Chapter 17 - Goodbyes

I watch the sun slowly setting over the ocean.

A cool breeze causes me to shiver slightly and I pull my shoulders up, hoping to keep myself warm. It is mid-July and the summer nights are comfortably mild. However, sitting at the beach, one is kind of exposed to the elements, I guess.

It will only be a few more minutes until the sun meets the horizon and then the ocean will swallow it up. It is a beautiful sight, one that normally makes me happy when I get to witness it.

Tonight, however, these positive feelings are dampened.

Ever since this horrible thing happened to Sam, the sun reminds me of him. And the fact that the reception for his memorial is still in full swing certainly does not help me feel even slightly light-hearted right now.

My brothers have organized a beautiful location for us to celebrate Sam and everything he represented when he was still alive. They somehow managed to exclusively rent out this beach shack that has been a permanent fixture at our favorite beach for as long as I can remember. My family regularly visits it when we're spending a day at the ocean – or used to visit it, is probably more accurate, since we haven't been here since last summer.

The last time I have been here was last year, when my life was still normal. Boring. Average.

Being here now feels weird but at the same time also comforting, because of its familiarity. Some of my happiest memories with Sam include this part of our local beach. I assume the same goes for my siblings, since they chose to come here.

A sigh escapes me when the sun touches down on the water.

The breeze picks up again and a few lose strands of my hair whip around my face. I push them back but it is to no avail. I should probably redo my hair, but I don't want to unbraid it after Maya put so much effort into braiding Sam's old bandana into it. It doesn't feel right to change anything about that just yet.

In the background, I can hear the chatter of people and the very distant sound of music. The last time I checked, the previously pretty big crowd that gathered here for drinks and some food after the service has dispersed. Apart from my family, including the girlfriends and Tom, there are only a few others left. Maybe twenty or thirty people in total.

My friends have gone home about half an hour ago, too. That was when I decided that I needed a bit of time to myself and slipped away to sit on the beach and just stare out at the ocean. But I made sure to stay within sight as to not scare or upset my brothers unnecessarily.

So far, nobody has bothered me and I am grateful for that. They seem to understand that today has been a bit much and they allow me some space, which I appreciate.

The orange glow of the setting sun is quite mesmerizing. There are a few very small clouds in the sky and they have turned into specks of bright red, like the sun is setting them on fire. It seems as if the breeze absorbs the color and becomes warmer, too. My heartbeat picks up as I slightly lean into the imaginary, comforting hug that nature is offering me so generously.

Then I hold my breath as the sun turns into a small sliver of light just above the horizon before it completely disappears from sight.

Good night, Sam, I'll see you tomorrow.

Suddenly, I feel a presence behind me.

I don't turn around but pretend that I didn't hear anything because I would rather stay on my own for a bit longer. That doesn't seem to do the trick though. The person lowers themselves next to me and a second later, a soft fabric is being placed around my shoulder. I catch a whiff of female fragrance and immediately know who it is.

Hannah.

If my heartbeat has picked up at nature's spectacle before, it is nothing compared to how said heart is now hammering inside my chest.

I haven't spoken to Hannah ever since the unspeakable happened.

What am I going to do?

How should I react?

I have no idea what to say to her.

What do you even say to someone who has lost their fiancé?

We just quietly sit next to each other for a few minutes and, surprisingly, it doesn't feel weird or uncomfortable at all and my heartrate gradually slows again. I pull the cardigan that Hannah put around my shoulders closer around me, glad for the warmth it provides. It must be hers because I don't remember bringing anything to wear over my t-shirt. It is summer, after all. I didn't think I'd need additional clothing.

"How are you coping, Lily?" Hannah is the first to break the silence.

I instantly stiffen, not quite ready to start up a conversation with her. But I guess I can't put it off much longer. I feel bad enough for not trying to talk to her earlier. I could have called her, or at least sent her a text, to see how she is doing.

But I was too much of a coward.

Then I remember that she didn't contact me, either. Maybe she also didn't know what to say to me. Even if Sam was the love of her life – that's what he should have been, considering they wanted to get married, right? – it doesn't mean that losing him is so much harder for her than it is for me. I have lost a sibling that I loved very much. Surely, that hurts just as badly.

So, we are probably in the same boat. And I should be happy that she is braver than me, because she came to talk to me before I found the courage to go to her.

"I dunno," I reply reluctantly and add a shrug to emphasize my uncertainty.

How do I cope?

Is what I am doing even called coping?

I haven't really thought about how I am doing or feeling, precisely. I have just somehow gotten through the past few days without consciously realizing what I am doing. I've been dragged along, I guess, by a lot of things that I can't control. Acting on instinct, reacting to whatever my brothers are asking me to do. Getting on with it and trying to help my siblings along the way. With my limited resources and abilities, that is.

It has all been a bit of a blur, that past week, now that I think about it.

For example, whenever I go to bed, I can't seem to fall asleep because my brain keeps conjuring up images of that dreadful day on the mountain, the interview at the police station, the devastated expressions on my brothers' faces, and so on. Like a movie on an endless, exhausting loop. But then, somehow, I think I do fall asleep because otherwise I wouldn't startle awake at regular intervals. And time seems to pass rather quickly, too, which surely it wouldn't if I never slept.

