The price i must pay

Every day, I walk down the halls,

Walking next to you,

Smiling, laughing, giving you high fives,

Like there’s nothing wrong,

I eat, just enough to seem normal,

I go to parties with you,

When you want to go karaoke,

I sing along with you,

So you don’t notice anything,

And you don’t.

You're my closest friend, how can you not see?

Yet you don’t notice,

You don’t see me suffering,

You don’t see that I’m caught in a storm,

Because the storm is in my head,

Raging and churning so loud,

It drowns it all out,

It keeps in the bad,

So tight, it has me wrapped,

I just can’t break free,

Where’s the exit? Is there one?

I’m caught in a whirlwind, a spiral,

Where I’m falling, with no way out,

Because I see no way out of this madness,

I want to shout it all to the world,

I want to relieve myself of these burdens, these shackles,

I’m drowning so fast, I can’t free myself,

From your sins, that have now become my sins,

These shackles that you’ve placed around me

No matter how much I want to, I can’t tell anyone,

I can’t shout out to the world.

I can’t scream and shout,

I can’t tell the world,

That I’m not scared of the monsters out there,

Because I am more terrified of the monsters in my house,

The monsters I am living with,

Sleeping in the next room over,

But I can't tell a soul.

Yet you go on with life like nothing's wrong,

Like what you did is as normal as turning on the kettle,

It’s as if it doesn’t affect you at all,

Does it not affect you?

Not even a little?

How can you sleep at night? Because I barely sleep,

I barely eat, I’m only surviving,

Going through the motions,

How can you go on with life?

Do you not feel what I feel?

Do you not feel it?

You said you did it because you loved me,

But it’s killing me from the inside out,

You say you love me, that it’s you and me against the world,

Yet your actions, what you did in MY name,

The unspeakable acts you committed,

The actions of a monster, a monster who should be taken,

Be locked up, the key thrown away,

But I love you too much to give you up.

I can’t shout it to the world, I can’t tell anyone,

Because I need to protect you, and I will protect you,

I’ll protect you till I am old, I’ll protect you till I am no more,

I’ll take your secrets to the grave, I’ll suffer on my own,

I’ll cut and scream in silence, but I will not let it pass my lips,

I’ll burn, but I will not shout,

I will scream and shout silently.

I’ll bear the raging storm inside me,

I’ll continue walking through the halls, laughing with my friends,

I’ll pretend everything’s OK, go on with life,

Like my world as I know it, hasn’t just been blown to smithereens,

I’ll stay silent. That’s my price to pay,

A price that my own mother has put on me,

My unwanted burden that I must now carry.