Chapter 10 - Sense Of Normalcy

Should I knock or just barge in?

I have been standing in front the twin's bedroom door for an eternity. That's what it feels like to me, anyway. It probably hasn't been more than a couple of minutes though. But that doesn't make it any easier. My palms are sweaty and my legs slightly jittery.

For a change, it has nothing to do with the silly sign still hung up on the door, ordering me to keep out or accept the (not so nice) consequences. Recently, Aidan has not been as adamant to stick to that previously sacred rule of his. Ever since we started our infamous "investigation" into our family's secrets, I have probably spent more time in their bedroom than any time before and none of said consequences have happened.

Maybe he is finally growing up, and that's why he has left me in peace.

Yeah, and elephants can fly.

I take another step closer. Now, the tips of my shoes are gracing the door. Leaning forward, I put my ear against the wood, hoping to hear a sound to help me determine what I am going to walk into – if I dare walk in there, at all.

Complete silence. Not a peep can be heard.

Are they even in their room?

Maybe Jack is wrong and they're not here. As he said, he had fallen asleep in his own room. That means he could easily have missed them leaving theirs. Maybe even leaving the house. And with Ben back on the road, nobody would have stopped them either.

A shiver runs down my spine at the thought of my 14-year-old siblings out there on their own. Exposed to that no-longer-invisible threat that my oldest brothers seem to be so worried about. A threat that I thought was just a misunderstanding or a sign of their insufferable overprotectiveness. And now I have learned that it is very real.

Convincing myself that this is my duty, I count to three in my head and just walk in. Or better, I try to walk in – and fail spectacularly. Because the door is locked, resulting in me painfully banging my forehead against the wood. I let out an involuntary yelp.

"Go away!" Noah immediately shouts from the other side.

Rubbing my aching head, I notice with satisfaction and a big portion of relief that they have not disappeared. Or at least Noah is still here, which is the most important thing because he is the one I am worried about the most. I can only imagine how distraught he must be from the news. I would not want him to be out there by himself.

"It's me," I announce, knocking on the door.

"I don't care. Go away!"

I can't tell for sure, but to me, his voice sounds slightly hoarse. And angry, which is unusual, coming from Noah. But I am prepared for anything. I really cannot blame him if he is super angry, even if it will make it more difficult to deal with him if he is like that. I don't have much experience with an angry version of my youngest brother.

"I... I just want to come in and... and say hi," I struggle to explain why I am here. "Please?"

I want to say so much more. Like, that I want to know how he and Aidan are feeling. I want to talk to them about what happened – only if they are willing to, of course. And I want to give both of them a big hug, although it might be a bit of a challenge to get Aidan to comply. However, I am not above trying.

"Leave. Me. Alone!" Noah yells back, sounding very aggressive now.

Feeling slightly defeated, I lean my forehead against door as I try to come up with a more convincing argument. I need him to let me in. And if he thinks he can get me to leave just because he is trying to push my away, Noah has another thing coming.

I prick my ears when I hear the faint sound of another person speaking.

Aidan?

Another wave of relief washes over me. At least Noah is not alone. And neither is Aidan, who I am even more apprehensive to see because he is this unpredictable entity. If Noah's reaction to my presence and his hostility towards me is an indicator, the older twin will be an even harder nut to crack. Squaring my shoulders, I prepare myself for an exhausting battle.

I can clearly hear a conversation taking place on the other side of the door. I cannot make out what they are saying, but every now and then, Noah raises his voice and the snippets I do understand do not sound very encouraging.

Suddenly, the door unlocks and someone pulls it open, causing me to unceremoniously stumble into the room. Surprising myself, I somehow manage to keep my balance and end up standing upright about two feet inside the twin's bedroom.

To my right, I catch a glimpse of Aidan, who is in the process of sitting back down on his bed. Slightly to my left, Noah demonstratively turns his back towards me. To emphasize that he doesn't want to see me or talk to me, he pulls the blanket over his head, effectively disappearing from my sight.

Slightly overwhelmed by the situation, I turn my attention to Aidan, who is now perched on the edge of his bed, which is very uncharacteristic for him. Normally, he is spread out lying on this back on top of his sheets, trying to look as unbothered as possible, or – as Noah calls it – too cool for this world.

"Hi," I whisper kind of lamely.

"Hey, butt face."

For some reason, Aidan's standard, not-very-charming greeting causes a massive weight to fall off my shoulders. I don't know what I expected, but certainly not this. That sense of normalcy his demeaning words represent is, strangely, exactly what I needed.

"Hi, loser," I retort, trying to keep my expression neutral.

I want to smile at him for easing the tense atmosphere, but that would be kinda weird and feel wrong, considering the circumstances. A huff followed by a growl coming from Noah's direction quickly reminds me of just how unusual and how bad these circumstances are.

"Ignore him. He's been like this ever since... ya know," Aidan explains, sounding tired.

Taking a closer look at his face, I can tell that this is eating away at him, even if he tries to act nonchalant. I wonder what he had to go through with Noah in the past few hours. Whether the younger twin has been this angry from the start, lashing out at him and Ben, or if it has slowly built up. Or if maybe I am the reason he is upset.

"Yeah," I reply quietly, knowing exactly what he means when he says "ya know".

I take a cautious step closer, feeling the desire to offer Aidan one of the hugs that I prepared myself to give my brothers, but an invisible force makes me stop a few feet away from him. I am uncertain about how he will react and the last thing I want is another angry twin.