I wonder what it would be like if this wasn't our summer holidays, too.

Would I have to go to school?

Would I even want to go to school?

Maybe sitting in classes would be a welcome distraction. Although I doubt that I'd be able to concentrate on anything my teachers would be telling us. I'd have to copy all the notes from my friends. But at least I could spend lunch break with them. They'd surely be able to put my mind onto other things, what with all the teenage drama that usually engulfs us when we're at school.

Mealtimes at home are the opposite of fun right now.

Apart from the fact that I never seem to have an appetite anymore – unless sweet treats are involved – which always leads to arguments with Ben or Jordan, the atmosphere at the dining table has been very somber lately and is the opposite of comfortable. We just sit there, shovel food into our mouths while we stare ahead, avoiding eye contact at all cost and just trying to get through the motions of this being normal. It is even worse when one of the older ones forces a conversation that dies down after only a few half-hearted questions followed by one-syllable answers by the few of us who are even attending dinner.

Alex hasn't joined us for a meal since it happened. He is either not home to begin with, or he is hiding in his bedroom.

The same with Noah, who pretty much refuses to leave his room at all. He sometimes even locks Aidan out and the poor guy had to bunk with Luke a couple of nights, I think.

"It's hard, I know," Hannah remarks, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I notice how husky her voice sounds. But it is strangely firm, too. She doesn't sound half as broken as she appeared to be when I saw her walk into the hall where the memorial service took place, flanked by her brother and her sister-in-law.

"How... how are you?" I ask.

Returning the question is the least I can do, since she already took the first step and came to talk to me, even if this conversation makes me feel a bit awkward. But I genuinely want to know, even if it means bracing myself for an inevitably devastating reply.

"Taking one day at a time, I guess. Trying to keep myself busy to not think about it all the damn time."

Hearing her curse throws me off a bit because it doesn't suit the sweet person that I know Hannah is. She almost sounds a bit angry. But I reckon that's better than drowning in utter sadness. Maybe that's kind of the next step in mourning, or something.

I probably should do that, too. Not the cursing – although it does feel liberating at times, I have to admit – but the keeping myself occupied thing. Instead, I seem to be floating from day to day without a real concept of time and no purpose whatsoever. I never seem to have any plans at all, not even about what I am going to do in five minutes. That's clearly the opposite of keeping busy.

"I miss him so much," I suddenly choke out and instantly want to take it back.

I don't even know what came over me to blurt it out like this. The last person I should be burdening with my pain is poor Hannah, who is suffering so much already.

"Oh, darling, I know you do."

Hannah pulls me into a sideway hug and I automatically wrap my arms around her middle, leaning heavily into her. The tears that I thought I had successfully locked away after that emotional talk with my friends, are back.

"I miss Sam very much, too, Lily. Every minute, every second of my day. But that's okay. That's good. He deserves to be missed like this. That pain in your chest that you feel whenever you think of him, the feeling that your heart is about to explode from pure agony, that is what proves just how much we loved Sam. It is difficult to deal with, I know, but it is also a privilege that we had someone in our lives that meant so much to us, don't you think? We should cherish the love we have for him and instead of being sad and depressed, it should make us happy. Really happy. I know it's hard, sweetie, very hard, but I am confident that it'll get better and more bearable with time," Hannah claims as she comfortingly strokes my hair.

Sean has said something similar to me. That it will get better as time passes. That you start to get used to it and that the pain will gradually move into the background. I really hope that the two of them are right about that. At the moment, it doesn't seem likely.

"I hope so," I whisper. "It doesn't feel like it will ever get easier though."

"It's only been a week. We're still trying to get over the first shock. We need to navigate through life now without Sam being in it. Well, I mean, not in it as a person we can lean onto or ask to do stuff with us. Of course, he'll always be in it, somehow. Just different. And adjusting to that takes time."

"It must be so much harder for you, Hannah. You lived together."

"It's only been half a year since we moved in together. You've had him around you way longer than I did," she reminds me kindly.

I guess she's right about that. But honestly, although it always upsets me when one of my brothers moves out of our family home, things realistically never change that much if they do. There's so many of us that it doesn't make a big difference not to have all of them around. And since they tend to stay in town, they come over a lot, mainly for food.

However, Hannah is all alone now, in her apartment. That must be horrible. I don't think I could live all by myself. It would scare me.

"It must still be weird, without him...," I mutter, not quite ready to let it go.

I picture her sitting alone in their apartment, staring at the walls and being sad because she misses Sam so much. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. I sincerely hope I'll never have to go through something as horrible as this when I am an adult. Losing the one person I choose to spend my life with. It's hard enough as part of our large family. Having to go home alone, knowing that your other half will never return, is surely devastating.

"Oh, believe me, it is. Every little thing in our apartment reminds me of Sam and these memories are painful. But, as I said, they're also nice, in a way. Because Sam was a great person and he should be remembered as vividly as possible."

