Chapter 11 - Why?

I am a bit torn.

Part of me wants to find Noah as quickly as possible. Mainly because I am worried about his state, but also because I am scared that he is seriously angry with me, which is an almost unbearable thought.

So, the other part of me – the cowardly one – is considering to take the easy way out, which would be to hide out in my bedroom, shutting myself off from this unpleasant world. This had been my instinct ever since I got out of the car with Sean, but then the desire to check up on the twins won over and made me go to their room instead.

With a confusing outcome.

Noah hates me.

And Aidan was actually really nice and helpful.

Who would have thought?

It seems like the tables have been weirdly turned. If anything, I was expecting Aidan to yell at me for being useless and not stopping the stranger and his friend and their horrible intentions. And I thought Noah might just quietly watch our argument, instead of playing peacemaker, as he normally would do. Because I was also expecting my youngest brother to be devastated by the news and therefore a bit withdrawn. However, I never imagined that Noah would turn into this angry, aggressive version of himself.

It is a side of him that I don't remember encountering before. Sure, there have been the odd occasions where I got into full-blown fights with Noah, too. But he has never treated me like this before. Like my presence, my very existence, is unbearable to him. He couldn't even properly look at me but turned his back on me the moment I spoke to him. At first, I suspected that he didn't want me to see him crying, as absurd as that would have been, because Noah is not afraid to show his emotions. Again, that would be something Aidan does, not him.

While I am still contemplating whether to go find my brother or turn right and hide in my room, I suddenly hear voices drifting up from downstairs.

Have Alex and Jordan gotten back?

It takes me a moment to untangle the long sleeves of Sam's hoodie with my icicle-like fingers but I eventually managed to free my hands and pull my phone out of the front pocket. Checking the time, I see that I must have spent at least 30 minutes in the twins' bedroom.

More than enough time for Alex and Jordan to arrive home.

I can't make out who is speaking, meaning they must be either in the kitchen or the living room with the door shut. But there are only two different voices. Could still be them, of course, since there is no rule that says Sean has to be there, too. It certainly isn't Ben because the airport is at least a two hour drive away. I plan to be safely locked away in my room by the time he returns with Josh and Tom.

That is the one thing I have made my mind up about for sure: I do not want to see Tom today. This day has been bad enough as it is. I don't need any additional drama. The only potential drama I am still willing to deal with today is finding Noah and hopefully getting him to talk to me.

I notice then that my feet seem to have a mind of their own because while I have been contemplating my next move, they have automatically carried me downstairs and I am now on the second to last step on our staircase.

Pricking my ears, I try to figure out where my brothers are. I hope they are in the living room because that will allow me to slip unnoticed into the backyard via the patio doors in the kitchen. The last thing I need is an overbearing and curious brother following me to find Noah.

I could always leave through the front door and walk around the house but to get to where the garden shed is, I would have to walk right past the big windows in the living room. There is simply no way that nobody would see me if they are in that room.

The voices have now died down and it is suddenly eerily quiet. I still haven't figured out where they came from, let alone who they belonged to. Not wanting to wait any longer, I take my chances and confidently open the kitchen door. If the guys happen to be in here, I'll just say that I wanted a bottle of water, walk back out after grabbing one and then steal myself out the front door.

Easy.

The kitchen is empty and I let out a relieved sigh. As quietly as possible, I hurry towards the patio doors and I am only two steps away from it when bad luck once again decides to punish me.

"There you are," Luke says, coming in through the door that connects the kitchen to the dining and living area.

Immediately, he invades my personal space and engulfs me in a hug. I don't normally mind if he or any of the others are showing me affection, but right now, my mind is focused on my mission to speak to Noah and I am not in the mood for any distractions. I allow Luke to hug me for a couple of seconds and then wiggle out of his arms. Though before I have a chance to get out of his reach, he puts his hands on my upper arms, effectively holding me in place.

"What's wrong, honey?" he asks me.

Instantly, I feel anger bubble up inside of me at his dumb question.

Is he seriously asking me this at times like these?

I stare at Luke for a few seconds, trying to convey the message that he better not force me to answer this because once I start, I think the list of things being wrong right now could be endless.

"Lily?"

A warm hand cups my cheek and forces me to look back up at him. I haven't even noticed that I lowered my head. Although Luke's touch is gentle, I wish he would just let me go. His inquisitive gaze searching my face for answers is definitely not helping the small, angry volcano inside of me that is threatening to erupt any second.

"You don't look so good. Have you eaten?" Luke asks.

I shake my head because there is no point in lying to him. I really haven't had anything all day, since nobody ate breakfast and – surprisingly – nobody forced me to, either. I guess they realized that it would have been hypocritical of them. Or maybe they simply didn't notice because everybody was too preoccupied this morning.