"Thanks for letting me in," I say instead, keeping my gaze on him to see his reaction as I nervously fiddle with my fingers.

Aidan just wordlessly shrugs and I watch his gaze trailing towards the lump on the other bed that is Noah. My eyes travel in the same direction as I try to come up with a way to approach my clearly distraught youngest brother.

"Hi, Noah," I decide to go with the most neutral thing I can think of.

This time, he doesn't even bother to acknowledge my presence. The only sign that he must have heard me is his burying himself even deeper under the covers. My urge to offer him a hug makes my feet move in the direction of his bed but a gesture from the corner of my eyes stops me in mid-step. Aidan is making a time-out sign with his hands.

"I wouldn't even try if I were you," he says in a low voice, shaking his head.

"But I...," I start.

"Just don't, Lily. He'll push you away," he says and adds like an afterthought: "He's not ready yet."

This seems surprisingly insightful, coming from a person who in the past didn't exactly show me that they are very empathic when it comes to others.

Or maybe it was always there and I just didn't see it?

"Has he... has he been like this ever since?" I decide to ask, taking advantage of the fact that Aidan is more willing to share than usual.

"Worse." He sounds defeated when he says that, followed by a heavy sigh.

This is almost killing me. Seeing Aidan so helpless and Noah so standoffish is horrible. I was not prepared for it to be so heart-breaking. Deciding to give it another try, I hurry over towards Noah's bed before his twin can stop me and sit down on the edge.

The moment he feels my presence near him, Noah explodes out of his hiding place. He jumps up from the bed and stands on the other side of it. His hands are balled into fists by his side and he is glaring icy daggers at me. My heart races as I take a closer look at his furious form. His eyes are bloodshot, his cheeks a weird combination of a heated red and a ghostly pale and his hair is a complete mess.

"What the fuck don't you understand about staying away from me?" he shouts, making me flinch not only at the volume of his voice, but the raspy tone.

"Noah, I...," I stammer uselessly, totally at a loss about how to react.

"Shut up! I don't want to speak to you! I don't even want to see you!"

His words are like daggers sent straight to my already heavy heart. The amount of anger that Noah is directing at me is something I have not experienced with him before. Even Aidan lashing out at me in the past has never felt so painful.

What have I done to him?

"I told you to fucking go away and leave me alone! How difficult is that to understand, huh?"

Noah has slowly, almost menacingly walked around his bed and is standing now only a couple of feet away from where I am sitting. To level out the height difference a bit, I also jump to my feet and bravely face him. Inwardly, my mind screams at me to back off and put some distance between us. But sometimes, unfortunately, my stubbornness wins these internal battles against rationality. This is one of these occasions. So, instead of giving him the space he clearly demands and probably needs, I do the opposite and take a step towards him.

"Noah, please. I just want to tell you that I am sorry about Sam an-..."

"No! No! No, you don't get you say his name! Shut up!" he yells at me the moment our brother's name comes across my lips. "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

Behind Noah, Aidan has gotten to his feet and is slowly approaching. He looks conflicted, like he doesn't know what to do or how to help his twin. Neither do I. I have never seen Noah so beside himself and it is the most painful situation I have ever been in.

Even worse than watching Sam disappear over that edge.

"Noah...," I repeat his name as calmly as possible while reaching a hand out towards him.

All I want is to wrap my arms around him. Even if he is sort of intimidating me right now, with the anger and pain oozing from him, I don't want to be scared of Noah. This is my loveliest, goofiest and happiest brother, only two years older than me and my partner in crime in so many situations. My mind simply cannot process the idea that he might be so upset with me – or with the situation we are in – that he would physically try to hurt me. Which would be pretty easy to do, no doubt, since he is quite a bit stronger and also bigger than me.

"Stop talking! – Go away. Leave me alone."

He is repeating these words like a mantra as he stares at me with an expression that is a mixture of rage and despair. There is not much force behind his words anymore and he is no longer shouting, either. Actually, his voice sounds close to breaking, so I gather all of my courage and take the last two steps towards him.

The moment my hand graces one of his clenched fists, all hell breaks loose.

Noah pulls his arm back as if my touch burnt him. Before I know what is happening, he forcefully grabs my shoulders and almost lifts me off my feet as he twists his body to the side. He kind of sways me around in a semi-circle and then aggressively shoves me towards Aidan. I stumble right into the older twin, who barely manages to keep us both upright while Noah storms out of the room, shouting "Leave me the fuck alone!" once again.

Standing there still like statues, Aidan and I listen to his receding footsteps, shortly followed by the slam of the front door. We remain frozen in our spots for a long time, our heavy breathing the only sound that is interrupting the otherwise eerie silence.

"You okay?" Aidan breaks our trance-like state first.

"No." I am way too exhausted from the past few minutes to even consider pretending to be fine.

"You?" I ask back.

He just shrugs and then guides me to his bed where he surprisingly gently but still firmly pushes me to sit down.

I watch wordlessly as Aidan walks out of the bedroom only to return a few minutes later with a glass of water. He holds it out to me and I grab it with trembling fingers.

"Thank you," I mutter before hesitantly putting it to my lips.

I easily recognize it as a glass from our family bathroom, one of those where we put our toothbrushes in. Normally, I would refuse to drink from it, unless I had previously cleaned it myself. These glasses are usually covered in dried up toothpaste and probably saliva and all other kind of gross, unsanitary stuff. It is no secret that my brothers are massive slobs and I really hate having to share a bathroom with some of them. But this gesture is so un-Aidan-like and incredibly thoughtful. I cannot ruin it by acting like a spoiled princess.