As if on cue, both our heads turn behind us where everyone is gathered. Although we can't hear what they are talking about, I am almost certain that they are sharing memories of their time together with Sam. It has been going on ever since we left the memorial service.

"They're still telling stories", Hannah confirms my thoughts.

"A lot of people seem to know Sam," I remark randomly.

She chuckles at that and nods, tightening her hold on me.

"Oh yes, your brother was a people's person if there's ever been one. He was so active with all the sports he played and he had so many interests, what with being a skiing instructor and a wilderness guide, and all that on top of his regular career. Sam encountered a lot of people along the way and it was always so easy for him to make new friends. He loved meeting new people, and, I don't know, collecting friends and acquaintances, in a way?"

She chuckles at her own description of Sam's personality.

"I think it's nice," I whisper and add: "That they're sharing all these stories with us. There's so much I don't even know about him."

The double meaning of what I just said only hits me when I replay the words in my head.

Oh yes, there is definitely a lot that I didn't and still don't know about Sam.

Just like it is the case with all of my brothers.

Does Hannah know that Sam used to have a different last name?

For a minute, I consider asking her, but then I decide against it. There is no point in confusing her with this new piece of information if she doesn't know already. It would be cruel. Because, if Hannah's train of thought were anything like mine, it would most likely make her question if she even knew the person she was engaged to. I don't want to be responsible for hurting her more. It's not worth it.

This automatically brings me to the next question. Whether she knows that Sam's "accident" wasn't an accident at all.

Of course she does, you idiot.

Hannah was right there with me. She is the only other person – that I know of, at least – who saw exactly what happened and how Sam died. This horrible experience will probably connect us for the rest of our lives.

I wonder if she also sees these images in her head on a constant loop whenever she closes her eyes. I want to ask her that, too, but at the same time I don't. This is confusing as hell. Maybe she'll think I'm crazy or something, for having all these thoughts and issues, or whatever. She might even tell my brothers and that is definitely the last thing I'd want. There is no need to burden them with my stupid problems, on top of everything else.

Although I am very glad that she came over to talk to me, since I didn't have the guts to approach her, her presence is now dredging up all these negative thoughts and feelings that I had somewhat successfully pushed to the back of my mind during the past few hours. Being around Hannah is suddenly not very comforting anymore. I remove myself from the loose hold she still has on me and put a bit of distance between us.

"I... I should go and see what the others are doing," I say quietly, hoping that she doesn't notice my mood change.

I don't want to offend her since she hasn't done anything to me other than being nice. It's just that this – having a conversation with her and acting as if things are sort of okay when they're really not – is harder than I expected. We are both hurting a lot and although it is comforting to know that the person sitting next to me can relate to what I am going through the most, it doesn't give me the peace of mind that I was hoping for.

"Yeah, I should be going, too. We were about to leave," Hannah replies.

We both scramble to our feet and then just stand there, not really sure what to do next. I wonder if I should hug her goodbye, since she said she was leaving.

Burying my bare feet in warm sand, I awkwardly shuffle around a bit. This feels so wrong. I never before had a problem being around Hannah. She has been part of my life for more than three years now and I've never felt weird around her. She is such a kind, welcoming person. She would have made the perfect sister-in-law.

I clear my throat and decide to put an end to this awkward situation.

"So, umm... bye?" I stammer like an idiot and add a small wave, already in the process of turning my back to her to walk up to the shack where everyone else is.

"Lily, wait!"

Hannah's cool fingers wrap around my wrist, effectively stopping me from walking away. I look back at her, wondering what this is about.

"I actually came to say goodbye." She pauses, having noticed my confused expression, swallows hard and then continues: "I mean, a proper goodbye, not just goodnight for now."

I furrow my eyebrows at this cryptic and somewhat unsettling statement.

What does she mean?

Like, goodbye forever?

My stomach turns into a knot.

Does she not want to see me anymore after this?

But before my mind can come up with a gazillion of reasons why she might want to abandon me, Hannah interrupts my thought process.

"I decided to move back home. To Colorado, that is. To be with my family. I just... I can't..." Her voice breaks and when I see the tears trickling down her cheeks, so does my heart.

Instantly, all the weird, negative emotions that engulfed me only a few minutes ago disappear into thin air. I throw myself at her and give her the biggest, most sincere hug that I have to offer. Hannah returns it and this time, it feels completely right to be in her embrace and to be close to her. We both start crying and that is strangely liberating.

A minute or so later, we let go of each other and I take a step back to look up at her. She offers me a small smile and somewhat sheepishly wipes the remaining tears away.

"Sorry for getting emotional. I just wanted you to hear it from me, not from your brothers. I think it is the best decision for me right now. But that doesn't mean that it is easy for me to just up and leave my old life here behind. That, of course, includes you and your awesome family, Lily," she explains passionately. "I'll miss you so very much."

"I'll miss you, too, Hannah," I replay as more tears trickle down my cheeks when the reality of her leaving starts to slowly sink in.

"W-what about your apartment?" I want to know.

