Chapter 13 - Sunset

A sweet smell attacks my nostrils the moment I step into the kitchen.

Sniffling, my eyes zero in on my second eldest brother's broad back, which is turned towards me. Josh is standing by the stove and is doing – something. I can't really see what he is occupied with, but the sweet aroma causes me to take a few cautious steps closer, hoping to satisfy my curiosity.

I am still a few feet away, about level with the kitchen island and in the process of walking past it, when Josh turns around, holding a big mug in each of his hands.

"Hey, sugar," he greets me, an almost invisible smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"What's that?" I ask, although I think I know exactly what he's holding.

My brother lifts one of the mugs.

"I fancied some hot chocolate. Wanna join me?"

Warmth spreads through my body at the thoughtful gesture. If there is anything that my brothers know is a sure way to quickly lift my spirits, it is this sugary treat. Josh once told me that this is why his nickname for me is "sugar".

Apparently, I have had a sweet tooth ever since I was a baby. He claims that my reaction when I tasted chocolate for the first time was the funniest and cutest thing he had ever witnessed – and he has seen nine younger siblings go through this phase before me. Although I doubt that he consciously watched Sean's or maybe even Ben's reaction too closely, seeing as he was only a little boy himself when they were at that age.

My mouth is literally watering at the sight in front of me so I nod quickly. I haven't had any food all day and a growing hole in my stomach is starting to become noticeable.

"Are there marshmallows, too?" I want to know.

"I couldn't find any. Not where they usually are, anyway."

"You'll have to check the top cupboard, behind the fancy dishes that we only bring out at Christmas," I tell him and walk up to the counter underneath said cupboard.

I attempt to climb on it, as I have done a million times before, seeing as I obviously can't reach the top cupboards in our kitchen and I usually can't be bothered to grab a chair to help me get up there. However, Josh's voice stops me before I can successfully hoist myself up.

"Stop! What do you think you're doing?" he exclaims.

"Looking for marshmallows?" I sigh, shaking my head at his dumb question.

"Didn't we teach you kids not to climb on the counters?"

I turn back towards him and shrug.

Isn't that one of those rules that are just there because that's what responsible parents are supposed to teach their kids, but everybody ignores them?

When Josh doesn't say anything else, I continue on my mission and hop onto the counter, feeling kind of accomplished at how easily I manage. It is a clear sign that my knee is almost fully healed.

That's something that should make me very happy, but instead, it puts a real damper on my mood. The thought of my past injury instantly reminds me of Sam and how it is mainly his achievement that I am back to climbing counters without pain.

Feeling deflated all of a sudden, I slump on the granite countertop, dropping onto my butt with my feet dangling down the sides of the cabinets. Josh continues to watch me and when our eyes meet, I can tell from his expression that he has noticed my mood change.

"What's wrong, monkey?" he asks cautiously.

"Sam made me a hot chocolate the night before his race," I whisper as another memory hits my busy mind.

Images of Sam, Hannah and I in the kitchen at the cabin dance before my inner eye. After I failed to convince him to share my KitKat when we were on top of the mountain with our bikes, I tried again the next day to get him to enjoy a treat. But Sam was adamant that it would "poison his body" and he stuck to his resolve to avoid sugar at all cost. Instead, he offered to make a hot chocolate for "his girls" and we watched with baited breath as he got to work.

Sam and preparing any kind of food or drink that involves a stove has always been a toxic combination as he has absolutely zero skills in that department. But, miraculously, he managed to make us our treat without burning down the kitchen – and it tasted surprisingly nice, too. Not to mention that he unearthed some marshmallows that had most likely been expired for a decade somewhere in the furthest, darkest corner of the mini-pantry at the cabin and which he very graciously added on top.

It was delicious!

But now, only two days later, I realize that I'll probably never have a hot chocolate with marshmallows again without thinking of Sam.

My sight is slightly blurry as I watch Josh put down the two mugs on the kitchen island. He steps up to me and pulls me into a tight hug. I cling onto him and absorb the comfort he is offering. Blinking a few times, I am glad that I manage to hold my tears back. I take a few deep, shuddering breaths and then slowly remove myself from the warm embrace.

My brother offers me a small, encouraging smile when I look up at him, feeling a bit sheepish.

"I didn't know Sam could even make a hot chocolate," he remarks lightly.

"He surprised us all," I agree, returning a sad smile.

"But he didn't have one himself, did he?" Josh continues.

Shaking my head, I roll my eyes at how predictable Sam is. How predictable he was.

I keep pushing down the sadness that threatens to overwhelm me, but it is getting more and more difficult the longer we talk about him. I am not sure how much longer I can do this and I wonder what Josh is trying to achieve with this conversation.

"Of course not. I don't think he has had a sugary treat in about five years, at least. Such a freak," I confidently play along, assuming that this is what Josh wants me to do even though I feel a bit like a robot doing it. "Remember how we built him a birthday cake from protein bars last year?"

"How could I forget? It was revolting," he grimaces.

"It must have been, if even you found it gross," I tease.

"I hate protein bars. You know that."

"Oh, I forgot, you're Mr. Super-Gross-Smoothies instead. The uglier the color, the more often you drink it."

"Just so you know, my smoothies are legendary," Josh claims.

"Yeah, sure, you keep saying that."

