Chapter 9 - Tears

I have been counting seconds for what feels like hours.

Then, about 30 miles ago, I switched to counting minutes, because my head was ready to explode. Not to mention that it made me slightly nauseous. The nausea could, however, also be due to the unfamiliar feeling of this drive.

I am actually sitting in the passenger seat for a change.

Or maybe – more likely – it might just be Sean's driving style.

I am not very used to sitting in a car with him as he has only been back for a few days and I don't remember when he last drove me anywhere. Which leaves me slightly worried. Over the years, I have heard my other brothers tell many horror stories of his apparent lack of driving skills. They swear that he is a danger to anybody who comes near a car that he is driving, but I have no proof that there is any truth to this – nor has he ever actually been in an accident or caused one, at least not to my knowledge.

I only learned that he failed his driver's test a few times when the guys brought it up at our dinner party a few nights ago. Which makes me suspicious that their silly claims are fake and Sean might just be the victim of vicious teasing by his brothers. But because he has never owned a car all these years while he lived in Chicago, the uncertainty still makes me a bit nervous.

Obviously, it could be worse. I could be stuck in the confines of a car with Jordan instead. Although he is a safe driver – even if he doesn't take traffic rules too seriously – he probably wouldn't have been the greatest company on this 5-hour-trip to get back home. He has been so unpredictable in his moods and reactions lately that I prefer to stay out of his way if I can help it.

It kinda hurts, too, because Jordan has been my go-to-comfort-person ever since he moved back in with us last year. All I really crave right now is his company. Sure, he was kinda awesome yesterday after he had arrived at the cabin and tried to make me come out of my hiding space in the wardrobe. Nevertheless, I don't trust that he won't blow up again, like he did on various occasions in the past few weeks.

"What's on your mind?" Sean interrupts my musings.

Sluggishly, I turn my head to look at him, not understanding what he means. Without looking back at me, he reaches his right hand out and places it on top of mine, which is resting on my thigh. He must have noticed that I have been nervously fiddling with my phone ever since I pulled it out of the small backpack by my feet.

I really want to contact Noah to find out how he is doing. And at the same time, the last thing I want to do is contacting Noah. That doesn't make any sense, I know that, but my brain has been fighting an inward battle ever since I realized that the twins must know what happened by now.

"Sweetheart?" my brother pushes for a reply, gently patting my hands as if to get my attention.

"M'fine," I eventually mutter, knowing as soon as the muffled sound comes out of my mouth that he is not going to buy that.

"Right," Sean surprisingly humors me.

He doesn't sound even remotely sarcastic, which I think is pretty impressive. If it had been anyone else – maybe not Alex – their voice would have been dripping with sarcasm and disbelief.

"Has... has Ben already...," I start, even though I don't really want to share where my head is at, so I trail off again, unwilling to finish the question.

Also, it feels kind of impossible to say the necessary words out loud.

If Sean is amused by my being so easily manipulated into talking to him, he doesn't let it on. Instead, he stops the patting motions and squeezes my hands reassuringly before putting his own hand back on the steering wheel. I am sure Alex would appreciate this, if he knew.

"I am sure he has. They must be on their way home now, just like we are, considering what time it is," Sean explains in his characteristically calm voice, immediately putting me at ease, even if the topic of conversation is anything but enjoyable.

"Do you... did he... has he been in contact with any of you guys? Since he got there to pick them up, I mean."

"You're worried about the twins' reactions."

My brother's statement is very matter-of-fact, not letting on whether he agrees with my worries or if he even knows the answer to my question.

I nod wordlessly, knowing that he can see me well enough from the corner of his eyes. The lump in my throat that has returned would make it near impossible to speak, anyway. Worried doesn't even remotely describe my emotions right now. I am more than worried how Noah is taking the news. I am terrified, is more like it. I am terrified that he will fall to pieces and neither of us will be able to put him back together.

What if he reacts as strongly to this as Josh did when Sienna died?

Will there be anything that I can do to help him, even if I am struggling, too?

"I am worried, too," Sean admits, startling me.

Although I know that he is the most straight-forward brother, I am still only getting used to being around someone in my family who doesn't sugarcoat things for me. Someone who doesn't treat me like I am made of glass. An unfamiliar feeling of strength surges through me as my brain tries to figure out how to deal with this new situation and experience.

Sean treats me like an equal. Like a family member that is entitled to know things and be included in decisions and conversations. Not someone who needs to be coddled and protected from stuff that I will find out eventually – always under less than favorable circumstances and unfortunately often with people getting hurt in the process.

"And no, Ben hasn't been in contact with us after he got there. He let us know when he arrived and shortly before I came to look for you in the woods, Maya sent Jordan a message saying that they were leaving now and would be home in about three hours, depending on traffic."

So they will be home before we are. I am not sure if that is good or bad. It probably won't make any difference. Seeing Noah – and Aidan – will not be fun, no matter who is there first. Maybe, if I were there before them, I would stay locked up in the sanctuary of my room and not come out, just to cowardly put off the unavoidable drama for as long as possible.

"How do you think that... that Noah is going to react?" I nevertheless whisper.

If anybody can predict this, it will be Sean. He is like a walking and talking x-ray machine when it comes to our brains. Plus, I am still convinced that he has the superhuman power to read our minds. Whether he trained for it in his job or it is a natural skill, I don't know. It's simply a fact that it is impossible to hide stuff from him.