All of Sam's things are still there. All the stuff that he took with him from our house when he left, that is. I assume there must be a ton of personal things that he has at their shared place, even if the furniture and that kind of items probably belong to Hannah, mostly. Since she already had the place before Sam moved in with her.

I can't imagine that he made her change anything just because he moved in with her. He isn't – wasn't – the kind of person to care very much about the latest designs and things. And I don't see him voluntarily going to a furniture place to shop for new stuff. None of my brothers like shopping very much, maybe with the exception of Josh, who is obsessed with all things nice and expensive.

But the few times I have been at Sam's and Hannah's apartment, I really liked it there. It is contemporary yet cozy, with just one bedroom, a very modern kitchen and a cute balcony overlooking the nearby park. And they have some really nice pieces of furniture, including a cool pull-out couch with a super warm, fuzzy throw blanket that I was allowed to cuddle into when I stayed over for the night once.

"I'm not ready yet to sell it, so I'll most likely rent it out."

"Oh."

There is nothing more I can say. I am still trying to process this newest information and what it means. For some reason, it upsets me that new people are going to move into the place where Sam lived. Part of me, subconsciously, must have thought that I could go visit Hannah whenever I missed Sam, expecting that it would make me feel closer to my brother, spending time at his place. Or their place, more likely.

But the other part of me, the more rational one, kind of understands that staying in that apartment might be too hard for Hannah. I can't blame her for wanting to move on and not let the sad happenings dictate her life.

As long as she doesn't replace Sam anytime soon, I think I'm fine with it. However, realistically, I guess if she doesn't live here anymore, I would never find out about her moving on, either way. Which is just as well.

"Don't worry, sweetie, I'm not going to rent it out immediately. I just need to get away right now, otherwise I'll go crazy, I know that. But I'll be back in a few months to take care of everything here. Including Sam's belongings. Nothing is going to happen to them, I promise. Also, I gave Ben a key, so your family can go to the apartment whenever you want and see if there are things that you guys would like to have or keep."

Relief washes over me at her being so considerate towards our feelings. I am definitely going to miss having Hannah around. It is impressive how well she understands me and my emotions, not just now, but she always has.

It might be that infamous female influence that some of my oldest brothers are regularly mentioning is lacking in my life. As if they didn't have it in their own hands to change that, is what I usually tell them if the topic comes up, only for it to be brushed away. Unfortunately, Sam was the closest to permanently bring said much needed femininity into your family.

Only for it all to be brutally destroyed by the stranger.

A wave of anger washes over me at the thought of that horrible, evil guy.

This is so unfair!

With his despicable actions, he didn't just end my brother's life. No, he changed so many things because of it, too. Like Hannah leaving. Not to mention how it affects our family. I doubt we'll be back to our previous lives anytime soon. Probably never. He destroyed so much and now thinking about it so clearly, it makes me very angry.

I wish I had the means to make his life hell, too.

Shaking my head to get rid of these bad thoughts, I switch my focus back to the here and now only to find Hannah looking at me questioningly. She must have noticed that I was somewhere else with my thoughts just now. I give her a small, hopefully reassuring smile.

"That's very nice. Thank you," I say sincerely. "I'd really like to go to your place and maybe get a thing or two that belonged to Sam. Stuff to remember him by."

I wonder if she noticed yet that I stole his hoodie, but I kind of doubt it. She was most likely too preoccupied. A missing piece of clothing will not have drawn her attention.

"You do that. It's the least I can do. – Oh, and please promise me that you'll call me whenever you fancy a girl talk or need any sort of advice that you might not want to seek from your brothers, okay? I am always here for you. Well, a phone call away, that is."

This makes me smile, despite everything. I nod, knowing that I will definitely take her up on this. The only other older girls that I know and would probably be okay to talk to me about any girl topics are Nora and Maya.

The latter is not exactly a viable option for very personal questions. She is still my teacher, after all. No matter how nice and caring she is, there is a limit to what I am willing to share with Maya. And Nora will be moving to Hawai'i soon. So, maybe having Hannah on speed-dial will turn out to be a good thing.

"I'll remember that. Thanks, Hannah. And you can always call me, too. I don't know, I mean, if you want to talk about Sam, or something..." I offer, feeling a bit shy when I do.

I mean, why would a grown-up woman want to talk to me, who is not even a teenager yet. She doesn't need me or my advice. But maybe, for some reason, it might be a nice for her to have someone else to talk to. Someone who knows Sam just as well as she does.

"I'd love that, sweetie."

"I think it's very important that we talk about Sam whenever we feel like it," I add as a way of explanation. "Has he ever talked to you about Sienna?"

I go out on a limb here because I have no idea how forthcoming my brothers are with people outside our family when it comes to the secret that they kept for so many years. Not like they are very open with us "insiders", either, but at least they are trying whenever I ask them questions about that part of their past.

Then I remember that Hannah was with us at the cabin last Christmas when I gifted my brothers with the photo frames. So she certainly knows quite a bit about Sienna.