I shudder at the mere thought of these puke-inducing concoctions that he used to produce every morning when he was still living here. Every now and then, he still tries to talk me and our youngest brothers into trying them, too.

I think he only ever got Aidan to give it a go, because the older twin somehow thinks he has to copy our big brothers when it comes to health-related stuff and anything that could help improve his wannabe-jock-persona. But these smoothie breakfasts only lasted like a day or two and then Aidan gave up and returned to eating cereal and other stuff.

"What about those marshmallows now?" Josh not so subtly changes the subject.

I quickly get back on my knees in order to climb to my feet on top of the counter, but my brother once again stops me in mid-movement, this time by grabbing my hand.

"What?" I groan, slightly annoyed.

"Maybe I should do it? Knowing you, you'll fall off and break something."

Rolling my eyes again, I shake his hand off and stand up. Looking down at him, because now I am comfortably taller than his six two frame, I offer Josh a cheeky grin.

"You'd have to get a stool, shorty, because they are at the very back of the cupboard. The purpose of this awesome hiding place is that not even the giants in this family can spot them because they're above even their eye-levels," I explain as I open the cupboard.

"And why exactly are you hiding marshmallows from said family members?"

"It's not me, alone, but we are hiding them. The twins and Jack and Luke and I, to be specific. And the purpose is very simple: we make sure we have some whenever we need them. For situations like this one right here."

"I still don't get the why part...?"

"Because Alex would get upset with Ben and Jordan for supplying them in the first place since it's those two who buy them for us when we put them on the grocery list. And Jordan would eat all the marshmallows during one of his midnight craving sessions if we don't hide them from him."

That is one of the many reasons why I love Jordan so much. He is probably the fittest guy in this family but despite that, he has absolutely no limits when it comes to eating unhealthy food. Similar to Luke, his stomach is a bottomless pit and his metabolism is ridiculous, to quote Jack, who is completely in awe about this as he has told me more often than I care to remember. I think he is just jealous that no matter what Jordan stuffs into his mouth, he's always the same and his fitness level never seems to change.

"I see. It sounds a bit mean, don't you think, mainly that part about my dear twin. He buys them and then you hide them from him?"

I give Josh an innocent look and shrug.

"He buys a lot of them and we only hide some. And it's not like we don't share with the others if we're having a hot chocolate on movie nights. Jordan does get his fair share, don't worry."

I briefly check if nobody is about to come into the kitchen who is not supposed to know about this hiding place before I push a few piles of plates aside and reach behind them. A rustling sound fills the kitchen when my hand successfully pulls out an already open bag of pink and white marshmallows. I triumphantly hold it out towards Josh.

"How many?" he asks.

"Six."

"Lily."

"Josh."

"That's too many. They're massive and won't even fit in the mug. Let's do three."

"Five then. I'll have two to see if they're still edible and you put the remaining three in my hot chocolate," I bargain.

Josh huffs and I can easily tell that he did it to conceal his laughter at my suggestion.

"All right," he surprisingly agrees without an argument.

He takes out a handful of marshmallows and gives the resealed bag back to me. I eye him closely from my vantage point to make sure that he doesn't cheat. It looks like he took out seven, out of which he puts three into my mug, and places two more on the island next to the mug.

"Come on, you know you want to eat them," I point at the remaining sweets in his hand, trying to encourage him to allow himself a treat.

Thinking about it, that second mug of chocolate is highly suspicious, too. I wonder why I didn't question that earlier. If he prepared this for himself, he'll be forced to have gross vegetable smoothies for breakfast for the rest of the year.

None of Tom's famous blueberry pancakes for him for a long time.

That thought immediately has a sobering effect on me, reminding me of the main reason why I am in here with Josh offering me one of my favorite treats. We're undoubtedly going to have to talk about his fiancé soon and he is clearly trying to sweeten the deal.

Having no idea what kind of thoughts are running through my mind, Josh seems to have come to a decision and I watch him put one of the remaining two marshmallows in his mug and then he shoves the other into his mouth. Smirking and feeling a tiny bit accomplished, I return the bag to its concealed spot and prepare to get down from the counter. Again, my brother stops me, but this time by handing me my two sugary treats.

He is still chewing his, acting like he has never eaten a marshmallow before and like he is putting himself up to go into a sugar shock any minute. His silly antics make me giggle, despite the sadness that is still lingering somewhere in the back of my consciousness because this scene reminds me so much of Sam. I quickly stuff both marshmallows into my mouth and attempt to jump down but before I get a chance to do exactly that, Josh's hands encircle my waist and he easily lifts me off the counter.

"I may have turned a blind eye to your monkey ways when you climbed up, monkey, but I'm not letting you jump down and get hurt. Which we both know is a very likely scenario, whenever you are involved. The last thing we need right now is a trip to the ER."

Although his gesture is sweet, like any self-respecting younger sibling would do in my position, I poke my tongue out at him. It feels strangely relaxing to tease each other for a bit and act like nothing has happened. Josh is definitely the last person I would have expected to make me feel so at ease this soon after our family experienced such a tragedy.

"Cheeky monkey," he mutters under his breath.

I watch as he sits down on one of the bar stools at the kitchen island and pulls his mug towards him. When I don't move, Josh motions for me to take a seat, too. Looks like he is ready for that inevitable chat.

"Can we go outside?" I suggest instead, suddenly remembering that we will soon be joined by those planning to cook dinner.