The cool liquid works miracles in my dry throat and I give Aidan a grateful smile.

"He didn't mean it," he says after another few minutes of silence.

"I know. He's just sad and overwhelmed," I agree.

"It happened all of a sudden. Like somebody hit a switch," Aidan recalls, walking up and down in front of me like a tiger in a cage. "When we were called to the camp supervisor's office and saw Ben, we immediately knew that something was wrong. His grey face was a dead giveaway already, but simply the fact that he showed up out of nowhere was enough for us to figure out that something bad had happened. Noah took the news stoically and when Ben pulled him in a hug, he let him, not really reacting at all. He only gave a few one-word answers when he was asked questions. Then we packed up and left. About two hours into the drive, that was when his attitude suddenly changed. I could literally feel how rage started to consume him."

"Did something happen?" I interrupt him recalling these recent events.

I am still trying to get used to this new version of Aidan. One that voluntarily shares information with me. One that sounds level-headed and way more mature than before. I feel strangely comfortable around him and it confuses me a bit.

"I mean, did Ben say anything that made him angry?" I elaborate when he gives me a questioning look.

I wonder if the twins know about how the accident happened.

Maybe Noah is blaming me?

If he does, I can't hold it against him. Guilt has been a steady companion over the past 24 hours. Although all of my brothers who I have so far talked to have assured me over and over again that I couldn't have done anything to prevent this accident from happening, I have a hard time believing them. Perhaps Noah sees it just like me.

"No, not that I remember. We were mostly quiet, not even the radio was on. It was almost like nobody dared saying anything. I mean, what was there to say, anyway? The news were so shocking, they still are. I think we were all preoccupied with figuring out what is going to happen next."

"And he just got mad, like, out of nowhere?" I wonder.

"Yeah. At first, I just felt a change in his attitude. Maybe not everybody would have picked up on it immediately. But I know Noah inside out. We spend so much time together..."

"You guys and that twin connection of yours, or something, isn't it?" I supply.

"That, too." Aidan returns my small smile with a slightly lopsided grin. "So, I asked him if he was okay and that is when he first lashed out at me. Like, how could I even ask such idiotic questions? That kind of thing. Nothing too bad, but for Noah, it was still pretty aggressive, the way he said it. Ben almost swerved off the road, it probably shocked him, too. From then on, it escalated with every additional word that was spoken and we ended up having a few full blown arguments that neither Ben nor Maya managed to put a stop to. Actually, at one point, they turned into the main targets of his anger. For some reason, I was only in the direct line of fire in the beginning."

"You guys share a room. It would have been awkward, so maybe that's why he stopped," I suggest.

"Yeah, I don't think he cared about that very much, to be honest. It was totally weird and also... sort of upsetting. He literally took every word that anyone said and twisted it around, made it out to be offensive or wrong or an insult, even if Ben and Maya were only trying to calm him down. They just couldn't do anything right. For example, he had a go at Ben because he didn't call in advance. Acted pissed off that they just showed up unexpectedly at camp. Then he complained that we had to leave camp early. That we even had to go to camp in the first place – like that hadn't been our own idea – which kept us from going to the mountain with you guys. All that kind of bullshit, which was total nonsense. Like we'd ever have voluntarily missed camp to hang out with you guys at the cabin. Once, he flipped out at Ben just for the way he looked at him in the rear-view mirror, too. And then at how I sat on my side of the back seat, minding my own business, and how I was breathing too loudly and that it was annoying to him. Everything just made him aggressive, it seemed. It was so irrational, I don't even really have words for it. I've never seen Noah like this before."

Aidan runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath after that long rant. It seems like he needed to get this off his chest and I hope it helped him, too. Instinctively, I reach out and grab his hand as he walks past me once again, causing him to stop in his movements.

His eyes widen unnaturally for a second. We are definitely not in the habit of touching each other's hands. For a moment, I expect him to pull away, but once again, he surprises me. He slowly closes his larger hand around mine and squeezes it a couple of times, kind of reassuring me, too, although my gesture was meant the other way round. I squeeze back, trying to signal that I understand his frustration, his confusion and his pain.

When Aidan eventually does pull away, I glimpse a bit of his old personality because I detect a slightly disgusted expression on his face. A wave of relief washes over me at the sight.

"Right, umm... anyway," he says a bit randomly and takes a few steps back to put more distance between us.

The two of us having a heart-to-heart must be just as foreign to him as it is to me. Before we lose the momentum, I quickly decide to push him a bit further.

"So, ahh... Ben didn't mention anything about... me?" I ask hesitantly.

Although he has painted quite a clear picture of Noah's random mood changes, I still cannot shake the suspicion that he is particularly upset with me.

Why else would he have acted so distant earlier?

"Not everything revolves around you, Lils. How often do I have to tell you this until you get it into your mini-brain?" Aidan snaps, causing me to giggle, despite everything.

I never would have thought that his mean comments were something I'd miss. But in a time where everything seems so upside down, it is comforting to see that certain things don't change.

"Why're you laughing?" he questions as he sits down on Noah's bed opposite me, fixing me with a scrutinizing look.

"You," I simply reply.

"Me?"

"I'm just glad that you're still... you."

"Ooo-kay?" Now he sounds confused, making my smile widen.