Only when I feel Luke guiding me towards the kitchen island, I finally manage to form a few clear thoughts. Trying my best to suppress the anger that is still keeping hold of me at his interruption of my plan, I take a step aside to get away from my brother.

"M'fine, Luke," I whine.

"Right."

His comment sounds strangely neutral, no sarcastic undertone like the one my other brothers use whenever I am clearly telling a lie. Taking my first proper look at him, I notice that Luke is very pale himself and that he has dark shadows under his normally sparkling, light eyes. Even his eyelids look heavy with sadness. And just like that, the anger inside of me evaporates and an unfamiliar sense of protectiveness washes over me.

My brothers are suffering at least as much as I am.

This realization – although it has been a lingering thought in the back of my mind ever since this happened to Sam – is quite overwhelming. I am so used to them looking out for me, them doing everything within their power to make me feel safe and happy, that I sometimes forget that they are only human beings, too. People who need just as much support as everybody else. Siblings that need just as much love and comfort as I do.

I take a few steps back towards Luke and wrap my arms around his middle, hugging him tightly. It occurs to me that he only pretended that the hug we shared earlier was for me when in reality he was probably craving it more than I was at the time. His arms instantly go back around my shoulders and he holds me against him. We remain like this for about a minute and then he reluctantly lets me go.

"Thank you. I needed that," he tells me truthfully. "There's nothing like a hug from my favorite little sister to brighten a shitty day."

"Same," I reply, returning his smile with a small one of my own to show my appreciation.

"I'm not your little sister!" he protests.

"Sheesh, you know what I mean," I say, rolling my eyes at his dramatics and then add: "Dork."

"And now with the name calling, too? Nice," he huffs, crossing his arms over his chest like an offended toddler.

"You're such a baby," I continue to tease him.

A giggle escapes my lips at the wide-eyed look this triggers. A small sparkle has returned to said wide eyes, making him look less devastated and allowing me to feel a bit more lighthearted, too. Leave it to Luke to brighten our moods and lift a previously tense atmosphere.

"Are Alex and Jordan in the living room?" I ask him, still curious about who was talking earlier.

He raises an eyebrow and then shakes his head.

"They're not back yet, no. Why're you asking?"

Now it is my turn to pull out the wide-eyed-look.

"How?"

"You're speaking in riddles, honey."

"How come you're already here and they're not?" I elaborate impatiently.

"Because I drove here faster? Is this a trick question?" Luke asks, acting clueless while his eyes shift suspiciously from me to the doorway and back to my face.

"Word is, you drive like a grandma, so how can you be home before them? – And I'm just quoting what I've been told by various brothers, mind you. Your driving style is just fine with me," I quickly claim when I see his expression morph into one of being greatly offended.

"Way to throw us under the bus, sweetheart," Sean laughs, strolling into the kitchen.

He walks by us and annoyingly ruffles my hair before giving Luke a not very heavy punch to the upper arm, still eliciting a groan from him though. Any of the other boys would have immediately punched him back but Luke, being the most non-violent person in this household – me included – just rubs his arm with a somewhat exaggerated pout.

Sean grabs some water from the fridge and comes back to us, handing us each one of the bottles. We thank him and then it is quiet for a bit while all of us take a few sips. I haven't even realized how thirsty I am.

"When will the others be back?" I ask into the silence.

This is really bothering me, now that I have found out that it wasn't Jordan and Alex talking downstairs. Although, I remind myself that I probably wouldn't have heard Alex having much of a conversation, seeing as he has only been speaking when absolutely necessary ever since it happened.

"They should be back within the hour. Don't worry about them, baby girl," Sean placates me.

"I am not worried!" I exclaim, feeling the volcano reignite inside of me.

Is this how Noah has been feeling?

Of course I am worried about my oldest brothers. Well, I am worried about any of my siblings since I have found out that someone is apparently out there wanting to hurt us. But I am not going to tell that to Sean and Luke. They will only downplay it and try to distract me. I can't deal with their lies anymore. Not today. So I will just deflect any questions that might lead to that.

"They had to take care of some stuff back in the mountain village, that's why they're taking a bit longer," Sean explains, once again having read my thoughts correctly.

"What stuff?" I take my chances.

"Some legal stuff regarding Sam and his... body."

Sean's unexpected candidness almost bowls me over. I fight the upcoming dizziness by focusing on Luke, who looks just as stunned at our brother's honesty as I feel.

"Sorry, I just thought...," Sean starts, clearly feeling a bit uncomfortable now that he realizes how his being so straight-forward has affected us, but I quickly wave him off.

