Chapter 15 - Rock

Will's words hang heavily in the air and it feels like time stands still.

My eyes are still closed, like I'm afraid to witness what is going to happen next. But when it takes forever for anyone in the room to react, curiosity gets the better of me and I squint slightly. The sight in front of me is not pretty when my eyes land directly on Sean.

He looks like he has seen a ghost, way worse than when Will mentioned the awful situation in which apparently Sienna's body was found all those years ago. His eyes are unnaturally wide and any remaining blood has drained from his face, making him look pale as a sheet. For a moment, I fear that he will faint if I don't go over to support him, but when I try, I find my feet are glued to the floor, leaving me unable to move.

I am frozen in my spot while dread is taking hold of my body. I have been expecting an instant explosion, mainly from Jordan, but instead, it is eerily quiet in the living room. The only thing I hear is the sound of someone's heavy breathing but I can't seem to make out where it is coming from.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Jordan's gravelly voice eventually cuts through the tension like a knife, startling me. But it also manages to drag me out of my immobile state. I turn my head in his direction and find him staring at our drunk brother with a nonchalant expression, almost looking bored.

"The hell you don't! Don't fucking lie to me! Actually, don't lie to her!" Will unexpectedly erupts, putting everyone's attention on me when he gesticulates wildly in my direction.

'Leave me out of this!' I want to scream, but no words come out.

Instead, I just stare back at my brothers, feeling helpless and useless – and utterly overwhelmed.

"Stop being so dramatic, Will. You're clearly drunk off your ass and you're not making any sense," Jordan accuses him way too calmly.

His face still looks disturbingly neutral, but from having spent a lot of time with him since he returned home, I can tell that he is barely holding it together. I have learned to read him as best as possible, which, admittedly, is pretty difficult, since he's not an open book when it comes to his emotions like some of my other siblings are.

And over these past few weeks, he has become very unpredictable with his moods and reactions. Something is clearly bothering Jordan to a great extent because he is losing his infamous countenance more and more lately. His reaction to anything relating to the stranger is the main indicator that he is not okay.

"I am not making in any sense? Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? I am definitely not drunk enough to buy your bullshit any longer, Jo-Jo!"

My heart clenches at Will's mocking tone when he basically abuses my nickname for Jordan.

"Trust me, I wish I were shitfaced enough to not care about your deception and flat-out lies! Because it's a fuckin' tragedy! But newsflash, big bro, my brain is still functioning well enough to be able to distinguish between the truth and complete and utter bullshit!"

I don't remember ever seeing Will so beside himself. Sure, he fights a lot with Alex and has been doing so over the years, since they pretty much disagree on everything having to do with Will's behavior, his disinterest in getting good education and his choices about his future. But never have I witnessed him so viciously attacking anyone like this.

I wonder if there is more that he discovered during his two trips to the East Coast than I am aware of. Or if it is simply a case of him being as annoyed about them keeping a ton of secrets as I am. With the difference that Will actually has the guts to speak up while I have not found that courage yet. Strangely, it leaves me with a sense of satisfaction that he is fighting in my corner. Maybe, in a joint effort, we will eventually manage to get to the bottom of this chaos.

"Then let's hope your legs are working just as fine as your brain apparently is, because this pointless conversation is over and I suggest you march your intoxicated ass upstairs right now. You're insufferable when you're like this and I'm so done with your shit."

Jordan's harsh words are accompanied by the kind of intimidating glare that would make me shake in my boots were it aimed at me. However, it doesn't seem to do anything to Will, other than elicit a cynical laugh.

Then things quickly escalate when Jordan makes an attempt to turn his back on his younger brother. Like a flash, Will's arm shoots out and he manages to grab Jordan's wrist, effectively keeping him from walking off. I watch with wide eyes as the oldest brother in the room freezes on the spot. I can't see his face because he is turned away from us, but the way his whole body tenses before he squares his shoulders is enough to make me feel really worried for whatever his reaction will be.

I glance in Sean's direction, hoping and mentally pleading for him to intervene before this gets completely out of hand, but I immediately regret that. Because while he is still perched on the sofa's armrest, his ghostly pale face has now adopted a scarily vacant expression. I doubt that he is even processing what is going on right in front of his nose.

My throat closes up as my brain goes into overdrive.

What am I doing to do if my brothers are starting to throw fists?

How do I stop them?

Should I go wake Alex, just in case...?

"We're not done here," Will commands firmly, interrupting my thoughts.

Jordan audibly clears his throat before he pulls his arm free from Will's hold.

"Oh, trust me, we are," he replies in a very low voice.

"Was your last name Johansen?"

"Go to bed, Will."

"Why did you change your name?" Will pushes on relentlessly.

At this, Jordan whirls back around, bends slightly at his waist and leans in until his face is only inches away from his younger brother's. It is obvious that his composure is crumbling fast because the previously neutral expression has been replaced by a very irritated one.

"I said. This. Conversation. Is. Over," he emphasizes each word.

"Is it because of your sister's murder?"

"Will!" I gasp, finally finding my voice, but nobody hears me because Jordan very loudly shouts "Shut up!" at the same time.

I am literally horrified by Will's outburst.

Murder.

There it is again, that dreadful word. It has been used way too often in relation to our family lately. Even though all evidence – at least the tiny bit that I know about – points at Sienna having died violently. Also, to me it is very clear that Sam's accident wasn't an accident at all. Still, it disturbs me greatly to think of their deaths in such a way.

And to hear Will say it out loud makes it twice as bad.

