Chapter 4 - No Coincidence

I should have known that the plan to avoid my brothers is doomed before it even began.

I think it took Jordan less than ten minutes to find me.

I was lying really still and barely dared to take a breath as I listened to him and Luke call my name, like, a hundred times. Luckily, they didn't sound panicked or overly worried, otherwise I probably wouldn't have lasted even a few seconds.

From running away to Chicago and, only a few days ago, to Jayden's treehouse, I know that it is one of the worst things I can do to my family: disappear without letting anyone know where I am and that I am safe. I think I have learned that lesson now.

Judging by the exchanges between Luke and Jordan that I overheard while they were looking for me, it is obvious that neither of them thought that I had run away. They apparently know me well enough to guess that I am simply avoiding them.

So, I didn't feel bad for hiding from them. If I had my phone – which must still be in the car – I would have considered sending them a message, just to ease their minds. That might have helped them respect my need for privacy, because it irritates me that they didn't give up looking for me.

I wish they would just let me be until I am ready say hello. But maybe Jordan knows that they'd have to be very patient to wait it out. Also, he is the kind of person to tackle issues head on, not endlessly prolonging the inevitable.

I have no idea where Alex is. He has not called for me even once and I also didn't hear him talk to the others. If that conversation between him and Jordan I overheard is anything to go by, he must be actively avoiding me, too. Not that I blame him. We are on the same page here.

When the door to Sam's bedroom opens, I hold my breath and completely stop any movement. The latter is not exactly difficult in the tiny compartment I am curled up in.

"Lily?" Jordan calls out again.

It is surprisingly gentle, like he is anticipating to find me in here. I listen closely as he shuffles around the small room. The floor boards squeak suspiciously and I picture him kneeling down to check under the bed – another one of my favorite hiding spots from when I was little.

I still sometimes hide under beds, mainly when I am running from Aidan. My oldest brothers' bedrooms usually provide the necessary protection if I need to get away from my second youngest brother's irrational behavior. If Aidan is in a mood, there is no telling what he will do, so it is often better to hide until he has calmed down.

Things tend to be even easier to de-escalate if whatever brother the room belongs to is actually present when it happens. There's nothing safer and more comforting than hiding behind someone bigger when I am at the receiving end of Aidan's wrath. One – probably the only – advantage of being small.

"There you are," Jordan's voice startles me.

I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I haven't noticed him sliding the closet door open. Blinking a few times, I try to adjust my eyesight to the new brightness. He must have switched on the lights as he came in. My brother is sitting cross-legged in front of my make-shift cubby hole. From my awkward position, I can only see his jeans-clad legs with his big hands folded on top of them, and parts of his shirt.

Jordan seems to be wearing one of the t-shirts from his martial arts studio. The purple one. Despite the current situation, my heart jumps at the sight and a tiny smile plays on my lips when I remember how Tyler, his business partner, and I ordered that exact t-shirt for my brother. We were certain that he would refuse to ever wear it and Jordan did make some disapproving noises when we presented it to him. But then I used my most patented puppy-dog eyes on him and told him as sincerely as possible that this is my absolute favorite color – which is the truth – and he promised me that he would give it a try someday.

Seeing him wearing that shirt strangely warms my heart, although it might just be a coincidence. It was probably the only one that he could find at the Factory that was still clean, because he had yet to wear it. So when he had to hurry to leave after getting these dreadful news, he was most likely forced to put it on. I doubt it was voluntary.

"Hi, kiddo," Jordan greets me softly.

I shuffle around a bit and tilt my head to get a better look at him and find him leaning down as well so that he can see my face. My instinct would be to turn around and face the back wall of the closet as to avoid seeing him, but I successfully fight that urge. Something tells me that he would force me to look at him, either way.

So, we end up staring at each other for what feels like eternity.

Once I have gotten over the initial reluctance, I find myself searching his features for anything out of place. To say that I am surprised when he looks just like always is an understatement. I don't know what I expected, but inwardly, I was preparing myself to encounter a completely devastated big brother. I was so worried that one look at him would break me, that seeing the gentle, understanding expression on his face leaves me almost confused.

Is he not sad about what happened to Sam?

Or is he so used to losing people that this doesn't affect him anymore?

"Why are you hiding?"

I just blink up at him, unable to find words to answer his question. Actually, I doubt I can get any words out at all, no matter what Jordan is going to ask me. That all too familiar lump is back in my throat and it is growing steadily. I attempt to draw a deep breath to fill my lungs with oxygen before my throat closes up completely. What comes out when I do this is some kind of weird sound, a mixture of a sob and a gasp.

"Oh, baby."

Jordan scoots a bit closer and leans down even more. He reaches out and places a hand on top of my head. He gently starts stroking my hair and after a while drags his calloused palm downwards until it comes to a stop on my cheek. I feel something wet on my face and it takes me a moment to realize that he is using his thumb to wipe away a few stray tears.

You are not supposed to cry!

My body once again completely ignores my orders. I told myself that I was done crying, at least in front of my family. That I would be strong so that they don't have to worry about me on top of everything else. And the first thing I do when I lay eyes on one of my favorite people in the world is crying.

I hate being so weak.

We remain in this position for a while, none of us saying a word. I have given up trying to stop the tears, so I end up crying silently into Jordan's warm, comforting hand. He rhythmically continues to wipe the salty rivers away, never once taking his eyes off me. His expression stays the same, gentle and understanding, his eyes softer than ever. But maybe I am only imagining this because that is what I want to believe. My sight is too blurry to make out any details and to be sure.