"S'okay, Sean. Thanks for telling me."

Now it is Sean's turn to receive a small smile from me and the look of relief that washes over his tired face tells me that I did the right thing. Maybe I am finally on the path to show my brothers that I am not a little kid anymore and that they can share stuff with me without having to worry that I'll freak out about the smallest things. It is just really sad that it apparently took a tragedy like this one for them to come to the realization that I am absolutely capable to deal with less favorable stuff.

Sean loudly clears his throat and changes the topic: "Who's coming to the store with me?"

"Eww," it escapes Luke, making me laugh.

He hates grocery shopping and considers it a great punishment if he has to do it. I don't think he would ever volunteer, unless we are up at the cabin. For some reason, when we are there, he doesn't mind it very much. I suspect it has to do with the fact that when we are on vacation, nobody pays any attention to Alex's healthy eating rules. This means junk food and snacks are consumed like they are going out of fashion. Which I obviously love since there is nothing that can beat a piece of chocolate.

"Why do you have to go to the store?" I ask curiously.

"Because there isn't enough food in the house for the whole family, seeing as we were not supposed to be back for another while," Sean says.

We will never be the "whole" family again.

This thought hits me out of nowhere and it feels like a sucker punch to the gut.

"Woah, are you okay there, honey?" Luke asks me, reaching out to feel my forehead.

I jump out of his reach, staring up at him in confusion.

"You just turned really pale real quick," Sean explains, looking at me with concern in his eyes. "Which reminds me that you haven't eaten anything today. We should instantly fix that."

"I'll eat dinner," I quickly promise.

Both my brothers give me scrutinizing looks but eventually they shrug and nod.

"So, are you coming with me? Ben will be back from the airport in about three hours. It'll be kind of a late dinner, but we decided to wait and eat together. I could do with some help, sweetheart."

Noah springs to my mind and I know that I have to turn Sean down.

"I can't. I have... something, that I have to do, too," I say.

"Hmm. Okay. – But you'll help me cook later. Deal?"

For a moment, I consider suggesting that we get take out instead. Sean isn't exactly the best cook. But I don't want to offend him. I am already surprised that he didn't ask me what it is that I have to do. I clearly shouldn't push my luck and just let him leave to have him out of the way when I go looking for Noah.

Avoiding Luke won't be much of a problem. He is not in the habit of putting his nose into other people's business like some of the others.

"Sure, I'll help. No guarantee that it'll be edible though," I warn him.

"You just wait and see. I might surprise you with my so far undiscovered cooking skills," Sean boasts confidently.

Not trusting said skills very much, I hope his grocery shopping list includes a few packages of pasta and ready-made tomato sauce. Or maybe I am doing him injustice. He did live by himself for the past six or so years, after all, and I doubt that he ate out every night. Sean must know how to make at least some simple dishes.

"Alright, I'm off. Keep an eye on the kids, Luke. You're the adult in the house until I'm back."

"Don't let Jack hear that," I remark.

"He's gone to see Nora," Luke informs me and then points at himself. "I'm in charge."

"Awesome," I chuckle.

"I trust you not to burn down the house."

Sean exchanges a pointed look with our brother and they have one of these annoying conversations with their eyes. It is easily identified as exactly that when Luke nods after they keep each other's gazes for what feels like an eternity.

"Have you seen the twins anywhere?" Luke wants to know when Sean has finally left.

"Aidan's upstairs in their room. Maybe you should go see him?" I suggest, thinking that this is my chance to find Noah without any further distraction.

"And Noah?"

"He's around here somewhere. I was just about to go find him."

I guess that little bit of information won't hurt. Knowing Luke, he will go check on Aidan, now that I have put that idea into his head. Everybody knows what kind of hothead the second youngest of our brothers is. I wouldn't be surprised if they have already discussed that they need to keep an eye on him. Maybe that was what this not-so-secret eye-conversation he had with Sean was all about.

If only they knew that Noah is much more volatile than Aidan at the moment.

I know that I have to tell someone about his state of mind as soon as I have tried to get through to Noah myself. If he refuses to talk to me or if I see any signs that he is struggling too much, I must speak to Sean and Alex and make sure that they help him.

But I think I won't have to tell them because they will notice themselves if something is off with Noah or Aidan. As much as they worry about me and care for me, they do the same for the twins. We are all Alex's kids, as he likes to remind us. And in case Alex isn't able to look after us himself, he will make sure that someone else steps in. That is what makes our family such a great safety net. There is always someone there who looks out for those who need it.

I just hope that after Sam's accident, this won't change.

"Is he alright though?" Luke asks.

He looks a bit worried, and rightfully so, but he obviously doesn't know that. I shrug, pretending that I don't know how to answer this.

