Chapter 20:

THE NEXT THING I really remember was waking up in my bed. I was really startled. Did yesterday really happen? I could feel that my face was all salty and I was still in my clothes from yesterday. What could I do now? I know my parents said it was alright... But my life seemed like it was so over. It took a long time, but I finally built up the courage to get out of bed and go to the bathroom.

I finished up in there and found Mom waiting outside. "Do you want to talk?" She asked.

How could she possibly want to talk after all of that? "Not really. Can you just let me sit in my room today without you guys bothering me?" I asked.

"I don't think that's a great idea Bran... I mean Tiffany. I... What do you want us to call you?" Mom asked with a really worried expression on her face.

"Tiffany." I whispered very quietly.

"Tiffany, I don't want you to be in your room alone today. If you want, I'll help you move your dollhouse into the living room so you can play with it in there."

"You're not just doing this so you guys can get rid of it are you?" I asked.

"No, we made you a promise. I'm just worried about you and don't want to see you alone today, okay?"

"Okay." I said. She and Dad helped me out with the dollhouse and I played with my Barbies for most of the rest of the day. At seven that night Mom came in and said, "Amy wants to talk to you on the phone."

I debated back and forth on what to do, but decided she was my best friend – I had to talk to her. Mom handed me the phone. "Hi," I said.

"Hi." Amy said back. "Tiff I'm so sorry about what happened... I didn't know anything about it... I'm so thoroughly mad at Mom right now... Please don't hate me... Please don't hate my mom either though..."

She went on for a little bit longer before I said, "Amy I don't hate you and I don't hate your mother."

"Are you sure?" She asked nervously.

"Amy, without you and your mother I never would have been able to be Tiffany at all... I'm more scared than anything."

"You don't have anything to be scared about. I guarantee you I'll stick by you all the way no matter what happens, and so will my parents."

"I know Amy." We talked for a while longer before things became a little more relaxed and she told me about the pictures her mom had taken. Apparently they had turned out really good and she couldn't wait for us to do scrapbooks on Tuesday.

She told me her mom was starting her vacation for our trip that day and wanted to help us out. They also had everything we would need for it too, so not to worry about bringing anything more than some photos.

I told her about the appointment tomorrow at that point. "Amy what happens if she decides that I have to be a boy?"

"Look, you can be whoever you want to be. You'll be fine. If all else fails when you come over here you can wear my clothes okay?"

"Okay."

"What happens if she says that I should be Tiffany though?"

"What would be bad about that? Isn't that what you want more than anything?" She asked.

"The other kids..." I started.

"I won't let the other kids mess with you, and neither will any of our friends. Tiff, that means that you have the cool kids all behind you. No one will dare do anything serious against you at that point. And, if they do we'll take care of them." She answered.

We talked for a long time that night. I was honestly surprised Mom didn't yell at me to get off of the phone, but I think she and Dad had decided that would be a bad idea. I ended up hanging up three hours after we started talking. I was feeling at least a little bit better. I was still absolutely mortified that my parents had found out though. In retrospect it wasn't that hard for them to figure it out... but... still... And, I was scared senseless about what the visit to the 'shrink' tomorrow was going to be like. I went to bed shortly after I hung up with Amy so that I could try and make Monday come sooner.

The next morning Mom woke me up and told me to shower and get dressed. My parents and I drove into the city to one of the hospitals where my appointment was going to be. My dad actually drove in a separate car though – he was going to have to go to work afterwards. We sat in the waiting room for a long while before someone said, 'please follow me.' The assistant asked me if I would wait inside a room off to the side while my parents talked to the doctor first. I agreed.

Inside I found they had put together a playroom for all ages. I had a pretty good idea that they were probably observing me, but didn't care. I saw they had some Barbies I didn't have and went over to play with them while they talked. After thirty minutes I heard the door open and saw a lady who must be the doctor. "Hi, I'm Doctor Reynolds. Would you come into my office please?"

I followed her into her office where my parents gave me a hug and then went to wait outside. "Today I just want to spend some time talking to you alright?" She asked me.

I nodded.

"Well first of all, what name would you like me to call you by?" She asked.

"Tiffany please." I responded. There was a lot more strength to my voice that time than there ever had been.