"Oh yes, he did, once the cat was out of the bag, so to say. And I agree with you. Talking about people that have played a big part in your life and that you've lost is the best way to keep their memories alive and to honor them. Sam once told me, after the first shock and a bit of apprehension about how to approach this, that he was relieved that you found out about Sienna and that he could finally talk about her. He told me a lot of great stories about their childhood and I believe it helped some of his old scars heal a bit more."

My heart jumps Hannah's words. I am happy to hear that me digging in my family's past has not only brought bad stuff to the surface but actually helped my brothers in a way, too. And hearing stories about Sam is something I cherish very much, so I can relate to how much relief he must have felt to finally talk openly about his older sister and the time they had together. I vow to call Hannah regularly, because I am sure I can still learn a lot of new things about Sam, too, if I talk to her.

"I'm going to miss you," I repeat what I said earlier.

Hannah agrees with me and puts an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into her side as we start to slowly make our way back to the others. When we are only a few yards away, she hugs me once again and tells me to take care.

We are just about to part ways when Ben walks up to us.

"There you are," he says, looking first at me and then focusing on Hannah. "Before you leave, Luke has something he'd like to share with you."

That sounds mysterious to me and it certainly piques my interest.

"What is it?" I ask curiously.

Ben chuckles and tugs me under his arm to squeeze me against him while ruffling my hair, telling me to stop being so noisy and that this is about Hannah, not me.

He seems surprisingly relaxed. The mood in the shack must have improved a lot since I left, if the noise level and the laughter are anything to go by. I wonder how many drinks the guys have meanwhile had "to celebrate Sam", as they said when I questioned their motives earlier. I swat my brother's hand away and duck out from his hold.

My eyes land on Alex, who is sitting in a corner next to Tom a few feet away from where most of the others are gathered. He looks slightly better, which is a huge relief. The dark circles under his eyes are still prominently visible but his cheeks, while hollow, are not quite as pale anymore as before. There is a healthier tint to them, I think.

He catches me staring at him and his lips turn upwards into a half smile, which literally means the world to me. We have barely spent more than a few minutes in each other's company since we left the cabin and I can't help wondering if Alex is actively avoiding me.

I couldn't blame him, really, since I still feel kind of responsible for what happened to Sam, no matter if they tell me that it is not true. I couldn't stand to be in my presence, either, if I were the head of our family and had to deal with the fallout of this mess – on top of keeping a ton of secrets from us younger ones.

I give him a smile, too, and add a little wave which he acknowledges by returning it. A huge weight lifts off my shoulder at this small gesture. Maybe things are looking up and this day that I dreaded so much might even be an important turning point, just as Sean had predicted.

I contemplate going up to Alex to give him a hug but when I catch Ben's next words, I know that this will have to wait.

"Luke wasn't sure if this is the right time and place for it, but we convinced him that it'll be fine. Come with me, okay?"

"Can I come, too?" I plead.

"Of course, sweetie," Hannah invites me along.

She sounds a bit apprehensive and I can't blame her. My brother is acting very mysterious.

I hesitate and look up at Ben to get his approval before I go with them. Maybe this is something very personal and I shouldn't be there. He nods and ushers us towards the small crowd that has gathered near the bar. This is when I notice that Luke is sitting on a bar stool, holding his guitar in his lap. It looks like he has been playing for a while. I heard some music when I was down by the beach but I didn't realize that it didn't come from the music system.

Most of my brothers and some of their and Sam's friends as well as the remainder of Hannah's family are either standing at the bar or sitting down in a makeshift semi-circle made up from normal chairs as well as some 2- and 3-seater lounge-style beach sofas. There are two rows and it looks almost a bit like a mini concert setup.

To my right, beside Luke, but a bit more in the background, I can see his bandmate sitting behind an electric piano. I start to get a bit excited because I love hearing Luke play. If I had known that that's what they're doing, I might have come up from the beach way earlier.

Ben leads Hannah towards one of the lounge sofas. The guy who sits there gets up to make space for her. I recognize her sister, Vicky, occupying the other half of the sofa. She immediately grabs Hannah's hand in a comforting manner. I think the person who got up to make room is her brother, but I am not entirely sure. I haven't officially met him.

I don't know where I am meant to go and I suddenly feel a bit abandoned because, after bringing Hannah to her designated seat, Ben has gone to the other side to stand next to Maya, who is leaning against the bar. She wraps her arm around his waist and he snuggles up to her, which I guess is kind of cute.

They still seem to be very much in love and I am happy for my brother. However, that doesn't solve my issue of what to do next. There are no spare seats nearby and I don't want to drag a chair over because that would attract unnecessary attention.

Someone grabbing my wrist startles me. I want to pull my arm free but then I see that it is Jack who is dragging me over to where he was sitting. Before I can protest, he pulls me to sit sideways on his lap wraps his arms around me, trapping me there and giving me no other option but to stay put. It feels oddly comforting, which surprises me.

I don't think I have sat in Jack's lap ever since I was in pre-school. And that only happened when my brothers crammed all of us younger kids into the backseat of a car so that we didn't have to take more than two cars if we all went somewhere together. It was usually Noah and me, as the smallest, who were forced sit in our next older siblings' laps. We all hated it because Aidan would always be super dramatic and complain very loudly about getting squashed. And Will took great pleasure in bugging whoever drew the short straw and had to sit with him by poking, prodding and tickling them.