"That's what I'm going to find out," I reply.

I assume Luke wasn't here yet when Noah stormed out of the house after our encounter went so terribly wrong, so he won't question my rather evasive answer. Also, from Sean's rather relaxed behavior earlier, Noah might have managed to slip outside unnoticed by any of our brothers, which I find quite impressive.

"You do that and I'll check in with Aidan. – Just give me a shout if you guys need anything. I'm in charge until further notice, as you've heard. And stay around the house, hear me?"

Luke tries to look stern and intimidating when he reminds me of his temporary status and out of reflex, I roll my eyes at him to express my thoughts on this latest development. I don't want to be disrespectful, but I can't shake off the feeling that the guys are gradually intensifying their control over us younger siblings. As annoying as that is, it is also pretty scary to think about why they are doing this.

Are we in actual danger?

I shudder at the mere thought.

"There's no need to look at me like that," Luke scoffs, although playfully. "Surely, I am not that bad. I could think of at least six more annoying and controlling people to be in charge of you guys. You got off easy."

Shoving the worrying thoughts about someone planning to harm us to the very back of my mind, I offer him a small, reconciliatory smile

"Yeah, yeah, you're fine," I assure him.

"Good. – So?"

"So, what?"

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to find Noah and speak to him?" I repeat slowly.

"And?"

"Luuuke," I whine, totally confused, because I have no idea what he is on about.

"And you're staying in or around the house, got it?" he reiterates his earlier order.

Automatically, my bad conscience rears its ugly head. The way he looks at me, with no trace of humor in his expression, shows me that he is very serious about this. I wonder if it is because I have a history of disappearing, or if what happened to Sam is the main reason for his uncharacteristic protectiveness. Probably a mixture of both. It is not a nice feeling to be reminded that my previous actions have so clearly left their mark with my family. Not only are there some unresolved trust issues between us, but they also seem genuinely worried about mine and the twins' safety.

"We'll stay around the house", I confirm sincerely. "Aidan said that Noah's gone into the garden to clear his head. I'm just going to check on him. We won't go anywhere."

"Thanks, honey. – I'll come check on you guys in a bit."

With that promise – or threat? – he leaves the kitchen. I don't waste any more time and I hurry outside, hoping that Aidan will keep Luke long enough for me to get through to Noah without being interrupted.

*******

I find my youngest brother behind the garden shed.

At first, I thought maybe Aidan had deliberately mislead me to keep me away from his twin, because there was no sign of Noah anywhere when I got to the shed. It took me a moment to realize that, if he is serious about hiding from his family, he might not just be sitting in front of the shed where anyone can easily see him. However, it takes a bit of skill and determination to find a spot to sit down behind this rather derelict wooden structure.

The space between the shed and the hedge, which acts as a sort of border to our property, effectively separating it from the next-door neighbor's, is quite narrow. The area is barely four feet wide and it is notoriously overgrown with random shrubs that nobody really bothers to keep in order. There is also an ancient blackberry bush which strangely enough hardly ever carries fruit but is full of evil thorns.

I know that only too well because this used to be one of my favorite hiding places when we played hide and seek as little kids. My brothers hated it if they had to look for me there. If you weren't careful, you'd easily get stuck in the branches. Freeing yourself was always annoying and very time consuming. Not to mention the holes that it regularly ripped into the clothes, which then resulted in lectures from our unamused older brothers.

It really shouldn't surprise me that I find Noah sitting partially hidden in the brush. He is the one who showed me this incredibly useful place to hide when we were kids and he taught me the necessary "ninja-skills" to use it. We considered it a bit of a triumph whenever we managed to get in and out of here unscathed. Aidan was always irritated to no end when we hid here – most of the time from him – because for some inexplicable reason he never mastered it just like we did.

Noah is perched against the shed's wall, using up most of the small space that is free from undergrowth and spikey branches. He has his knees pulled tightly against his body with the arms crossed on top of them and his head buried in them. Since he sits so completely still, I briefly wonder if he might have fallen asleep.

Pulling the sleeves of Sam's hoodie tightly over my hands and balling the spare fabric in my fists to protect them from the treacherous thorns, I shove the branches of the blackberry bush aside and cautiously shuffle closer to my brother.

This does not go unnoticed by Noah. His head shoots up at the sound of my not very stealthy approach. He lets out a small groan when he recognizes me. However, what hits me unexpectedly is not his annoyed expression. It is the red-rimmed eyes and the very notable tear-stained cheeks that simultaneously shock me and shatter my heart into a million pieces.

"Oh, Noah," I whisper at the pitiful sight in front of me.

Instantly, he hides his face in his arms again.

"Go away," he growls, his voice coming out muffled.