"This is kinda weird, isn't it?" I try to explain how I am feeling about this situation.

"You don't say. It's is a fuckin' shit-show, is what it is. Weird doesn't even begin to describe it."

It is obvious that he hasn't picked up on what I was getting at. He probably thinks I mean that it is weird to have lost a sibling and that we don't know how to deal with this new reality.

"I mean you and me, talking like this," I state, waving my hand around randomly to point at the room and then at us. "Normally, you'd have kicked me out of the room the second I came in – or at the very latest the moment Noah left. I don't think I've ever even been in here with just you, like this."

"Your point?"

"I guess, I umm... I find it kinda... nice? Talking to you without fighting, that is. It's odd, but... good."

Aidan looks at me with an unreadable expression for a rather long time and I have to put quite some effort into not visibly squirming under his intense gaze. Eventually, he sighs and throws himself backwards on Noah's messy bed, crossing his arms under his head and staring up at the ceiling.

"You're still annoying," he states matter-of-factly.

"And you're still a dick," I automatically shoot back.

"At least I've got one."

"Aidan!" I exclaim, covering my ears as if I could un-hear what he just said.

"Hey, you brought up my impressive manliness. Don't act so offended, you baby," he laughs.

"Manliness? Hilarious. You're far from a man, Aidy-Boy."

"Says the little girl who isn't even a teenager yet, still plays with Barbies and watches princess movies."

"I never even had a Barbie!" I protest loudly.

And that is true, too. I always wanted one because my friends had them. However, that idea was quickly dismissed after I borrowed one from a girl I went to school with. Within a day of the doll's "vacation" at my place, it was cruelly dismembered and its head swam in the toilet, courtesy of the twins. I still don't know which one of them it was, because they had each other's backs when Alex confronted them with their crime. I have a strong suspicion though that the culprit is in this room with me right now.

I decided back then, at seven years old, that it was not worth the risk of wasting one of my precious birthday wishes on such a toy, considering the chances of it ending up being destroyed only a few days after I got it. I asked for roller skates instead – and made sure that my other two dolls as well as my beloved stuffed animals were given a secret hiding space in my bedroom. One where they were safe from any harm the twins could have wanted to do to them.

"All I'm saying is: princess movies," Aidan taunts me.

"Anna, Elsa and Belle are legends!" I defend some of my favorite Disney characters.

"And I rest my case," my idiot brother scoffs irritatingly.

I grab a pillow and throw it at Aidan. Unfortunately, it bounces off the wall behind him and lands a few inches beside his head.

"You're aim is still shit, too, baby-boo."

I watch as Aidan grabs the pillow and prepare myself for it to fly back in my direction, but surprisingly, he puts it on his stomach instead and hugs it against his body.

Sensing that he got some of the over-due teasing out of this system, I decide to try and continue our earlier conversation. I still need to find out what they know about Sam's accident.

It is pretty clear to me that I cannot ask Noah about it. He'd probably complete lose it if I brought it up. If he even lets me talk to him ever again. Nevertheless, I am still planning on finding him as soon as I am done here. I need to make sure that he is okay, or that he at least is not alone in his grief.

"Why is it that you don't like me?"

Woah, okay, that is totally not what I wanted to ask!

I don't even know where that question came from. My mouth just acted on its own. Aidan being somewhat civil around me must have triggered this.

Truthfully, his dislike for me is something that I have often wondered about. Maybe my brain is a bit fried, too, after all that happened, and decided that now is the chance to get to the bottom of yet another mystery that has been plaguing me over the years. Never mind that it is clearly the most random time to be getting into this, considering what else we have to deal with.

"Who says I don't like you?" Aidan throws yet another unexpected reply my way.

"Well... you tell me that, like, all the time. At least once a day, sometimes even every few minutes," I point out him.

"That's a bit dramatic, don'tcha think?"

"But it's the truth, Aid! You have a go at me all the freaking time, no matter what I do, never missing an opportunity to taunt me. And you call me mean names, too."

"It's not like you're any nicer to me, gremlin."

"See! I am acting purely out of self-defense here, you, you... poop-emoji!"

"Ha, very creative. Whatever. Freakin' hypocrite. – And to answer your stupid question: it should be pretty obvious, but for you lamebrain I am happy to spell it out: you're an easy target. It's literally impossible to not go there. Plus, you gotta admit, you are incredibly annoying," Aidan claims.

"I'm not annoying!"

This makes him laugh.

"See? Easiest target ever. Riling you up is like taking candy from a frickin' baby. I always get a reaction out of you, and most of the time your attempts at your so-called self-defense are so fucking lame that it is incredibly entertaining just to see you struggling to come up with useless comebacks. Which automatically gives me additional opportunities for taunting you. I guess you could call it a vicious circle, and it is – I'm afraid to burst your "self-defense-bubble", honey – very much your damn own fault."

I furrow my eyebrows as I try to absorb his reasoning, which although it probably was the truth, sounded sort of offensive and strangely affectionate at once. It leaves me kind of lost, because I cannot quite tell whether this means that Aidan doesn't really hate me.

Maybe he likes me just a tiny bit?

Because no matter how much he upsets me most of the time, I cannot deny that I still like to have Aidan as my brother. Even if he makes it very difficult at times. With him around, things just feel normal. Annoying, but normal. It would be nice to know that he feels the same, I guess.

"So, you'd miss me if I were gone?" I bravely put my theory to the test.