I expected her to say something like, 'that's an unusual name for a boy,' but she just kept on talking to me and asking questions. Somehow in about an hour's time I figured that she knew more about me than anyone else.

"Tiffany, can you wait outside for a few minutes while I talk to your parents?" She asked.

I waited in a chair right outside the door for what seemed like an eternity before she brought me back in.

"Tiffany... After talking with you and your parents, we want to offer you the chance to dress as Tiffany for a few weeks. Would you like that?" She asked.

"Yes, more than anything!" I responded. I figured that I had seen the end of my time as Tiffany on Saturday.

"We do have one condition." My mom said.

"What?" I asked

"Well we're concerned about how people on the trip might react to you showing up as Tiffany... so we want you to come dressed as Brandon for the trip."

"Do I have to?" I asked.

Dr. Reynolds spoke up, "I do think it would be a good idea Tiffany. The reactions might get really bad if you're not careful with this."

"Okay." I replied. "But otherwise I can be Tiffany?" They all nodded. "Starting today?" I asked.

"Starting today," My dad said.

I was so excited I couldn't control myself. I was hugging Mom and Dad, and Dr. Reynolds before I knew what I was doing.

"Now Tiffany, I do want to discuss some things with you now that your parents are here. Have you ever heard of the term 'gender identity disorder'?"

"On the internet, it's the term for someone whose body doesn't match what they are?" I replied.

"That's basically it. I think at the moment that term is a pretty close descriptor of you."

"For the moment?"

"Well, in a word, yes. You are still only eleven years old – and I want to be sure this is a long term thing before we start doing anything permanent. It's still going to be another year or two before you hit puberty, so we have time for us to do this right and make sure that nothing gets done that shouldn't be."

"So that's why you said for a few weeks first?" I asked.

"Yes. If you are really supposed to be Tiffany and not Brandon we'll have a better idea if that should be the case or not starting then. Until then – with the exception of the trip – I do want you to spend every moment as a girl. That means restrooms and everything," she said.

"Okay."

Dr. Reynolds told me some other things as we sat there and talked to my parents some more before we left the hospital. I was smiling the biggest smile ever. As we walked out to our cars I held my parent's hands, both of them squeezed them as we walked out the door. There was something in that little statement that was stronger than anything they could have ever said.

"So umm... can we go shopping?" I asked.

"Sure sweetie." Mom replied as we got to the car. "Joe, you said to use the MasterCard?"

"Yes, we'll pay it off once her check clears. They said it should clear by tomorrow." He paused before adding, "Try not to buy out the stores, okay?"

"Okay. We'll see you at home for dinner." Mom told him and then I got into the car with her.

"Mom, are we really going to do this?" I asked.

"Do you want to?" She asked.

"YES!"

"Well then let's go shopping for some stuff for you to wear."

We left the hospital and she soon pulled into a Wal-Mart. "We're not getting all of my clothes here are we?" I asked Mom. I didn't want to be the most uncool girl ever...

"No Tiffany, just relax. We're just going to pick up a few things and get something for you to wear to the rest of the stores, okay?"

"Oh, okay."

We walked to the girls section of the store and we grabbed a couple packages of panties, socks, camisoles, and a couple of training bras to start with. Thankfully we knew what my size was from my borrowing of Amy's clothes. She then led me towards the shorts and picked out a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to wear with it.

I tried on the shorts really quick in the fitting room – they fit! We made a quick detour to the shoe aisle to pick up some sandals, then we went to the checkout line and checked out. Mom pulled a pair of panties, the shirt, shorts, and sandals and sent me into the bathroom to go change into them.

I was kind of nervous at first... but everyone had been mistaking me for a girl for several months now... who would question me going into the bathroom? I got in the unfamiliar bathroom and found a stall where I could change. I must have changed clothes in a record amount of time because I think Mom was very surprised to see me already. We put my boys' clothes in the shopping bag and walked out to the car.

"Where to next?" I asked her.

"Well why don't we go to Penney's and see what they have?"

"Okay," I replied. I was glad that we had started out with getting me some basic clothes so that I could be a little more comfortable when we were shopping. Actually, I also was just happy to be in the clothing that felt right to me. I don't think I had smiled that much ever.