I can tell that there is no real aggressiveness behind his words this time though. Instead, he sounds defeated. And it seems as if that destructive energy that was so prominent earlier when he yelled at me and shoved me out of his way has vanished, too.

"Noah, please. I only want to...," I start, but he quickly interrupts me.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" he asks, refusing to look at me.

I don't know what he expects by acting like this. Whenever I have made up my mind about something, I am known to be persistent and follow through with it. And I certainly won't let his standoffish behavior deter me from offering the comfort he clearly needs and from showing him that I am there for him if he wants me to be.

While I understand his desire to be alone after receiving such devastating news, I also know from my own experience that having someone around can have a healing effect. Luke, Jordan and Sean have shown me this on various occasions in the past 24 hours. I want Noah to realize that he is not alone with his pain and that grieving together is way easier than being stuck in your head with all these toxic, devastating thoughts.

He is not going to get rid of me that easily!

Instead of trying to convince him verbally, I wordlessly navigate my body around the remaining obstacles. Once I have succeeded, I crouch down right next to him and cautiously put my hand on his elbow that is nearest to me. Noah flinches at my touch but I am glad that he doesn't instantly push me away. It would have been rather unpleasant if he shoved me back as I would definitely have landed right in the blackberry bush.

I slowly start to rub my hand up and down the skin of his exposed arm. It is kind of awkward because other than hugging, pushing and punching each other every now and then, there is normally not much physical contact between me and my youngest brothers. Certainly not in such an affectionate way. I am surprised that he allows me to do this and I convince myself that it is because he realizes that it makes him feel better.

"I'm so sorry, Noah," I eventually say, my voice barely above a whisper. "I am sorry that you are feeling so sad and... and I am sorry that I didn't stop this from happening."

My last words come out accompanied by a strangled sob because my throat closes up as I speak. The guilt is almost eating me up alive. If I hadn't been so frozen at the sight of the stranger on the other side of the road, maybe I could have done something, anything, to prevent this accident. To me, it is completely understandable that Noah and probably most of the others blame me for what happened to Sam. Even if Jordan and Sean claim that this is not my fault.

"What are you talking about?" Noah's hoarse voice interrupts my negative thoughts.

I blink to clear my vision and focus back on my youngest brother only to find him staring straight back at me. The hurt that is very visible in his bloodshot eyes hits me full force and I almost recoil from the onslaught of emotions oozing from him.

"I understand that you're angry and disappointed in me. And if you blame me for what happened, it's okay, too," I explain with a shaky voice.

"How can I possibly blame you for this? Have you lost your mind? – Or is there something I don't know?"

His questions confuse me.

Hasn't he pushed me away earlier in their bedroom because he blames me?

"N-no, I don't think so. I mean, you do know h-how it happened, right? That the man who caused the accident is acquainted with the stranger and... and also that I saw them only minutes before he crashed into Sam and... did what he did?" I ask.

My heart clenches when I witness how Noah's eyes fill up with tears as he processes my words. I hold my breath, waiting for him to confirm that this is not news to him. Because if he already knew and still doesn't think it is my fault or that I could have done more to prevent this, it would be such a relief. His anger, his animosity towards me and also towards our brothers would then only be due to his grieving, which is totally relatable.

Eventually, after what feels like eternity, Noah nods and blinks rapidly as if trying to hide his very obvious tears. His complexion is pale and he looks like he is about to throw up, probably because my questions forced him to picture what happened to Sam and I know firsthand how terrible that is. I have been feeling sick to my stomach ever since I witnessed him disappearing in front of my eyes.

"Ben told us all of that, yeah," Noah confirms quietly after clearing his throat.

"I'm sorry," I mutter like on auto-pilot.

"Stop saying that already! You have nothing to be sorry for. And you lost Sam, too, so don't act as if you have to give me your condolences or whatever!" he exclaims, sounding upset.

Instead of defending myself, I sit down in the very narrow space next to him. When Noah doesn't shove me away, I shuffle as close to him as I physically can without sitting right on top of him. He allows me to grab is arm and wrap mine around it. I hope to absorb some of his body heat because I am starting to feel really cold despite it being in the middle of summer. But when I lean against his side, I notice that he is a human icicle, too.

"Why, Lils? Why is he gone?" My youngest brother's voice is laced with sadness when he speaks after a few minutes of us just sitting there wordlessly.

I glance up at him and see that silent tears are trickling down his ghostly white cheeks. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I give myself an internal pep-talk, reminding myself that I came here to offer Noah as much comfort as I am able to give. Even if his desperate condition is almost too much to bear, I can't allow myself to break down crying right now

I have to be strong for him.