"How about you come out of your hiding place, huh?" Jordan suggests.

I immediately curl deeper into Sam's hoodie and bury my face back inside it, making it impossible for him to keep his hand my cheek. I feel Jordan's fingers trailing back up to the top of my head, combing through my messy hair. I randomly wonder when I lost my hair tie, only now noticing that my locks are no longer held back in that low ponytail that I put it in earlier today.

"Lily, please. If not for you, maybe you could come out... for me?" my brother tries to coax me out of the small closet.

"I could really do with a hug from you right now."

My breath hitches in my throat at his heartfelt request.

How can I possibly deny him that?

I still don't move, feeling like I am frozen in place. If I leave the safety of my hiding place, there won't be any hiding anymore. From anything. From anybody. I will eventually have to face Alex and I don't know if I am ready for that encounter.

Alex blames himself for Sam's accident.

How am I supposed to look at him, knowing that he's thinking that?

"You know, if I were your size, I'd crawl in there with you and we could hide together for a bit. I'd totally be up for that. But, unfortunately, I am slightly bigger than you, so that is not an option. So, how do we solve this problem?" Jordan muses, patiently ignoring the fact that I am yet to speak to him.

Under any other circumstance, it would annoy me if he were talking to me like I am a little kid. Now, however, this has a surprisingly soothing effect on me. He is really trying hard to get my attention and to make me feel comfortable. I wish I could react, but it feels like the most impossible task. If it were up to me, I could stay curled up in this position forever.

"I know this is a very overwhelming situation. Not only for you, but for all of us. You have every right to be scared and sad and uncertain and confused. Trust me, baby, I feel all of these emotions, too. I also understand if you don't want to talk to me. That's absolutely fine. But I'd still love for you to come out and give me a cuddle. It would make me feel a lot better already, and maybe, just maybe, it would do the same for you?" he continues while still gently massaging my scalp.

I will my limbs to move, I really do, but it is to no avail. It is like I am rooted to the spot. Some invisible force is holding me back. I wonder if that is the kind of paralyzing fear that I have read about. Because it does feel like my body won't listen to me. This ice cold fear has taken hold of it. The worry of what I will find if I come out of my hiding place and face my family is too much for me to deal with.

I also cannot get Alex's self-depreciating words out of my head. They have successfully replaced the horrible images of Sam's accident, at least temporarily. It is really hard to keep control over my overly imaginative mind that is now conjuring up all kinds of questions and possibilities.

Why is he blaming himself for this?

What does he know?

Who did Jordan refer to when he said "them"?

Could this have been avoided?

"How about this? I ask you a few simple questions and all you have to do is either nod or shake your head. Yes or no. You don't even have to make a sound," Jordan suddenly suggests.

Why would he want to do this?

"A bit like 20 questions, if you like, just one-sided. Unless you want to ask me something, of course, then feel free to do just that," he chuckles, but I don't detect any real humor in his voice.

I am not so sure that he'd be inclined to answer my most burning questions.

"It's mainly for my own benefit, y'know? I feel bad for pushing you because I can clearly see that you're not doing so well. And I am no expert at how to help you, either. But I would really like to know a few things, kiddo, to find out how you are really doing. It would help me a lot to feel better myself and relax a bit. Okay? Are you up for this?" he asks kindly.

I take a few shallow breaths, willing my body to follow my orders, and relief washes over me when I manage to nod my head. Jordan's hand is still on my head, allowing him to easily interpret my answer.

"Good, I am glad," he states simply.

He appears to be relieved, too.

"Now, on with it. Question number one: did you have lunch today?"

This is definitely not what I was expecting. I instinctively shake my head no.

"Dinner?"

Where is he going with this?

Again, I shake my head.

"Hmm, okay. We'll sort that in a minute. – Are you thirsty?"

I actually have to think about this one. It forces me to take stock of my body and its current condition. The lump is still there and I suspect that it won't go away for a long time to come. But it is less prominent than it was in various other situations today, including just a few minutes ago. I actually do feel a bit dehydrated, which probably isn't that surprising, since I must have lost the majority of liquids in my body because of my constant crying.

I nod a bit hesitantly, kind of fearing the reaction this will trigger.

"Good. I mean, not good, because you're thirsty, which isn't the best feeling in the world, of course... well, you know what I mean. We can easily fix this, anyway, I think. Or better yet, I know," Jordan rambles.

Despite myself, I cannot help but let out a small giggle at his acting so uncharacteristically confused. As soon as this small sound leave my lips, Jordan's hand briefly stops stroking my hair only to pick up the rhythmic movement again a second later.

"Are you warm enough?"

This is an easy one. I have been cold ever since I woke up in my bed a few hours ago. The icy fist around my heart that is also still prominently there doesn't really make it much better. Neither does Sam's hoodie, although it certainly helps a bit. So, I decline by shaking my head no.

"Aww, baby. You know that could easily be changed, don't you? With one of my special Jordan-Bear-Hugs, for example. – Or a warm, relaxing bath, maybe?" he adds like an afterthought.

The idea of a hug from one of my favorite people is starting to grow on me, now that he mentions it for the second time. I still don't know where exactly he is going with his weird interrogation though. But I know for sure that my reluctance to come out of the closet is dwindling fast.

"Moving on to more difficult territory," he announces like he were trying to prepare me for what is to come. "Are you in here because you're avoiding us?"

Straight to the point. He is clearly no longer beating around the bush.

I decide that there is no reason to hide the fact that this is exactly what I tried – and obviously failed – to do, so I nod in agreement.