I have no intentions to let anyone listen in on our conversation.

"Sure..."

My brother kind of hesitantly stands up but doesn't question me.

"Ben said he'll start dinner soon and wanted Aid to help him. They'll be here any minute," I feel the need to explain myself. "And Sean probably, too, since he was in charge of the food before Ben decided to step in – and save us."

"Sean's a pretty decent cook," Josh defends his younger brother as he walks to the patio door.

He holds it open for me and I slip past him. The stone slabs are still warm and the evening sun is bathing our back yard in a golden light. I squint for a moment, turning towards the sun and allowing the remaining summer evening beams to illuminate my face. The atmosphere reminds me of yesterday evening when I sat outside behind the cabin with Luke. It instantly makes me feel emotional.

Will sunsets now always have this effect on me?

I am still inclined to think the world should be mourning my lost brother like we do and therefore it should be pouring down with rain. But instead, the sun has given us some of the most brilliant weather all day yesterday and today.

Maybe this is Sam's way of showing us that he is still here.

A heavy sigh slips past my lips as I blink away the tears that are threatening to escape. I feel a presence behind me and a second later, Josh's arm wraps itself around me from behind. He offers me a tight, comforting hug before he drops a kiss on top of my hair and lets me go again.

Grabbing my hand as he steps past, he pulls me with him to the area in our backyard where some mismatched chairs and a couple of well-used sun beds make up a makeshift lounge area. My brother pushes me to sit down on one of the chairs, takes the mug out of my hands and places it together with his own on an overturned wooden crate that serves as a provisionary table. Josh then takes my hands in his and hunkers down in front of me.

"Are you okay, sugar?" he asks me, his voice slightly rough.

I try to avoid looking at him so that he won't see that my eyes are brimming with tears, turning my head to the right. But he is not having it and places a hand on my cheek and gently, but with determination, forces me to face his way. There are a lot of emotions on display in his own face, causing me to feel strangely relaxed.

A problem shared is a problem halved.

One of Sean's many set phrases pops into my mind as I study the brother crouching down in front of me. Maybe it is not so cliché after all, because that is exactly what I am feeling right now.

"It's the sun," I whisper, blinking again to keep the tears at bay.

"What about it?"

"It...it reminds me of Sam." My voice breaks at the end.

A shadow washes over Josh's face, but it happens so quickly that it is barely noticeable. He immediately replaces it with a small smile. His deep blue eyes – I never noticed them being so intense before – still hold a lot of emotions, but all of them are surprisingly positive. Understanding and love, that's what jumps out to me the most. Instinctively, I throw myself at him and wrap my arms around his neck.

A couple of minutes in silence pass as Josh's fingers absent-mindedly play with my hair. Then, I start to tell him about the hours I spent with Luke on the patio last night. He just listens without interruption, allowing me to try and explain all the overwhelming emotions that I experienced since yesterday.

"I miss him so much already," I cry into his shoulder once I am done. "And it hurts. It hurts so much."

Josh holds me tight and rubs one of his hands up and down my back in a comforting gesture.

"I know, Lily, I know. Remember, it's only been a day. And you're doing so, so well. I'm super proud of you."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, but probably because of his kind words, a huge wave of guilt crashes over me. Like it has on so many occasions lately when my brothers sat me down to speak one-on-one with me about what happened.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So, so sorry," I sob miserably.

Instead of saying anything, Josh just tightens his hold on me. He doesn't tell me that there is nothing for me to feel sorry for and something tells me that he knows what I am referring to. But his reaction – or lack thereof – doesn't make me feel worse. Quite the opposite, actually. The fact that he lets me apologize to him without questioning my motives or correcting me sort of helps that this massive weight, which has been threatening to crush me, is slowly lifting off my shoulders.

"Better?" he asks me a couple of minutes later.

I nod and finally pull out of his embrace. Placing my hands in my lap, I awkwardly start playing with my fingers. I never know how to restart a conversation after one of these mini-breakdowns. Josh seems to read my mood because he wordlessly places a hand on mine and pats it before moving over to take a seat in the chair next to me.

"I am sorry, too," he eventually breaks the silence.

Curiously, I shift my gaze in his direction, not understanding where he is going with this.

"I am sorry that we kept Tom's real occupation from you guys all this time. In hindsight, it was quite a stupid thing to do. I don't even really know anymore how and why it started. Well, that's not quite true, actually. I know why. But thinking it over in my head, which is what I've been doing all day today, it really doesn't make much sense. I apologize for keeping you and your brothers in the dark about it," Josh says sincerely.

"Thank you," I accept his apology. "Who else didn't know?"

"The twins, Jack and Will."

Just like I thought.

"Why?"

"You know why."

When I just look at him, signaling for him to go on and explain himself, he sighs heavily and runs a hand through his hair, ruining his hairstyle in the process. This is a clear sign that my brother is completely out of his depth here and quite distressed, too.

Josh is about as vain as his twin when it comes to his looks. Not only is he the best dressed out of all of us, but his hair is always perfect, too. But, unlike Jordan, he can't simply run his hand through it and look like he just jumped straight out of a fashion magazine. I know for a fact that Josh can spend hours in the bathroom fixing his hair and making sure that not even a tiny strand is out of place. Tom has complained about it plenty of times – and us siblings love to tease him about it, too.