"I don't know. All I know is that it's so unfair," I reply emotionally.

"Yes. Yes, it is. – Oh man, it hurts so damn much!"

A strangled sob escapes Noah after his voice breaks when admitting this. My heart clenches and I can almost physically feel his pain. I am relieved that he can so openly speak about his feelings, but it is also very hard for me to witness this broken version of my usually happy-go-lucky brother.

"It's normal, Noah. It'll get better, with time," I repeat what Sean told me several times in the past 24 hours. "That's what we have to believe in, hear me?"

"I don't think it will ever stop hurting. I can't do this, Lils. There's like... it's...it's... I just don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this stuff," Noah cries out desperately.

I let go of his arm and place mine around him instead, gently pulling him into a side hug and leaning my head on his shoulder. I squeeze Noah against me as tightly as possible.

"That's not true, No-No. You're very strong and you will get through this. We will all get through this together, I promise you. I know exactly how you feel because I've been feeling all these sad and painful emotions, too. Whenever I think of Sam, my throat closes up and my whole body starts aching and... I am convinced that I can't ever take a real breath again," I stop to clear my throat before I continue: "And then, somehow, it suddenly eases up, the pain I mean, and the air returns and then I realize that I am still kind of functioning. It always somehow goes away. Sean says we can learn to live with the pain and that it will become less and less as time goes. It might still linger in the background, but it won't be as prominent as it is right now, while everything is still so fresh. But we also have to fight for it to go away. It won't just happen without us doing anything. Anyway, I know that if I can do it, you can do it, too. You're strong, Noah, you gotta believe that. I totally believe in you."

I have no idea where this speech just came from, let alone if my words even have the desired effect. Noah doesn't say anything back but shifts his body around as much as the small space allows him to and then embraces me. He buries his face in my shoulder and all I can do is hold him while sobs start to shake his body.

I let him cry until he calms down, holding him and tightening the hug every now and then to show him that I am still here and that I get it. If anyone would have told me a few days ago that I'd end up in a situation where one of my brothers is sobbing in my arms, seeking comfort from me, I would have laughed them off. Just imagining it would have been super awkward. But now that I am sitting here with Noah, it feels strangely natural. It feels okay.

"Are you feeling better?" I ask after a few minutes have passed.

He has stopped shaking and I haven't heard any sobs coming from him anymore, either, that's why I decide to risk asking this. Noah's reaction is nonverbal when I feel a jolt going through his body. He quickly untangles himself from my embrace and shuffles as far away as the small space allows him to. I watch as he leans his head against the shed, directing his eyes towards the sky. He closes them and I notice a few stray tears running down the side of his face. It takes a lot of self-control for me not to reach out and wipe them away. I know that he'd probably not like it if I did that.

"Noah?"

"No," he eventually replies hoarsely.

"No, what?"

"No, I don't feel better. – But thanks for being here, even if I'm... ya know... awkward."

I study him for a bit longer, not quite sure what to make of his answer or his self-deprecatimg statement. My intentions have always been clear to me: comfort my youngest brother and make sure that he is doing as okay as possible.

It looks like I failed.

"What can I do to help you?" I whisper, feeling defeated. "And for the record: you're not awkward. Just so you know."

"Why are you wearing Sam's hoodie?" he deflects the question and ignores the rest of what I said.

"Because it makes me feel closer to him. – I can take it off if you don't want me to wear it," I quickly add.

I would do anything to help Noah deal with his pain and if he can't bear seeing me in Sam's clothes, I won't wear them any longer. At least not around him. When I don't get an immediate reaction, I start to pull my arms out of the hoodie, preparing myself to freeze without it.

"Don't be silly. It's fine. I get it," Noah claims, putting a hand on my arm to stop me from taking the hoodie off.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe, umm... maybe you can take some of his clothes, too? It might help with... everything," I bravely suggest.

"Maybe."

"I'm planning to get some more. More of his stuff, I mean."

"Why? Sam's clothes are way too big for you. You look ridiculous," my brother claims.

"Like you're one to speak. He was twice your size, too!" I protest.

Noah flinches when I say that and turns his gaze back up to the sky, blinking furiously. I suspect that new tears are threatening to fall. It is strangely comforting to know that I am not the only one who constantly feels like crying. If this happens to the boys, too, maybe I am not that weak after all.

"It's so fucking wrong...," Noah mutters. "To speak of Sam in the past tense... how can I ever get used to this? How do you even do it?"

"I'm a full day ahead of you, you gotta remember that. It's not as fresh to me anymore. At first, I couldn't do it, either, and in my head, I'd think of him as still being around. But it's now slowly starting to sink in and become more, I dunno, real, I guess," I try to explain quietly.

