Chapter 3 - Empty

I shiver and cuddle a bit closer to my brother.

The sun is now very low in the sky and I have lost track of time. It feels like it has been evening for hours now, but the sun refuses to set. It refuses to let this dreadful day end. And a part of me is thankful for this. It almost feels like the sun is trying to help us by providing at least a tiny bit of brightness. I don't know how I will react once darkness engulfs us not only from the inside, but from our surroundings, too. It isn't a prospect I am looking forward to.

Luke must have noticed that I am wanting for a bit of warmth. He stops his guitar playing and wraps his right arm around my shoulders. Immediately, I soak up the heat his body provides. It is a mystery to me how he is not feeling cold. My arms and legs are covered in goosebumps and I have more than once considered going inside to either grab a blanket or a sweater.

Although it is July, evenings up on the mountain can get deceptively cold. Sam has made sure to remind me of that fact at least three times every evening since we came here.

Sam.

The thought of him almost tears me apart. However, I successfully manage to suppress the sob that is fighting to get out. I have cried enough in the past few hours to last me a lifetime, it seems. And still, it doesn't feel as if it is even remotely enough to mourn the brother who, only a few hours ago, was driving me crazy running around the house with nervous energy oozing from his every pore in anticipation of the race.

The race that sealed his fate.

I gasp as this paralyzing thought enters my brain.

Stop it, Lily!

Stop thinking like this.

I have been giving myself mental pep-talks ever since Luke explained that my oldest brothers were on their way here and that Alex is a mess. Well, he didn't say it exactly like that, but it doesn't take a genius to picture what this accident must have done to him. The last thing I want is to add to Alex's agony. So, I am preparing myself for that encounter – while at the same time I try to come up with a plan to avoid seeing him for as long as possible.

Luke must have heard my gasp because he briefly squeezes me against his side. Thankfully, he doesn't comment though. I don't really feel like talking, least of all about my tumultuous emotions. Just sitting here, in the evening's fading sun light, listening to him playing the guitar is about all I can stand. It gives me a strange kind of comfort, too.

Suddenly, my brother shuffles a bit backwards and then pulls me over his right thigh and positions me in between his legs. I feel like a rag doll at being manhandled like that, and normally, I would make my displeasure known. But I don't have the energy right now, so I just settle against him and lean back into his chest.

Luke snakes his right arm around me and with his left puts the guitar back into his lap. Well, more like my lap now, due to the position we are sitting in. Any other time, this would have been kind of awkward, but right now, I cannot be bothered to even think about it too much.

"That's better," he mutters, more to himself, and picks up playing that same song again that he has been repeating for a while.

"Hmm?" I hum, not understanding what he is referring to.

"I couldn't properly reach the strings with you sitting beside me and with my arm around your – now that I think about it – surprisingly wide shoulders," he explains. "Somebody is slowly growing up..."

His teasing is good-natured but I am not in the mood to joke around, so I just nod. I feel him place a quick kiss on top of my head and then he changes the tune. All the songs he has played so far sound familiar, but I couldn't name even one of them. They all have one thing in common though: they are incredibly sad and if I weren't trying so hard to control my emotions, I would be openly crying just listening to my brother expertly fingerpicking tune after mournful tune.

Another few minutes pass and the sun is now bathing the backyard in orange-pinkish hues. I risk a look at the small sliver of sky that is visible between the many trees of the forest and can immediately tell that this is one spectacular sunset.

The lump in my throat grows unnaturally big when my mind automatically wanders back to Sam once more. The sadness is so overwhelming that I wonder if I'll feel anything else ever again.

How can it be that the world looks so beautiful, so peaceful, when one of the most horrendous, heart-breaking things has happened only hours ago?

Shouldn't it be pouring down with rain?

Shouldn't the sky be crying for the loss of such a wonderful, kind soul?

I swallow hard, forcing down that infamous lump. I cannot allow myself to get upset again, I repeat the same mantra in my head that I have been trying to get into for the past hour or however long. To distract myself, I work up the courage to speak to Luke. I hope he won't mind me interrupting his playing.

"Luke?"

"Yeah?"

He doesn't sound annoyed, which is relief.

"Will it ever get any easier?"

I don't even know where that is coming from. It is the first thing that popped in my head and I just said it without thinking. Holding my breath, I hope I didn't upset him. He continues playing for a bit, seemingly taking forever to reply. I have to let some oxygen back into my system before I pass out, which causes me to audibly gasp again.

Maybe I shouldn't have been so straight forward. He is most likely not yet ready to have this kind of deep conversation with me. It was a bit insensitive to ask him this. Not only does it force him to think about Sam, but also about the other people he already lost in his young life.