"You said before that it made no sense, so why did you keep it from us?" I push because he doesn't seem to want to explain it to me.

"It just... happened." I notice how Josh actually cringes while giving me this useless reply.

"Why?" I repeat my earlier question.

I have a pretty good guess, but I want to hear it from him.

"Because... because of all the stuff going on with this family," he finally admits.

"You mean... with our da-father and... and all the secrets? Like, Sienna?"

The urge to not see Josh's face when I mention his – our – dead sister is huge, but somehow, I can't take my eyes off him. It is as if I would miss something important if I averted my gaze. So I brace myself to witness that same devastated expression on my second oldest brother's face that he had shown me the day he took me outside the cabin to tell me how Sienna's death nearly broke him for good.

"It is related to that, yes."

Josh's honesty surprises me, but what is even more striking is how composed he stays although I brought up the sorest topic of all for him. I wonder if what happened with Sam is the reason for his almost stoic reaction. Normally, whenever I bring up Sienna, there is always some lingering pain in his expression and I can usually tell that it almost hurts him physically to think of her, let alone talk about her.

This time, he totally keeps his composure. Like he braced himself for anything that I could possibly confront him with when having this conversation.

"How?" I continue with my one-syllable questioning.

"You know I can't tell you that, Lily."

A wave of anger and betrayal washes over me at his predictable reaction. I don't know what I've been expecting but deep inside I thought that maybe now, after what we have been through in the past one and a half days, they are finally willing to come clean. I have been sorely mistaken, it seems. And although a tiny voice in my mind warns me that it is a bit unfair for me to be stubborn in a situation like this, I plow on.

"Don't you think it's time that you guys come clean? There are clearly a lot of secrets and it's totally unfair that you're leaving us in the dark," I accuse him.

"Sugar, I know that Alex has told you plenty of times already that he will tell you guys everything you need to know when the time is right." Josh's voice is almost pleading now.

"I think the time has been right for a while now!" I snap.

Josh reaches out to grab my hand again but I pull it away before he succeeds. This is so frustrating and it is making me really mad. I don't want to lash out at him and I also don't plan to upset my brothers in any way during this difficult time, but in my opinion, they are acting very unreasonable.

From what I have gathered since Sam's accident, there is something clearly off about it. Alex is blaming himself although he wasn't even at the race, so it is either because of his general overprotectiveness towards all of his younger siblings – or there is an actual reason behind his behavior. Obviously, I would prefer it if it weren't the latter. But I doubt that it's simply his sacred big-brother-duty that is making him say these things since there have been so many signs that something bad is going on.

For example that whole situation with the stranger, which is, like, the biggest red flag of them all.

"I totally get you, I really do. And I agree, too. However, in this case, we have to wait for Alex to take the first step," Josh reminds me.

"But that's never going to happen, Josh! He's totally broken since Sam died!" I blurt out.

My brother jumps back as if I electrocuted him and I instantly feel bad for reacting so aggressively. Literally shouting out loud what happened to Sam has an almost paralyzing effect on me. I feel like all the pent up anger has disappeared, leaving me deflated.

"M'sorry," I mutter, repeating the same words for like the hundredth time today.

"Don't worry. I understand your frustration," Josh says quietly.

I glance at him and see that some color has returned to his pale cheeks. He still looks a bit shaky though, making me feel like the worst person on this planet for deliberately hurting him when he is clearly fragile but trying to hold it together, most likely for me.

"I'm aware that Alex is a bit beside himself at the moment. Understandably so. But I promise you that he'll get a grip on this situation in no time."

"How would you know?" I challenge his claim.

"Because that's who he is. Alex is the most resilient and strong person I know. He has been under immense pressure as of late. And before you even ask, yes, it is because of what we have been keeping from you guys. All the stress and uncertainty, it is related to our father. – We don't know for sure yet, of course, because it is all still very fresh, but there is a chance that Sam's... accident...," Josh struggles to get the words out and this time, I am the one reaching out to pat his hand in a comforting gesture, urging him to go on. "That the accident is somehow connected to this whole freaking mess, too."

He leaves these heavy words hanging in the air as he takes a deep breath before adding: "We just gotta give Alex a bit of space. He needs time to process everything – all of us do – and once he's ready, he'll talk to you guys. I promise."

"And what if he doesn't?" Josh gives me a questioning look so I clarify: "What if he doesn't get ahold of himself? What if this broke him... for good?"

My stomach churns at the thought of Alex never returning back to the strong, reliable person he has been throughout my life. The version of him that I encountered at the cabin has left me worried and uncertain and scared. I don't think I could deal with it if I never got my brother back the way he was before everything went so completely wrong.

"That's not gonna happen, munchkin. Alex is not gonna let that happen. And neither are we, I promise. Years ago, we've been through some pretty rough shit together, before you and the twins were born. I know that sounds ominous and I wish we would never have to tell you about it, but that ship has sailed, I guess. Now, it's just a question of when, not if, we tell you. But again, I promise you that Alex is going to get through this, either on his own or with our help. Let's just get the memorial service out of the way first, and then, when things have calmed down a bit, we'll deal with the rest. We'll take it step by step and day by day. Okay?"

I let Josh's words sink in before I hesitantly nod. I know that what he's saying – or proposing – is reasonable. Nothing good would come from it if I kept pushing for answers when all of us are plenty occupied with getting through the next few days in one piece.