Before I can start to grasp what is happening, Jordan grabs Will by the collar of his t-shirt and partially pulls him off the sofa. Their noses are almost touching as he shakes his younger brother violently.

"I told you to shut your fucking mouth!"

The sheer volume of Jordan's voice makes me almost jump out of my skin. If I thought I had seen him in all kinds of angry states lately, I have been wrong. Whatever I have witnessed before is nothing compared to the hot anger that is radiating off him right now.

Although my sight is becoming blurry and my head is spinning slightly, I see Will's face losing some of its previous color. I would be terrified if I were in his place because it is very obvious who is at an advantage out of the two of them if this escalates. Or turns violent, I should probably say, since the way Jordan is holding him in an iron grip is anything but gentle. My third oldest brother looks like he could crush Will with a flick of his wrist.

"Jordan, stop it and leave him alone," Sean suddenly speaks up.

His voice sounds surprisingly firm and when I look at him, it seems as if he has finally come out of his daze. He doesn't look like he's about to pass out anymore and that realization makes me regain some confidence, too. If anyone can be reasonable and get these two hotheads to let go of each other before there is a bloodshed, it is Sean.

"Only if he keeps his dirty mouth shut," Jordan growls angrily, not taking his eyes off Will, who remains at his mercy. "Are you going to keep your mouth shut, huh?"

"Only if you fuckin' answer my questions," Will immediately shoots back.

The nerve of him!

I find myself staring at Will in awe, whishing that I could be so brave and cool in an adverse situation like this. I have always known that he is pretty fearless, but the courage he is displaying right now is really impressive. I would have crumbled and turned into a blubbering mess if Jordan only fixed me with half of the kind of glare he is directing at our brother.

"You're really asking for it, aren't you?"

This is clearly a threat because I don't detect even the tiniest bit of sarcasm in Jordan's words.

My eyes widen with fear when he effortlessly pulls Will all the way up from the sofa. I have no idea what he is about to do and I'll hopefully never find out because Sean jumps up and rushes over, getting right between the two. Instinctively closing my eyes, I let out an anguished shriek, fearing for his safety.

"Stop it, you idiots!" He orders very loudly, but still somehow without really yelling.

I make out commotion that I can't really place, followed by angry grunts, but I am too terrified to open my eyes and see for myself what is happening.

"You're all a bunch of fucking liars!" Will shouts agitatedly.

"And you're drunk!" That's Jordan.

"Guys! Let it go already." Sean.

"How can you even sleep at night?" Will continues to taunt.

"You don't know what you're talking about!" Jordan shouts. "You have no fuckin' clue what's been going on all these years! So don't you dare talk to me like this, when sleepless nights have been the norm rather than the exception for months now!"

The tone of his voice cuts through me like a knife. It is very loud and laced with incredible rage but at the same time he also sounds – desperate?

Or sad?

No, that can't be it.

Why would Jordan be sad?

I mentally kick myself at my own stupidity.

Of course he is sad.

He has lost two siblings already. And his mom. It is a miracle that he hasn't been sad like this all the time, meaning ever since I've known him. Because I have no idea how I will ever get rid of the sadness that has taken my body hostage a week ago.

"For goodness' sake, will you two shut up already? You'll wake up the whole house!" Sean once again tries to reason with them.

But the others completely ignore him and continue to throw insults, threats and profanities back and forth. If I felt stupid before for wondering why Jordan might sounds sad, it has now changed and I feel utterly useless. There is nothing I can think of that I could do to get them to stop.

If Sean can't, what would my chances even be, if I tried?

I obviously won't go between them, like Sean just tried to and failed. Jordan made it very clear that I am not to do that ever again after what happened at the gas station a few weeks ago. I certainly won't do anything to fuel his irritation when he is like this.

When I suddenly feel a presence beside me, I realize that I've kept my eyes squeezed shut ever since they started getting physical with each other. Involuntarily, I flinch and attempt to take a step back but then an arm is draped around my shoulders, keeping me from moving away and pulling me closer instead. I don't have to open my eyes to know that it is Sean.

"Not only are you going to wake the twins, you're also scaring Lily. Is that what you want?"

My eyes immediately fly open and I turn to glare up at Sean. I might have been feeling slightly scared of what is going on, but I definitely don't appreciate it if people point out these kind of things. I would never admit out loud that my own siblings make me feel unsafe in their presence. So, being put in the spotlight like this is the last thing I want.

"And whose fault is that? If you weren't such a lying bunch of fuckin' cowards, we'd not be having this conversation at all," Will accuses Sean.

"I think we're done here," Jordan announces, sounding kind of defeated.

I notice with relief that he has loosened his grip on Will's t-shirt and is now standing about a foot away from him, his big arms crossed in front of his chest. But he is still glaring at his younger brother with a furious expression on his face. Jordan looks like a ticking time bomb and that doesn't make me feel very confident that this is really over.

"And I think you still owe us an answer."

Why does Will keep pushing his buttons?

Does he want Jordan to explode and lash out at him?

What is he trying to achieve by acting like this?

This is possibly the worst time ever to push the older guys on this. In a few hours, Sam's memorial will take place. That is hard enough for all of us to deal with. So, really, as much as I want all the answers – and I have been wanting them for a very long time now – I honestly don't care about getting them right now.

Of course, I don't want our brothers to put off giving them to us indefinitely, but I also expect and fear that learning about our family's past will be difficult and upsetting. Otherwise, I don't think they'd have kept all these secrets for so long. It might be very emotional once they tell us what has been going on and additional emotional burdens are the last thing we need at the moment.