I immediately regret it when I realize that this probably isn't the time to ask such a question.

"Too soon, Lily. Too. Fuckin'. Soon," Aidan groans.

"M'sorry," I mutter, feeling bad for selfishly bringing up being gone when we just lost somebody very close to us.

"It's okay. – And no more of this mushy shit now, got it? We've got more important stuff to deal with than dissecting our toxic sibling relationship, or whatever the hell you'd want to call this."

"Important stuff like, what do we do with Noah?" I ask.

"We leave Noah in peace for now," Aidan orders firmly.

I don't agree with that but decide not to challenge him. If I decide to go looking for our youngest brother, I will do that without his permission, anyway.

"Do you know about Tom?" I quickly change the subject.

"What about him?"

Aidan sounds a bit bored by my question. I guess I can easily fix that, since he obviously doesn't know yet what I know.

"He's working for the FBI," I drop the bomb.

My brother just lazily pushes himself up on one elbow and looks at me with one raised eyebrow.

"Like, he's working on a marketing campaign for the FBI? I didn't think they'd need advertising. Aren't people queueing to get in, or something?"

Okay, he definitely doesn't have a clue about anything, which is a relief. This means that I am really not the only one who was out of the loop until now. It looks like the twins didn't know, either. Aidan is not that good an actor to pretend.

"Maybe I put that wrong. Tom is an FBI agent," I explain.

"Yeah, right. And I'm on the next NASA mission to mars," Aidan snorts.

"It's true! I found out this morning, when I was at the police station. They have been lying to us all this time! He's not even a marketing guy."

Aidan throws the pillow at me while he fully sits up. I just barely manage to avoid being hit square in the face by it.

"Get out of here!" he exclaims. "No way."

"Yes, way! You can ask any of the oldies and they'll confirm it."

"Holy shit."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"How comes we didn't know? Why keep this from us? Why did it come up now? And – more importantly – why where you even at the police station?"

I squeeze the pillow closely against my body, like he did earlier, hoping to find the strength to tell Aidan all that happened in the past 24 hours and all that I found out. Normally, I would have preferred to have Noah here, too, because he is always so calm about new stuff coming up. But that is not an option right now, obviously. Also, it looks like my fear that I will have to be the one to break it to the twins about how Sam died is coming true. I hate it.

Why has nobody told them yet?

"You... you do know how... how Sam died, don't you?" I ask hopefully.

Maybe there is still a chance that I don't have to do this. I watch with baited breath as Aidan pales at the thought and swallows hard before quietly answering my question.

"It was an accident. He... he fell over with his bike and... well...he fell... Jeez, Lils, don't make me say it all! You know exactly what happened. You were there, after all, you saw it happen. Surely, I don't have to repeat it for you."

My eyes fill with tears at the bluntness of his statement. Hearing somebody say it out loud, telling me that I was there to witness our big brother's death is even more hurtful than repeating it over and over again in my head, seeing the pictures before my inner eye like the trailer of a horror movie.

Suddenly, Aidan is right in front of me, crouching down with his hands resting on the bed on either side of my thighs. When I blink at him, I see him staring back at me with wide eyes. He looks a bit like a deer caught in headlights. An expression that I have not seen on him before.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Lils. I shouldn't have brought that up. I mean, it was you who brought it up, but I still didn't have a right to say it like that. I'm a fuckin' idiot. I didn't think before I spoke and..."

"Aidan, stop. It's fine. I'm fine," I interrupt him before this gets too awkward.

I am not used to him apologizing to me.

"Still, I'm sorry. That was insensitive," he mutters.

"You're right though. I did bring it up. And there's a reason for it," I start, gathering up all my courage to let him in on a few more truths.

I then tell him everything that happened yesterday at the race, and today at the police station. About halfway through, Aidan lets himself drop onto the floor, giving up his hunkered down position. He crosses his legs and just stares up at me with a face that grows more concerned by the minute and eyebrows that draw closer together with every new fact I confront him with.

"... and just like that, agent Lewis had blown Tom's cover," I finish.

Aidan lets out a long sigh. His elbows are resting on his knees and after giving me another unreadable look, he buries his face in his hands and just sits there, unmoving.

After a while, I start to feel unsettled and I wonder what to do next. This is not the reaction I expected. Normally, Aidan would flip out and shout and maybe even blame it all on me, if he cannot think of anything else to do. But him sitting there on the floor in front of me, completely immobile, is unnerving.

Just as I am about to open my mouth to call out to him, he suddenly speaks.

"What kind of list is that? The one Tom supposedly has?"

Aidan asking this reminds me that I still haven't found an answer to that question yet. I remember that I asked Alex when we had that talk on the bench near the police station. He never answered this part but instead only focused on telling me about Tom having been working with them for years to solve whatever mystery involves our family.

Why do I only now realize how suspicious it is that he ignored that very important part of my question?

"I have no clue," I admit a bit sheepishly.

"You didn't ask?" Aidan sounds incredulous.

"Of course I asked! But I just never got an answer. Alex sort of deflected the question," I defend myself, feeling a bit stupid that I let them distract me so easily and that Aidan is totally calling me out on that failure.

"He's pretty good at that," the older twin, surprisingly, placates me. "What else did you find out? Knowing you, that can't be all yet."

I cannot hide the small, confident grin that appears on my face when I nod.