"Oh, Lily," Jordan sighs, sounding a bit lost. "Why?"

I don't move after that. He promised me yes and no questions and that isn't one.

"Ah, sorry," he says, immediately noticing his mistake.

Your patience is incredible, Jo-Jo.

How he has not yet given up on me is a mystery to me. If I were in his position and had to deal with a stubborn person like me, I would have given up a long time ago. It must be very annoying for him to deal with me when I am acting so difficult.

"Are you afraid of seeing us sad?" he asks directly.

Yes!

I cannot lie to him about this, even if I wanted to. Lies have thrown this family off balance lately. They have been toxic, even. If I am willing to point the finger at those who did lie – even if only by omission – I have to do better than them and be open instead. Even if it feels incredibly difficult.

Maybe it being so difficult is what is keeping them from telling the truth?

I nod again.

"Do you worry that we won't be strong enough, as individuals or as a family, to get through this?"

The interrogation gets more intense now and the questions are gradually more difficult to answer. They also remind me of Sean, somehow. It is the kind of stuff he would ask, most likely in order to do some secret assessment about a person's current state of mind. I didn't know Jordan had skills in that department, too.

Keeping in line with my resolution to be honest, I nod once again.

"What about if I tell you that we will definitely be strong enough to master literally any obstacles fate throws at us? Would you believe me?"

That is the toughest one so far. Of course, I want nothing more than to believe him. And knowing what the guys have been through as a family before, one would think that there is more than enough proof that they can do it and get over pretty much anything.

But what if it's different this time?

What if Sam's accident is what breaks them for good?

This is what I am most afraid of. That my brothers don't have the energy left to deal with this new, heart-breaking situation and that it will tear our family apart. Hearing Alex say what he did earlier certainly didn't do much to appease me. Not to mention their repeated mysterious references about someone being out there trying to hurt us.

That is the scariest part of it all.

Should I ask Jordan about it?

Is this the right time?

I guess there won't ever be "the" right time for these kinds of questions. I just need to find the courage to ask him. Before I can make a different decision, I go for it.

"Why is Alex blaming himself for what happened?" I whisper, my voice cracking on more than one occasion because my throat is so dry.

As soon as these words come across my lips, Jordan's fingers that have been steadily playing with my hair, stop moving. Although I can only see his legs and a bit of his stomach from my viewing angle, and my vision is partially blurry still, I can tell that his whole body froze at my question.

"What do you mean?" he asks me, trying and clearly failing to sound indifferent.

"I heard him say that he feels guilty and that he's to blame," I explain quietly.

I am aware that I am totally admitting that I have been listening in on their conversation, but that is the least of my concerns right now. I just want to know the truth.

"When did you... no, okay, I get it... I mean, did you hear us talk when we arrived earlier?" Jordan wants to know.

He doesn't use the word eavesdropping, which I am strangely grateful for. It makes me feel less ashamed of my actions. I nod again.

"Oh, Lily."

A big sigh follows Jordan's desperate sounding, short statement. His fingers start massaging my scalp once again, but after only a few brief seconds he pulls his hand back. Fear immediately takes hold of me because I think he is just going to get up and leave. Which is the last thing I want, now that he has come to me and I have realized that it's one hundred percent more comforting to have him here instead of avoiding him.

I quickly pull out one of my own hands that I have been cuddling against my stomach, hidden deep inside Sam's hoodie, and I get ready to reach out to stop him from leaving. But Jordan is quicker and surprises me by grabbing my hand before I even finish untangling it from the way too long sleeve. He wraps up in his big, calloused one and gently tugs on it.

"Can you please come out, baby? I promise, I will try to answer some of your questions. But to do that, I want to see all of you, not just your hands – and a mass of hoodie fabric. I want to, no, I need to hold you. Okay?" he pleads with me.

It is not my curiosity but mainly the earnestness of Jordan's voice that makes the decision for me. I awkwardly shuffle around until I manage to scoot out of my hiding place, my one hand still firmly held in my brother's bigger one.

I have barely moved my body out of the closet, when Jordan lets go and wraps me up in his strong arms. Immediately, a huge sense of comfort engulfs me. However, it takes a bit longer to calm my frazzled nerves, which are still sending small electric shocks throughout my whole body, probably in anticipation of what he might be revealing in a minute. Part of me wants to know every detail, right this second. But the other, more anxious part would prefer to ignore that there even is anything more to learn about this horrid situation.

Closing my eyes, hoping to gain control of my frantic mind, I inhale Jordan's scent. I seem to be doing this a lot lately – using other people's distinctive scents to calm me down. My face is kind of awkwardly squashed against his purple t-shirt which strangely doesn't even smell much like him but rather like it just came out of its protective plastic wrapper. This confirms my suspicion that he is only wearing it because there was nothing else available when he left in a hurry.

Focus, Lily, focus.

Jordan's choice of clothes is the least of my concerns right now. Obviously.

"I love you so, so very much," my brother mutters into my hair, bringing me out of my distracting and pretty pointless thoughts.

He hugs me even tighter and I let him, although it gets gradually more difficult to breathe. Luckily, Jordan realizes this and he loosens his hold on me. I quickly readjust my position when he does. It is kind of uncomfortable how we are half sitting and half lying on the hardwood floor, with me leaning awkwardly into him.

A chuckle escapes his lips when he notices what I am doing and in one swift movement that almost leaves me dizzy, Jordan gets to his feet, pulling me up at the same time. He guides me to the bed right behind us and gently but determinedly pushes me to sit on the edge of it. Then he hunkers down in front of me and grabs my hands again.