"How you doing, ace? Everything okay?" Jack asks quietly, talking right into my ear as he leans slightly forward.

I nod, still wondering why he makes me sit with him.

"I thought you looked a bit lost over there and that you could do with a cuddle from your favorite brother," he explains as if reading my thoughts.

Normally, I would instantly correct him and tell him to forget that he'll ever by my favorite anything. But I am not in the mood for silly banter right now. So, I just ignore him and soak up the warmth his body is giving off. Then I remember my manners.

"How are you?" I whisper back.

"I'm feeling better than I have in the past week, if that's what you're asking. Today has been good, emotionally and mentally, as far as I'm concerned. I hope that it has had the same effect on you. And the others, of course. We could do with a bit of a break."

I inwardly agree with Jack. He must have come to the same conclusion as I did a few minutes ago when I noticed the changes not only in Ben but also in Alex. Even if they were just tiny. A step at a time, is what Sean told me. Maybe he said the same thing to my brothers, too. And if we all believe in it, it might actually work.

"What's going on, do you know?" I decide to find out.

Maybe Jack is in the loop and is willing to share, not like Ben.

"Luke has... oh, here we go. I think he's telling everyone now," he stops himself from explaining and then adds more quietly: "I hope this doesn't backfire."

"It'll be fine. She needs to hear this," Nora, who is sitting to the left of Jack and I, replies.

My body tenses as I try to figure out what she means with that. If Jack is worried that this could go wrong, that's not a good sign in my opinion.

"Hannah, hey," Luke greets her with a warm smile. "I'm glad you're joining us, because I have something for you."

He blushes slightly and my heart goes out to him. I know how much Luke dislikes to speak in front of an audience. For some inexplicable reason, he tends to get very shy when all the attention is on him. Which is kinda silly, really, considering that he wants to make it big in the music industry. I mean, I understand him because I'd hate being in the spotlight, too, but I am also not planning to make my money by performing on stage.

Luke clears his throat and I catch him make eye contact with someone in the back. I follow his line of sight and find Jordan and Josh standing side by side at the far end of the bar. Both of them are giving him encouraging nods. I'm getting more curious by the second.

"Listen... ehm... there's no easy way to say this and I really hope you won't hate me for bringing this up, even more so on a day like today, but... ehm...," my poor brother stammers as his anxiety literally engulfs the whole room as he avoids even looking at Hannah.

"It's okay, Luke, she needs to hear this. I'll be fine. Just do it," Jordan assures him.

Luke takes another deep breath and then forces himself to meet and hold Hannah's expectant gaze.

"Okay, let's do this," he gives himself a little pep-talk, making me smile, despite the tense atmosphere all around us. "Sam asked me a few months ago if I'd write a song for your wedding."

A collective gasp can be heard.

The wedding!

An ice cold fist clamps itself around my heavily beating heart. I had completely forgotten about the wedding. I quickly do the math in my head and realize that it would have taken place in exactly a week from now.

I suddenly feel sick.

I'm in two minds whether I want to kick my brother for bringing up such a sore topic – or to be in awe of his courage for doing so. Even though I want to, I don't dare looking at Hannah right now. I am convinced that she's completely shaken for being reminded of what should have been and has now so brutally been taken away from her.

Jack tightens his hold on me. I feel him trembling, too. Now I understand why Luke was so reluctant to start talking and why Jack said that he hopes this doesn't backfire. I can't imagine that this will play out smoothly. It's just too cruel, I think, to even mention it.

"Go on, it's fine," someone says, I think it's Hannah's brother.

I chance a look in their direction and find him standing right behind his sister, a hand comfortingly placed on her shoulder. Hannah is holding onto it with both her hands. The knuckles are white from squeezing it so tightly.

"I immediately wanted to refuse," Luke recalls. "I didn't think I had it in me to contribute anything unique to such an important day. What if it went wrong? I'd feel forever guilty for ruining that special day for you guys. But because I didn't want to let Sam down right there and then, I told him I'd think about it. After sleeping on it, I realized that there was no way I could turn him down. What self-respecting sibling would turn down something like this? It wouldn't feel right, I told myself. And on the plus side, that would be me settled with regards to sorting out a wedding present – because, honestly, I'm pretty useless when it comes to figuring out gifts for loved ones."

Luke's candid recollection of what went through his head and his genuine self-deprecatory humor slowly but surely manage to relax everyone in the shack. A few chuckles can be heard.

For someone who loathes to speak in front of an audience, he's sure doing a great job!

"Now, anyway, by the time I had decided to do it, I only had a couple of days left before I was leaving for Texas. So, that evening, I convinced Sam to go out for a few drinks before I dragged him to the small recording studio that my band and I use when we're working on songs while staying here. I knew that I urgently needed to pick Sam's brain to figure out what exactly he imagined this song should represent so that I could work on in while I was away. He told me that he wanted it to be a romantic song, something that expressed just how much he loves you, Hannah."