"Will, can you please let it go for now? Let's first focus on getting through tomorrow – well, today – and once that's over with, we can figure out the rest," Sean suggest very reasonably. "We're all tired and irritable and if we continue this pointless back and forth, it will definitely not lead to anything constructive or helpful."

"You're a freakin' hypocrite, Sean, I hope you realize that," Will immediately snaps at him, followed by a hard glare.

His eyes are still red-rimmed and he looks pretty bad. I don't know whether to feel sorry for Will or be upset with him for letting himself go like this. I surely expected the first time I get to see him after Sam died to go differently. The gentle and concerned brother that he was when we spoke on the phone the day after the accident has completely vanished only to be replaced by a version of Will that scares and worries me in equal parts.

I am suddenly very exhausted.

"Please stop?" I plead, hating how child-like, meek and uncertain my voice comes out.

I'm not usually too shy to speak up around my siblings – I would never be heard if that were the case – but this situation here is so unfamiliar and uncomfortable that I am feeling completely out of place. I wish I hadn't been so desperate to see Will and that I had stayed in my bedroom, despite the commotion downstairs. Witnessing two of my favorite people get at each other's throats is not fun at all.

"I don't want you to fight anymore," I continue when I have their attention.

"Sweetheart...," Sean starts gently, but is interrupted by Will.

"Oh, so you're suddenly not interested in the truth anymore? Is that what you're sayin'? We're that fucking close to finally getting an answer out of them and now you're all in favor of them stonewalling us? Are you messing with me, or something?"

When he says "that fucking close", he demonstrates it by holding his thumb and forefinger up, indicating about an inch's distance between the two. To emphasize his point, Will moves forward, probably to hold his fingers right in front of my face for me to see what he means. But due to his drunken state, his limbs are still uncoordinated, causing him once again to trip over his own feet. His knee crashes into the small side table that holds his previously discarded coffee and when the table falls over with a loud bang, the cup flies through the air and lands on the ground, creating an ugly stain.

Unperturbed by having almost fallen flat on his face, Will continues to stumble closer to me. His sudden hostility towards me comes totally unexpected and all I can do is stand there and stare at him as he gets right into my face.

"You're quite the entitled, selfish little brat, aren't you? Stirring up shit left, right and center, begging us to help you uncover the truth. And like the stupid pushovers we are, we can never say no to these sickeningly sweet puppy dog eyes that so conveniently fill up with tears whenever it damn well suits you."

I don't know where this even comes from, but I am so shocked by the development that all I can think about is that, for someone drunk enough to fight to stay upright, it is rather impressive how articulate Will is.

"Will!" Sean and Jordan shout at the same time, but it is to no avail as he is clearly on a mission.

"But when it comes to finally holding your oh-so-beloved brothers..." He dramatically rolls his eyes when he says that, "...accountable for keeping from us that they used to have a completely fuckin' different last name, where is that damn determination of yours all of a sudden? Gone! Vanished into thin air, like, poof! You'd rather condone them lying to you than face the truth. Such a coward."

Will shakes his head in disappointment at my failure to support his... whatever this is.

A vomit-inducing smell of alcohol mixed with cold smoke lingers in the air even after Jordan very roughly pulls our intoxicated brother away from me while I remain rooted to the spot like a statue. I don't think I've blinked even once since he began to verbally lash out at me. Luckily, there are no tears threatening to come out. It feels as if his words have quite literally turned me to stone.

"Don't you ever dare speak to her like this again, you asshole!" Jordan furiously yells at his him. "I am trying really hard to not kick your stupid ass from here to the moon just about now and trust me, it takes about all of my self-control!"

I watch with baited breath as Jordan deliberately jostles Will in his hold as if to demonstrate how easily he could hurt him. His voice has gradually risen with every word he hurled at Will, to the point where I am ready to put my hands over my ears just to block out their argument. All the while, my heart clenches at the thought that two of my siblings are obviously willing to cause each other physical harm just because of a mess that is very much my fault.

"Can't you two just stop fighting?" I plead with them desperately. "Please. I'm sorry for making you angry."

"This is not your fault, baby girl," Sean immediately assures me.

He is still next to me with and his hand is resting on my shoulder when he leans down and places a kiss on top of my head. Unfortunately, it doesn't do much to make me feel less anxious.

Will scoffs at Sean's affection towards me and this hurts more than it should. I really thought he helped us with our secret investigation because he believes it is the right thing to do and not because he felt obligated to do so – or more like manipulated into doing it. By me.

Maybe I was wrong all this time and that bond between us is just a figment of my imagination. Maybe he still only thinks of me as his annoying little sister. Much like Aidan, who is the only other person in my family that has ever spoken to me like this before.

"You see what you're doing? Now you're making Lily feel bad for stuff that's not even remotely her fault," Jordan growls, shaking Will again.

"Not her fault? That's a good one. Almost makes me laugh. Ha ha. Not. She was the one who couldn't let it go! It's because of her that we so relentlessly dug into you guys' past and found out about yet another one of your dirty little secrets!"

"For the last time: leave her out of this!"

"Then fuckin' grow a pair and tell us! Why did you change your name?"

"Apologize to her for being an asshole!" Jordan demands, completely ignoring Will's repeated question.

"Why are you no longer Jordan Johansen?"

He just won't give up.

"I told you to let it go!" Jordan roars.

"Just tell us why!"

"Shut up!"

"I will if you tell us the truth!"

"Will!" Sean shouts.

"Tell us!"

"Shut up!"

Jordan has again grabbed Will by the collar of his shirt and his holding him up so that their noses are almost touching.