"Alex admitted that Tom's been working with them ever since he found out about our family secrets." I am quotations marks with my fingers when I say family secrets, repeating what Alex said to me this morning. "Apparently, the three of them – Alex, Josh and Tom – have been working on whatever this case is, for years now. And it involves our father."

Aidan freezes when I say that last part and stops rubbing his face. His eyes grow slightly larger as he processes my words.

"He actually confirmed that this has to do with our f-... with that guy?"

I nod. To me, it has been clear for a while that this mystery, whatever it is, involves our father, but Aidan is right: this was the first time anyone actually confirmed that he is at the core of this all. Until now, all they ever did was shut us down when we asked about him. Only to apparently "put it off until my birthday".

"Yep. And he said we'd talk about this – and him – in more detail once we're all back together, so that he doesn't have to repeat himself, because, apparently, it's a really sore topic for Alex."

"No shit, Sherlock," Aidan scoffs, shooting me an are-you-stupid-look.

"I also think that Alex and the others believe that we're in danger," I add, ignoring his taunting behavior.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I dunno. Not in detail, anyway. I've just overheard them talking about someone being out there trying to hurt us, or something, on various occasions. That it's getting more difficult to protect us because we're starting to notice. Like, duh." I huff and roll my eyes at that before I continue: "At first, I thought they're exaggerating or that they're simply paranoid, but now that this happened with Sam... I am kinda worried that whatever they're afraid of is actually... like, real?"

"Aww, fuck, come on! Are you serious right now?" Aidan exclaims.

Not only am I serious, but I am convinced that there is something to it, Aid.

I cannot think of any other reason why my oldest brothers would be so freaked out right now. And Alex confirmed that whatever is going on is why they've been acting so overprotective and controlling all the time. He is not making this up, I am sure about that. They know what they're talking about – and they definitely know what kind of mess we are in.

"Go ask him yourself if you don't believe me," I snap when Aidan keeps staring at me in a challenging fashion.

He grumbles something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like "I believe you", making me smile kind of smugly at him. I decide to show him just how much more I know and move on to tell him about Will's trip to the East Coast and what he found out there.

As soon as I am done with that part of my news, Aidan jumps back onto his feet and starts his tiger-in-a-cage-movements again. His fingers woven into this now messy hair, the elbows sticking out on either side of his head, he marches up and down the rather narrow space of the twins' bedroom. He looks to be deep in thought, so I let him be for a few minutes before my patience with his nervous behavior is running out.

"Say something already!" I demand, no longer able to keep quiet.

Aidan stops and glares at me some more.

"What am I supposed to say to this, huh? This is fucking insane! How did we end up in this mess? Not even a year ago, everything was going just great. And now we're stuck neck deep in the sewer and someone keeps flushing the frickin' toilet!" he explodes.

Although Aidan's analogy is sort of funny, it also makes me want to vomit. His very graphic words coming into contact with my over-imaginative mind is clearly not a great combination.

"What are we going to do now?" I ask slowly, hoping that he has a plan because I am exhausted by all the drama and fresh out of ideas.

"We are going to do nothing. Hear me? This was a pretty innocent cloak-and-dagger game for a while, all fun and games, but now with this new stuff coming to light, it's pretty damn clear to me that this is more serious than we could have ever imagined when we let you rope us into your little Sherlock Holmes scheme. It's not just them keeping secrets from us – which I agree with you is hypocritical and totally unfair – but there is stuff happening that kills people!"

"Aidan!" I gasp, his directness having the same effect as if someone fired an arrow straight into my already broken heart.

"Tell me I'm wrong, Lils. Tell me I'm fuckin' wrong. Because you just told me that Will found out that our sister – the one we didn't even know of 9 months ago – died in the back of a car that was drowned in a lake!" I open my mouth to argue that it still could have been an accident, but Aidan beats me to it: "And don't you even dare claiming that it may not have been deliberate. People are not found dead in the trunk of a car by accident, Lily!"

If I thought Aidan looked distraught when I first walked into the room, the way he is now standing in the room, his eyes haunted and his body language screaming defeat, is a whole new ballgame. I understand that he is still processing a lot of information that I have had more time to absorb, but his strong reaction to everything I told him still makes me rather anxious.

Normally, Aidan has this abrasive way about him and a tendency to brush everything off if it sounds even remotely ridiculous – or if it comes from me. But now, he seems to be starting to figure out that there is truly something wrong with our family and this realization apparently hits him harder than I'd have expected.

I don't have to think very long about my next move, so I quickly scramble off the bed and rush over to him. Before he can sidestep me, I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him into a hug. Aidan wants to recoil but when he realizes that he is trapped, he stiffens instead. As he stands there like a rock, with his arms hanging lifelessly by his side, I squeeze his middle tightly.

"Don't fight me off, I won't let go until you hug me back, Aid. You know we both need this," I mutter into his chest.

It takes him almost an eternity until I feel him relax a bit in my iron hold. First, he only hesitantly wraps his arms around me but eventually, he gives up and even rests his chin on top of my head. A small smile pulls at my lips at that gesture. He is just about a head taller than me, making this kind of a natural fit. I turn my head to the side and lay it against his collarbone, which is a very unfamiliar positon to be in with Aidan. I notice that his heart is beating really fast right underneath my ear and his breathing is kinda heavy, too.

"It's okay," I try to soothe him, tightening my arms around him in what I hope is a comforting way.

Aidan continous to slowly relax into our embrace and I bravely dare cuddling him a bit closer, all the while expecting him to push me away the second I am overstepping. Just like we don't ever hold hands, we also don't share hugs, so this is unchartered territory for both of us.