You're such an inconsiderate person, Lily.

"It takes time. But yes, it will get easier," Luke eventually says, sounding so sincere that I cannot not believe him.

"How long?" I whisper.

"It's not a science, honey. It'll take however longer a person needs. It's only been a few hours, don't forget that. At the risk of sounding like a cheap Sean wannabe, let me try to explain what I mean," he chuckles humorlessly and clears his throat as if readying himself for what he has to say: "This is all still so very fresh, it only happened this afternoon. It's totally normal that your emotions are all over the place, Lils. I know mine are. You have to give your mind time to deal, and then to heal, so to say. It's a slow process, and also a painful one. But eventually, you'll find a way to live with this new reality. I promise."

"Like you did? When your mom died? And Sienna?"

I want to stop asking these questions, I really do, but it is as if there is this dam that broke and instead of me crying my eyes out, these hurtful things are now tumbling out of me like a waterfall. I wouldn't blame Luke if he just up and left. I am basically torturing him emotionally. But even being aware of this, I can't stop myself.

"Oh, Lily," he sighs, putting his guitar away and removing his arms from around me.

This is it – he is going to leave me.

My anxiety – this new emotion that has been so omnipresent lately – increases at lightning speed when Luke swiftly pulls his right leg back and scoots around me. My eyes are already starting to fill with tears because I expect him to get up and go inside. Or anywhere where he doesn't have to deal with me bringing back all these bad memories.

Fingers grab my chin, surprisingly gently, and they turn my face to look in Luke's direction. I find my brother now sitting cross-legged in front of me. His light blue eyes are full of compassion and there is even something like a small, encouraging smile on his lips. My heart threatens to leap out of my chest, but not out of fright. No, because of relief. The amount of love and understanding that comes off him in waves is overwhelming.

How do I deserve him?

"M'sorry," I mutter, feeling helpless and useless and stupid all at once.

"No, no, there's nothing to be sorry for. It's okay to ask questions, Lily," Luke assures me.

He lets go of my chin and grabs his guitar back, placing it in his lap. The fingers of his left hand instinctively go to the neck of the instrument and he starts tapping a silent sequence of notes. He refrains from strumming the chords with his right hand though. Almost as if he were afraid to offend me if he continued to play while I was having a conversation with him.

"Whenever it gets too overwhelming, I play music. That is my escape, my outlet. My comfort, so to speak. Or more like, my sanity," he explains quietly.

My heart is still beating pretty fast and the palms of my hands are oddly sweaty, the total opposite of the clammy feeling that has taken hold of the rest of my body. I feel like I am intruding, forcing one of my most sensitive siblings to open up to me. But at the same time, I gladly hang onto every word he says. It feels like I am in some kind of weird survival mode and any advice I receive to get me through this anxiety filled situation is a lifeline for me.

"Losing people close to you can make you feel... empty. Emotionless, even. That's how it was with me, anyway. So, I searched for something to fill up that big hole inside of me. To get rid of the paralyzing emptiness that threatened to swallow me up at times. To make me feel again. Music gave me all that, and so much more. It's where I feel whole, when... where I feel like myself. It...," he swallows hard, like he has that same lump in his throat that threatens to choke me repeatedly. "It was not easy, not at all, and it took a lot of time, but I managed to find joy again. After Sienna was gone, that is, not after my mom. I was too young to understand what was going on when she died. I hardly remember anything about that. About her."

This heart-breaking last statement literally knocks the air out of me.

"But... y-you still remember Sienna, right?"

The mere thought of forgetting about Sam, about who he was and what he meant to me, fills me with dread.

"Of course. Every single thing about her, actually, like she's still here with me."

His smile is real now, gentle and sweet. He looks deep in thought and although I want him to continue, I don't speak up. Luke needs to do this in his own time, I know that much.

"Her crooked smile. That infectious laugh of hers. The way she made me feel safe when she wrapped her arms around me and exaggeratedly swayed our bodies back and forth. How she used to ruffle my hair, knowing exactly that I hated it when she did that."

My brother swallows hard and I see his eyes turn glossy again. But that small, content smile remains plastered on his lips. It gives me hope that it isn't forced but that the memories of Sienna really make him feel good.

"And her scent. It was something special, alright. She was obsessed with those grapefruit sweets, ya know? Would eat them every day and always miraculously had them with her. Sometimes they would go all sticky inside these clear wrappers they were in, because she had them in her pocket all day long, and it was often impossible to pull all of the wrapper off. If you weren't careful – and Sienna hardly ever was, because she was not a patient person – parts of the wrapper remained stuck on the sweet and it almost made you choke when you ate it and it came off in your mouth. Anyway, because she was so obsessed with these sweets, she smelt like them, too. I don't even know where she got them from. Just always had them with her. Now, whenever I smell grapefruit – which is a bit of a random flavor, I admit – I am immediately reminded of her."