"It's really late and our emotions are all over the place. We should go and try to get some sleep before we have to face what is going to be another very tough day," Sean suggests when nobody else says anything and the two fighting siblings just glare challengingly at each other. "And before you start arguing again, Will, I promise that I will make sure that we talk to you kids as soon as this is over."

"Yet another fucking lie," Will rudely dismisses Sean's promise.

"That's enough out of you!" Jordan shouts really loudly.

"Fucking own up to it, tell the truth and you'll never hear another word out of me again!"

"There's nothing to tell you!"

"Jordan...," Sean tries to placate his older brother.

But the other two are already back to yelling at each other, not paying any mind to Sean's attempts at playing peacemaker.

I wish my feet weren't still rooted to the floor, because I sense that things are going to get ugly any second now and I want to be far away when that happens. The tension in the room is almost unbearable.

"Stop lying!"

"Stop pushing!"

"Not until you tell us the truth!"

"You can't handle the truth!"

Woah!

A cold shiver runs down my spine at this statement. This is the first time that Jordan so much as admits that they have been lying to us. Or at least keeping things from us. Which we obviously all knew and the new evidence that Will found a couple of days ago clearly points to that. But it is still kind of remarkable that he said that.

"Try me," Will challenges our brother.

"No! For the last damn time: I don't owe you anything! Not an explanation, not what you call the truth, nor an apology! You don't get to tell me what to do! Not when all we have been doing for these past thirteen years is doing anything within our power to you keep you kids safe!"

If Jordan's yelling was loud before, the volume of his voice right now is almost making the walls of our house shake. Not allowing myself to process what he just said, I act upon instinct when my mind turns to the other people that I care about.

"Stop fighting and yelling!" I order firmly, taking advantage of the silence that has taken hold of the living room after Jordan's outburst. "You're waking up Alex and the twins."

"Alex isn't here, baby," Jordan immediately replies in a surprisingly calm voice.

He turns to look at me while roughly pushing Will away, causing him to stumble backwards and awkwardly landing on the sofa he occupied before. But I barely register how he treats Will, focusing on what he said instead.

Alex isn't here?

This is clearly news to me – unexpected and most unsettling news.

When did he leave?

He was definitely here when I went to bed. I checked on him in his room because he hadn't come out from there after he went to take a shower when he got home from work. That is what he has been doing a lot since it happened. Hiding away in his room, if he is not hiding away at work. Like he's avoiding us. At first, I thought that he can't stand the sight of us because we remind him of the brother he lost. But then I realized that he might be keeping his distance so that we don't have to witness just how broken he is from losing another siblings.

But why did he leave the night before Sam's memorial?

He was surprisingly acceptable of my goodnight hug and even gave me an extra cuddle, telling me that it would be okay. I believe he meant the memorial service, because that is what has been on everybody's mind all day. Nobody really said anything about it though, but you don't have to be a genius to figure out that this was the reason for the even darker atmosphere in the house yesterday.

As much as I feared that we might have woken Alex up with all the fighting and yelling, now knowing that he is not even here leaves me with a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. I am not very used to him not being home, if you don't count his irregular night shifts, the trip he took with Sean not even two weeks ago – or the night where he stormed out because we were such a disappointment to him because we left the mall without permission.

Where did he even go?

"Josh invited him to stay at his place tonight," Sean explains.

Can he read my mind or did I ask that question out loud?

Shaking my head to regain control over my dizzying thoughts, I look at him, expecting more information.

"They went out to have a couple of beers to hopefully take his mind off things for a few hours – and to allow him to get some much needed rest tonight before, well, umm, tomorrow... you know...," Jordan says a bit awkwardly.

Despite finding it nice of Josh to try and distract and support our big brother, I am feeling quite apprehensive about the fact that Alex has left us just to go out for drinks. That is very unlike him and I really don't understand why he would choose to do that on the night before Sam's memorial service. He could have done that days ago, if it meant that it would do him good. It's not like he's only just started to act distressed yesterday.

"He didn't want to go but we very much encouraged him," Sean adds, once again kind of creeping me out with his ability to read my thoughts so well.

"Why?" I whisper, feeling confused and – abandoned?

"We were hoping it would at least slightly relax him. He has been on edge and barely caught more than an hour or two of sleep ever since the accident. We don't need him to collapse tomorrow during the service."

We are all suffering and our emotions are definitely all over the place and of course Alex's uncharacteristic behavior has been cause for concern. A shiver runs down my spine at the thought of Alex feeling so miserable that they are starting to worry about his physical wellbeing.

Maybe I should have been more insistent to stay by his side instead of letting him spend so many hours all by himself, locked up in his room, alone with his probably very sad thoughts. Surely, I would have been able to come up with something to make him feel even a tiny bit better. He has been doing that for me all my life. I should have instinctively done the same for him in return now.

I am a bad sister.

First, I don't alert anyone to the stranger at the race.

Then I leave Alex to deal with the most horrible situation all by himself.

After I witnessed how they are still grieving Sienna all these years later, it should have been logical that losing another sibling would be even more devastating for him.

"I-is he going to be okay?" I ask worriedly.

"He'll be fine eventually, sweetheart, I'm certain about that," Sean assures me with a small smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, but I still appreciate the effort.

Will huffs in the background which earns him another disapproving look from Jordan, who, although he seems to be a lot calmer now, probably still wouldn't shy away from a fight.

"How would you know?"

That is probably a very stupid question, because nobody can know what is exactly going on inside another person – Sean himself told me that more than once over the years – but I still would like to hear where he gets his confidence from.