It fills my heavy heart a bit of happiness that hugging Aidan feels almost as good as doing the same with any of my other brothers.

I am still hanging onto that thought, wondering if it is this dreadful situation we are in that causes the most unlikely brother to show a softer side, when Aidan suddenly breaks away from the embrace and puts some distance between us.

"If you so much as breathe a word about this to anyone...," he mutters, sounding embarrassed.

I cannot take his threat very seriously though, because instead of shooting daggers at me with his eyes, as he normally does when he wants to force me to comply with something or maybe even scare me, he is sheepishly wiping his eyes with his forearm.

"Just admit that it wasn't so bad," I tease him gently, trying to relax the atmosphere a bit to make it less awkward for him.

"Don't even start..."

"There's nothing wrong with being nice to your siblings every now and then, ya know."

"I mean it, butt face. One word about this to anyone and you'll regret it."

"Sure, grumpy."

"You're the most annoying human being on this planet," Aidan groans.

To emphasize his irritation, he kicks a discarded t-shirt that is lying on the floor with his foot, making it sail across the room only to land under Noah's desk somewhere.

"What? Even more annoying than my friend Lauren, who's apparently stalking you? Or your math teacher? Or the lunch lady who you're in a constant war with because she keeps giving you the cold, soggy fries? Or...," I humor him only to get interrupted.

"Stop! Just, stop, I get it. Your only one of the most annoying human beings in my life. And now shut up, or I'll make you."

I grin triumphantly at him and pretend to go in for another hug, causing him to jump out of my reach as if I were about to electrocute him. Just as I expected he would do. And I wouldn't have embraced him for a second time, anyway.

Although it was surprisingly comforting, there is a limit to how much affection I am willing to share with Aidan. Just knowing that I cracked his wanna-be-cool-guy-shell is enough for me. I don't need to ruin it by going overboard with my newfound knowledge.

"Relax, I'm all hugged out," I claim breezily.

Which is a total lie, because I love hugs and in the current situation I am needing and craving them more than ever before, but he doesn't need to know that.

"When hell freezes over," Aidan snorts, shaking his head in disbelief.

Or maybe he does know me better than I thought.

"Shut up," I lamely repeat what he said to me and after a moment's hesitation ask: "So what do we do about Noah?"

"Answer is still the same as the last time you asked: we leave him alone. I mean it, Lils."

"But we can't just let him deal with this all by himself. Sam was his best friend in this family! This is the worst thing for all of us, but for Noah, it's twice as bad," I argue.

"Fuck, I know that! You don't have to remind me, okay? I was with him in a car for three hours and then up here. Not because he wanted me to, but because I refused to give him the space he claimed he needed. And the only reason he didn't run off even earlier, before you came, is because he dreaded having to deal with Ben even more than being stuck here with me. And then, with you and your freaking desire to hug everyone, everything went to hell."

"Ben's not even here anymore," I say, trying to not feel hurt by his implication.

I want to believe that it is not my fault that Noah ran out of the room.

"Why not? Ben said he'd be here if we needed to talk." Aidan tries but he doesn't manage to hide the hurt in his voice.

I immediately feel sorry for him, but also a bit for Ben, leaving me in two minds. It sounds like our older brother impulsively decided to go and pick up Josh and Tom from the airport, because he normally never breaks a promise. And it is a bit weird that he didn't let the boys know, either.

Maybe Ben just needed to get away for a bit, too. He had a horrible task, picking up the twins and breaking the sad news to them. We should probably cut him some slack. This is incredibly hard on all of us and I am sick and tired of people blaming each other for stuff because they're upset about what happened to Sam.

"He went to pick up Josh from the airport."

"Whatever."

"But Jack was here the whole time."

"And how is that even important?" Aidan snaps, clearly still a bit upset.

I shrug.

"I just meant that you guys were not alone in the house. In case you wanted to talk to someone, or, I don't know...," I struggle to find a good explanation for why I said that.

"Yeah, I don't think so."

"Have you seen Will?" I change the topic.

Aidan narrows his eyes at me.

"Didn't I make it clear that we drove here and then went to the room and that's where we've been until you got here? But maybe that was a bit too much information for your tiny brain cells."

"Nice," I comment dryly. "So you didn't see him?"

"Should I? Didn't even know he was here," he grumbles.

I guess grumpy, not-so-pleasant Aidan is back. It would probably be wise to get out of here, before this escalates. The last thing I want right now is a full-blown fight with my most argumentative brother.

"I was just wondering. I'm a bit worried about him," I admit quietly, because it is the truth.

"He's probably out with his friends, getting drunk or whatever else they do when life turns to shit," Aidan remarks.

His nonchalance makes a shiver run down my spine. This is exactly what I am afraid of. That Will is going to hurt himself because he's grieving. Sean's warning to him is still resounding in my mind.

I'll never truly understand boys, even if I have lived with them all my life. I don't get how Aidan doesn't even seem to spare his brother a thought and acts like it's nothing if Will gets wasted with his so-called friends.

It's because he doesn't know what I know about Will.

I take a shaky breath when I realize that I am much more aware of how dangerous it could potentially be for Will to be without his family at times like this. I need to think of a way to find out if he is okay. But first I will deal with the Noah situation.

One thing at a time.

"So, Noah?" I ask for the third time since my youngest brother left.