"Okay," I agree.

"Great. – Thank you."

"Josh?"

"Hmm?"

"When's Tom gonna get here?" I address the other elephant still in the room.

"Are you okay with him coming over?" he asks in return.

I shrug, trying to figure out if the thought of an encounter with Tom feels upsetting or not. I am still not happy that they kept this information from us. But now that Josh has confirmed that them keeping Tom's real job from us is related to all the other secrets, it is a bit more acceptable. Although that situation with their secrets needs to be resolved urgently.

"I can't avoid him for the rest of my life, can I?" I remark dryly.

Hurt flashes in my brother's eyes at my words and I immediately wish I could take them back. I have no intentions to be hostile towards my soon-to-be brother-in-law. And the last thing I want is to hurt Josh in the process. He doesn't deserve it, even if he is just as guilty of keeping secrets from me as Alex and the others are.

"He'd love to see you, sugar, and to speak to you. If you're up for it, that is."

"Mhhmm."

"Is that a yes?"

I nod to confirm it.

"Oh, thank god," he breathes out and pulls out his phone.

I watch the sun slowly setting on the horizon, painting the evening sky orange and pink, as he quickly types a message to Tom, I assume.

"He'll be here in ten. – Thank you again, sugar."

Josh pulls me towards him and gives me a quick hug. I don't reply but lean in although the position is a bit awkward what with the two of us sitting on different chairs. He must have noticed that too, because he shuffles his chair closer until we are right next to each other. My brother wraps his arm around my shoulder and I settle against him.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Josh states quietly.

"I think it's Sammy, showing us that he's still here, saying hi," I mumble almost inaudibly, but he must have heard me because he tightens the embrace.

"That's a wonderful, beautiful thought, sugar. Keep that in your heart, forever."

"Do you have something that reminds you of Sienna?" I ask bravely.

Remembering how Luke told me about how anything grapefruit scented reminds him of Sienna, I am suddenly curious to hear more stories like these. Luke made it sound like it is a common thing to associate something specific – a memory or an item, I guess – with a person you lost. I am still new at trying to getting used to that thought.

Maybe, the sun is indeed a great way to remember Sam by. It comes out each day, and even if it is hidden behind heavy rainclouds, you know that it is there, somewhere, providing light and warmth and life. That way, I will think of the brother I lost every day. I owe him that.

"Oh, there are many things that remind me of her. But the two things that I associate the most with Sienna are friendship bracelets and anything heart-shaped," Josh reveals.

It makes me happy that he is so willing to share this with me, although I know how hard it must be for him to talk about her and how reluctant he usually is to do just that.

"Why?"

"Sienna loved friendship bracelets and started to make them when she was about seven or eight. I was the first person to ever receive one from her. It was far from perfect, in her opinion, because it had been her first attempt at making one, but to me, it was the most precious gift I had received from a sibling up until then. I wore it all the time even though she claimed that it was hideous. Eventually, when she realized that I was not inclined to take it off anytime soon, she made me a new one, trying to persuade me to get rid of the initial one. She acted so annoying that I eventually gave in but – and I never told her that – I didn't throw it away. From then on, every year, she would craft a new one and give it to me. I got six in total."

I have been carefully watching Josh while he told me this story. His eyes have adopted a slightly glossy shine. Now that I have experienced something similar to what he went through when losing Sienna, I can very much relate to how this must make him feel. However, mixed in with that obvious sadness – which is the main emotion that is keeping me hostage right now – there is also a fondness prominent in his tone of voice when he speaks about her.

I glance at his wrists and find them bare, apart from the expensive watch that Tom gave him as an engagement gift a few years ago and that he is very proud of.

"Do you still have them?" I want to know.

"Yes."

"But you don't wear them?"

"I haven't in a long time, no. But I should get them out once in a while..."

"... and maybe put them on?" I finish his sentence when his voice trails off.

Ever since we found out about Sienna, I have been trying to include her memories in our family life again. Sean has helped me a great deal, what with providing the photos for the gifts I gave my brothers last Christmas. And Alex even let me put up that family portrait in the hallway of when they were kids. I should convince Josh to stop hiding that kind of memorabilia, too.

"Maybe," he agrees softly.

"I'd really like it if you would show them to me, one day, when I come to your house."

Josh pulls me closer and kisses the top of my head.

"We'll do that, sugar. I like that idea."

"So, what about the hearts? Is there a story, too?" I ask curiously.

It feels very relaxing to talk to him about this. I just hope I am not pushing him away by being nosy. Then I tell myself that it was his choice to reveal what reminds him of Sienna. Surely, he would have said something if he weren't ready to share his memories with me. He knows me well enough to anticipate that I will ask questions.

"She had a thing for heart shapes, believe it or not. It might not sound too weird for you, since you unfortunately never got to meet her. I mean, what's wrong with love hearts, in general, right? But Sienna was a bit of a tomboy, so it was a bit of an odd thing for her to have some kind of an obsession with those, umm... kinda girly things. Just to illustrate what I mean: whenever mom wanted her to wear a dress or even skirt when she was younger, she'd throw a fit. I don't think I have seen her in a dress more than twice, maybe three times, all her life. Sienna was the most comfortable wearing jeans or shorts and t-shirts. She'd often wear our clothes that we had grown out of."