"I've known Alex all my life and I've seen him in some of the most adverse situations. This current one is horrible, not just for him, and he is taking it very hard, I admit that. But I honestly can't think of anything that will completely knock him off his feet. He is one of the most resilient people I know – right up there with this guy here."

Sean points at Jordan when he says those last few words and if I am not mistaken, he even looks a bit sheepish at being given such credit. But I also I don't miss the pointed look that Sean throws him after so smoothly dishing out his compliment. It seems to do the trick, too, because I am surprised when Jordan suddenly takes a few steps away from Will.

He sighs heavily and runs a hand through his hair before suggesting that we should all call it a night and try and get a few hours of sleep.

I fully expect Will to protest once again and start yet another fight, but when the sound of quiet snoring reaches our ears, we know that this won't happen after all. Our intoxicated brother has passed out on the sofa during the end part of our conversation about Alex.

"I guess that means tonight's drama has finally come to an end," Jordan remarks dryly.

"I wonder how much of this he'll remember tomorrow," Sean muses.

I fix my two older brothers with a small glare.

"He was not that drunk!" I claim, unimpressed.

"Shhh, don't awaken the beast once again," Jordan grins. "Or do it after I've gone to bed. I had my share of dealing with him."

"Don't be mean," I defend Will as Sean pulls me out of the living room with Jordan right on our heels.

I don't even know why I am standing up for him after how he treated me earlier. But I can't help feeling bad for Will, despite his not so nice behavior. He was gone for almost a week and god knows what he's been up to. To me, it is clear that he is suffering just as much as all of us are, he just doesn't have a very healthy way of dealing with it. From what I've gathered over the past year, Will has always been a difficult if not so say damaged character. Of course he is going to act unusual and even offensive in such terrible circumstances.

I think my brothers should be a bit more understanding for his situation, too.

"He has been plenty mean to all of us tonight," Jordan reminds me as he drapes an arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his side. "Are you okay, kiddo?"

I lean into him and give him a quick side hug.

"I'm okay-ish... I think," I reply a bit unconvincingly.

"That sounds about right," Sean acknowledges, ruffling my hair. "This was a tough argument just now. I'm sorry that it almost got out of hand. I should have handled that better."

"Don't do that, Sean," I placate him. "You couldn't have done anything else with these two hot heads going at each other."

"He just pisses me off," Jordan mutters, still sounding a bit mad.

"J," Sean warns him.

"I guess you pissed him off, too," I courageously throw back at him. "And just for the record, I find it very annoying, too, that you guys still keep so much stuff from us. But that doesn't mean I want us to fight about it. But don't think for a minute that you're off the hook. We still want answers, but they can wait for a few more days. Josh promised me that once the memorial service is behind us, Alex might be more willing to tell us what we want to know."

"There's some stuff we'd like you guys to tell us, too," Jordan informs me. "Because how the hell did you find out about the thing with our last name?"

I unwrap his arm from around my shoulder and take a step back, staring up at him

"So you're finally admitting it?" I ask, surprised.

"Don't act as if you didn't know that it is the truth."

"Then why did you keep denying it when Will asked?"

Boys are truly confusing creatures, this is yet another example.

Why fight for what feels like hours, go back and forth, for no reason at all?

"Because I didn't like the accusation that accompanied his question – plus he was clearly out for blood. He wouldn't have stopped demanding answers if I had told him that he was right. The time is not right for this discussion. As you say, it'll have to wait until Alex is more himself again."

Jordan's unexpectedly candid reply renders me speechless, so all I can do is nod to show him that I got it.

"And now off to bed, Lily bug. It's way past your bedtime," Sean orders lightly, reaching out and taking my hand. "I'll stay with you if you think you can't fall asleep after all this commotion."

I acknowledge his suggestion with a small smile and a nod.

"Good night, J. See you in a few hours."

"Night, you guys."

Jordan waves at us and walks to the front door when suddenly something occurs to me.

"Wait. What about Will?"

"What about him?" both my brothers reply at the same time.

"We can't just leave him there, passed out on the couch."

"And why the hell not?" Jordan asks. "As you say, he's fast asleep. Nothing we can or should do about it."

"But it's uncomfortable and he's lying there, like, really awkwardly. Plus he's gonna get cold, without a blanket."

"It's summer. He's not going to freeze," Jordan adds, clearly not concerned for his brother's wellbeing.

"He'll be fine, sweetheart," Sean agrees but when he sees the look on my face, he quickly adds: "How about we go and make him more comfortable, put his feet up properly and maybe you can find that old blanket somewhere in there? The one that you use when we watch a movie and you get cold."

I nod, happy that at least someone other than me cares. I wave Jordan off and then pull Sean back into the living room.

*******

I wish this day was over already.

I wish this day would never have had to come in the first place.

I wish to be far away from here.

I don't know how much longer I can stand this. The memorial started about an hour ago and it is tough, really, incredibly tough for me not to completely break down. I want nothing more than to crawl into a hole or curl up in a small ball under my blanket in the sanctuary of my bedroom. To close myself off from the rest of the world and just sleep for a week, or a month, or however long it takes for this horrible pain of losing Sam to go away.

I'd probably have to sleep for the rest of my life for that to happen.

What confuses me most, however, is the fact that while I wish to hide away from the world I also crave my family's company more than ever before. If I could physically glue myself to one of my brothers' sides, I think I'd have done that by now.

Not every brother, of course. But some of them, like Alex, Sean or Luke. They all just naturally make me feel calmer and in better spirts when I am with them.

Today, my designated lifeline apparently is Luke. Again.