Thinking about this, I am glad that Sean wasn't here when we had to lie to the others about our whereabouts on the day we went to see Kolinsky. He would have called us out immediately and then, like earlier, I would likely have spilled the beans just because of his presence. I don't know how he does it, but it is intriguing as well as impressive. Maybe it is because he doesn't push us to talk, like our other older brothers do, but he makes it so that we tell him what he wants to know without really wanting to.

Jack says Sean is a great manipulator of the mind, but I find that a bit negative. I prefer to believe that he really has a superpower, which sounds way cooler than making it out to be something bad, even if it can be very annoying when you are at the receiving end of his tactics.

"Noah's going to take it very hard, not gonna lie. Naturally. He and Sam were very close, as we all know. I don't think that has changed over the years, has it?"

"No. Noah loved hanging out with Sam. He... I guess he kinda idolized him. – Oh, god."

While saying this, I imagine what it would be like for me to lose my closest siblings. Like Jordan or Sean. The Sam situation is unbearable enough as it is, but the possibility of never seeing either one of those two – or Alex – ever again is like the absolute worst feeling in the world. An uncontrolled sob escapes my lips at these horrifying thoughts.

"It'll be okay, sweetheart," Sean assures me gently. "I won't pretend that it'll be easy, because it won't. These coming days and weeks will be hard on all of us, but on some more than others. Like Noah. But if we are there for him and give him the comfort and support he needs, he will get through this. All of us will, eventually. That includes you, too, Lily."

I busy myself wiping my eyes to stop any new tears from falling before it is too late and I am full on crying once again. My goal that I set for myself is to make it at least one hour without crying. It has been 54 minutes so far. I did cry a bit when I had to say goodbye to my other brothers at the cabin, because they all left in separate cars and this made me very emotional.

Luke agreed to drive Sam and Hannah's car home while Jordan and Alex went in Alex's car that they had driven up in the previous day. Sean offered that I could drive back with Luke if I preferred that, which for some reason didn't seem to please Jordan very much. He protested until Sean told him in no uncertain terms to shut up. That was actually kind of entertaining, but I was too caught up in my struggle to make up my mind to find it funny.

I would have preferred for all of us to drive home together, but that wasn't an option, since there were too many cars. Deciding between Luke and Sean was really hard. I didn't want either of them to be all by themselves for such a long drive. It worried me to think that anyone had to be alone after what happened.

What if they needed comfort and nobody was there?

What if something happened on the road?

What if the stranger was still out there, trying to hurt my brothers?

Remembering that last thought sends shivers down my spine yet again. It was the main reason I got so emotional when saying goodbye to the others, but luckily neither of my brothers questioned why I was crying. They simply assumed that everything was still overwhelming for me. Which it no doubt is, but this sudden, paralyzing fear that something else is going to happen to my family was clearly overshadowing the grief of losing Sam at that moment.

Luke eventually made the decision for me when he assured me that he will be just fine driving home by himself. He did it very convincingly, too, telling me that he has some phone calls to make and that he actually prefers to have some time to himself. He claimed that he was bursting at the seams to play around with some song ideas that have been occupying his mind. Being alone in the car would give him the opportunity to try out some stuff without anyone interrupting – or overhearing.

I recalled our talk on the patio when he told me that he uses music to fill up the emptiness in his soul, so I agreed to go with Sean. Which also seemed to please Jordan. He most likely thinks that I need to be around someone with Sean's skills if he can't be there himself to comfort me, seeing as all I do lately is burst into tears without warning. I can't really blame him for thinking like this, even if I find it a bit unfair if he doesn't trust Luke to be able to be there for me.

Anyway, I didn't expect it would be such a challenge not to cry for at least an hour when I made that promise to myself. I really need to toughen up if I want to be of any use when it comes to being strong for Noah and my other brothers.

"I don't believe you," I stubbornly comment Sean's statement.

"What's that?" he asks, since it took me an eternity to react after he last spoke.

"I don't think it will stop hurting. Like, ever."

"That's not what I said, Lily. I never claimed that it will stop hurting. I said it will get easier. That means you will learn to handle the pain. You'll figure out how to push it to the very back of your consciousness, to lock it away for hours, days, eventually months at a time. Think of it like a secret, very well protected compartment in your brain, like a separate room and your strong mind is putting up the necessary guards to keep the pain locked in. But you also have to be prepared that it has the unfortunate ability to resurface at any given moment, most of the time unexpectedly. Suddenly, in an everyday situation, something triggers a memory of the person you lost and it will hit you out of nowhere, with full force. The first few times, it will feel like you get the wind knocked out of you physically. With time, you will learn how to handle these kinds of situations, too. It takes patience though. And resilience. Something that can be acquired over time. It is doable, I promise."

As terrifying as this journey that Sean just laid out for me sounds, his words have a strangely comforting effect on me, making me almost a bit hopeful. I always claim that I want to be like my big brothers and that I am "one of the guys". If they can do this – and they have proved that it is possible in the past – so can I.

I am going to be resilient and strong and capable of dealing with this loss, too.

"Okay," I breathe out. "I believe you."