I automatically look down at myself and Sam's hoodie that is still covering most of my body. Josh must have noticed what I am doing and he lets out a quiet laugh.

"Not like you do. She wore them for real, not seven sizes too big and just because they're comfy and could substitute for a tent," he teases me, pulling at one of the strings of the hoodie to emphasize his point.

I swat his hand away. He doesn't know it yet, but I don't intend to stop wearing Sam's clothes anytime soon and I won't hesitate to go to school in a top that literally drowns me. Weird or not, I don't care.

But I get what he means with regards to Sienna. She apparently didn't like to dress too much like a girly girl, full stop. Nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. I sometimes like to wear skirts or even a dress, but those occasions are far and few between. Mainly because I don't want to deal with my youngest, immature brothers teasing me.

"Where was I? Ah, yes, well, for some reason, Sienna would always chose things that were heart shaped, be it sweets or little gadgets or whatever. She'd scribble love hearts literally everywhere. And when she signed her name, there would always be a heart instead of a dot atop of her i's," my brother remembers.

My heart stops a beat when he says that.

She really did that?

"Yes, sugar, just like you used to do," Josh confirms softly, reading my thoughts correctly.

He takes my hand and starts rubbing circles on the back of it. Glancing his way, I conclude that he hasn't even noticed that he is doing it. Maybe it gives him comfort, and I am not complaining.

"Maybe it's a sister thing, subconsciously? I've always wondered that."

The way Josh says that, in an almost whisper as if he were talking to himself, and yet full of adoration, causes goosebumps to cover my whole body.

"I... I... That's..." I struggle to find an appropriate reaction.

I don't know why this is so touching, because I am sure that there are millions of people out there who do that, but somehow it still feels special to know that I have picked up a habit from the sibling that I never got the chance to meet. And I certainly didn't copy that from any of my brothers. Because the only ones with "i's" in their names are Aidan and Will – and I highly doubt that they have ever even drawn a love heart in their lives.

"Why did you stop doing that, by the way?" Josh now takes his turn to ask me something.

I shrug, not really sure why and when I stopped.

"I must have grown out of that phase," I reply matter-of-factly.

A very untypical snort escapes my brother, causing me to narrow my eyes at him. I can't even use a word like "grow" in a sentence that relates to me without being made fun of. It's even worse than when I have to remind them that I am not a baby anymore, which always seems to be an invitation for them to make fun of me, too. It is highly annoying.

"Pity, really. I used to love receiving those little notes from you when you were younger. Remember those? Not only were they super sweet, but as I said, every time I saw your signed name, it brought back memories of Sienna. I obviously never shared that with you, but now that you know about her, I can finally say it out loud."

He tugs at my hands, making me look up at him. A kind smile is adorning his face and I can't help but return it. Josh looks very relaxed.

"Thank you so much for keeping Sienna's memory alive for me, munchkin, even if unintentionally," he tells me sincerely.

I don't even know what to say to that, so I simply nod and offer him another smile.

Never in a million years would I have thought that those notes meant so much to him. It was shortly after I had started school and learned to write new words literally every day that I began to write little letters – just pieces of paper that I folded up – to my oldest brothers, showing off my steadily improving writing skills. I would hide them anywhere that came to my mind, under their pillows, in their shoes, in the pockets of their jeans or even in their lunch bags. Once I discovered post-it notes, I also rather excessively stuck them onto everything that I could get my hands on.

I make a mental note to sign my name the old way on his next birthday card.

We sit in comfortable silence for a bit and watch the sun slowly setting in the west. I have no idea what time it is, but from the colors of the sky, it should be too late for dinner by now. I wonder why nobody has come outside yet to call us in.

My mind drifts back to the sun. At the beach, the sunset would be breathtaking right now. I haven't been to the beach all summer yet. Sam loved the beach and would go surfing whenever he had time. I think he also took his clients, who booked him as a personal trainer, for runs at the beach or for various beach activities.

He tried to pitch that kind of training to me a few times, too, saying that he could think of some exercises that would help me gaining back the necessary strength in my knee. I always refused, not feeling up to doing any sports-related activities in front of strangers who might be hanging out at the beach, too.

Sam laughed at me and called me a chicken. He did it for so long until I snapped and agreed to give him one opportunity to prove to me that it won't be a total embarrassment. I demanded that he throw in at least one ice cream at the end of said torture session and – surprisingly – he agreed to my terms. We were supposed to give it a go during my summer break.

A heavy sigh escapes my lips when I realize that this is not going to happen now. My chest tightens and I have to work hard to not break down into tears yet again.

My depressing thoughts are interrupted by the arrival of someone new.

"Hey, guys," Tom's voice brings me back to the present, making me jump slightly.

I can feel a hand patting my thigh. Josh is obviously trying to help calm me down but it is not for the reason he probably thinks. I am no longer worried to face Tom. He just startled me, showing up out of nowhere.

"Hi, babe," my brother greets his fiancé.

I watch as they share a quick kiss and notice how Tom pats Josh's shoulder in what looks like a comforting way. He must feel sorry for him that he had to deal with me without him by his side.

Tom probably doesn't know yet that our conversation was pretty civil. Neither of us has been throwing around accusations or started yelling, which admittedly happens a lot lately. According to Jordan – who regularly tries to channel his inner Sean, I assume – it is because Josh is a stubborn individual and I am a moody almost-teen and our personalities are bound to clash as I go through puberty.