He wasn't really my first choice – I'd obviously never say that out loud – but all the others seem to have decided that there are people who need their attention more than me. I am fine with that, technically, because I don't have any rights to claim any of the guys for myself. But it is still really difficult to accept that I can't attach myself to Alex like I normally would in such horrible circumstances.

Unfortunately, he is not in a good enough place right now to look after me.

That became very clear early this morning, when we all gathered to go to the memorial service together. One look at Alex's ashen, devastated face with that faraway, heart-broken expression almost carved into it by now, and any previous idea of mine to rely on his mental or physical support flew right out the window.

Getting up at 8:30am after only a few hours of sleep was hard. But knowing what this day would bring was even harder. For the first few minutes after I woke up, I fully intended to stay in my bed, hoping against hope that my brothers would forget that I am there and just go without me. Unfortunately, Sean, who had stayed in my room as promised, saw right through me.

After he had tried to gently coax me to get up, he soon gave up being nice and patient when he had to return to my room for a third time, once he had gotten ready himself. I pretended to have fallen back asleep, thinking that this might make him go away. He had, after all, expressed before that my lack of sleep from the past week was worrying him and I intended to benefit from that.

However, Sean didn't believe for a second that I was actually sleeping again and cruelly pulled my blanket off me. When I still didn't get out of bed, he picked me up with a heavy sigh and took me straight to the bathroom, where he very unkindly deposited me in the shower. In my pajamas. With my socks on, because I always get cold feet when I am sleeping, even in summer. Everything was still dripping wet from whoever had taken a shower only minutes earlier (probably Sean himself, as his hair was still damp), which made it even worse.

I went to complain, but then I remembered what day it is and that made all my words literally get stuck in my throat. Out came only an unintelligible grumble. Sean actually laughed at me – who can laugh on the day of his own brother's memorial? – and even more cruelly told me that if I don't get a move on right that second, he wouldn't hesitate to turn the shower on. One look at him made me realize that it was not an empty threat, so I quickly shooed him out of the bathroom and rather unhappily got ready.

When I finally, very slowly, got downstairs to see where the others were – while in the shower, I had decided that hiding from my family so that I don't have to go to the memorial was not a very promising plan – I was surprised to find almost everybody in the kitchen. Even Noah, who hadn't come out of his bedroom all week, as far I as know.

And Alex.

That honestly was the most unexpected presence. I had convinced myself that we would only see him again when we got to the location of the memorial. It never occurred to me that he'd return home from Josh's in the morning before we had to leave. Seeing my big brother instantly lifted my spirits and when he gave me a small, slightly forced smile, all was forgiven. I ran up to him and gave him a big hug, which he luckily returned.

Then I noticed that the mood in the kitchen was very strange. It was the first time that all of us were together in one place ever since it happened. Nobody seemed to know what to say.

So we all kept quiet which must have been the first time ever. There is always some kind of a noise level in our home and I didn't think it would be something that I could ever miss. It is quite exhausting at times that there is always someone talking, or arguing or watching TV – or annoying his siblings. This morning, I would have given a lot to get my brothers to talk and act normal.

Everybody was clearly miserable and nobody tried to hide it, either, which also must have been a first.

Only when Will trudged into the kitchen looking like death warmed over, a bit of commotion started. As I found out, it was also the first time that most of my brothers saw him since Sam died, which caused Ben and Josh to immediately start questioning him. Will answered with his typically monosyllabic answers while he downed about two huge cups of coffee in record time.

Every now and then, he and Jordan would exchange a look that I can only describe as rather unfriendly. But thankfully, the older of the two had enough self-control for a change to not start yet another fight.

Alex payed none of that any attention. After exchanging that unexpectedly warm and affectionate hug with me, he retreated back into his shell. He just remained standing in the same spot, heavily leaning against the kitchen counters with his own cup of coffee in his hand and the meanwhile familiar vacant look in his light blue eyes. I believe I saw him tear up more than once, and each time felt like a stab to my heart.

Seeing my strong, reliable, supportive big brother so emotional and at the same time so detached from our family was very heartbreaking.

It was Ben who eventually reminded us that we needed to be ready to leave soon and that was when a bit of life returned to our group. Jack and Aidan wordlessly went back upstairs to get dressed. This was also very weird, because on a normal day, this never happens without some shoving and bullying and definitely never without shouting. It must have been a first, too.

Everybody else seemed to have come to the kitchen dressed and ready – or as ready as one can be for such an occasion. I obviously felt anything but ready for whatever was to come, but I had also accepted by then that there was no way out of this. I just kept telling myself in my head that I was doing this for Sam, and only for him. To honor his memory and such.

But that only made me feel sadder.

And then Ben had to make everything worse.

In hindsight, I know that he didn't mean it in a bad way at all, but with my nerves already frazzled and my emotions all over the place, I took it really, really badly. All he did was comment on my dress choice, saying that I couldn't possibly attend our brother's memorial wearing what I was.

Which was Sam's black hoodie that I had found on his bed in the cabin on the day he died. I had been wearing it most of the week, over my normal clothes, kind of like a protective shield, and I definitely had no intentions to stop doing that anytime soon.

Of course, this got everybody's attention, which was the last thing I wanted. I had successfully managed to stay under the radar when I successfully skipped breakfast and I was planning to continue to be invisible for the rest of this dreadful day. But he just had to put the spotlight on me. I think that made me even more upset than the fact that he questioned my chosen dress in the first place.

