory just so she could fulfill some absurd fantasies, but she was far too gone to care. After all, she wouldn’t do anything . She would just talk to him, explain the situation, perhaps get him to see side of the story.

It was a simulation, she told herself—the only way she would know how to approach the subject when the actual time came. Via trial and error, she would perfect her delivery so that he could forgive her. She would explain the situation every time, see his reaction, and then he’d forget it in the morning. Why, but that sounded absolutely perfect.

She pushed down the slight discomfort that arose as she remembered she was responsible for the drug that resulted in his memory loss. It wasn’t as if she could do anything now. But she could at least be with him without any repercussions—

Her lips stretched into an optimistic smile as she stopped in front of the mirror, retouching her lipstick and dabbing more perfume to her wrists.

She was crazy for even contemplating seeing him face to face after he’d almost strangled her. She was very much aware that it was madness to want to do it again. Yet… she couldn’t stop herself.

She just needed to be close to him—by any means possible.