I hang onto every word that comes out of Luke's mouth. My heart swells at these wonderful memories and at how much he must have loved his big sister. I vow to do anything within my power to remember Sam just as vividly. It is the least I can do.

I will think of our best moments together and commit them to my memory. Forever.

Closing my eyes, I try to dig through my brain to come up with a few favorites but the immediate onslaught of thoughts that attack me the moment I let my mind run freely threatens to suffocate me. My eyelids fly open and I quickly search for something to focus on, needing to ground myself. I seem to be doing this a lot lately.

Luke's blue eyes are full of concern when my gaze lands on him.

"Honey, are you okay?" he asks carefully.

"I... My... I... I don't think... I think I'm different to... to you," I struggle to put my feelings into words.

"Of course you are," he chuckles lightly. "You're you. You're Lily, not Luke."

"No!" I exclaim. "That's not what I mean. How... how do you get them to shut up?"

"What are you talking about?"

Luke narrows his eyes at me, confused by my random statement. And I cannot blame him, either, because I am so very confused, too, by what is going on in my mind. It is all so much. Too much.

"My thoughts. They... there are so many! My head is complete chaos! Not the... it's not emptiness, like you explained to me. I don't feel empty at all. It's the opposite, it's... there's so much in there, Luke! In my head. I-I am filled to the brim, with thoughts, I mean. My mind, it feels like it is overflowing and... and..." I trail off, giving up since I cannot seem to form coherent sentences anymore.

"Shh, Lily, it's okay. I've got you. I've got you."

Just like that, I am back in my brother's warm embrace. And my eyes are leaking tears like waterfalls, again. That is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I have told myself for the past hour that I need to be brave and stop crying all the time. That I gotta be strong for my family, or even for myself. And then I have one small, slightly emotional conversation with Luke and I am already back to being a sobbing mess.

"I... I feel like... like my mind is...it's going to explode any minute," I cry into his t-shirt.

Like he did earlier, Luke rhythmically rubs my back while he presses my head against his chest. His hand is buried in my hair and he gently massages my scalp with his fingers. I feel him sway us back and forth, very slowly.

Like Sienna did with him?

I take a shaky breath and allow his comforting gestures to calm me down.

"I know this is overwhelming," Luke speaks quietly into my ear. "It is for me, too. But we'll get through this together. We have each other. All of us. We'll be strong for each other. We'll have each other's backs whenever someone feels down. That's what's so great about having a big family. There is always someone to pick up the pieces and help put us back together. We'll be each other's strength and shoulder to lean on. Each other's rocks, if you will. It'll be okay, honey, I promise. It was back then and it will be again. It has to be."

Luke's words have the desired effect. Although it doesn't feel like it right now, I know that what he says is true. In our family, we don't let each other down. I may have questioned some of my oldest brothers' decisions lately and I may have developed a few trust issues when it comes to believing everything they say and do. But I know from the bottom of my heart that nobody in our family would ever allow it that one of us siblings feels abandoned and left to their own devices. That anyone has to carry their burden alone. I know that we have a support system that works.

"I believe you," I whisper, forcing myself to sound a lot more hopeful than I really am.

Sean says that with the power of the mind you can achieve incredible things. Anything, he claims. Maybe this is what he meant with that.

Suddenly, a thought hits me. I pull back and put a bit of distance between us. Looking back up at Luke, I find him staring at me with a startled but also curious expression.

"Does everybody know?" I ask, dreading the answer.

I know that they have to know. That they have a right to know. But at the same time, I don't want them to. It will break my brothers' hearts and I want to protect them from the same hurt that I am feeling right now. I am aware of the irrationality of my thoughts, but I cannot help myself.

Luke shrugs, which I interpret as him not being sure. This gives me a little bit of hope. Maybe some of my brothers are still living in blissful oblivion, going about their day, enjoying it. I would do anything to keep it that way for a bit longer. However, I doubt that I have that kind of power, which is rather deflating.

"Where's my phone?" I want to know.

"Huh? Why?" Luke seems confused by my random question.

"I want to see what's on the family chat," I explain, feeling worried.

"Oh god, Lily! Nobody put anything about this on the family chat. Are you insane? What d'you take us for?" my brother exclaims, almost sounding offended.

I stare at him, trying to make sense of what I am even implying. Of course nobody would announce on the family chat that Sam died. That would be just cruel. My mind may be a tumbling mess, but I know that my siblings are not that insensitive.