Squeezing them, he clears his throat. I watch him closely through eyes that are swollen from crying and probably look really red. It seems like he is preparing himself for the conversation we are going to have. Most likely, he is also wondering what to tell me. My brother does look a bit nervous, too.

"Can you tell me what you heard?" he, surprisingly, gets straight to the point.

Again, Jordan doesn't appear to be annoyed that I have been eavesdropping. He is simply accepting the fact, which is a bit weird, but I appreciate it. Maybe he is cutting me some slack because of this terrible situation we are in.

"Lily?"

"I... umm... I don't remember it very well," I start slowly, racking my brain for my brothers' exact words but coming up short. "Alex said that it's all his fault and then you told him off and said you'll beat some sense into him if he didn't stop saying that, or something. And then, when he kept claiming that he feels guilty, you... you said that nobody saw this coming and... and that you didn't think... uh... that they would go so far?"

I deliberately emphasize the word "they", curious to see if I get a reaction out of Jordan, but he remains incredibly calm and collected, almost unfazed by my revelation. Not even the tiniest twitch of his eyelid, or anything else to tell me that this is making him uncomfortable. He also doesn't look guilty, although it is very obvious that he and the others know stuff that they have been deliberately keeping from us. I hate how he can display such an incredible poker face.

"Okay," Jordan says after a while.

Okay?

Is he kidding me?

I narrow my eyes at him, scrutinizing his face and hoping to find a sign that this is not leaving him completely unimpressed. Jordan, of course, holds my curious gaze without even blinking once. I wonder if he is playing mind games with me.

I press my lips together to keep myself from saying something, anything, to fill the awkward silence. Because I think this is exactly what he wants me to do. To blurt out some random stuff just to keep the conversation going and then, when I least expect it, he will somehow change direction without me even noticing until it is too late. We'll be off topic, and my being courageous and admitting that I have been eavesdropping would have been in vain.

Growing up, this has happened all the time, so I easily recognize the signs. I know that my brothers are quite adept at taking advantage of me because they think I am too naïve to notice what they're doing. But that is a thing of the past now. I have recently acquired a finely tuned radar for their reverse psychology stuff, too. I firmly believe that it is not as easy to manipulate me as it used to be when I was younger and still very oblivious to their scheming behavior.

"What do you mean, okay?" I challenge him. "What did Alex mean when he said that? What did you mean?"

"Oh pumpkin, you were definitely not supposed to hear any of that," Jordan sighs, lifting one hand off mine and running it through his hair, a clear sign that he is getting a bit overwhelmed.

"Why?"

"Because... it's complicated."

Instantly, my previously freezing blood starts boiling. This is such a typical big-brother-reply, it is making me super annoyed with him. It is really rude that he is even trying to feed me this crap.

"I am sure if you explain, I'll get it. I'm not stupid," I bite out.

I am proud of myself for sounding so confident, although I really don't feel that way at all. I know that I am walking on pretty thin ice here, considering that I got this information by breaking one of Alex's sacred rules. Actually, I am strongly relying on Jordan to not shut me down completely and at least reveal something useful. Anything that might help calm my nerves and make me feel less guilty about what I did.

Although, I don't think there is anything that can make my bad conscience go away. I will forever feel responsible for what happened today.

It could surely have been prevented, if only I had done something to keep the stranger and his murderous accomplice from going through with their horrible plan.

If only I hadn't been standing by the roadside like a useless idiot, completely frozen from the shock of seeing him.

If only I had called for help immediately, even if it were just some random person beside me.

If only I hadn't left my phone in the car.

If only...

"Lily, hey, what's going on? Come on, baby, breathe," Jordan's voice suddenly rings in my ears, making me flinch.

I take a shaky breath and my chest painfully constricts before my lungs start to refill with oxygen.

"Good girl. There you go. You're okay," he says, patting my cheek. "Better?"

I nod, still a bit freaked out by what just happened. This is not the first time today and I start to worry that this will become a new habit of mine. A very uncomfortable one, too. I had only been musing over a few things and didn't even notice that I stopped breathing. I blink a few times, hoping to clear my head and feeling very tired all of a sudden.

"Sorry," I mutter because I cannot think of anything else to say.

"Don't be silly. – Oh, and by the way, nobody thinks you're stupid. Quite the opposite. Sometimes, you're too smart for your own good, kiddo," Jordan claims.

I focus my eyes on him and I am a bit surprised to see him look at me with a very neutral, almost grave expression. Normally, when any of my siblings say something like that, there is a hint of sarcasm in their voice and their eyes sparkle suspiciously, if not teasingly. But it looks like Jordan means every word he just said. I don't know whether to feel appeased or confused by this.

"Who were you talking about when you said they?" I decide to push for answers, since he doesn't seem to be willing to give them to me without me working harder for them.

"As I said, it's complicated. And that's not just an empty phrase to put you off from asking any further questions. It really is a very complex topic. And one that I, unfortunately, cannot give you an answer for," Jordan replies.

He seems contrite, if I read his guarded expression correctly, but that doesn't do much to make me feel any better about his rebuff.

"At least not yet," he quickly adds when he notices my unimpressed glare.

"Do you know who the stranger is?" I confront him.

I am surprising myself with that question. My brain has been trying to figure that out for a while now and I finally dare putting it into words. I had successfully burried such disturbing thoughts at the very back of my mind. But after overhearing for the second time in only a few days that my brothers think that someone is out there wanting to hurt us, there is no point denying it any longer.