Luke pauses and sends a small, knowing smile to Sam's fiancée. She is crying but she manages to hold eye contact with him and returns a shaky smile and a nod, which I think is her signal for him to continue.

"Not gonna lie, I freaked out a bit, because that's not exactly my area of expertise or the kind of songs I usually write. Also, I totally expected this to be incredibly hard work, because, let's be honest, Sam was a lot of things, but I didn't think of him as being the most romantic soul on this planet."

A few laughs can be heard and when I look around, various people are nodding, clearly agreeing with Luke's assessment of the situation. However, I completely disagree and even consider for a moment to speak up and remind him of Sam's very romantic way of asking Hannah to marry him, what with that heart he had drawn into the snow and all the candles and stuff.

"Imagine how utterly floored I was when Sam managed to tell me in only a few, precise sentences very much to the point how he fell in love with you, Hannah, and what makes you so special to him and what he loves about you the most. That song was written in less than an hour, with Sam right there! And I am happy to say that he played a big part in it. So, basically, what I am trying to say in a super complicated way – and sorry for rambling, I just thought you should know how this came about – is, that we did end up writing and agreeing on a song for you guys' wedding in record time and I'd very much like to sing it to you now, because, well... you know."

Luke doesn't say it but everybody knows what he means. That wedding is obviously not taking place and that is another heartbreaking thing about this whole fucked-up situation.

"Is that okay? If I play the song, Hannah?" Luke asks cautiously.

"Y-yes p-please," she presses out and then adds a bit more firmly: "I'd very much love to hear it."

"Alright, let's do it. – my dear Hannah, this song is for you, from Sam who loved you so very much. I can vouch that it comes from the bottom of his heart. It's called Someone Like You."

My brother starts to play his guitar and a moment later, his slightly husky voice fills the air and immediately puts us all under his spell. It turns out to be a simple but incredibly touching song. The lyrics are straight forward and very effective. If this is what went through Sam's mind when he thought of Hannah, it is very sweet. I am so impressed.

There is a few second's silence after Luke has played the last chord. It is as if nobody dares to do anything. Hannah is the one to break it when she gets up and rushes up to my brother, throwing her arms around him. Luke almost falls off his bar stool due to the force of her embrace.

Everybody starts clapping when they realize that Hannah seems to be fine. A few people even whistle and cheer, almost as if this were a proper concert.

I watch as Hannah squeezes my brother once more and then kisses his cheek before letting go. The noise level is too high for anyone to hear what she is saying to him, but Luke looks relieved by her words and although Hannah's eyes are red-rimmed from crying, she looks quite happy.

I secretly wipe my own tears away, but I can't hide being emotional from Jack. He moves my head to rest on his shoulders and leans down, kissing my hair.

"That was nice," he states hoarsely.

"Nice? That was awesome!" I correct him at the same time as Nora exclaims: "That was the sweetest and saddest thing ever!"

"Yeah, that's what I said," Jack defends himself.

Nora huffs and nudges his shoulder.

"You can still learn a lot from your brothers in the romance department," she teases him. "But I'm glad to see that there are some romantic genes running in your family."

"That doesn't mean that all of them necessarily inherited them," I remind her.

I have no idea how romantic my brothers are, since that is obviously not something I get to witness a lot. I know that Josh is a sucker for anything that has to do with romantic gestures and I would imagine that Sean could surprise me, too, since he's all about emotions and feelings all the time. Plus he's quite a charming guy. He'd probably go to the end of the world for them if he ever found someone he fell in love with.

Probably not Jordan though, since he doesn't seem to care very much about the girls he dates or whatever you call what he does. Just picturing him doing anything romantic is rather comical. He's extremely flirty but I doubt that counts as being romantic. Will is likely a lost case, too, as it would destroy his bad boy image. And Alex and Ben seem way too practical and level-headed to do sweet and slightly silly things when being in love.

Which reminds me that Alex is likely the most hopeless case of all of my brothers when it comes to love and romance. I really need to get back on track with my plan to finding him a girlfriend. That could be a good distraction from everything upsetting that is going on right now.

"I'm plenty romantic," Jack claims, still not letting it go.

He sounds offended. Nora pecks him on the cheek but doesn't say anything and I stay quiet, too, since I really have no idea if he is or not. I don't really care either way, to be honest. As long as they're happy, that should be enough. And he does want to move to Hawai'i because of Nora, which I consider a pretty romantic gesture.

Now that Luke's big reveal is over, the shack is buzzing with voices and laughter once more. I decide stay with Jack and Nora for a bit longer.

At my question about their whereabouts, I find out from him that Sean left about an hour ago with Noah. And I spot Aidan animatedly chatting to some of the football guys that are still here. While I worry about Noah, it feels good to see that his twin seems to be in better spirits. Maybe today has been some kind of a relief for him, too, and he is ready to move on, just like I plan to do, too.

Will apparently disappeared even before that, not telling anyone where he was going. Jack bumped into him when he came back from the bathroom and asked where he was off to only to get a very unspecific reply.