Instead, I assume that everybody received a call from... someone. Sean, most likely. And maybe Jordan helped, too. Not Alex, if what Luke said is true, which I assume it is. He couldn't have done it, if he felt so upset himself.

"Does Josh know?" I say the first name that pops in my head.

Of course he knows, if Jo-Jo and Alex know. But maybe, just maybe, they decided to go easy on him and not tell him until they can see him in person. He is currently away with Tom somewhere, since it's the weekend. Jordan might have decided not to ruin that for them.

"What do you think? Obviously, he does."

Luke gives me an unreadable look but I think he thinks that I am crazy to assume that anybody would keep something like this from our second oldest brother.

Does he know that Josh had to see a therapist after what happened with Sienna?

"H-how...?" I whisper.

"I don't know, honey. Somebody must have called him. Either Sean, or one of the others, after they talked to Sean. I didn't call anyone. Thank god," he adds almost inaudibly, like an afterthought.

I understand the sentiment. Having to tell your family that one of theirs has died must be the most horrible task, like, ever. I don't know how Sean even did it. I would have crumbled under the pressure.

He's a superhero, remember?

Despite the heaviness in my chest, a tiny smile appears on my lips at this thought that my messy brain pushes forcefully to the forefront of my consciousness. It looks like said brain can still work properly, when needed, putting forward useful thoughts sometimes, too. This is reassuring.

"What about Ben?"

"I am sure he knows, too, Lils. Where are you going with this?"

"Where is he?" I continue my interrogation, ignoring Luke's question.

"Didn't he go on a trip with Maya?" he asks back, turning the tables.

"Yeah. But I don't know where to."

Because I am a bad sister and never take an interest in my siblings' activities.

What if something happened to Ben and the last thing I remember of him is that I didn't care where he even went on vacation?

Luke must have noticed that my mind is drifting off again, because he decides to continue our strange conversation.

"I think he cut that trip short and will be on his way back," he says.

This just makes me feel worse. The thought of Ben in general does, anyway, the more I think about him. Because I know that he and Sam are very close. They are only a bit more than a year apart in age and they practically grew up together. I think they are more than just brothers. They are great friends, too.

Were great friends, my brain harshly reminds me.

That infamous iron fist around my heart makes itself known, attempting to squeeze all life out of my organ at that very sad thought. I am clearly not yet ready to think of Sam in the past tense. I quickly move onto more neutral territory.

"What about Jack?"

I deliberately leave out Will, because I have no idea how he is going to react to this new drama in our family. He is so unpredictable and it is impossible to anticipate what he is going to do with the news. Also, I don't really want to know what he said or did.

Over the past few months, I have learned that the one brother who gives off this "I don't give a shit about anyone" vibe is probably the most vulnerable out of everyone. Something tells me that what happened to Sam will hurt him a lot. I am afraid to find out what it does to him.

I wish I could be there with Will when he finds out. I'd force him into hug and, although he'd most likely want to push me off, I wouldn't let go. I'd cling to him until he accepted my comfort.

"I have no clue."

I can tell that Luke's patience is running thinner with every question that I ask and every name I throw out there. But he does a commendable job hiding his growing irritation.

My mind now wanders into even more unsafe territory than thinking about Will – namely to my youngest brothers – and I quickly and surprisingly successfully put up a massive wall to shove those toxic thoughts back into their hiding place, far away from my consciousness. Contemplating what my oldest brothers might have done with this heart-breaking news is a big enough challenge. I won't allow myself to dwell on anyone else. I have to put a stop to this downward spiral before it gets out of hand and I won't be able to control it anymore.

To shut up my mind a bit more permanently, I jump to my feet, eager to occupy myself with something other than sitting here, musing over depressing things.

"Where are you going?" Luke immediately asks as he starts strumming a few chords.

It has gone almost dark by now and the strings of small solar lights that Hannah and I bought the other day are faintly illuminating the back yard and the deck. It looks peaceful and comforting. Quite beautiful, too. And not as scary as the dark can otherwise be.

A shiver runs down my spine when I remember how the two of us ordered poor Sam around when he got tasked with putting them up for us, fixing them along the gutters of the roof. We were hard to please, to be fair, and we kept complaining that he was doing it all wrong. Sam had the patience of a saint as he continuously had to reposition the ladder and climb back on it to rearrange the lights until we eventually deemed it acceptable.

Looking around now, it looks perfect. Sam did an awesome job.

I blink back the treacherous tears and look down at Luke, who is expectantly looking up at me, waiting for a reply.

"To get my phone," I explain.

I need to make sure that there really wasn't anything on the family chat. And I want to see if any of my brothers tried to get in touch with me. I wouldn't call them back, of course, because I know that I can't deal with talking to anyone else about what happened. But it would give me some peace of mind to know whether I missed anything.