"Did you just come through the garden?" Josh wonders.

"Yeah, like the coward I am, I snuck around the outside of the house and came straight here to avoid bumping into any of the others," Tom admits sheepishly.

He pulls out a chair and sits down in front of Josh and I so that we are forming some kind of mini circle. His eyes never once leave me and for some reason, I can't stop looking at him, either. Normally, in awkward situations, I find nothing more interesting than my fingers or even my shoes and I avoid eye contact at all cost.

This time, things feel different. It is as if my mind wants to find confirmation that what I learned about Tom this morning is really true. I am looking for proof, that he is indeed a federal agent.

"You're a chicken, indeed," Josh teases him, his voice holding a lot of adoration as he does that.

"I didn't want to be held up. There's still time to see them afterwards," Tom brushes him off and then turns his body around a bit so that he is facing me straight ahead. "Hi, Lily. How are you doing, bug?"

If Josh's voice held adoration for his fiancé, Tom's voice now is full of compassion towards me. But it doesn't annoy me or cause me to put up defenses because I am technically supposed to be upset with him. Instead, it feels nice and the tightness in my chest slowly decreases.

"Hi, Tom," I whisper and quickly clear my throat to not sound so broken. "I'm okay, I guess?"

It comes out like some kind of question and I wish I would have sounded more confident when claiming that I am okay. Nobody is going to buy it if I keep sounding so vulnerable.

"I'm so very sorry about Sam. I can't even imagine that you must be going through right now. I'm here for you, if you let me."

That last bit he said quietly, as if he were unsure whether he was even allowed to offer this, what with this whole FBI agent stuff standing between us.

Now, seeing him in person and feeling the vibes surrounding my brother and Tom, it is like all the anger and disappointment at their betrayals has vanished into thin air. There is simply no way that I can resent my almost-brother-in-law. I would have to try really hard to feel angry and I don't have the energy to focus on such resentments right now.

"Thank you, that's... very nice," I reply rather stiffly.

Although I certainly didn't sound convincing, I still detect a small glimmer of something – hope? – in Tom's eyes and he visibly relaxes into the chair. He studies me for a bit and I can almost see the wheels turning in his head, allowing me to practically read his thoughts. Instinctively, I lift my arms to the side, inviting him to give me a hug.

This time, a genuine smile appears on his handsome face and his brown eyes sparkle with relief. Tom gets up and kneels down in front of me before he reaches out and gently pulls me into a heartfelt embrace. He mutters some unintelligible words into my hair but I don't bother trying to understand them. I know that it isn't important what he is saying but only that we are holding each other.

After about a minute, he lets me go and sits back down. The small smile is still lingering on his face but there is also a sense of reluctance there now.

"As much as this made me feel a lot better, I'm aware that there are still some things that need to be talked about. I totally understand if you are upset with me, Lily," he says sincerely.

I wordlessly study him. His normally sun tanned face looks slightly pale, making the dark stubble appear more prominent than normal. There also seem to be more gray hair visible, which would have been funny if it weren't for the situation that is anything but.

Tom is a few years older than Josh, I think around 37 or so, and we have enjoyed making fun of him recently because a few silver strands have been spotted near his temples. Also, there is the occasional gray hair in his five-day-stubble. Josh has told us that Tom freaks out whenever he finds a new one and he religiously pulls them out with tweezers. As if that would stop the process.

That just goes to show how vain he is. The perfect fit for Josh and some others in my family. They are a bunch of conceited princesses. But whenever I point this fact out to them, they act offended and tell me that I am just jealous. I think, out of my brothers, the ones that care the least about what they look like – or what people think of them – are Ben, Luke and Will. Even Alex and Sean have their odd vain moment. And the little twins are unfortunately growing up following in the footsteps of their questionable role models, too.

"Hey, mouse, what is going through your mind?" Tom interrupts my thoughts.

"You... you don't look much different," I say slowly.

I hear my brother chuckling at that but I managed to ignore him and stay focused on Tom instead.

"Why and, well, how would I look different?"

Tom holds my gaze and he remains as sincere as when he stated that I may be upset with him – which is not wrong, of course. I appreciate that he is not laughing at my childish implication of him looking like a different person or even being one just because I now know the truth about his profession.

"I dunno," I shrug. "It's stupid."

"It's not stupid, Lily. It isn't okay that we never told you and your brothers that I work for the FBI. I apologize for that."

"Why didn't you?" I decide to ask, altough I've been there with Josh already.

I am curious to hear Tom's side of the story.

"It was an agreement we came to, your brothers and I. That's Josh here, and Alex and Jordan. The others were only involved occassionally."

That's mainly what Alex said, too. And that it was strictly "need-to-know", whatever that means.

"Okay," I say, suddenly feeling exhausted.

To me, it seems as if I am going to have a repeat of the conversation I had with Alex and Jordan this morning, and with Josh only a few minutes ago. All vague and stuff, I really don't need that, unless it shines a new light on things. And I highly doubt that Josh will let that happen. They have been adamant that I will only learn new things when all the family is sitting down together, so that they don't have to tell it more than once.

It must be really horrible, if they make such a big deal out of it.

A shiver runs down my spine which doesn't go unnoticed by my company.

"Something's bothering you," Tom observes.

"A lot of things are bothering me," I snap.

"Lily," Josh warns me.