"You're really brave, Lils."

This compliment, if it is one, sure comes unexpected and I look at him wide-eyed. Noah continues to stare up at the sky so he doesn't see my expression.

"I am already a mess just trying to deal with these news. But you, you actually saw it happen, didn't you? Like, right in front of your eyes? And yet here you are, trying to comfort me when you've had it way worse."

Noah's kind words lift an invisible weight off my shoulders. Although he is going through probably the worst time in his life, he is still selfless and considerate enough show me empathy, too. It is good to see that the brother I have known all my life and who is a naturally caring person is still there and that this hasn't completely changed him. It leaves me hopefully that he can do it.

"I've had a lot of support. From Sean and Luke. And from Jordan," I admit. "At first, all I could think of was hiding from them, mainly Jordan and Alex, when they came up to the cabin. But then Jo-Jo found me and kind of forced me to talk to him. That helped a lot."

"Good, I'm glad that they were there for you."

"Me, too. – But we have to be there for them, too. It's just as hard – if not harder – on them. They've been through this twice before and I am very worried that this is going to be too much for some of our brothers," I decide to share my concerns with Noah.

"How are they doing?" he wants to know, sounding worried.

"Luke and Sean are incredible. They seem to cope okay, like they know what they're doing. Which is very sad, thinking about it, but their experience, so to say, seems to work for them. Jordan's really angry and he's not very good at hiding it."

"He has been on edge for a while now."

Noah noticed that, too?

This confirms that I have not been extra sensitive lately but that there is really something going on with Jordan.

"Yeah. I think it has to do with the stranger and whatever threat there is that they're so worried about. I must be something really bad, if it causes them to freak out like this. Jordan also didn't seem to be the only one who was acting weird and kind of nervous when I overheard them talking the other day. They all were. And Alex, he is totally beside himself now. I think he blames himself for what happened," I sigh.

"Why would you say that?"

I tell Noah what I heard them talking about when he and Jordan arrived at the cabin. Once I have finished that, I decide that he needs to know what happened at the police station, too.

"No way!" he exclaims when I am done. "Tom's with the FBI?"

"Apparently. He and Josh are on their way back from the East Coast and they'll likely get here later tonight with Ben. They want to speak to us."

"Why were they on the East Coast?" Noah asks.

I remember that he doesn't know that yet. He just thinks that they were on a trip and he knows that Ben is picking them up as we speak. Their destination is news to him.

"I don't know for sure. But something tells me that it isn't a coincidence. Will went there again, too, and he told me that he almost bumped into them near the police station in their old hometown and..."

"Hold on, hold on," my brother interrupts me. "You've found the place where they used to live? And Josh and Tom where there at the same time as Will? Are you serious?"

"Will found the place, yeah. He went back to check on some stuff, he said, and that's when he almost crossed their path. He managed to hide just in time, before they spotted him."

"Holy shit. That's like... I don't even know anymore."

Noah rubs his face and then runs his fingers through his already disheveled hair. He looks truly distressed and I feel a bit guilty for laying all this information out there for him when he has barely recovered from his earlier breakdown or the shock of Sam's accident.

"I know, right. We've made so much progress and at the same time there's still so much stuff that doesn't make sense. Like, for example, why their name used to be Johansen and not Taylor," I muse, still trying to put these puzzle pieces together in my head.

"What?"

Noah's strong reaction reminds me that, other than Will and I, none of my other brothers know this yet. Well, obviously the older ones know, since they used to have a different last name. But I don't think Jack knows and neither do the younger twins.

I quickly recount what Will told me on the phone yesterday. While I speak, the expression on Noah's face becomes more and more confused. I don't leave out any information this time and also tell him that Will confirmed that Sienna must have been the teenage girl that died in the trunk of that car that was discovered in a local lake. He looks like he is going to be sick by the time I finish.

"This family is so freakin' fucked up," Noah groans, rubbing his face some more.

"Don't say that," I scold him lamely.

Yes, I also think that there is something seriously wrong with our family and its history, but that doesn't mean that we are fucked up as a whole. I prefer to believe that it is the circumstances and a lot of really bad luck that brought this on.

I refuse to accept that my oldest brothers did something so wrong that they got themselves voluntarily into this situation. If anything, I would think this is our elusive father's fault. But I won't know that for sure until Alex finally starts talking.

"Well, it's true. I sometimes wish we'd never found out that something's wrong and that they're keeping secrets. Maybe then Sam would still be alive."

Noah's words feel like he threw a dagger straight into my heart. I was the one who started to unravel the mystery of our family and the way he just said this, it feels like this is all my fault. Maybe I am not to blame for the accident itself, or for not keeping the stranger away from Sam. But I am definitely to blame for stirring up all this information about our family's past.