"It wasn't in my room, earlier," I add, suddenly remembering the confusion when I couldn't find my phone on the bedside table. "I don't know where it is."

"When did you last have it?" Luke asks, trying to help.

Since I haven't seen it since I woke up, I force my mind to go back to before I blacked out. And like pushing open the door to a way too over-stuffed closet, the moment I do that, an avalanche of memories burries me.

I physically stumble at the onslaught of visuals that occupy my brain at incredible speed. Like an erratic movie trailer, images of what happened this afternoon attack my mind.

Sam racing past us, the crowd cheering.

The stranger smiling his creepy smile at me. Winking at me.

An ocean-blue shirt.

A collective gasp from the people around me.

Sam falling off his bike and disappearing from my sight.

Me frantically searching for Hannah.

The sight of a helicopter in the air and the sound of rotor blades in my ears.

Sean's worried face right in front of mine.

The inability to breathe while the darkness is calling for me.

"Lily! Hey, Lily, what's going on?" Luke's voice penetrates my thoughts.

I rapidly blink a few times, attempting to get rid of the images in my head. I force these painful memories to the back of my mind, effectively stopping this horror movie trailer from playing on repeat. Once I feel like I am back in control of my thoughts, I quickly turn around and run into the cabin.

"I'm okay. I'll be right back!" I call over my shoulder for Luke's benefit.

The last thing I want is for him to worry and follow after me. I need a moment to myself. To find my phone and catch a breath and maybe give myself another much needed pep-talk. It is only a matter of time until the others will show up.  And I am nowhere near prepared for that encounter.

*******

My chest is heaving and breathing seems to be an incredibly difficult task as I try to get my nerves under control. I am back, standing in the middle of the living room. But this time, I actively avoid looking at Sam's discarded items. Instead, I focus on the one thing I have been trying to figure out: where my phone is.

And then, just like that, I know where to look.

Sam's car!

I left my bag in there because I couldn't be bothered to carry it with me up to the mountain, since I am lazy like that and I had no brother around to pawn it off to. And because the phone didn't fit into the pockets of my shorts, I left it there, too.

But where is his car?

I rack my brain, trying to figure out how we got here and where it could possibly be. It doesn't take me long to come up with two possible scenarios.

Luke came here with Sean, in whatever car. Neither of them owns one, for all I know. So they must have borrowed one from a brother. Most likely Josh, since he and Tom also have Tom's car and therefore, Josh has been very generous letting his siblings – mainly Jordan – use his car whenever they please.

They could also have taken Ben's, since he might have gone on his vacation with Maya in her car. Or they might have taken a plane. Again, I am feeling incredibly selfish and ignorant for having no clue where they even went.

There is no way that Sean and Luke used Jack's car. Apart from the fact that he would never let it out of his sight, it would probably not even make it all the way up to the cabin without breaking down. Of course, I would never say this out loud, but I know that all of us are thinking that Jack's car is a heap of junk. A pretty heap of junk, I admit, because he fixed up really nicely, but nevertheless a very unreliable one.

Anyway, back to the two scenarios. Either Luke drove us to the cabin in whoever's car they borrowed to get here – or he used Sam's car. Where he got the keys from, I don't even want to think about.

So, all I have to do is go out front and check. If Sam's car is here, so will my phone be. And I really need my phone. If only to reassure myself that the rest of my family is still sort of okay-ish.

And maybe to call Gracie, or Jayden.

I am in two minds about this though. Part of me craves their friendship and comfort. But the other part is too mortified to even think of having to tell them what happened.

How do you tell your friends that your family member died?

I really wish I would have never needed to find out.

Deep in thought, I sluggishly make my way to the front door. I am glad that Luke got the message and didn't follow me inside. I can only deal with one thing at a time, and having him hover while I check my messages would be the worst thing ever.

It is pretty dark in the hallway, not surprisingly. The sun has definitely set and night is here. I have no idea what time it is. Thinking about it, I wonder where Jordan and Alex are. It takes about four hours to drive here. They should have arrived hours ago.

Unless they went to the hospital first.

Or maybe to the police?

I have no idea how it works when someone dies.

Do they have to identify the body?

Another shiver runs down my spine at that thought. I really hope that they didn't have to do that. Just imagining how horrible that must be makes my head spin. From the little that Luke said, I somehow doubt that Alex could have dealt with that.

Maybe that's why they're still not here?

Did something happen with Alex?

Another wave of anxiety washes over me.