"The stranger?" he asks, genuinely confused.

"The guy who's been stalking us. Who's been stalking me," I clarify, realizing that I probably never called him that in a conversation with my brothers.

Not that we have spoken a lot about the guy, anyway. All Jordan did whenever the stranger showed up was get really angry. He interrogated me after my first encounter at the baseball game, and after that, all he did was blow up and act irrational whenever the creep reappeared. But perhaps there is more to it. Maybe there is actually a proper reason behind why Jordan freaks out like that every time it happens.

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I get it. – And no, of course I... no, I mean we, we don't know him."

"Hmm." I am not convinced.

There is this weird gut feeling that tells me otherwise.

"You are still the only one who has ever seen this guy. I tried catching him after the gas station incident, remember? But the asshole got away."

"Jack also saw him," I remind him.

Jordan blinks a few times as my words register with him. He scrunches up his eyebrows, making the vein on his forehead pulsate strangely. I wonder if he forgot about that fact. And now that I said it, it might make him question a few things.

"Right, yeah, he did."

Once again, a very unconvincing statement. He may have a near-perfect poker face, but Jordan is a hopeless actor.

"I promise, we really don't know who the guy is. Of course we don't. That's why we need you to tell the police everything you know about him when we take you there tomorrow."

I remember that Luke told me earlier that I have to go to the police with Alex and tell them everything I saw. A shiver runs down my spine at that thought. I really don't want to talk about this awful day with anyone, let alone with random officers at a police station.

"So, even if you don't know the stranger, does he still have anything to do with the "them" you were referring to when talking to Alex?" I ask.

"We're not yet sure, baby."

I certainly didn't expect him to give me such a straight forward answer. This is the first time that I don't feel like they deliberately play it down. Maybe I am finally getting somewhere.

"So you know who they are?" I continue my interrogation since I seem to be making headway for a change.

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. But I don't want you to worry about any of this, okay? As I said, it's very, very complicated. And I really can't get into it with you right now. One, because it's not the right time and two, because if we do talk about it, it will have to be with Alex. And with everybody else there."

"So you're not denying that you're deliberately keeping things from me? From us, I mean? Noah, Jack, Aidan... maybe Will, too?"

It is clear that Jordan won't answer any of my questions if he doesn't want to, so I might as well throw them all at him and see what I can find out before he shuts me down. It is also a good distraction from what happened today. I am feeling a lot less anxious now. There might be some truth to what Sean keeps saying, which is that it helps to occupy your mind in order to distract yourself from any stuff that is upsetting you.

"You know very well that there are a few things that we are not telling you guys," Jordan reminds me, patting my hand as if to emphasize this.

"You mean all the stuff about our d-... our father?" I quickly correct myself.

I almost called him "dad", which is very random and actually a bit shocking. I don't even know the guy, let alone have I ever seen a picture of him. It would feel really weird to call him something so... affectionate, I guess.

Like, in my mind, this term should solely be reserved for a person who actually deserves to be called that. Until that happens, I will refer to him as my father. Or sperm donor, as Aidan likes to call him. Which I am not going to repeat to Jordan, because I think he might not find it appropriate. Or maybe he would simply laugh it off, which I could imagine just as well. Jordan never minces his words around us, no matter how hard Alex tries – and quite obviously fails – to keep us younger siblings from being around what he considers inappropriate language.

"That's right," my brother confirms.

Then, suddenly, something occurs to me and when it does, the thought alone almost physically knocks me over. My hands get clammy and I feel cold sweat appear on my forehead. These irritating black spots in my vision return, too. Fortunately, I manage to blink them away rather quickly.

"Does... do you think... oh god... is... d-does he... I mean, does our father h-have anything to d-do with... with what happened to S-Sam?" I stammer, my voice breaking at the very end of my question.

The lump in my throat – at least the size of Texas – makes an unwanted reappearance, too.

Will this always happen now, whenever I think of Sam?

I am very upset and that has a negative impact on my consciousness, but I still notice how Jordan's fingers stop stroking the backs of my hands. His movements froze the moment these stammered sentences came over my lips.

Am I onto something here?

I don't know how to feel about that. If it is true, it is way too overwhelming.

What if our elusive father is involved in all this?

What if he is the key to everything?

I think I'm going to throw up.

"Lily? Hey, kiddo, do you hear me? Come on, talk to me!"

Jordan's voice is suddenly very close and very loud, almost deafening. His hands are cupping my face and he is sort of painfully pushing my head from side to side. I blink again and then zero in on his dark eyes that are only a couple of inches from mine.

"Jeez, stop scaring me like this, baby. This is the second time within a few minutes! Your breathing picked up like crazy and then you got really pale and stopped breathing completely. For a moment there, I thought you're going to pass out on me," he says, sounding breathless himself.

"M'sorry."

I keep repeating this same, empty phrase, like a broken record. I guess it is because I feel so very bad for putting my brothers through all this. For forcing them to deal with me when this mess is mainly my fault to begin with.

But is it, really?

Maybe it is theirs, like Alex said, because they're keeping all this important stuff from us?

Jordan rubs his thumbs across my cheeks one more time and then he gets up from his still crouched down position in front of me. His joints make an awful creaky sound, like those of an old man. Normally, this would make me laugh, probably even tease him. But I don't feel like laughing right now. Or even smiling. Maybe I'll never feel like doing that again.

He sits down on the bed next to me and pulls me into his side, his fingers automatically finding their way into my hair. I lean into him, grateful for the comfort and warmth he provides. I close my eyes, feeling exhausted.