We drove through the city traffic for a while before pulling up to the mall. I was so excited to be going to the girls section instead of the boys section. As we got closer I have to be honest though – I got really nervous... I knew that I looked like a girl as people had been telling me that for months, but it's still a nerve racking experience your first time shopping.

We got to that section and started browsing through all of the different clothes there. "What do you think of this shirt?" Mom said holding up a t-shirt in front of me.

"I like it... I like this one too," I said holding up another one. We picked out five shirts and moved onto some jeans and more shorts. When we had like six pairs of each, Mom led me to the fitting room so I could try them on.

I put them on and modeled each of them for Mom before we settled on two pairs of jeans and two pairs of shorts. "Okay Tiffany, let's go pick out a couple skirts and a dress or two now." Mom said as she led me on the hunt for some more clothes.

We picked out several long skirts and dresses before heading to the dressing rooms were I tried everything on and modeled them for Mom. After talking back and forth (she liked one that I didn't like and vice versa) we took two of each of those as well. Mom and I decided that we had picked over the clothes there and checked out.

We were walking by the shoes on our way out to run this set of clothes to the car when I saw a pair of tennis shoes that I loved. After we dropped those clothes off we came back in and I began trying on the shoes I had seen. I had just found a pair that fit when Mom brought back several other pairs of shoes. When we left the shoe department I had another pair of sandals, a pair of tennis shoes, and a pair of flat dress shoes.

"What now Mommy?" I asked as we put the shoes in the trunk of the car.

"Why don't we just go wander the mall and see what else there is?" Mom asked.

"Okay!" I said and we walked back into Penney's so we could go into the main mall. The next three hours were some of the most memorable hours of my life. We went into store after store after store. I picked out a couple more swimsuits, some more pajamas, and a bit of everything else over that time period. Mom showed considerable restraint in not buying everything in the mall for me. At the same time I was sure we had easily spent a thousand-dollars by the end of our shopping spree in the mall.

We walked by 'Claire's' on our way back to Penneys and I made Mom go in. I picked out a ton of hair accessories, bought a fannie pack, and tried to convince her of something else.

"Mom can't I please get my ears pierced?" I asked in a low tone so no one else would hear me. "They even say they'll even do it for free!" I begged.

"Sweetie, I want to wait until we get back from this trip, alright?" She told me.

"But why?"

"It'll be kind of hard for you to keep care of them while we're on this trip... plus I kind of would like to see you wait until we've gone through another meeting with Dr. Reynolds."

I looked really downtrodden and pouted.

"Look, if everything goes towards that after the next meeting I'll take you directly to a place to get it done, alright?" She temporized.

"Alright, but you promise right?" I asked.

"Yes, I promise." She replied.

We moved on with some more stuff in hand from Claire's arriving at the car at 4:30. Mom said, "look we have one more stop I want to make." I looked downtrodden – I was really enjoying the shopping. "I think my daughter needs some stuffed animals and other things for her room."

I perked up again and said, "Okay." We drove down the street to a Toys'R'Us and went to the girls toy section. Most of the stuff was too young for me, but we picked up several stuffed teddy bears, kittens, and a baby doll. I also got some more Barbie stuff and some craft type stuff.

We got out of there with a bill that was a little scary, and crammed everything into our now full mini-van.

"Tiffany, why don't we go home and you can change into one of these other outfits and we'll meet Dad at Applebees at six?"

"Okay!" I said with excitement as we drove towards home. I didn't have much time to change – which was most unfortunate because I was trying to make up my mind of what to wear. Do I wear a skirt? Wear shorts and a t-shirt? Wear a dress?

I think Mom realized that I was going to be very slow in making this decision so she did what any intelligent mom does... She picked for me saying, "we didn't have much time" I ended up just wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Mom did help me put my hair into pigtails though – so at least it was a little more girly. Really the shorts and such were very girly... I just wasn't content with it.

We hopped in the car and left for the restaurant. Dad had gotten there already and had a table. "Tiffany, you look nice." He told me.

"Thanks Daddy." I replied.

"So how was your shopping trip?"

I giggled... "Well, I made Mom leave some of the clothes in the mall for other people..."

"Hey! You were the one that wanted to buy everything..." Mom said. We bantered back and forth for a while before we all broke up into laughter.