"I just want to know the truth," I whisper desperately. "Is that so wrong?"

"No, Lils, it isn't," Noah quickly reassures me, only now realizing what his words triggered. "We have a right to know what's going on. I just wish it didn't come at such a price."

"We don't even know that Sam's accident is related to all this," I claim, clutching at straws, it seems.

"No, we don't. But honestly, since this wasn't really an accident, as far as I have been told, I doubt that there is such a coincidence that someone deliberately hurts him and then it is not related to all the secrets," he argues.

I guess he has a point, so I just nod wordlessly to show him that I agree with his assessment of the situation.

What have you guys gotten yourselves into?

Could this have been prevented?

Is that the reason why Alex blames himself and Jordan is so angry?

There are still so many questions and they almost make my brain explode. I let out an exhausted sigh. My previous desire to fall into hibernation and wake up in a few months' time resurfaces. This is getting too much and I dread to think of what is still to come.

"So what's next?" Noah asks, interrupting my depressing thoughts.

"Alex said he's going tell us the truth – whatever that is – once we're all together. But I expect that he might wait until the memorial service for Sam is over. I doubt he can handle both things at the same time. He's a mess already," I state sadly.

"Memorial service? – Oh god!"

Noah suddenly jerks around so that his back is facing me. He gags a few times, causing his body to shake violently and then throws up into the bushes. I stare at him, frozen for a moment, not knowing how to react to this turn of events. But when he continues to retch, I eventually wake from my stupor and quickly get to my knees.

"It's okay, Noah. You're okay," I assure him, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly.

Normally, it would totally gross me out to see someone vomit right in front of my eyes, but right now, I feel strangely unaffected by it. My main concern is that my brother is quickly feeling better. And thankfully, after a couple more minutes, the gagging stops and Noah slumps against the shed's wall. I pull him backward to keep him from being too close to the mess he made and then look at him.

Luckily, there seems to be no puke on his clothes. He is even paler than before, there are beads of sweat on his forehead and his eyes are red-rimmed. He looks like a shadow of himself, even worse than Alex. I lean up and offer a hug but he moves out of my reach.

"I've got barf all over me," he rasps, shoving me away.

"No, you don't. – Do you feel better?"

Noah shrugs, which I interpret as a no.

"I'm sorry I brought up Sam's... you know," I apologize, feeling bad.

I forgot that maybe not everyone wants to know all the details of what is going to happen in the next few days, like I do. It was my decision to ask Sean for this information and he willingly shared it it with me. But that doesn't mean I can just confront my youngest brother with it out of nowhere. It has only been a few hours since he even learned that Sam died. That was very insensitive of me.

"Don't... just don't even go there. I can't..." Noah struggles voice his thoughts.

I grab his ice-cold hand and squeeze it wordlessly, hoping that this will help him calm down.

"We should go inside. You need some water," I suggest, but not making a move to get up.

I fear that if we go inside, there will be more people there and I doubt that Noah is ready to face a brotherly welcoming committee. The only person that would do him good to speak to is Sean and he is most likely still at the shops.

How long have we been out here?

"M'fine. You go. I'll stay here," Noah confirms my thoughts.

"I'll stay, too, then. – If that's okay with you," I add.

"Sure."

"And I'll not talk about anything that might upset you more."

"I appreciate it."

"I'll just be quiet and sit here with you."

"Sounds like a good plan."

"There'll be way too many people we'll still have to talk to later tonight, when Josh and Tom get here, and Alex and Jordan. And..."

"Lils," Noah sighs heavily. "Your concept of being quiet is a bit... odd."

"Sorry." I make a gesture to zip my lips shut to show him that I mean it this time.

We both settle into a surprisingly comfortable silence, both of us staring up at the sky.

Inside my head, my thoughts circle around various brothers. At the forefront, however, are my worries about Will and his whereabouts. Nobody seems to have seen him since he got back from his trip. And Sean's warning that he better not do anything stupid is still very vivid in my mind.

My hand slips into the hoodie pocket and I grip my phone. Maybe sending him a message would put my mind at ease. But only if he replies. I am sure Noah won't mind if I text him as long as I stay quiet.

I am still pondering this when the silence is suddenly interrupted.

"Lily! Noah! Come inside, please!"

It looks like Jordan and Alex are back.

A/N - Aww, poor Noah. Although it seemed like Lily comforting him may have worked, he might still be struggling further down the line. So, Alex and Jo-Jo are back with Josh and Tom arriving soon, too. How will that encounter go? And is Will going to show up? We'll find out in the next chapter.

Thanks for reading, voting, commenting and being super loyal readers! Stay well, you all.