"To answer your question: yes, there is a connection to our father, to all of this," Jordan starts to speak after a few minutes of strangely blissful silence.

A shockwave shoots through my body as his candid words register with me and I almost jump out of his hold. Almost, because he must have anticipated my reaction and keeps me firmly locked in his embrace. I did certainly not expect him to confirm my suspicion. But now that he did, it makes me feel incredibly helpless.

How can a father be involved in the death of his own kid?

What kind of person is he that people want to hurt us because of him?

Or is he behind all this and does he want to hurt us?

The urge to vomit grows stronger with every new thought and possibility that enters my mind. I hope Jordan will let go of me in time, in case I can't control it any longer. Otherwise, I will puke all over him.

"H-how?" I press out.

"As I said, again, it's very complicated. And I already said more than I should have. But I believe that, after what happened today, you have a right to know more about this whole... mess. Yeah, that is exactly what it is. A huge pile of fucking toxic mess," Jordan says, sounding almost like he is speaking to himself and not to me at the end there.

He clears his throat and before I can launch my next question at him, he continues: "Please stop asking me more questions about this, okay? You know that I won't be able to answer them. Not without Alex here, and the others. I told you that already. But I give you my word that you'll get all the information that you deserve. You and your brothers. The younger guys. – Deal?"

"Huh?"

I am still busy trying to absorb the fact that our father might have been somehow involved in Sam's accident. Maybe even involved with the stranger directly. With these ominous people that are apparently trying to hurt us. Perhaps he is part of them.

What a sickening thought!

"Do we have a deal that you will stop asking questions until I have spoken to Alex and Josh and the rest of them? And in return, I promise that you guys will get your answers in due time?" he repeats.

There is a hint of desperation in his voice and this is when I know that I cannot deny him the request. Despite the chaos in my mind and the confusing, dramatic situation we are currently in, I realize that this is a very difficult time for Jordan, too. He is one of my favorite people in the world and I would do anything to make him feel better, just like he is trying to do with me, all the time.

"Of course," I confirm and then add even more sincerely: "Thank you for being here, with me."

"I'll always be here for you, if you let me. Always. – And thank you for giving me company, too."

"I love you, Jo-Jo."

"I love you more, pumpkin."

*******

I twist and turn for the hundredth time, unable to get comfortable, let alone to find sleep.

"Sweetheart? Why're you still up?" Sean asks.

Did I wake him?

I hold my breath and consider acting like I am asleep, not sure if I want to engage with him. Before this all happened, I would have happily jumped at the occasion to chat with my brother. I always loved his attention. But not now. Not anymore.

I am afraid that Sean will dig too deep into my bruised soul. That he will peel off the carefully crafted protective layers that I have been trying to build up over the past few hours. I fear that with just one wrong word, I will come undone and dissolve into tears once again.

I am done crying.

That's what I have been telling myself over and over after I broke down in Jordan's arms when he forced me to come out of my hiding space. And once he made me leave Sam's room and say hi to Alex, that resolve got pretty much cemented in my head.

Never in my life have I seen anyone look more miserable than my oldest brother.

Alex's face was ashen, his eyes red rimmed and his hair disheveled. Not to mention his big hands that were literally trembling. But the worst was that he didn't even try to hide it.

The moment I laid eyes on him, I wanted to throw myself into his arms and offer him the biggest hug ever. But then I realized that that would undoubtedly make me cry again. I could tell from just looking at him that it would have been the last straw for him, too. He clearly needed someone to comfort him, not the other way around. And if I broke down in front of him, turning into a sobbing mess, Alex would have definitely felt compelled to step up and act strong. I did not want to do that to him.

So, I bit my tongue until it almost started bleeding and calmly walked up to him. We exchanged a short but strong hug throughout which I had to clench my jaw to hold back the tears. I quickly stepped back after that, afraid that he would latch on too tightly and that would have been the end of a very short-lived resolve. We barely spoke, either, because I could tell that he struggled to find something neutral to say, something not too emotional.

After only a few minutes that were spent in rather awkward silence – Luke only once unsuccessfully tried to break it – Alex excused himself and left. Jordan, looking very unimpressed with the whole scene, followed him immediately.

An hour after they walked out, Sean got back from the hospital. He looked exhausted, too, but somehow he managed to hold onto his positive attitude. He even offered me a genuine smile that I half-heartedly returned. He and Luke rustled up a quick dinner and we sat down together, making small talk.

I would have loved to ask about the hospital, about Hannah. But I didn't dare to move onto that delicate topic when my brothers were clearly relieved to spend a few normal minutes together, without any drama. So, I kept quiet.

I also appreciated it that they didn't force me to eat anything after I denied the plate of food Luke offered me. They left me in peace and I went to bed. My two oldest brothers hadn't gotten back by then and I have no clue if they have returned by now. I just hope they're okay.

Because of all of this, I prefer to keep quiet and hope that Sean forgets that I am even there. I don't feel like having a heart to heart with him. I am not ready.

"Lily? You don't have to pretend. I know you're awake," he calls me out.

"Can't sleep," I mutter, not finding the strength to deceive him any longer. "Why are you not sleeping?"

"Same."

"Did I wake you up?" I want to know.

I don't want to add keeping my brother from getting his well-deserved sleep to the pile of guilt that I am already carrying around with me.

"No, of course not. You didn't."

He sounds convincing enough, but I am not sure if I can really trust him or if he's just saying that because he can probably tell what I am thinking. It is annoying to have a brother with such mind-reading capabilities. I always suspect that he knows everything about me and the tiniest move or word gives away what it looks like on the inside of me.