Long story short, after I fought him on it for a few minutes – with no support from any of the others, which made it quite clear to me that they all shared his opinion – Maya intervened and suggested that we might find something else of Sam's that I could wear. In that moment, I was very grateful for her presence because without saying anything, she had figured out how important it is for me to have something of Sam's with me at all times. As a result, she ended up skillfully braiding one of Sam's many bandanas into my hair.

Bandanas were sort of Sam's trademark item that he wore most of the time when he was doing a physical activity. As it turned out – or as Luke told us, who has been staying in their previously shared bedroom since he returned – Sam had left a few of them here when he moved out.

He regularly grew out his hair, sometimes all the way until he could put it up in a man bun, before he would cut it short again. Over the years, I have gotten used to seeing Sam with all kinds of different hairstyles. I always thought it suited him when he wore it a bit longer. It made him look like some sort of adventure type guy and I liked it a lot when he wore a bandana to keep the hair out of his face when being active.

To replace the black hoodie, and to emphasize the tragedy of today, I chose a black bandana to go with the dark blue, just above my knee skater skirt and the black, slightly oversized t-shirt that I put on with it (I think I stole that from Noah a while ago). The skirt I only chose to wear because Sam always had nice things to say to me on the very few occasions I did wear anything other than shorts, jeans or leggings. I know he would have liked my clothes and that made me feel a bit less guilty about abandoning his hoodie for the day.

Now, almost two hours later, I couldn't care less about what I am wearing or whether I was upset with Ben because he thought he had to comment on my clothes. Instead, I am way too busy trying to keep it together and not freak out in front of the almost three hundred people who have gathered to say goodbye to my brother.

That is an estimated number curtesy of Luke, who claimed to have done the math by counting rows and the number of seats in each row and then multiplying that, or something. He told me that at the beginning of the service because he probably realized that I was about to have a little meltdown. So he tried to distract me with random information, which worked surprisingly well.

All in all, Luke has been amazing and he is still doing a great job now, one hour later. Not for the first time, either, since he already took care of me and my emotional breakdowns at the cabin that day.

However, I would still have preferred to be comforted by Alex. My oldest brother has been my rock all throughout my life. But clearly, he can't be it today. Instead, he needs his own rock and I am doubtful that this is me, so I am trying to leave him alone.

"It's over soon, honey. You're doing so great," Luke whispers in my ear and squeezes my hand.

I sniffle and try really hard to stop the tears from flowing. I had told myself that I wouldn't cry during the service because I had cried enough in the past week to last me a lifetime. That plan turned out to be as futile as the one about hiding until the day is over. The moment I saw how many people showed up to remember my brother, all of them looking very sad and overwhelmed, the first tears already came out. And it only got worse when I encountered my friends.

Jayden and Gracie were both crying, too, when we shared a very long, emotional group hug. Today is the first time I met them since it happened. I had wanted to tell them myself but I didn't know how to do it, so eventually, Sean stepped in and did it for me. He first called their parents and informed them about what happened to Sam and then he went to their houses and spoke to both of my friends in person. I think he explained to them that it was too difficult for me to talk to them.

He returned with a card from each of them but they are both still sitting unopened on my desk. Reading these cards – I know they will be very sweet and supportive and at the same time very heartbreaking – will make it all way too real and I am not yet ready for that.

This memorial service is also a bit too real for me.

There is this really big photo of Sam right in front of the huge hall, surrounded by hundreds, probably even thousands of flowers. He looks incredibly handsome on the picture. His skin is sun-kissed and his dark blonde hair is quite long, flying everywhere. It must have been windy when it was taken. There is this very mischievous glint in his light blue eyes which only ever came out when he was truly excited. He must have been on one of the millions of hikes he did in his lifetime. There is an incredibly blue sky and even some snow-covered peaks in the background. Sam looks happy and healthy and I wish I could just crawl into the picture and hold him tight. Forever.

Luckily, there is no coffin. I don't think I could have dealt with that at all.

Sam's body has already been cremated. Sean explained this to me the other day when I asked him about it. They didn't bring the urn here, which I am grateful for. That sight might have shattered my heart into even tinier pieces. Apparently, we are still trying to figure out what to do with his ashes, but I try not to think about that, either. If I have any part to play in whatever my brothers are planning, I will start dwelling on it then, not now.

Another old college friend of Sam's steps to the front of the crowd to share some memories and I automatically tune him out. I have done that for most of the past few speeches already. It hurts too much to listen to all their stories about the good times they had with my brother.

Listening to Josh's words was difficult enough. His and Hannah's father's speech were the only ones I forced myself to fully listen to. The others, I tuned in and out of.

Josh was the first person to go up there and speak. It should have been Alex, Luke told me, but Josh overruled him. Looking at Alex when his younger brother told everyone how Sam was such an important part of our family, I could tell that he was feeling very guilty that he couldn't do it himself. I am glad that Josh stepped up to take this responsibility. Although he choked up a few times, he did a marvelous job and I am proud of him. The way he spoke about Sam was not only very sad but also heartwarming, comforting and at times surprisingly funny, too.

That is something that I have noticed about this service. Even if the occasion is very tragic, people seem to make it their mission to keep everything as upbeat as possible. At first, I thought it weird and inappropriate when some of the speeches elicited a few chuckles and laughs here and there, but it also feels strangely comforting to hear them recount funny moments from Sam's life.

Hannah's father spoke on behalf of his daughter because, just like Alex, she seems to be in no state to stand in front of people and reflect on her fiancé's life. I totally understand that because even if I had wanted to – which never occurred to me, of course – I couldn't have done it, either. I have only gotten a brief glimpse of Hannah before she was escorted to a chair that is located where I can't see her without turning around awkwardly.