"Thanks, baby girl. I am glad."

I can hear the smile in Sean's voice and this puts me a bit more at ease. A glance at the clock in the dashboard tells me that we have been on the road for 63 minutes by now. This puts a tiny smile on my own face, too. I have successfully kept any new tears at bay, if only by the skin of my teeth. I made it.

The next goal is two hours.

I reach out to turn up the radio. It has been playing very softly in the background. But I feel all talked out for the moment. In order to make my newest deadline without failing, I need to prevent any further emotional conversations with Sean.

Glancing at him, I find my brother looking right at me instead of at the road. He nods slightly, reading my unspoken question. I let out a small, relieved sigh and settle back into the comfortable passenger seat of Alex's big car. Pulling my good leg up against my chest, I drape the hem of Sam's hoodie over it and fold my arms on top of it so that I can rest my chin on my arm.

I wordlessly watch the world pass by as the minutes tick away while we sit in comfortable silence, travelling towards an uncertain and slightly scary future.

*******

"Lily, wake up."

I gasp as I startle awake when a hand lands on my shoulder, shaking me lightly. A moment later, a calloused thumb gently rubs the skin under my left eye. My eyes fly open and I blink rapidly at the bright light that hits my irises.

The first thing I notice is that we are still on the road. Then I remember the hand that is cupping my cheek. I turn my head slowly towards the left and realize that it is Sean who is doing this while also focusing on the traffic ahead. He looks at me briefly when he must have felt my eyes on him and gives me a lopsided smile.

"Hey," he says simply, pulling his hand off my face and placing it back on the steering wheel.

Automatically, my sweatshirt covered fists find their way up to my face to rub it awkwardly. When I pull my hands back, I notice wet stains on the sleeves.

Did I cry in my sleep?

I feel betrayed by myself and this makes me angry and sad at once. Staying strong and not crying all the time seems even more impossible when I can't control what I am doing while asleep.

"Want to tell me what you dreamed about?" Sean asks carefully.

I shake my head no as I don't remember dreaming about anything. Forcing my mind to recall what just happened turns out pointless, too. It is as if there was this thick wall inside my brain that refuses to let me through. Like it wants to keep things inside, things that I am not meant to access.

Maybe it is that secret, heavily guarded compartment in my brain that Sean mentioned earlier?

Maybe I am already starting to use it?

If so, it wouldn't explain why I cried though. Deep in thought, trying to figure out what is happening, I pull up my leg and bury my face in my arms. I feel embarrassed.

The moment my nose inhales the scent of the hoodie's fabric, images of Sam flood my consciousness like a movie that someone is fast-forwarding.

Sam waving at Hannah and me as he walks off to go to the starting line, his face split into a wide grin when he sends us exaggerated air kisses.

Sam pedaling up the mountain in front of me when we went biking together the day before the incident.

Sam holding up two heavily burnt pieces of toast, looking like a lost puppy as Hannah scolds him to stay out of the kitchen.

Sam and Noah roughhousing in our backyard, with the younger of my brothers in a headlock.

Sam disappearing over the cliff.

A choking sound escapes my throat as I feel a painful stab in my heart at that last image.

"Shhh, baby girl, you're okay," Sean's voice brings me out of my head and into the presence.

His hand is now on my shoulder and he squeezes it comfortingly.

"S-Sam," I stutter miserably. "He... I... I..."

"Shhh, take a deep breath for me, can you do that?"

The wall that was previously in my brain seems to have crumbled and pieces of it have now moved to lodge themselves tightly in my throat instead. Shallow breathing is barely an option, let alone taking a deep breath, as instructed.

I cough and try to clear my throat repeatedly but it doesn't have the desired effect. I feel myself start to panic and frantically shake my head from side to side. My vision becomes fuzzy, little dots dancing in front of my eyes.

I jolt forward but I am too busy trying to get some oxygen into my lungs to care what is going on. Suddenly, two hands grab my shoulders kind of aggressively and my whole body is forced to swivel around. Fresh air hits my face as simultaneously someone's hand pats my cheek.

"Lily, please try to focus on me, okay, sweetheart? You're doing so well. You'll be fine. I got you. Come on, baby girl, in through the nose. Slowly..."

"C-can't," I press out, trying to wiggle out of Sean's hold.

"Yes, you can. Come on, let's do this together. – In. And out. – In. And out."

Sean grabs my hands and places both of them on his chest, one of them a bit closer to his neck and the other near his heart. I feel his chest raise and fall with the rhythm of his breathing. It has a strangely comforting effect on me.

"And in. And out. In. And out. – You're doing great, Lily bug. Keep going. – In. And out. – That's right. Can you feel the cold air in your lungs? It's very soothing, no? – In. And out. Wonderful. – Just keep doing what you're doing."

Gradually, my heartrate slows down and I notice that breathing is becoming easier. I take another, slightly shuddering but kinda deep breath just to see if I am imagining things. When it doesn't hurt anymore, I feel myself relax.

Exhausted, I slump forward and my face falls right against Sean's chest. Instantly, his hand is on my head, holding me close to him. He is still rhythmically breathing, causing my head to bop slightly up and down with his chest's movement.