"Hmm," I reply lamely.

"Is there anything I can do? Get you a glass of water? Maybe tell you a story?" Sean offers kindly.

"No. Thanks though."

"Sing you a song?"

"Sean," I whine, having to work hard to suppress a chuckle.

Just as much as I told myself that I would not cry again in front of my brothers, I also don't think it is appropriate to laugh at a time like this. I don't understand why my brother is making such outrageous suggestions. Sean knows fully well that he can't carry a tune to save his life. It would be a disaster if he sang me a lullaby – and also quite comical.

So not the right time.

"A cuddle then?"

Instantly, my heart jumps at the suggestion. When he announced that he would share a room with me, I really wanted to ask if I could sleep in his bed, but then I decided against it. Our room features two bunk beds and they are only single-sized beds. I found it unreasonable to ask this of him, seeing as it would be really uncomfortable. But now, I am seriously considering taking him up his offer. Maybe it would help me settle down and get some sleep.

When Jordan and I talked earlier, I stayed tightly wrapped up in his arms all throughout it and I found that it gave me a lot of comfort. It certainly worked miracles on calming down my frazzled mind. I didn't understand why I had been hiding from him in the first place. Maybe being around my favorite people is the key to getting through this awful situation.

"Baby girl, you still awake?" Sean checks on me when I don't answer.

His whispering is rather exaggerated, as well as unnecessary. There is nobody else in here and the walls between the rooms are made from solid wood.

"I think I'd like that cuddle...," I admit a bit sheepishly.

Since when is it so hard to ask for this?

When I was younger, I was teasingly called Cuddle Bug by my oldest brothers because I would always somehow end up sitting on their laps or otherwise hanging onto them whenever they were near. Lately, however, I have not been seeking physical contact with them as often as I used to. It might have to do with the fact that I am older now.

But is anyone ever too old for a good cuddle?

I really hope not, because that would probably be the only really sad thing about growing up.

"What're you waiting for? Hop down," Sean invites me to his sleeping quarters.

Before he can change his mind, I quickly climb down the ladder. I have chosen to sleep on the top bunk and he is in the bottom bunk opposite mine. My clumsy self, of course, misses the last rung and I almost fall down. The sound of me not-too-gracefully dropping onto the ground might as well have woken up the whole cabin.

"What are you doing?" Sean asks.

He cannot see me because it is almost pitch black in here.

"I'm fine."

I rub my foot a couple of times to get rid of the sting from landing kind of painfully, grateful that I didn't lose my balance when it happened. Knowing my luck, if that had happened, I would have probably also hit my head on the bedframe and blacked out.

Needing a hug now more than ever, I dive head first into the bottom bunk that is only a couple of feet away from where I stand. The rooms at the cabin are not very spacious. Despite the darkness – or maybe because of it – I land right on top of my unsuspecting brother. Sean lets out loud yelp, causing me to laugh, despite myself.

"Jesus, you baby Rambo, what was that? I am not a bouncy castle!" he huffs, shoving me off him.

I end up in the small space between him and he wall and quickly get comfortable. If this were Jordan or Alex, there wouldn't even be a small space left. Actually, I don't think they'd fit into the bunk beds at all.

Neither does Sam.

Neither did Sam.

I squeeze my eyes shut at this unwelcome reminder and count to ten in my head. It surprisingly works and the iron fist unclenches from my heart a mere few seconds after it tightened its claws.

"Sorry, Sean," I apologize.

"You're forgiven."

As if to emphasize this, he snakes his left arm underneath my body and pulls me tightly against him. Instantly, I almost melt into his side, soaking up the comfort of his expert bear hug. Nuzzling my face into his shirt, I take a few deep breaths.

He smells clean and fresh, of shower gel and shaving cream. It is very soothing.

"Sean?"

"Hmm?"

"Will they be okay? Alex and Jo-Jo, I mean," I ask.

I don't even know why I am starting this potentially dangerous conversation. But I just feel like talking to him. It must be the shrink-vibes he gives off. The ones he denies that he has. But I know it is not just a figment of my imagination. It happens way too often when I am around Sean for it to be a coincidence.

Or maybe it is because I trust him unconditionally, no matter how much I try to convince myself that my oldest brothers have broken my trust. They didn't really. Deep down I know that they have a reason for what they did, or still do, and for what they are keeping from us.

"They're in their rooms, baby girl," he tells me. "They got home right when I came out of the shower."

"But why didn't I hear them come back?" I muse.

"You were deep asleep when I came in here."

This is news to me. I was convinced until now that I hadn't slept even for a minute ever since I got into bed. I also don't remember having a nightmare, which is what I was most afraid of. I guess that is a good sign.

Then I realize that he didn't really answer my question.

"Are they okay?" I repeat it.

"Jordan's fine. And Alex will get there. Don't worry about him."

"But I do! He looked so... so broken earlier!" I almost yell, feeling helpless and frustrated.

"Shhh, it's okay, baby girl. He'll come around, you'll see. You don't have to worry about him. It just takes a bit of time. It's all still very fresh, as you know. We'll just have to make sure that we look after him and give him a lot of love and support. We can do that, no?"

"We can," I confirm immediately.

The way Sean speaks to me makes me feel like an equal member of this family. He seems to think that I can do my part in helping our big brother and that gives me a weird sensation of pride.

"That's the spirit."

He tightens his embrace on me and I hug him back.

"Does Josh know?" I then ask, although I have already asked Luke that and he seems to think that he does.