I have no idea how I am even going to deal with the reality of having lost Sam. But thinking that something bad might have happened to my oldest brother, my guardian, my rock, is simply too much. I violently shake my head, wanting to physically remove these horrendous thoughts from my head forever.

Alex is fine. Nothing happened to him.

Maybe turning on the lights would not be a bad thing. I have never been a fan of the dark, and now, with everything that I experienced, it is even creepier. I wonder if I'll ever be able to sleep with the lights off again. Or sleep at all. Because the mere thought freaks me out.

Earlier, when I tried to convince myself that this was all a nightmare, it already was scary as hell. But now that I know that it is reality, it's even worse. I will refuse to close my eyes tonight. If I am having these flashbacks of Sam's accident even while I am wide awake, I don't want to imagine what it will do to me if they haunt me in my sleep.

Taking another shaky breath, I force myself to get out of this dangerous headspace and focus on the task at hand. I turn the door knob of the front door to go outside. But I have barely pushed the door open an inch when the sound of a car engine reaches my ears.

Jordan and Alex?

I freeze in my movements, debating with myself what my next move should be. My natural reaction would be to run outside and throw myself at either one of them the moment they step out of the car. But this is not a normal situation. I am on a mission to avoid seeing or speaking to any of them. So, the right thing to do would be to step away from the door and disappear somewhere inside the cabin.

However, I stay frozen in my spot and prick my ears, instead.

I hear a car door open and then close a couple of seconds later. Just one door.

Is it Sean, returning from the hospital?

But if it's him, wouldn't Hannah be there, too?

My unspoken question is answered when I hear Jordan's deep voice.

"Alex, come on, man. Let's do this."

He sounds very far away, but at the same time almost too close for comfort. I fight an inward battle whether to take my chance and run away before he spots me, or to stay and see what happens. Curiosity wins, as it always does.

Footsteps on gravel are the next thing I hear. At first, I fear that they are coming towards the house, but when they stop after a few steps, my brain tells me that it must have been Jordan walking around the car.

I lean forward to look through the tiny gap in the doorway. The front entrance lights have automatically come on when Jordan drove up to the cabin, illuminating the first few yards of the gravel driveway. The headlights of the car are still on, but I cannot see much else. For one, it is too dark outside and the other reason is that the gap between the door and the doorframe is barely an inch wide, very much limiting my sight.

I guess I have to rely on my hearing and my imagination, if I continue eavesdropping on my brothers. This bad habit of mine is getting out of control a bit. I know that it's wrong – that is what we have been taught all our lives – but the thought of finding out stuff that could be important is so incredibly compelling that I regularly throw all caution to the wind and do it anyway.

So far, not much good has come from it.

"Alex." Jordan sounds pretty exasperated. "Come on, we've talked about this. It'll be okay."

This is clearly a lie and even if I didn't notice that tiny, hesitant break in my third eldest brother's voice, I'd know it.

Nothing is going to be okay for a very long time to come.

Another car door opening can be heard. I don't know if Alex did it on his own or if Jordan lost his patience with our clearly reluctant brother and pulled it open for him.

"I can't do this."

Alex's voice is hoarse and it holds so much pain, it physically hurts after only hearing him say these four little words. I have witnessed him angry, disappointed and – on very rare occasions – sad. But the tone of his voice now is so unfamiliar, so raw with emotion that it automatically re-activates that iron fist around my heart. If my heart exploded into a million pieces, it would not surprise me. It might even be a welcome relief as the pain is almost unbearable.

"Yes, you can. We'll do this together, remember? I'm here, bro. I've got your back."

"You don't understand, J. This is all my fault! I can't look into their eyes. I just can't."

What is he talking about?

How can this be his fault?

If anything, it is my fault because I didn't stop the stranger.

I have half a heart to run out there and tell him just that. But the next words coming from Jordan stop me just in time.

"Bullshit! None of this is your fault, Alex! Nobody knew this was gonna happen. This... this – it's so fucked up! We're in this together and we'll figure it out, hear me? But I swear, if you keep blaming yourself, I might just lose it here and now and knock some sense into you in a way that you won't like."

Is Jordan seriously threatening to harm our oldest brother?

I gasp at the mere thought. I know that the boys tend often to get physical with each other. But it's always playful. This time, however, the seriousness in Jordan's voice, the determination, leave me wondering if he would really resolve to such drastic measures.

And although I know that Alex can hold his own against pretty much everybody, I have my doubts that he would come out on top if Jordan would take him on. They're of similar size, but Jordan has been trained in the military and his new job at The Factory is keeping him in perfect shape, too. Plus, Alex is still injured from that incident at work and he has a broken wrist. I definitely wouldn't put my money on him right now. He wouldn't stand a chance against Jordan.