Hannah looks even worse than Alex, as far as I can tell since she is wearing huge black sunglasses that are covering half her face. She walked almost hunched over with her head down, only looking at her feet while being supported by Erin, her sister-in-law, and who I assume is her brother. I really wanted to go and hug her, but at the same time I have been so afraid of that encounter ever since I last saw her.

Maybe I'll get to speak to her later. If I am brave enough.

"Will you be okay if I leave you for a few minutes, honey?" Luke suddenly asks, startling me out of my thoughts.

I blink a few times and realize that the guy who has been talking is about to wrap it up. When I look at Luke, he motions towards the side of the front part and I notice for the first time that a small area has been set up with musical equipment. There is only a chair and a guitar standing next to it – and a piano. Luke's Norwegian band mate with the name I keep forgetting is sitting behind it, a somber expression on his face.

"A-are you going to...," I whisper back, not able to finish my question because I am so surprised by what I am seeing.

Luke confirms this.

"I'll be right back. Just stay with Ben, he'll take care of you," he assures me.

As if to emphasize his words, he pushes my chair a bit to the left until its legs touch those of the next chair, which is where Ben is sitting. He turns to look at me and gives me a small smile before wrapping his arm around my shoulder, allowing me to lean into him. I instantly relax against him and cuddle closer.

It is still not Alex, but being in Ben's embrace is comforting, too. Maybe it is selfish of me to feel as abandoned as I did ever since we arrived at the service. The fact that my rock, Alex, needs to be looked after instead of him looking after me just left me kind of unsettled. Josh has taken it upon him to stick to his side, together with Tom, who in turn seems to be making sure that his fiancé is doing okay.

Jordan is completely focused on Aidan today, which I guess is a good thing, since none of my brothers seem to know how he is going to react to today.

Noah is totally beside himself, as was to be expected, so Sean is taking care of him. I would have wanted Sean to be with me, if I couldn't have Alex, but I understand that his skills when it comes to taking care of people who are struggling emotionally are probably more useful with my youngest brother.

Jack and Nora have been inseparable, the same with Ben and Maya. And Will has been staying by Jack's side ever since we left the house, too. I guess that is his protective side that we don't get to see very often but that is very prominent when it comes to his only full sibling.

Which is why Luke was forced to stick with me. And I am really grateful for him.

"You okay?" Ben asks me quietly.

I just nod into his shoulder and watch the small commotion that has started when Luke walked to the front and got ready to play some music. His courage is impressive. I could never do that. Before I can start to wonder what song he chose to perform, his surprisingly strong voice catches mine and everyone's attention.

"Some of you may know that, sadly, Sam isn't the first member of this family that we have lost. This is for you, Mom. For you, Sienna. And for you, Sam. Please take care of each other, wherever you are now. We love you guys, and we miss you all greatly."

Then he starts to play that song that he first introduced me to when we were sitting in Sam's car on top of the cliffs, watching the city lights.

Tears in Heaven.

I can't stop the sobs from racking my body after only listening to the first few chords. If this service has been hard and almost unbearable, this must be the most heartbreaking thing ever.

Ben's hold on me gets increasingly tighter and from the way his upper body is trembling, I can tell that he is also crying. I don't have to see the rest of my family to know that this moment and the pain it represents is tearing them apart, too.

Suddenly, I can't take it anymore.

This is too much.

I am sobbing so hard that my breathing has become uneven and I am struggling to get oxygen into my lungs. Black dots are dancing in front of my swollen eyes and I feel like I am getting crushed by an invisible weight.

I need to get out of here.

I need air.

These two thoughts swirl through my head like a mantra and I can feel how I am getting really worked up. If I don't do anything right this moment, I am going to pass out.

Panicking, I shoot up and wriggle out of Ben's embrace. My mind is a jumbled mess and all I can focus on is getting fresh air so, without really thinking about what I am doing, I jump off my chair. Taking advantage of the fact that Luke vacated the seat at the very end of our row, I run. Ben doesn't even have a chance to react, I am so quick.

Only a few moments later, my clammy but sweaty hands push open the side door and straight away, fresh air hits me my face. I let the door slam shut behind me and hurry towards the back of the hall where I think I saw a small park area with trees and bushes when we arrived.

Forcing oxygen into my lungs, I feel how breathing is getting gradually easier as I stumble around the outside of big building. I have not yet turned the corner when I hear the sound of the door slam shut once again.

Is one of my brothers following me?

I hope not. I want to be alone right now.

Curl up in a ball and cry my heart out at the unfairness of it all.

Let it all out, unashamedly.

Drown in misery and maybe even feel a bit sorry for myself.

Without witnesses and without anyone trying to comfort me while they are struggling themselves to control their emotions.

And once I am done, I will return to my family and then I can hopefully be the one to comfort them. Be their rock for a change.

Yes, that sounds like a solid plan to me.

I hear quick footsteps behind me and my heart sinks. This plan is about to go bust if they find me before I can hide. I pick up the pace to outrun them, although I know that I don't stand a chance against my brothers' much longer legs. That doesn't mean I won't try though.

"Tiny, wait!"

A/N - Look who's back! And I'm not talking about me but... you know who! Hopefully, this will lift poor Lily's spirits.

Awesome, if you're still here, so thanks for reading! I have not much more to say other than I hope that I made you happy with this update. The world is slowly turning to shambles and all the sadness and suffering is leaving me kind of speechless, not to mention feeling helpless. Please take care of yourself and be kind to the people around you. To everybody.