"Lily," Aidan growls in a warning tone.

"Come on, Aid, stop being an asshole. We need to make sure that he's okay! What is it with you boys and thinking that you can deal with stuff like this by yourself and be fine? It's okay to have people look out for you every once in a while, you know? And I will not let anyone, least of all you, keep me from being there for Noah, or for any other of my brothers. Got it?"

I give him a hard look, challenging him to fight me on this. Surprisingly, he doesn't but instead pulls his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans and holds it up.

"He's not going to pick up," I sigh, shaking my head at his nativity.

"Not to call him, doofus, but I can see where he is... right now." As Aidan says that he expertly moves his thumb over the smooth screen. "Here you are, baby bro. – See?"

He holds the phone out in front of me, deliberately too high for me to see clearly though. I huff in annoyance and reach out for it only for Aidan to hold it above his head.

"Nuh-uh-uh, this is not for little girls to touch. Keep your filthy fingers off my precious possession," he chastises me.

"Don't be an ass, Aidan, and show me already."

"I suggest growing an inch or ten. Would do you good," he teases.

"And I would suggest you keep unwanted advice to yourself," I snap back.

As expected, my patience is already running thin after we had such an unusually comfortable time together. I knew that it couldn't last too long without getting weird and a tiny part of me is kind of grateful for that flicker of normalcy.

"Ah, sorry, I forgot that you'll forever remain a midget. – By the way, did you get your period yet?"

What now?

My eyes widen at that completely unexpected direction this near-argument is taking. Then my cheeks grow incredibly hot at the fact that he actually brought up such a personal topic. How he isn't embarrassed to even say this out loud is a mystery to me. Most boys I know would run a mile to get away from this stuff.

"W-wha...," I struggle, totally failing to think of an appropriate comeback.

"Apparently not, huh? Lucky you, so there's still hope."

I just continue to stare at him wordlessly as if he were an alien. I've only once before been teased about this by my brothers and that was when Will brought it up at the restaurant a few months ago. Otherwise, thankfully, my siblings are well-mannered enough – or too scared? – to mention such things around me. This is so much out of my comfort zone that I am literally lost for words.

"Word is that girls only grow another two inches or so once that stuff has started. It would totally suck if you'd stall at less than five feet, now wouldn't it?" he asks innocently.

"I am five feet, you... you numbskull!" I finally find my voice again.

I am still an inch or so shy of that, but he certainly doesn't need to know that. The main thing is that I grew more than two inches since my last birthday – Sam for fun once measured my height when I was at his therapy place – and I am well on the way to of reaching my goal to be five feet by the time I officially become a teenager. No matter what Aidan said, he can't ruin that for me.

I will just have to take a deep breath and ignore him, like I ignore all of my brothers when they try to make their totally not funny height-related jokes. We have more important things to worry about right now. Full of determination, I push past him to walk out the door.

"Where are you going?" Aidan, predictably, asks me.

"To find Noah," I reply confidently, like I have a clue where to even start.

"He's by the garden shed," Aidan offers.

The tone of is voice is no longer teasing but he seems to be back to being able to have a normal conversation with me.

Aidan: 0 – Lily: 1

"How do you know?" I question him, still not 100 percent certain that he is not winding me up.

"Thing called social media."

This confuses me more than it probably should.

"How?" I ask, knowing that I am likely setting myself up for more of his teasing.

"One of the useful features is sharing your location. I can always see where my friends are – or in this case, where my twin is."

Aidan once again shoves his phone at me, but this time at a height were I can actually see what is on the screen. There is some kind of avatar, looking vaguely like a comic version of Noah, somewhere on a street map.

I nod, pretending to get it. In reality, I don't have a clue if that is even the location of our shed because reading maps is not my forte, let alone when I've only looked at it fleetingly. Another thing that I won't admit around Aidan.

"Okay, great." I open the door and am already halfway out of the room when I notice that Aidan is not behind me.

"You coming?" I stop and ask.

"You go ahead without me. He won't want to talk to you, you're just wasting your time. But good luck, anyway."

"Aid..."

I suddenly feel reluctant to do this alone. Our conversation and that moment when we hugged gave me a comforting sense of togetherness and I am sure that Noah would benefit from that, too. I believe that the only way we can get through this is if the three of us stick together.

"It's fine. I'll join you later, maybe," he promises and then adds a bit more quietly as if he doesn't want me to hear: "If anyone manages to get through to him, to get him to talk and open up, it will be you."

I smile at that unexpected compliment and his vote of confidence. Squaring my shoulders and preparing myself for another difficult encounter, I attempt to pull the door close behind me but stop at the last moment to peek my head back into the room.

"Thanks for the talk and for being there, Aid. I really liked that," I tell him genuinely.

I catch a brief sign of happiness washing over my brother's features before he quickly replaces it with an annoyed expression. With his hand he gestures for me to leave, like shooing away an obnoxious little kid.

"Just go, Lils, and make sure you close that door on your way out. I urgently need space from you," he claims dramatically before adding almost endearingly: "Butt face."

With a small, satisfied grin, I do as he told me and shut the door before walking away.

Mission One, accomplished.

A/N - Is that Aidan slowly but surely growing up that we are seeing here? He's clearly still struggling a bit with acting civil around his sister, but I'd say it's a start, no? And poor Noah. He seems to be going through hell. Not sure if Lily will be successful getting through to him...

Thanks for reading, voting, commenting! I hope you enjoyed.