"Sorry. But I tried to learn more from Alex and Jordan earlier and they... umm... stonewalled me. Again. It's so tiring."

As if to emphasize this statement, a small yawn escapes me. Josh reaches over and pulls me closer and I snuggle into his side again. I am starting to feel a bit cold, now that the sun has disappeared and it is almost dark outside.

"I'm sorry about that," Tom apologizes again. "I wish I could tell you more about my job. Well, I assume you'd not want to know about my every day job, which, quite frankly, is pretty boring. I'm sure you'll want to know more about my involvement with your family's case, so to say."

I feel Josh stiffen next to me and this time, it is my turn to pat his hand to keep him calm.

"I know that Tom's been helping you and Alex with whatever is going on. Alex also told me that it's related to Dad," I tell my brother.

It is a strange feeling, to be referring to a person as "Dad" and how the word came out automatically, without me putting much thought into it. I have grown up not knowing anybody by this specific label and it has been totally okay. But now that I am aware that there is a person out there who is alive and would be called that, it is kind of weird and unusual.

I don't miss how Josh flinches when I say that. He probably instantly envisioned our father in his mind when I brought him up. I wish I knew what he looked like so that I could picture him, too. If it weren't such a sore topic for my older brothers, I'd ask them if any of them has a photo somewhere. There wasn't even one in Sean's vast collection of pictures, however. It is as if they deliberately tried to delete him from our lives.

"It is. And that's why it is a... let's say difficult topic to talk about," Tom confirms and I watch him exchange a meaningful look with Josh.

I can't see my brother's expression from how I am positioned, leaning against him, but I can imagine that he doesn't look very happy right now. I hope this conversation is not too upsetting for him. I don't want to add to my siblings' agony by rubbing salt into their wounds. If they don't want to talk about it to me, I have to try and be patient for a bit longer, even if it seems impossible.

I decide to give it one more try to find out more before I will rest my case for now. It can't hurt and maybe I'll be successful because Tom is feeling guilty for lying to me all these years. It feels a bit mean but I am not one to let that opportunity slip past without at least trying.

"Why was the stranger on your list?" I confront him directly.

"Who're you talking about?" Tom asks, looking genuinely confused.

I quickly recount how I even came to know about his job in the first place. Although it is pretty much dark now, I can see how Tom's face grows paler as my information sinks in. The line between his eyebrows increases and I can tell that he is struggling to figure out how to answer my question. To gain some time, he rubs his face with his hands, reminding me of my oldest brother, who does the same when he is stressed or overwhelmed.

"I don't think...," Josh starts, feeling protective over his fiancé, I assume.

Or maybe he just wants to keep stalling me when I am trying to get information out of them. Nevertheless, Tom waves him off. He blinks at me a few times and then apparently decides that I deserve at least a few answers.

"That list that you're referring to, it contains an array of people that we have been trying to keep tabs on, because they are working for some very bad people. They..."

"Tom...," Josh tries to intervene again, but Tom just shakes his head and, impressively, it works.

"No, Josh, let me tell her that, at least. I am sick and tired of keeping secrets from the rest of your family. You know that I have been against it from the start, but I respected yours and Alex's wishes because you had a lot of really good reasons for how you decided to go about this. But the cat's out of the bag now, to use very trite rhetoric, and I don't see how we can gain anything from keeping more secrets from them, and Lily specifically, since she's clearly wrapped up in it all now."

Tom stops, like he's trying to gauge Josh's reaction. But my brother seems to accept his defeat. I feel him shrug his shoulders as if giving his fiancé the green light. I cuddle closer to him and whisper a "thank you", which he acknowledges with the tightening of his arms around me.

"Because of what your... father, was involved in in the past, there a various people out there who want to threaten him into not taking certain, well... actions, so to say. Oh, and don't even try to ask me what these actoins are or what the exact situation is, because I'm not inclined to tell you. That's Alex's job and his decision," Tom reminds me to which I nod. "Anyway, we, as in the FBI and the police and some other involved parties, have reason to believe that these people are specifically targeting you guys to get your father to comply. Which, under normal circumstances, would have to be expected. But because of how you guys cut ties with your father and his far from glorious past, it has been difficult to figure out if and if so, how there could even be a connection. Or if there is a threat at all."

Wow.

I overheard my brothers talking about people who are apparently meaning us harm and it was shocking enough. But to get confirmation from an FBI agent, out of all people, that there really is such a threat out there, is overwhelming. It makes it all so much more real.

Suddenly, I can't just push it aside as my big brothers being paranoid and overprotective.

Suddenly, it feels almost too real.

The stranger had Sam killed and it is all because of my father.

The enormity of this realization, this confirmation from Tom, is paralyzing.

My family is more messed up than I ever thought.

Are we ever going to get out of this and go back to normal?

I now wish more than anything that I could go back to a year ago, when my life was easy and uncomplicated and all that ever bothered me was Aidan.

I miss my old life.

A/N - Happy belated Easter everyone (who's celebrating)! I hope you had a nice few days off.

So, Lily made peace with Josh and, as it looks, with Tom, too. Good for her! Let's hope Alex won't put off talking to his family about said threats and the ominous father for too long. Will's still missing, too. I wonder what he's been up to...

Stay tuned for the next chapter, which will certainly come, but I can't say how long it'll take me to write. Thanks for your continued support!