I don't know how long we stay in this position but eventually, Sean untangles his fingers from my hair and puts his hands on my shoulders, pushing me into an upright sitting position. I open my eyes – when did I close them? – and glance a bit sheepishly at him. It is only then that I realize that he is crouching down in front of me. I am still in the passenger seat while he is outside the car, which is parked on the side of the road.

"M'sorry," I apologize, ashamed that he had to pull off the road because of me.

Alex repeatedly told us that you are only allowed to pull off onto the shoulder of a highway in an absolute emergency. Noah getting car sick regularly was considered such an emergency – but only if we forgot to bring a bag for him to puke into. Which happens most of the time, since we are not exactly the most organized family. Alex is never happy when this happens and seems to enjoy lecturing us on the dangers that come with stopping on a shoulder.

I feel terrible that I forced Sean to do this.

"Don't apologize. You're fine. – Are you feeling a bit better?" Sean asks kindly, giving me a reassuring smile.

"Yes. Thank you," I mutter, still embarrassed.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

I blink at him, not understanding his question. These weird and scary sensations seem to come out of nowhere and I have no explanation for it.

"Listen, Lily. Will has told me that this has happened on various occasions lately and I'm trying to figure out if there is any kind of pattern to it. Meaning, what happens usually right before you do start to feel anxious or..."

"Panicky?" I supply, interrupting him and surprising myself that I am voluntarily contributing to this conversation.

My intention was not to get roped into discussing this with Sean. I obviously know that Will shared his observations with him, since he made it very clear what he was going to talk to our brother about it. But that doesn't mean I want Sean to analyze me, or whatever it is he does when he starts digging for answers. I am not his patient and I don't need him to treat me like one, either. I will figure this out on my own. I don't want to put an additional burden on my family.

"Yes, exactly. Panicky is a good way to put it. Under the current circumstances, these things happening wouldn't generally make me very worried, to be honest. What happened with Sam is a shock for you, as it is for everyone. So, feeling a bit off and having a few physical reactions to the new situation is not the most uncommon thing. But Will was very clear that this has happened before. Which makes me wonder what brought this on. I wasn't aware that you were experiencing panic attacks in the past."

That last part, Sean phrased it almost like a question. Like he wanted me to tell him that this is, indeed, a new occurrence most likely related to Sam's death and that we have not been keeping things from him. But I am still hung up on what he called these occurrences.

Panic attacks.

Will used the same term when he mentioned it to me. He called them near panic attacks. I thought he was exaggerating or it was just his way of describing what he has been witnessing. But if Sean is saying the same thing, it makes it kind of official. Like he is diagnosing me, or something. A shiver runs down my spine.

Why is this happening?

"Lily? Are you listening to what I'm saying?"

I wordlessly stare at my brother. If he has been telling me something, I definitely didn't hear him. Sean looks back at me with an expression that is a mixture of pity, concern and understanding. We hold each other's gaze for a moment and then his lips turn into a small, reassuring smile. He leans forward and presses a kiss on my head.

"Let's talk about this some other time," he suggests and I nod, feeling relieved. "We should get home now, before they send a search party out for us."

Although his statement must be meant in a teasing way, there is a slight edge to the tone of his voice. I catch him looking left and right before he gets up, patting my knee in the process. It is almost as if he is making sure that everything is okay around us. I get goosebumps on my arms because of his cautious behavior.

That's one of the guys on Sullivan's short list.

Agent Lewis' words shoot into my brain out of nowhere, causing a shiver to run down my spine. They never caught the stranger, nor his friend, after Sam's accident. So there is a chance that we will bump into him again sometime in the future. Or that he is following us.

Then another thought hits me: The stranger was always asking about Sean. Like he has a special interest in him.

What if Sean is in danger?

"We need to go home," I choke out. "Now!"

Before he has a chance to react to my weird behavior, I shove Sean away from me and close the passenger door. He gives me a confused look but then jogs round the hood of the car and climbs. Much to my dismay, he doesn't immediately start the engine but instead looks curiously at me.

"Why are you not driving?" I ask, my voice a bit shaky.

"In a minute. But you have to promise me first that if you feel any kind of anxiety creeping up, or if you start to experience even the tiniest bit of panic, you'll tell me. I know I said we'd talk about it later, but I need you to take this seriously, Lily. I want to believe that this has to do with what happened to Sam and the special circumstances right now, but that doesn't mean we can just ignore it. Not gonna lie, what Will told me has worried me a great deal. Please let me help you if you feel anxious again, baby girl. Okay?"

I wonder if his finely tuned radar already picked up on my newest wave of panic that surged through me at the thought of the stranger coming after us, coming after him. Trying very hard to convince myself that I will feel loads better if only we get back on the road quickly, I force myself to take another deep breath before I nod in agreement.

"I will. I promise," I confirm, sounding way more confident than I feel.

"That's all I'm asking for. Thank you."

With that, Sean starts the car and, after letting a lorry and a couple of other vehicles pass, he finally pulls back onto the highway.

"How much longer?" I ask when I don't see a street sign giving me any indication of where we are.

"45 minutes max, maybe a bit quicker, depending on traffic," he informs me.

My heart aches for a few beats at the thought of the impending encounter with the rest of my family. But at the same time, I know that I will feel a lot better if we're all back under one roof. At least that way I can make sure that everybody is well. The stranger can't get to us if we are all together, in the safety of our house.