I expect Sean to tense at my question, seeing as Josh is one of our most sensitive family members, but he remains still.

"Of course he does, sweetheart. What makes you think he doesn't?" Sean questions me.

"Where is he? Why didn't he come here with the others?"

"He's, umm..."

"Sean," I push, realizing that he's stalling, which is very unlike him.

"He's been travelling for business, that's why. He has to catch a plane first and he'll be back home when we get there," he eventually reveals.

Travelling by plane?

This is news to me. I know that he had to go back to work all week and that is why I came here with Sam and Hannah instead of staying with him, like I normally do when the twins go to summer camp. And then he and Tom were supposed to spend a weekend away together. For fun, not work. This is very odd since nobody mentioned that his trip was work related. Also, as far as I know, Josh's job doesn't normally involve business trips.

"Where did he even go?"

"What's with the interrogation, Lily bug, huh?" Sean clearly tries to deflect, which immediately makes me suspicious.

Something about this feels wrong. But I also know that if I try too hard to get answers, Sean will shut me down, so I decide to let it go. For now.

"I'm just curious. You know me, little sister and all," I chuckle a bit awkwardly, playing it down that his reply doesn't sit right with me. "Is he okay though? Have you spoken to him?"

"No, I haven't, yet. Jordan did. But like with Alex, you don't have to worry about him. He's..."

Ever since this awful accident happened, I have been most worried about Josh's reaction to it. Now, after seeing Alex so distraught and beside himself, this has changed a bit. But Josh still worries me the most because I know from what he told me that his biggest fear was to lose another sibling. And now this happened. He must be completely overwhelmed.

"You have to make sure that he speaks to Gwen!" I blurt out before I can stop myself.

"What... how...?"

Sean pushes me off him and I guess he is trying to look at me but since it is so dark in here, it doesn't work. Letting out a sigh, he guides me to lie back down and wraps my up in his arms again.

"How do you know about Gwen?" he asks, sounding a lot more composed.

"Josh told me."

That is not a complete lie, since he did, but I won't admit that it was me who confronted him about it first. Sean doesn't need to know that.

"And he once took me to meet her when he went to see her. I am sure you know that. Actually, I always thought you made him take me along," I add when I remember that detail, feeling confused about why Sean acts so surprised.

"Right." He doesn't appear to be convinced.

"Anyway, Josh's and adult and I trust that he will seek help if he needs it. Be it from Gwen, or from me, or anyone else. He also has Tom, which is probably the most valuable thing in a situation like this," he continues.

"Yeah, but Tom's not there with him, if he's travelling for business, now is he? He's all alone! Maybe we should, I don't know, call him?"

I feel myself getting worked up by the idea of one of my most emotional brothers being all by himself in some random place, in a lonely hotel room while his heart gets ripped apart by this newest loss.

"He's not alone, sweetheart. He's with Tom."

"So he went on a business trip with Tom? I mean, joining him, because Tom had to go?"

That would make so much more sense. Tom travels for work all the time, and whenever he goes some place that they both enjoy, Josh tries to take time off work to go with him.

"Not exactly..."

Again, Sean sounds very uncertain, cementing my suspicion that something's going on here that he is not willing to talk about.

This better have nothing to do with...

My throat closes up as this horrendous thought enters my brain and I quickly shut it down. Ever since I talked to Jordan and he admitted that this accident might somehow be tied in with something that has to do with our father, I cannot help but wonder if all the secretive stuff that I have observed lately is connected to the guy.

Also, Sean isn't normally someone to act so cagey. He'd tell me up front that he is not willing – or not allowed – to talk about something, rather than making excuses. Or obviously hiding stuff.

For a brief moment, I consider telling him what Jordan revealed to me, but then I remember that he said that he was not supposed to say as much as he did. I cannot throw him under the bus like this. But that doesn't mean I cannot push for more answers.

"Come on, Sean, I know you're deliberately trying to keep something from me. What is going on? Why are you being so secretive? Are they secretly getting married in Vegas, or something? Is that why you are acting like this?"

"No, Lily, no! Don't be crazy. No one is eloping. Gosh, you've got quite an over-imaginative mind."

"Well, what is it then? Why can't you tell me where he went? What is the big secret, if it is a business trip? That's what it is, isn't it?"

I normally would feel a bit guilty for being so pushy, but my spidey senses are on high alert now and I won't rest until I have a satisfying answer. Something feels wrong but I cannot put my finger on it.

"You know what? You're right. There's no good reason to keep this from you. – I guess you could consider it some kind of a... ehmm... business trip. They went to the East Coast."

What?

Can this be a coincidence?

Why is everyone in my family suddenly going there?

First Will. Because we made him.

Then Sean and Alex. Because they went to visit Sienna's grave on their birthday.

And now Josh and Tom. Apparently, for some kind of mysterious business trip reason.

My pulse picks up as I try to find a connection between all this. But other than knowing that my family used to live there, I draw a blank. Maybe it really is a coincidence.

But why did Sean act so weird when I asked about their destination?

"They went to Maine, to be exact."

When these words leave my brother's lips, my heart skips a beat.

This cannot be a coincidence.

A/N - Lily might be onto something here. But can she juggle playing detective and dealing with the loss of one of her closest family member? Is Alex in good enough shape to guide her through the process at the police station? And how much more will her oldest brothers reveal about their family's past?

Thanks for your continued support, silent or more "visible" (aka by commenting, voting, adding my book to your reading lists, following me, etc.). Please stay safe - and remember to be kind to those around you. xxx