The waiter came and took our order and we began talking some more. "Are you sure I can't go like this on the trip?" I asked them.

"Look sweetheart it was Dr. Reynolds suggestion that we pace this slowly. We don't want everyone to get into an uproar on the trip." Mom replied.

"But Mom, I slept over with five of the girls on Friday, and they were all okay with me like this!"

"There are two other girls, five boys, and more difficult – their parents." Dad said gently. "Remember what Dr. Reynolds was saying about other people dealing with this... We don't want to spring this on everyone before they're ready," he paused, "or before you're ready for it either."

"Maybe one day? Not the whole trip, but maybe one day I could be Tiffany?" I asked.

"Look sweetie I think it's a good idea that we do as she suggested." Mom said.

"Will you at least think about it?" I asked.

"Tell you what, I will talk to Ms. Fitzgerald and call Dr. Reynolds tomorrow okay?" Mom said. "But I still don't think it's a good idea."

"Aren't they going to have to get used to it soon anyway? I'll be going back to school in August, that's only three months away!"

I think I saw my parents shudder there. "Look sweetie we'll talk about it... Take that for what you can okay?" Dad said, effectively ending the matter.

I said, "Okay," and we moved on. At the end of dinner I told my parents, "Thank You."

"For what?" Dad asked.

"Well let's see, first of all for not freaking out and beating me to death, not disowning me, not locking me up in a psychiatric ward... And secondly for letting me do all of this!" I said pointing to my clothes.

"Sweetie we could never do any of those things to you." Dad said.

"I guess I know that now... but I didn't until today. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you guys before... I was just too scared of what you would do... So thank you again." I did my best not to tear up and realized I needed to go to the restroom. "Umm... I need to go to the restroom," I said.

My mom said, "I'll come with you."

"I guess I'll take care of the check," My dad said as we headed to the restroom.

As I approached the doors I reminded myself which bathroom to go into. I took a deep breath just before I went in – this was only the third time today that I had gone into this sanctuary. I went in and out without any real fanfare, but it really was still a big thing for me.

I waited for Mom before coming out and we went back to our table. Dad had already paid the bill so we piled back into our cars and headed home. Once home Dad helped us finish unloading the car and I modeled several outfits for them. The phone rang about that time.

"Tiffany it's for you!" Mom said.

"Okay." I said.

"Hello?"

"Tiffany?"

"Amy?"

"How did it go?!?" Amy asked.

"Well... I'm Tiffany!" I exclaimed. I think that statement said it all.

"The doctor decided you really are?" She asked.

"She said she thinks so, at least 'at this moment.' We talked for a while about how she doesn't want to consider doing anything 'permanent' until after I dress properly for three weeks. They still won't do anything drastic at that point, but we'll start talking about what will happen next."

"That's great Tiffany! So this means you get to be Tiffany on the trip right?"

"Well... I want to be... but my parents and Dr. Reynolds were kind of against that. They say they're worried about how the other kids will react to me." I said forlornly. "But I did talk with my parents at dinner tonight, they said they'll talk with Ms. Fitzgerald and Dr. Reynolds tomorrow to see if they can't work something out... I really hope they can."

"So after your appointment what did you do?" She asked.

"Shopping!!!! Lot's of it!" I exclaimed. I proceeded to tell her about how much fun I'd had shopping with Mom and about pretty much every single outfit that we had bought for me. "I have never had so much fun hanging out with Mom before!" I paused for a second before adding, "Actually I think she had a lot of fun too."

"Wow, I wish I could have been there!" She said afterwards. Her mom apparently began pestering her on her side and she said, "Tiffany I have to go. You're still coming over to scrapbook tomorrow, right?"

"Yes, what time?" I heard her talk to her mom for a few moments on the other side before she said, "Noon? And Mom'll make mac and cheese for lunch?"

"Okay, I'll see you then Amy."

"Congratulations Tiff, goodnight!" She told me and I hung up my phone. The rest of the evening I helped Mom move most of Brandon's clothes out of my closet, unboxed all of my toys (which Mom told me were for decoration if nothing else), and I helped her finish removing tags and washing everything.

That night I didn'tneed to be told to go to bed... I just put on a pair of my new pajamas and laydown in my bed – sleeping as I hadn't in a very long time.

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