Isn't there a saying that claims there is safety in numbers?

"Will Josh and Tom be there, too?" I want to know.

Although I am dreading to see Tom after finding out about his real job, I'd rather have them with us than not knowing if they are in any danger.

"They're still on their way back from the East Coast, bug. But they'll get home in the evening, if their plane is on time," Sean explains.

"Okay."

"It'll be fine. With Tom, I mean. He understands that this is difficult for you guys and he will try his best to explain. He's still the same guy, just remember that. Only with a different job."

A job that involves a list that has the guy on it whose accomplice killed Sam.

I want to ask Sean about the list, but I know that he won't answer this specific question. That is clearly Alex's territory. And maybe Josh's, seeing as his fiancé is the one with that mysterious list. Jordan probably thinks that he has a say in what we get to know, too.

The three of them are usually a pretty united front when it comes to making decisions for our family. Which includes deciding what us younger siblings are allowed to know and what they will keep to themselves for a bit longer – or forever. It would be unfair to put Sean on the spot like this. I know that he'd feel bad for not telling me what I want to know but at the same time he would never go behind Alex's back or ignore his orders.

Maybe he doesn't even know about the list?

I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and leave him alone. But there are other questions bugging me. Ones that I want to ask before we are with the rest of our family. I doubt we'll have much time to ourselves, just the two of us, once we are reunited.

And I am not sure I'd dare asking what is on my mind with the others around. Not all of them will be happy to discuss the topics that are on my mind, I am sure about that. Sean, however, has proved several times in the past few months that I can ask him pretty much anything and he won't be put off or upset very easily.

"I can almost hear the wheels turning in your head," my brother chuckles.

Again, I am amazed by his mindreading skills. Okay, maybe not really reading my mind, because I am almost certain that he doesn't know what exactly I am pondering. But he always seems to know when I have something on my mind.

"Where is Hannah?" I ask the easiest question first.

I haven't seen or heard from her ever since the incident. A couple of times, I was ready to send her a message. I even typed one into the messenger app, but deleted it at the last second before I could send it. I am too much of a coward to reach out to her. She must be even more devastated than we are, losing the man she was about to get married to in only two weeks' time.

"Her parents came up to the village, remember?" Sean replies.

"Did they take her home?"

"She spent the night at the hospital because she was feeling unwell. They released her this morning and her parents drove her home."

"What about her things?"

"Luke and I packed them up, together with Sam's stuff. This morning, when you were at the police station."

Sam's stuff.

I automatically snuggle deeper into the tent-like hoodie of his that I am still wearing. I vow to myself to never take it off. And if I am forced to do so, which is rather likely, then only to replace it with another one of his tops. Also, I will have to protect it from Ben putting it into the washing machine. That would definitely get rid of the distinctive smell, which is really all I have left of Sam.

I make a mental note to go through Sam's stuff once we are at home and before someone has the idea of taking it all back to his and Hannah's apartment. I wonder what is going to happen to all of Sam's other belongings. Like the rest of his clothes, or personal things.

Maybe Noah wants some stuff, too, maybe some t-shirts or hoodies to wear now or later. In case he ever grows big enough for them to actually fit, which I doubt. None of my siblings are in the habit of wearing oversized stuff, like I am happy to do all the time.

Or maybe it will make him too sad to keep any of Sam's things. For Noah, I would take the hoodie off if it bothers him too much. I don't want to upset him unnecessarily. I would then hide it somewhere in my bedroom and only wear it or snuggle with it when I am on my own.

"What is going to happen to all Sam's things?" I continue my interrogation.

It hurts to say his name out loud, I realize. That is something I still need to get used to, because the last thing we need is for us to not talk about him, because it is too painful. He should not be pushed aside like they did with Sienna for years. No matter how hurtful it is in the beginning to talk about him or to even mention his name, I will make sure we do it as often as possible.

"I don't know. We haven't talked about these things yet. It's still too fresh. There's plenty of time to figure that out. We're in no hurry."

I want to ask what they did with Sienna's things but something tells me that this is a conversation for another day. Sean is doing such a great job, keeping his composure while answering all my questions. I don't need to make this any harder on him by dredging up detailed memories of his twin sister and their difficult past. One thing at the time, is what Alex is always preaching when we get impatient. I should probably take that to heart in times like these, even if it is not always easy.

"Right," I mutter instead, without really knowing why I said that.

I am working up the courage to ask the more difficult questions that have been lingering in the back of my mind, but I don't know how to do it. That's probably why I am filling the otherwise slightly uncomfortable silence with these random statements.

"What do you really want to ask, huh? I can tell that there's something else on your mind, bug."

How do you do this, Sean?

"When is the funeral going to be?" I blurt out quickly before I lose my nerve.

Waiting for Sean's answer, I squeeze my eyes shut, as if this would make it any easier. It reminds me of when I was younger and thought that if I hide my face behind my hands or in a pillow or something and couldn't see people, they wouldn't be able to see me, either. The teasing from my brothers because of this was, not surprisingly, relentless.

My ears pick up the sound of Sean clearing his throat and I immediately feel bad for asking this. It must be so hard for him that he always is the one to explain things to me. It really should be Alex's job, or maybe that of the older twins, since they claim to be a team. But I simply cannot imagine having these conversations with my oldest brother. Not after I have seen the impact this whole situation has on him.