"I'd deserve it."

I can barely hear Alex's response to our brother's threat, but I do and it instantly fills me with sadness. The desperation and self-deprecating tone to his voice hurts me more than that omnipresent iron fist keeping a painful hold on my heart.

"For fuck's sake, Alex, grow a pair!" Jordan exclaims angrily. "Damn it! It's not even been eight hours since we got the news about Sam and you're already on a path to self-destruction? Is that really how you want your younger siblings to see you? For Lily to see you? She needs you, man, and you know it. Don't do this to yourself – don't to this to her – and get a fucking grip! Nobody expects you to be an emotionless human stone, or even some kind of superhero. You're allowed to show your feelings, but this here, this is too much, too early! You got to fucking pull yourself together, if only for a few more hours," Jordan lectures him.

I can tell that he is quickly losing his patience. And I know from experience that it takes a lot to upset Jordan or make him angry enough to lash out like this.

Okay, lately, maybe that doesn't seem to apply. He got very angry real quick when that stuff with the stranger happened. But under any other circumstances, Jordan has an almost eerie calm about himself, otherwise not a very common character trait in my family. He has told me that he was trained in the military to keep his emotions under control and not let them dictate his actions in order to ensure that he makes decisions with a clear mindset.

I still don't know why those encounters with the creep upset him so much that he forget all about his training. But I have a feeling that it won't be very long anymore until I'll find out what this is all about. The topic is undoubtedly going to come up, considering how the stranger was involved in what happened today. When I have to talk to the police, at the very latest, it will be adressed.

The second car door slams shut, startling me. I hear someone take a few slow steps on the gravelly driveway. In my mind, I picture how Alex unfolded his big frame out of the passenger seat, shut the door behind him and is now hesitantly walking up to his brother.

"I feel so damn guilty, Jordan. It's eating me up alive." Alex sounds so tired and defeated, it is heart-breaking.

Guilty?

What has he done to make him feel that way?

"Again, I'll repeat what I told you a thousand times already on the drive here: What happened to Sam is not your damn fault. Can you get that into your stubborn head? None of us saw this coming. None of us expected them to go this far and... well, to cross the fucking red line, Alex! Not like this. And not so soon, either. Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

The frustration in Jordan's voice is almost palpable. And his words leave me reeling. It almost sounds like my oldest brothers know exactly that this was no accident. That somebody deliberately was out there to hurt Sam.

But surely, that is impossible. Completely irrational.

...who that bastard is and who sent him...

...keep the kids out of harm's way...

...that somebody specifically targeted the baby...

...how did they find us?

Suddenly, bits and pieces of Jordan's angry words from the night when I ran away to Jayden's treehouse pop into my head. I gasp as my mind starts to connect a few dots and I instinctively stumble backwards, away from the door.

Is someone really out there trying to hurt our family?

Do my brothers know who it is?

And why they're after us?

All these questions are not only scary but they are implying that the secrets I know my brothers are keeping are even bigger than I thought. This is giving me a massive headache. My hands find their way to my temples and I start rubbing frantically, hoping to soothe the increasing pain.

Then I hear heavy steps coming closer.

"You got the key?" Alex asks, his voice only a few yards away now, right on the other side of the door.

He must have decided to come inside, after all. I freeze in my movements, wondering what to do. I should probably go back to the living room before they find me standing uselessly in the hallway. It will look really suspicious and I don't want to be caught eavesdropping.

"Is it locked?" Jordan's voice sounds a bit further away.

Then there is a heavy thump, followed by a second one. Like someone threw down a couple of duffle bags onto the wooden floor of the veranda.

"It better be," Alex retorts. "You did remind them of how important safety is right now, didn't you?"

This statement chills me to the bone, and my anxiety levels immediately skyrocket.

Who are they so afraid of?

And why?

"I did, Alex, and you know it. And they know the drill, too. Now can you please relax? If Lily sees you like this, she's gonna freak out. That's the last thing we want, no? We've got this, man, I promise," Jordan tries to assure our brother.

If I weren't so confused by all that I just overheard and still kind of in shock from what happened to Sam today, I think it would have upset me more that they are obviously putting on a show just for my benefit. Deceiving me. Lying to me.

Alex mutters something that I cannot understand. I am still trying to figure out my next steps when the door moves slightly.

"Oh god, why is the door open?" my oldest brother exclaims, panic lacing his voice.

Not wasting another second and risking to be caught, I turn around and run. My only goal is to avoid seeing these two, so once I slide around the corner, I take the closest door I get to and almost dive head first into that room.

As quietly as possible, considering that I am in a hurry, I close the door behind me. It makes a creaky sound, which might give me away, but I can't change that now. They will eventually find me, no matter what. But I can try my best to delay that encounter for as long as possible.