Although we have been fighting and I am determined to wait for an apology from Will before I am going to speak to him again or pay him any attention at all, I can't help worrying where he has gone off to – and who he's going to hang out with. I voice my concerns to Jack, but he brushes them off, reminding me that Will has done this for as long as we can remember. He always shows up again, unharmed.

I hope he's right.

Leaning against my brother, who doesn't seem to mind that I am still there, I watch the commotion around me. Jordan and Josh have come up to Luke and Hannah and her family has joined them, too. They are talking for a bit and then exchange another round of hugs, obviously saying goodbye.

Before she leaves, Hannah turns around and scans the area until her eyes land on me. She smiles sadly at me, then makes a gesture to call her and waves. I return the smile and wave and then her family leads her over to where Alex is still in that corner with Tom. The latter appears to want to give them some privacy so he leaves to join Josh. Alex gets up and he and Hannah talk for a bit before they share an emotional hug.

A minute later, Hannah is gone, leaving me feeling strangely empty. I am happy that she has a great family that is going to look after her very well. But I hate goodbyes and they always make me sad.

My eyes trail back to Alex. I find him sitting in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees and with his face buried in his hands.

He looks devastated, making my heart ache for him.

Maybe he doesn't deal well with goodbyes either.

Or, much more likely, he just doesn't know how to deal with this latest disaster in our family.

Before I can stop myself, I untangle myself from Jack's arms and get to my feet.

"Where you going?" my brother asks somewhat absent-mindedly.

He has been in a deep conversation with Nora and a few guys that I learned were former football buddies of Sam's and that are sitting near us.

"Alex," is all I say and motion towards the corner of the shack.

Jack looks up and then nods.

"He looks like he could do with one of your cuddles, ace," he agrees and gently pushes me in the direction of our oldest brother.

I have been very apprehensive in the past week to approach Alex those few times we were even in the same room together. To me, he always looked like he would fall to pieces if I only as much as spoke to him, let alone invaded his privacy and demanded to be held.

This morning was the first time I just threw myself at him and he didn't seem to mind. I hope he won't mind now, either, because he is about to get the same treatment once again.

Determined, I weave my way past the chairs and tables that are haphazardly standing all over the space. It's a bit like an obstacle course and I try my best to suppress my clumsy inner self and not stumble into the furniture. It might draw unwanted attention.

When I finally come to stand right in front of him, Alex doesn't react. I wonder if he hasn't noticed that somebody walked up to him – or if he hopes that I will leave if he just ignores me. But I have made my mind up and he won't get rid of me so easily.

"Hey," I quietly announce my presence.

I watch as my brother rubs his face without looking up and then pushes his fingers through his dark-blond hair.

When he finally lifts his head, the pain in my heart intensifies. Alex looks so broken.

He has clearly been crying because his eyes are red and glossy. What shocks me the most is that he doesn't even seem to want to hide it. I am glad that he doesn't, because I don't think it is something to be ashamed of, but I am still not used to witnessing my big brother cry.

We look at each other for a while, both of us seemingly frozen in our movements. I watch with a heavy heart as another few tears fall from his eyes. Alex doesn't wipe them away.

He doesn't pretend to be okay and strong but lets me see his true feelings.

Biting my lip, I manage to suppress my own tears that threaten to fall and offer him a small, comforting smile. Then I close the short distance between us and wrap my arms around his neck.

Alex doesn't hug me back but just leans forward and buries his face in my shoulder and starts sobbing. I bring my hand up to his hair – the random thought of him urgently needing a haircut pops into my head – and gently massage his scalp with my fingers.

Gradually, I feel how he relaxes in my hold.

"It'll be okay, Alex. You're okay. You can do this. I'm here for you," I mutter, hoping that these words of encouragement and comfort won't miss their mark.

How many times have I been told similar things when I was sad over the years. Now it is my time to give some of that love and comfort back to my brothers.

Satisfied, I realize that I have finally and successfully taken that first important step towards being the support for my family that I so desperately want to be and that I believe they need.

They should be able to rely on me to help them through this, just like Sienna helped them when their mom died. And Sean clearly did when they lost Sienna.

I can and will be strong for them.

A/N - Go, Lily! We know you can finally be the rock your family needs. I'm strangely proud of our girl for starting to become more resilient.

If you are curious about the song that I mentioned als "Luke's song" and that inspired me to write this chapter, go on YouTube and search for "Paolo Nutini - Someone Like You" and make sure you choose a live performance of it, not the recorded version! I like the one from BBC  Radio 1 the most, followed by the "Bing Lounge" version.

Btw, I am so sorry for not replying to your comments on the last chapter. I just didn't get round to doing it and after a while I thought it was kind of moot. I am abroad at the moment, enjoying my (I think well-deserved :)) sabbatical and time literally flies. Thanks for all your messages in the chapter and also on my profile. I still obviously enjoy and very much appreciate your support for this story. I can only re-iterate what I said lots of times already: it will get finished, I promise you that. But it might take a bit of time, since writing is (unfortunately) not the only thing I'm doing in and with my life.