Alex is barely functioning right now and he doesn't even try to hide it from me. I am sure that there have been times in the past that were very hard on him, too, considering how big a responsibility he took on when he decided to step up as the head of our family. But this is the first time that his struggle is so very obvious.

"There will be a memorial service next week. On Wednesday or Thursday. We're not sure yet and are still trying to figure everything out."

I am not an expert in this field, thankfully, but a memorial service doesn't sound like a funeral to me. It feels a bit like Sean is evading my question. However, I don't know how to make it known that I am not quite satisfied with that answer without sounding rude.

"So this memorial service, is that like, umm... the funeral?" I ask cautiously.

"Not quite, no. It is a service for people to come together to remember Sam. To honor his life, so to say. And to get a chance to say goodbye." Sean's voice is very calm and steady, but also unusually quiet as he explains this to me. "And before you ask, no, it's not a burial."

An icy fist clenches around my heart when he says this. Although it has been somewhere on my mind, the thought of Sam's body being buried almost rips me apart. I don't even want to imagine what that is going to be like. Maybe I can just not be there when that happens. I don't think I can witness this without losing my mind.

"W-when is that g-going to be then?"

My mouth must have a mind of its own because I don't even know where the courage comes from to continue asking these awful questions.

"We don't know that yet, either, sweetheart. It's something we still need to discuss, as a family."

We will all have a say in it?

Sean must have noticed my confusion and he looks at me with a caring expression. However, when our eyes meet, I can see the pain clear as day in his bright blue ones. They are suspiciously glassy, which instantly makes me incredibly sad, too.

"This may sound a bit odd, since we're all not quite at an age yet where one would expect that any of us die. But us older guys, we have years ago made the agreement that we all want to be cremated should anything happen to any of us," Sean says really softly.

My eyes grow wide at that unexpected statement. And what is shocking is not the fact that they decided for their bodies to be burnt but the fact that they even had this kind of discussion in the first place.

"I know. It must come across as rather weird. But after mom, and then Sienna..." Sean's voice trails off.

He doesn't have to explain any further. I guess it does make sense that they had that topic of conversation at some point, seeing as this happened to two of their beloved family members, their sister and their mother, years ago already. And way too early in their lives, too.

"I understand," I whisper, feeling heartbroken for my older siblings.

This is partially a white lie though because I don't at all understand what this means for Sam and his funeral. But I don't have it in me to dig any further and cause Sean more pain. I trust that they will tell me what they decided to do when the time is right.

Also, I have no desire whatsoever to be part of this decision making process. I will let them take care of it and accept whatever they come up with. My oldest brothers had 27 years with Sam, so they should know what he would have wanted. I didn't even have half of that time with him.

"Basically, what this means is that we are still undecided what to do with his ashes," Sean continues to explain.

I am torn between listening, because I appreciate how openly he talks about this with me, and clamping my hands over my ears to drone this information out. He must have noticed my discomfort because suddenly his hand is stroking my arm.

"I'm sorry. I should have asked if you wanted to know all these details. It wasn't my intention to upset you or make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't. You don't need to apologize, either", I quickly assure him. "And thank you for telling me."

"Of course. I am sure you can imagine that we haven't yet figured out everything. There is so much to consider and we also have to see what Hannah wants. They may not have gotten married, but Sam was truly her other half, nobody doubts that. She should have a say in this, too."

"Definitely. Are you going to talk to her?"

Maybe I can get him to tell her that I have been thinking about her and that I am sorry and that I am a coward for not being in touch. Or simply that I say hi and that I love and miss her. That I want to see her and talk to her or just give her a big hug and maybe even cry a bit with her. Because I know that I am not done crying yet, no matter how hard I'm trying to keep the tears at bay.

"We'll have to see. Ben and Alex are supposed to take care of it, since they know Hannah best. I haven't really been around her much and I don't even know her family. But if they need me, I'll be there to help."

Of course he will. Because that is what Sean does. He cares about everybody around him and would do anything to make sure that people feel better. Even if it is something that causes him to have a hard time, too. He is one of the most selfless people I know.

"They would have gotten married in two weeks," I state sadly.

"Yeah."

"This is so unfair!" I exclaim, feeling incredibly frustrated all of a sudden.

"I know, sweetheart, I know. Life can be very unfair at times."

"But it's extra unfair to our family, isn't it? Why is this? Why, Sean?"

"I have no idea. I am pretty certain though that we are not the only ones that have to go through some tough times. There are plenty of people out there who have much worse fates than ours, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. At the risk of repeating myself, I promise you that we will get through this and things will look up. You can trust me on this."

My brother sounds so sincere when he says these words that the hot anger at the injustice of it all that was surging through me only a few seconds ago completely dissolves. Like somebody hit a switch. I grab Sean's hand that is still gently stroking my arm and squeeze it really tightly.

Perhaps, if I hold onto it, if I hold onto my brothers for the next few days, weeks, even years, it will help me get through this difficult time. It will keep me grounded. And maybe vice versa.

*******

The house is eerily quiet when I step inside.

A shiver runs down my spine when my eyes automatically land on the family portrait that is hanging on the wall in the hallway. It has only been there for about half a year because I forced them to put it up after we learned about Sienna. It took quite some convincing but eventually, Alex agreed that we could hang it there.