Taking a shuddering breath, I look around to see which room I ended up in. I don't dare turning on the lights as to not attract attention. A sliver of light from the lamp on the front porch shines into the room, giving it a bit of a spooky vibe. It illuminates part of the bed that is taking up most of the room. That is when it hits me: it is Sam's and Hannah's room.

A wave of sadness washes over me at the thought of them. When they were in here only this morning, they were a happy couple, probably looking forward to their upcoming wedding. Maybe this is where Hannah kissed him for the last time. I tear up at that depressing thought and quickly push it down.

Then I remember how she gave him that really intense kiss right before Sam left to register for the race. I cringed and had to look away, finding it a bit too much, in public and all. I teased her about it later on, telling her that they almost blinded me and that it is not something anyone's kid sister wants to witness.

Hannah just laughed at me and said that she'll remind me of this once she catches me kissing a boy. I giggled at that and told her that I have no desire to kiss anyone anytime soon. She just gave me that knowing look that adults sometimes give kids and then she made me promise that she'd be the first person I would tell if I ever developed a crush.

Is she still going to want to know, with everything that has changed?

Will I even still see her, now that she won't become my sister-in-law?

I make fists with my hands and bang them against my head a couple of times, trying a more physical approach to rid myself of these depressing thoughts. I know that it is not helpful if I keep thinking of all this sad stuff. At this rate, I feel that I will be sad forever.

My eyes suddenly catch sight of a dark lump at the foot of the bed, barely within the range of the cone of light falling in through the half-closed blinds. I inch closer and reach out to touch it. The soft cotton fabric between my fingers immediately identifies the item as one of Sam's many hoodies. Since he is such a sporty person, he has half a closet full of them. Also, he kept a lot of his college hoodies, for sentimental reasons, as he once told me when I questioned him about it.

I lift it up and instinctively bring it to my nose. I don't know what exactly I was expecting, but it sure isn't the overwhelming scent of Sam.

Hot tears shoot into my eyes as a very vivid image of my gentle giant of a brother with his characteristically boyish smile enters my mind at this distinctive smell. I can't even describe it, but the hoodie makes me feel as if I am hugging him. I bury my face deep into it – ignoring the tears soaking the fabric – and inhale deeply. The comfort it gives me is paired with an incredible sadness because of how hurtful it is to think of my brother. I will never part with this hoodie ever again.

"Lily? Hey, baby, where are you?" Jordan's voice reaches my ear, making me jump.

"Have you not found her yet?" This is Luke.

The voices are coming closer and my heartbeat picks up. I am still not ready to see or speak to Jordan. Not to mention Alex. That prospect is even scarier. I look around frantically, trying to think of something to avoid this.

"And you're sure she went into the house?" Jordan questions his younger brother.

"She said she was gonna look for her phone."

"Liiiilyyy!" Jordan yells again, louder this time.

Forget it.

I am not ready for this.

That is when I remember that this is the room that has one of my favorite hiding spots in it. When we were younger, we used to play hide and seek quite a lot during our vacations up here. Mainly when it rained and we couldn't go outside.

There is a really basic cupboard-like closet in this room with sliding doors, because the room is so small that it would be difficult to put in normal wardrobe doors. The bottom part of this closet is where we keep the spare duvets and pillows. I used to be able to sit upright and cross-legged in that compartment when I was little. If I draped a blanket over me, the boys hardly ever found me because you had to get down on your knees and look into the furthest corner to see me hiding there. I doubt that I will still fit in there in a sitting position, but curling up will definitely work.

"Come on, kiddo, this is not funny anymore. Please come out."

Jordan's voice sounds even closer now. I can hear him opening doors and know that it is only a matter of seconds until he comes in here. In the dark, I slide the door to the closet open and crouch down to see if there is space for me. Luckily, we took out most of the blankets to use during our stay and there is only an old, tattered one remaining. Just enough to cover me.

After slipping Sam's hoodie over my head, I climb into my make-shift cubbyhole and slide the door back into the place. The darkness that surrounds me initially feels almost a bit overwhelming, but I tell myself that it is still way more bearable than the upcoming encounter with my oldest brothers.

I curl up in a ball and bury my nose in the sleeves of Sam's hoodie, that are dangling half a foot over hands, inhaling his scent again, like a drug.

Then I close my eyes and wait.

A/N - Luke is the best person for Lily to have in her life right now, no? I am a bit worried about how that encounter with Jo-Jo and Alex will go though. And those boys seem to have some serious secrets. It's gonna get messy soon...

Thanks for reading & all that jazz! Take care of yourselves! xx