My goal was to gradually add more family pictures onto this otherwise dull white wall, but so far, I haven't managed to sort out suitable photos yet.

With a heavy heart, my gaze narrows in on the young boy with the wild, blonde hair and wide grin. Sam must have been around 12 years old when the portrait was taken, but he was already taller than both Sean and Ben, who are three respectively one and a half year older than him.

He is standing between those two while the oldest three are standing behind them. Alex and Jordan are easily able to look right over the heads of the three teens whereas Josh is making a show of looking over Ben's shoulder with a silly face. Sienna is crouching down in front of the guys and she has her arms tightly wrapped around a small eight or nine year old Luke – who is the cutest kid. He is pulling a grimace that easily rivals Josh's silly expression in the picture.

They look like the happiest and most carefree family. It was the last photo that was taken as a family before Sienna died, is what Sean told me when we went through suitable pictures to put up on the wall. And it is almost uncanny how much Sam resembles Noah, what with the easy smile and the mischievous twinkle in his light blue eyes.

I have to force myself to no longer look at the picture and particularly at Sam, which I know will only make me cry again.

"Where's everybody?" I whisper as I turn back around towards Sean, who finally comes in after me, carrying a few of our bags.

"Why are you whispering?" he asks back, giving me a funny look.

I just shrug because I have no idea. It just somehow felt wrong to talk loudly.

"Maybe they're not back yet?" I suggest.

"Impossible. Ben wrote that they've gotten home safely about an hour ago."

As if to emphasize this, Sean puts the bags down and waves his phone in the air. Of course, they would have been keeping in contact on their infamous big brother chat group that excludes us younger siblings.

"And where are the others?"

We left the cabin together but I know that Jordan and Alex had to stop for gas. And Luke is what Aidan calls a "granny driver", meaning that he is in no hurry whenever he is on the road. He hardly ever goes all the way up to the speed limit, let alone breaks it. That is one of the reasons why Alex is not completely against letting him travel on his own. Luke isn't a risk taker but instead likes to take his time.

"You know Luke and his driving style," Sean chuckles, confirming my suspicion. "And the other guys had to take care of... umm... a few things in town before leaving."

I am about to ask what exactly they had to do, but something tells me it has to do with Sam, so I don't. I have a fleeting thought that I have no idea where Sam even is but I quickly push this to the very back of my mind. I don't want to think about that right now.

"Okay," I say.

I wonder where Will is. And Jack. Maybe I should go check in their rooms. But then again, I am not sure I am ready to encounter them.

I would definitely have preferred it if they were all, I don't know, hanging out in the hallway or somewhere else downstairs so that there would have been no escape and I would have just had to let the encounter happen. However, both the kitchen and the living room are empty, too.

"Boys! We're home!" Sean suddenly calls out, startling me.

I glare at him but he just shrugs, offering an innocent little grin. This is one of the things that Alex will never get tired of complaining about. No matter their age, my brothers always just shout when they are looking for someone or want something. I am the only one who accepts that this is one of my guardian's pet peeves and I usually take the time to actually walk upstairs and find the person instead of yelling down the whole house. Ben sometimes does it, too, because he is the sibling with the best manners out of all of us.

Sean turns to me with a shrug and is just about to say something when the sound of a door being opened is heard. Instantly, nervousness hits me. I wait with baited breath to find out who is here.

"Sean? Is that you?" Jack's strangely hoarse voice comes from upstairs.

A moment later, he appears at the top of the stairs. He is only in a pair basketball shorts and his hair looks like he just fell out of bed. Although the light is rather dim because there are no windows upstairs in the hallway, I can tell that his eyes are bloodshot. My heart starts to hammer in my chest at the disheveled sight of him.

"Hey, baby bro," Sean greets him softly.

His voice holds a gentleness that I don't often hear when the boys are talking to each other. Normally, their words are laced with a sarcastic undertone and hardly a sentence is spoken between them without any teasing remarks.

Jack just stands there for a moment, looking down at us. He seems forlorn and like he is out of ideas how to react to our presence. I am torn between running up the stairs to offer him the biggest hug and disappearing in the kitchen to escape the sadness that is oozing from him. My feet make the decision for me because they stay firmly rooted to the spot, not allowing me to move an inch.

"Hi, Sean," Jack croaks out.

The next thing happens really fast. At the same time as he slips into the t-shirt that I didn't even see him holding in his hand he bolts down the stairs and literally flies into Sean. He just barely manages to keep his balance as Jack wraps his arms around him and buries his face in Sean's shoulder. Tears start clouding my vision when I witness how my eighteen-year-old brother breaks down in his older brother's hold.

I don't know how much time passes until the two of them eventually pull out of the embrace. Jack shuffles awkwardly on his feet and refuses to look at Sean after his display of emotions. Sean, however, looks not uncomfortable at all.

"You're okay, Jack," he assures him.

He understandingly pats Jack's shoulder and keeps his hand there for a bit longer when the younger brother tries to put some distance between them. Jack eventually glances back at him and offers a shy smile, probably to show that he appreciates Sean's comfort.

Although it kind of hurt to see Jack cry, I am glad that he managed to let it out and allowed Sean to be the one to offer his shoulder to cry on. It looks like Sean doesn't just make me feel better by being the empathic person he is. He seems to have the same effect on other family members. This is good news, in such sad times, I guess.

"Come 'ere, ace."

Jack's voice startles me out of my thoughts and I find him now standing only a few feet away from me. He is holding his arms towards me in an inviting gesture. When I just stare at them without moving, he wriggles his fingers, indicating that I should step closer. Unfortunately, I am still rooted to the spot and my feet are unwilling to move.

"Oh, Lily."

A few seconds later, strong arms engulf me and I feel my uncooperative feet being lifted off the ground. My face is smashed into Jack's now thankfully t-shirt-clad chest as he holds me incredibly close to his surprisingly warm body.

For a fleeting moment, I wonder why he was only just getting dressed when we arrived and images of him and Nora enter my brain, but I successfully push them away. I have to trust that he would never hug his siblings like this after he just... eww.

"I am so, so sorry you had to go through this. I love you very, very much, ace," Jack whispers into my ear.

It is only when I hear his words so clearly that I notice that he is meanwhile holding me like a toddler. My legs are wrapped around his waist and my head is on his shoulder. That allowed him to quietly speak right into my ear.

"I love you, too, Jack," I mutter back.

It is funny how my previously so heavy heart is suddenly feeling a lot lighter. Maybe there is some truth to the saying that shared pain is half the pain, or something. It sure feels that way right now.

"And I'm sorry that this happened with Sam," I add bravely.

Saying Sam's name as often as possible until it hurts less is part of my mission to get a handle on this horrible situation, after all.

"It's not your fault, and I know that you know this. So please, don't ever apologize again. It is horrible and incomprehensible what happened, but it is nobody's fault," he says.

"It's the stranger's fault," I disagree and feel Jack's body stiffen.

Does he not know what happened yet?

"The stranger's friend, he..."

"Shhh, I know. I know. Will told me," Jack says and relief washes over me.

Not only do I not have to repeat yet again what I saw, but it also means that Will has been in contact with Jack after I got off the phone with him.

"Where's he?" I ask.

"Who?"

Jack puts me back on my feet and gives me a confused look.

"Will."

"Out."

I assume that means he came home. Home from the East Coast, that is.

"Was he home?" I still confirm.

"Only briefly," is Jack's short and not very helpful answer.

"Where did he go?"

Jack shrugs but I think I see some concern flash in his dark eyes. Now I am worried, too. I remember how Sean told Will not to do anything stupid when they talked on the phone earlier. My eyes flicker to my other brother, but he is busy with his phone.

"Jack, where did Will go?" I ask, a bit louder this time.

It works, because now Sean is giving us attention, too.

"He said he was going to meet up with some friends."

I hope they are the kind of friends who will help him feel better without doing anything stupid. But when I catch the brief look that my two brothers exchange, worry grows inside me.

"He'll be back later tonight, or tomorrow morning. I know that he can't wait to see you," Jack claims, ruffling my hair. "I couldn't wait to see you, either. I'm glad you guys are back. Please know that I am here if you need someone to talk to, okay?"

He gives me a knowing look when he says that and I can easily guess what that means. Jack wants to talk to me about the stranger's involvement in this all. I nod almost invisibly to show him that I understand and then thank him more audibly so that Sean doesn't get suspicious.

"Ben and the twins, they're here, right?" he then asks Jack.

"Ben decided to pick up Josh and Tom from the airport. Their flight gets in at 6:15pm. The twins are upstairs in their room."

"How are they?"

"I honestly don't know. I only saw them for a few seconds. Noah was arguing with Ben about something, so I came out of my room to see what is going on and if I can help. But before I could find out what was going on, he rushed past me and into his room, closely followed by Aid. They didn't pay any attention to me and slammed the door behind them. I haven't seen or heard from them since. Then Ben announced that he was off to the airport and that was it. I've been in my room after that and must have fallen asleep while trying to wrap my head around this, well, shitty situation. Sorry for being a bit off earlier, but I literally just woke up when you called for me."

I only listen with half an ear as Sean assures Jack that he has nothing to apologize for and that he is proud of him for not suppressing his very valid emotions. It is also quite a relief to hear that Jack was apparently alone in his room.

But what I am mostly hung up on is the information that Noah and Aidan are in their room. And that Noah fought with Ben. Which is pretty unusual, since neither of them are aggressive characters and Noah hardly ever argues with anybody. Sure, they butt heads over school work and stuff at times, but this cannot have been the reason for their argument now.

Noah must be beside himself, and I totally understand why.

I need to see him.

I need to talk to him.

I need to hold him and I think I also need to cry with him over losing Sam.

Before I can change my mind or anyone can stop me, I slip past my two other brothers and hurry upstairs.

A/N - They're finally home. Next time, we will find out how Noah is dealing with the news of Sam's death. What will Aidan's reaction be? Is there a reason for Lily to worry about Will's coping mechanisms? And what about Sean's and the family's safety, what with the stranger still on the loose? Stay tuned...

I hope you're all doing well! My 3 week vacation finished today and I have to go back to work tomorrow (actually, today, since it took me so long to edit this that it is now 1:30am). Oh well, it was great while it lasted :-). Have a good week!